Fumble Guy Order 01

"And you're sure this will work?"

Looking over my shoulder at the young lady standing behind me, I can't help but quail internally at the sight of her biting her lip, "It should work, although this is the first time that we've had to work under such… circumstances, Master."

I look about and catch sight of the burning city out of one of the windows, with a sigh I reply, "Fair."

Looking down at the shield on the cracked and dirty floor, sitting in the middle of a rather intricate circle drawn on said floor, I try and pull at the energy I'd felt when I'd been Leyshifted into this Singularity. There's still something missing… I breathe deeply, and the image forms in my mind…

The thumb is braced against the spark wheel, and then the wheel is ripped, spark meets gas… the flame ignites.

It feels like there's thirteen canals of fire burning through me, but it's enough. Blue light rippled out from the shield and across the circle, bluebell sprites lifting from the surface and swirling through the air. The light builds to a blinding pitch, and I have to avert my eyes, even though the three Command Seals on my hand burn, I can't protest what's happening.

There's a cracking sound, and the light dies away, I lower my arm and look at my summoned Servant.

"AAAAAAAAAAA"

A noise more akin to singing than language greets me, and standing the circle is not any being I expected. Her hair is an odd cerulean shade and her eyes are a pupiless crimson though there's an odd sparkle shape in them, on her abdomen are glowing cyan sigils, great horns jut from the sides of her head curving and coruscating, and she was wearing very little beyond gloves, what are either leggings or boots, a cape of sorts, and a pair of bikini bottoms.

Tiamat. Beast II. The primordial mother goddess of ancient Babylon, characterised through the raging seas, rising tides, and fierce storms, associated with dragons and birthing both monsters and gods. To what I know, it would take the combined might of many Heroic Spirits not just to defeat her, but to make her vulnerable.

I screamed.

"Master?" Mash called out to me, even as I could hear Doctor Roman going on about something.

I continue to scream for a few more seconds before taking a breath, after that, I look to Mash, then back to Tiamat, who has yet to move. I swallow, "So, I guess this is a thing now."

"LAAAAAAA"

"Oh, don't you sass me," I shoot at the goddess, unsure if she's actually sassing me or not. Better safe than sorry though.

It's then that Mash speaks up, "Amazing Senpai, I can't understand her at all."

"I can't either, Mash. I'm just covering my bases," I explain, even as Roman has a hushed conversation with someone.

Tiamat steps from the circle to loom over me, her eyes boring into me an unfamiliar emotion sparkling in the crimson orbs. Roman snaps me out of staring back when he speaks, "-you don't understand, none of our instruments are able to get a proper reading on her. She's an anomalous Servant that we're unable to assign a class to, Hell, we don't even know the identity of this Servant."

I turn my eyes back to Tiamat, this strange, perfect figure, enigmatic and alien, and I'm the only one who knows the truth. That to her, we are frightening aliens, that must eventually be wiped out. But…

But, if Fou, the fourth Beast, Primate Murder, can be reached through kindness, maybe Tiamat can too.

I reach out and take her clasped hands in mine, the red loops of my Command Seals shining in my gaze.

"Tiamat, her name is Tiamat."

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"So, Master of Shielder and whoever this lady is, what do you truly aim to do here?" The druidic Caster version of Cu Chulainn asks as we climb Mount Enzo, with him, Mash and Tiamat leading the pack.

I shrug, "Take the grail, resolve the singularity, go back to Chaldea? Beyond that, I've no plans."

"I hate the fact that we're being forced to rely on someone as half baked as you…" Olga mutters from beside me, and I'm tempted to kick her in the shins for her lip.

Alas, I am a kind existence and settle for replying, "And yet, my half baked ways are salvaging this entire shitshow. I'd like at least a modicum of respect for that accomplishment."

"I'll give you respect if you actually do anything to earn it! All you've done is rely on Kyrielight, Caster, and that Servant that you're claiming is Tiamat," The white haired lass snipes at me as she shoots me a dirty look.

I scowl at her, "It's called delegating. It's a skill employed by many successful leaders, maybe you'd know that if you had even the slightest bit of leadership ability."

Olga was agog at that, but quickly recovers her composure and angrily snaps, "I know how to delegate! You're the one who's abusing his privileges by foisting all the work off on them."

