Frasier: Not-So-Happy Anniversary

by zooman

My story is set sometime at the very end of the first season Frasier. Frasier buys an old mansion in the countryside as an anniversary gift for Niles and Maris, thinking he's found the perfect gift for them. However, there's a few things about the house Frasier has not been told!

Frasier-Not-So-Happy Anniversary (this story is set at the very end of the first season of Frasier) Prologue-Martin and Frasier both sat at the large table in the small office of the real estate agent, across from each other, happily filling out one form after another. Both men snickered playfully as they signed their names, on all the papers before them. The young, blonde female real estate agent, in the gray dress sat beside Frasier, carefully looking over all the paperwork. "This is the best idea you've ever had dad," beamed the psychiatrist as he looked over the colourful photos of the large, brown mansion located in a very VERY remote area of the countryside. "This is just the thing to get Niles and Maris back on track. It's just the kind of gift both of them would ever want." The real estate agent took some papers away from Frasier , set them down in front of her and gently paged through them, checking that Frasier had filled out everything correctly. Martin smiled as he finished doing his share of the paperwork and stacked up all his papers in order, and then handed them to the young blonde woman. "Well it's all going really, really well," said Martin joyfully, "both of us pitched in. I had savings of 20,000..." "I donated 50,000,"interrupted Frasier, as he knocked his fist on the table, grinning. "And as a result we managed to buy Niles and Maris's best anniversary gift yet!" Martin raised his voice happily, his face grinning enthusiastically. The young blonde woman, smiled and nodded while going over the real estate papers. "Yes, yes this is just great," she muttered, pleased. "The old Byjess Mansion...I guess is now yours." Frasier and Martin both bolted to their feet, grinning, and slapped each other on the backs, and shook hands. "Niles and Maris will be so happy," said Frasier, as he slowly sat back down, "a house in a remote locale in the country is exactly the kind of anniversary gift a guy like Niles could want. "Yes, well Niles has got enough on his plate right now, he needs another country home to get away from it all. Something to take his mind off of things," noted Martin as he stepped to the real estate agent and cautiously glanced over her shoulder at the real estate papers she was studying. "What with his busy career and then Elvira to come home too, this is just what he needs." Frasier squinted, looked at the young blonde woman and uneasily tapped his finger on the table. "I have just one question though," he asked the woman, "I would have thought a big, gorgeous piece of brownstone like the Byjess Mansion, would be worth like...well at least two million on the market. Why just seventy grand?' Martin looked curiously at the woman. The young blonde woman just smiled as she dropped the papers down on the table. "Well not many people want to buy really really old houses like this anymore,"answered the woman. "Everybody wants a new apartment in the city." Frasier shook his head as he stood up, but Martin put his hand on his son's shoulder. "Frasier, nevermind. What's important is, we got the place at a steal right,"grinned Martin as he shot a glance at Frasier. Frasier sat back down and smiled. "Well...yes," said Frasier, "but why such a low price for..." "Frasier forget it, "beamed Martin with pride,"we found the perfect anniversay gift for Niles and Maris, that's all that matters. A place they can getaway too on holidays and weekends deep in the remote countryside. We got the most gorgeous place in all of Seattle at a steal, that's all that matters." Frasier broke into a huge smile and laughed a little. "Of course, who cares about the price," replied Frasier, as he stood up again. He nervously adjusted the black tie on his blue suit. Martin also wore a blue suit but no tie.

The young blonde real estate agent walked both Frasier and Martin to the door of her office, shoved a pair of keys into Frasier's hands, shook hands with both of them and showed them out. As soon as both men were out the door, she slowly closed the door shut. She leaned back against the door and looked up with relief at the ceiling. She breathed a sigh of relief. "They bought it," she said to herself, as she held the business papers close to her breasts, "no pun intended." She chuckled at her little joke. "A couple of live ones."

IF THE PLURAL OF MOUSE IS MICE, IS THE PLURAL OF SPOUSE...SPICE?

