A/N : Not mine. All Kouga Yun's. I don't own Loveless. I don't make any money out of it.
Chapter 1
12th, May 2005
Hello Soubi,
I know it has been a while and I certainly hope you will read this letter in its entirety.
Finally, Kio has managed to find you. There is no way I will tell you how because I am not going to make it easier for you in case you decide to disappear again. Considering the time that has passed and the total absence of any sign of life from you, I must assume you either choose to stay clear of us or Seimei ordered you too. I certainly hope I can blame my brother.
Kio is very, very much pissed off with you by the way. Natsuo and Youji too.
Enclosed with this letter, you will find weeks and years of written testament of my life while you've been absent. I am not sure what you will do with it but I wanted you to have it so, yeah, let's say I bequeath you my memories. Read them or throw them away. Do as you wish — if you know how to. I — however— will send you regular letters that I hope Seimei will not intercept. Is he that interested in your life anyway? Beside ruining it, I mean? Ah, but I'm being rude and nasty.
Well. I don't expect to hear from you.
Ritsuka.
The letter was returned to its envelope alongside the parcel's other content — a few other notes and a diary — and was safely hidden away between the neatly folded clothes in his floor storage. He would read the rest another day. He was too drained to read anymore.
December 2002 - The day you left was written on the outside of the note. The script was different from Ritsuka's youthful one. He must have written this bit of information when he had packed his belongings in the parcel. The same writing could be found on the few other letters. The note seemed more like hastily scribbled words on a piece of paper torn from school material than an actual memo.
Why? Why would everyone leave me behind? Am I that easy to throw away? Why won't anyone love me and stay with me? What is wrong in me? So unlovable... Is that why my own self would hide away? Loveless. I hate it... All is empty. There's nothing left here that is worth anything.
He remembered once, when he had whispered almost the same words to Kio, in a rare show of weakness. (A/N : chapter 43) He still remembered vividly the feelings. The anger, the resentment, the despondency, the loneliness, the despair. It was still fresh in his mind, a gaping wound that wouldn't heal, like the scars on his throat. The note had been fisted in his hand before he had time to think about it. The piece of paper was still lying crumpled on the floor by the time he went to bed. It hadn't yet found its place back with the rest of Ritsuka's memorabilia. It would — once he had his guilt and anger under control again.
Same day
It's been raining and I'm drenched. I had a fight with Youji when I took my things back from Soubi's place. I hurt my knees and I've bruised myself. Natsuo only looks at me with his sad, pitying look. I hate it. I hate weak people. I won't be seen as such. Shitty day. Fuck it all. I'm angry.
Sunday
Natsuo doesn't understand. He can't. He doesn't know what memories mean. But still, it hurts. I can't even pretend it didn't happen or exist. How could I ever forget about Seimei and Soubi? Why would I do it? Memories, that is all I have left. I won't forget.
Wednesday
Yuiko. Sweet, soft-hearted Yuiko. She might be a ditz but really, she's so sensitive to my feelings it's uncanny. How can she manage to read me so well? She cheered me up and I feel better already. I won't give up. That's a promise. Thank you Yuiko. Thank you.