"I'd be abusing my privileges if I weren't helping the group's productivity in any way, which is completely wrong. I'm providing valuable moral support, which you are sabotaging with your depressing attitude," I sniff, turning my nose up at Olga in irritation. My eyes lock onto the courtyard resting atop the stairs where the Ryudo Temple once was, and I continue, "Now, we've made it to the top so we should probably stop talking and look alive."

"Oh, so you noticed him already? The bastard's been trying to snipe us for most of the day," Cu muses as the Blackened EMIYA's form materializes from the treeline on the other side of the clearing.

I nod, "It was really, truly, quite rude of him. Alas, we don't really have time for his shenanigans. Tiamat, git'em."

The goddess strode across the clearing, each step carrying her further as she grew in size, such that by the time she was halfway across the clearing she was already two stories tall. Her clasped hands come down thunderously, and Archer jumps into the air, bow in hand but not an arrow nocked. There's a brief stream of light that forms into an arrow but EMIYA is unable to launch it, as Tiamat's mouth rips open to reveal rows of pointed teeth and she catches the Servant of the bow in her maw. There's a crunching sound and eventually Tiamat returns to my side, shrinking back to the height she'd been at before entering the fray.

"Jesus Christ!" I mutter, somewhere between terrified and impressed at how quickly Archer had been dispatched, though I was horrified at how he went.

There were a few sounds of agreement, and at least one person gags, we collectively take a few moments to sort ourselves out. We all share a look, and Cu speaks first, "That was quite the way to go."

"Agreed, now let's not talk about it." Olga grouses, though she does look a little green around the gills. I nod, but before I can urge the group forward, there's the sound of clapping hands and a voice calls out.

"My, my, what a motley you all are," Stepping out of the treeline, is a man who is dapperly dressed but with ridiculously shaggy hair atop his dome. He's staring down at us, and though his expression appears pleasant, it's what he says that puts me on edge, "I hadn't expected you, or anyone really, to get this far. And it's gotten to the point that the deviations are starting to spiral beyond my predictions…"

I can hear Mash call out to the man, and Roman exclaim his surprise, but it's Olga's reaction that worries me. Her shoulders hitch and I can see tears gather in the corners of her eyes, and as she makes to run to him, I put a hand on her shoulder and grip it tightly enough that she can't shake me. She shoots me a glare and all I can do is explain, "Olga, I want you to think the situation through, as it's really not painting Lev in the best light."

"What are you talking about? Lev's been a trusted colleague and member of Chaldea for years!" Her face twists in anger as she slaps my hand off her shoulder, but despite her own reaction, Lev hasn't moved an inch.

I send a baleful look his way as I explain, "Chaldea is sabotaged, leading to the deaths or injuring of the vast majority of its Master candidates as well as a good number of the other employees. And he just pops up here, unscathed, and goes on about how he hadn't expected anyone to make it this far and how things are deviating from his predictions."

Mash and Olga were both staring at me, horror creeping into their expressions, from the corner of my eye I spot Cu steeling himself and I can hear Roman swearing under his breath. And Lev's just standing there, smiling pleasantly, as if we've bumped into each other while on a stroll.

"Hell, the most damning piece of evidence, is the fact that Lev just sauntered out of the woods all 'la-dee-da' despite the fact that Archer would have likely killed any he considered an enemy. So why the hell is Lev not in goddamn pieces? You want to answer that Lev?" I ask, my hands flying up to cue the man to speak.

His face twists into a sneer as he rockets into his own rant, "You know, it's almost refreshing that you saw through me, despite the fact that all of my efforts today seem to have gone sideways. First, Romani doesn't listen to me and neglects to show up at the Control Room, and now, Olga's still around despite the fact that I planted the bomb right beneath her feet."

Olga flinches back at that, shaking her head in disbelief even as Lev continues, "Don't you remember Olga? You never had any aptitude for Leyshifting, so how could you be here, unless you achieved that aptitude upon the death of your physical body?"

"And if she returns to Chaldea in that state, then her conscious will completely fade away or something like that, Am I right?" I cut him off before he can push any further.

He smiles, his expression in a cruel grimace as he replies, "Indeed, I thought that I'd spare her suffering that cruelty, if only out of pity."

"I say spare her your pity, because you have a bigger issue. Tiamat, take care of Lev, if you would," I order the goddess to attack, but before she even makes it close enough to him to attack, he disappears. Casting my gaze about, the rest of the group doing the same, I don't see him anywhere so I ask, "Doctor Roman, any clue on where he went?"

"No, and none of the instruments are picking up anything either, it's like he's dropped out of the singularity completely…" The good doctor muses, sounding more than a bit troubled.

I swallow, and take a moment to gather my bearings before speaking, "Then we'll press on and resolve the singularity, and deal with Lev if he reappears. Best not to waste what time we have."

"How could he… How could he do this?" Olga murmurs, frustration painting her features, tears falling slowly as she clenches her fists and glares at the place where Lev stood.

I'm tempted to try and comfort her, but instead say, "Listen Director, I know that this is hard for you to deal with. But we have to keep going, there'll be time for us to figure out what to do about Lev when we get back to Chaldea."

"But I'll just die if I go back, what's the point in taking me along?" Lacking all of her usual heat behind her words, she just looks forlorn.

I sigh, "Because… because I'll make sure you get back to Chaldea, and that you won't fade away."

"Why are you lying to me? To make me feel better? To use me as we move towards stabilizing the singularity?" She snaps, recovering some of the fire she exhibited before.

Shaking my head, I answer, "No, just, I'm going to try and get you back to Chaldea in one piece, and in such a state that you won't fade away."

"Why?"

I sigh again, "Because, you don't deserve what's happened to you today."

Leaving Olga for the moment, I walk over to the three Servants, and took a moment to take them in before speaking. Mash looked a bit shaken earlier, though she seems to have gathered herself. Cu was looking rather nonchalant and Tiamat looked entirely unaffected. I nod to each of them, but take a moment to speak to Mash, "Are you alright?"

"Yes, just… conflicted over what happened with Professor Lev, but don't worry. I'll be able to fight at my maximum capabilities should it be necessary, Sempai." She gives me an answering nod, and though I feel that she might be putting on a front.

I sigh, we've got a ways yet to go.

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Watching as the Servants clash with the Altered Artoria, I can't help but note that Tiamat's actively detrimental to the fight beyond her size being useful when penning the Saber in. It was kind of obvious really, that the knight's speed would allow her to dance around the giantess' grip.

The upside of this whole encounter was that Mash had unlocked the first stage of her Noble Phantasm during the encounter, though it had nowhere near the power it could eventually reach. Though, Lord Chaldeas only really helped when Saber decided to fire off Excalibur Morgan.

Cu's the only really helpful one here, with his rune magic letting him press her when she's caught between either Mash or Tiamat.

I look over at Olga, and ask, "When do you think she'll notice?"

"I still can't believe you did this…" The white haired girl grimaces from beside me.

Laughing, I wave the physical manifestation of the Grail around a bit, "You're just mad that you didn't think to steal the Grail from her like this." Lifting it over my head, I make sure that it can be clearly seen from the fray and shout, "Hey! Saber, look at what I got!"

The Tyrant of Knight's head snaps towards me, her eyes widening as she sees the item in my hand. She suddenly jumps back as one of Tiamat's hands slams down in front of her, only to catch a shield bash to the back from Mash, she tries to escape from between them only for fire to fill the space. A great wicker fist rises up from beneath her, hoisting her into the air as the rest of the Wicker Man takes form.

Saber goes to jump off the fist to escape the activation of Cu's Noble Phantasm, but ends up the second victim of Tiamat's eating habits.

I look at the goddess and wonder aloud, "Is this going to be a thing?"

"God, I hope not," Olga mutters, a disgusted grimace on her face.

As the Servants approach, I nod to each of them, "Thanks for taking care of her. Doctor, we're almost done here."

"Oh? You've taken care of everything, right? You got the Grail and took care of the person maintaining the singularity, so what's left?" The good doctor asks.

I lift up the grail, "Are you all forgetting what these are capable of?"

As they all seem to realize, I turn to Olga and raise the grail high, her face torn between hope and fear as I intone, "I wish upon the Holy Grail, that Olga Marie Animusphere be returned the body that she lost this day, hale, hearty, and healthy."

The grail gives off a brief glow, before dissipating, and Olga's body takes on a golden sheen for a few moments. After it passes, she looks at her hands, "Did it work?"

"I guess…" I answer, looking to the various Servants and getting shrugs from two of them. I shrug in turn, "Guess we'll find out, beam us up, Doc."

AN: And welcome to the Fumble Guy Order, where it's going to mostly be comedy and character interactions until things really pop off. Don't worry, all will become clear in time.