ACT ONE-Frasier sat in his small office at the radio station, eagerly answering the question from the tenth caller that day. Roz Doyle sat behind the glass partition watching him intently. "Well, it could be that this is just your paranoia talking Mich," Frasier said into the mike in front of him. He took off the red sports coat he had on and draped it over his chair. "I mean do you have any real proof that your husband has been sleeping with your mom, his mother in law, whenever he tells you he's working late?" Roz rolled her eyes to the ceiling. "Well Dr. Crane it's not just paranoia," the woman's voice crackled out of the mike, "the time he said he was working late and wouldn't be home that night, just happened to be on Good Friday. And when I called my mom to ask her if Roger was there, she said no but I could hear his voice in the background, asking her if she had any romantic movies!Dr. Crane..." "Ahhhhhh...listen Mich," Frasier interrupted impatiently, "why don't you call my secretary and we'll work out a time where I can help you in more depth, than we have time for right now." And with that the woman hung up. Frasier stood up and Roz Doyle sauntered slowly into his office. Fraiser turned to her with a smile. "Hey Roz did you hear the good news? We got Niles the perfect anniversary gift the other day." Frasier paced happily about the office. Roz just shook her head in frustration. "Oh wow!" she exclaimed. "The whole entire highlight of my day was wondering what anniversary gift you got for Niles and Maris." She folded her arms over her white dress. "So what is it? You got Niles his own hotwheels collection?" Frasier grinned at Roz's joke, moved slowly to the seat behind the mike and leaned his arms on the edge of the seat. "No. We went and pitched in, my dad and I, and we bought Niles and Maris the old Byjess Mansion." His grin deepened. Roz took a step towards Frasier. She lowered her browridges. "You're kidding!" she exclaimed again. "THE BYJESS MANSION!?" She looked seriously at Frasier. "Oh now," she chuckled, "you're having me on. That place must be in the three million area..." "My dad and I pitched in and got it for seventy grand." Frasier grinned as he looked down at his desk. "Seventy grand! Can you believe it!" He glanced at Roz. Roz thought hard for a few minutes. "Hmmmmmmmmmm...the Byjess Mansion...wasn't that the place that was featured on Haun..." Frasier cut her off. "Roz, we got Byjess at a steal." Frasier beamed with pride. He slung the red sportscoat over his shoulder. "I got my brother and his wife the best wedding anniversary gift any man could want. The most gorgeous, loveliest, beautiful manison in all of America." Frasier shrugged his shoulders as he moved steadily towards the door. "When is his anniversary?" asked Roz as she accompanied Frasier out of the office. "Next week Saturday," answered Frasier. "Now, if you don't mind I'm off to go home to set up the wedding anniversary surprise party at the new home." Frasier turned his head at Roz. "Roz, I left the address of the place on your desk," he told her quickly, "and I'll expect to see you there no later than four." "I'll be there," smiled Roz nodding, "I especially can't wait to see the look on Morticia's face when she sees what you bought her and Niles." Frasier chuckled. "Well they both need it. Their marriage has been in turmoil lately, and this out-of-the way mansion is exactly the tonic they need to get their vows back on track again." Frasier danced very slightly. "Frasier, marriage saviour to the rescue." He grinned broadly. As he and Roz parted in the hallways, Frasier turned back to Roz and pointed to her, still grinning like the cheshire cat. "Don't forget Roz...four...next Saturday...the address to Byjess Mansion." "I'll be there," repeated Roz. "This is called a man saving his brother's failing marriage," chided Frasier loudly as he walked down the hall away from Roz, who bolted towards the coffee machine.

At that moment, Bulldog walked down the hall right past Roz, wearing a long black cape, a green business suit and a red cowboy hat with blue polka dots. Roz turned and looked at him in surprise. "Hey there Roz!" he shouted with glee. At that moment, he pulled out two fake, brown plastic guns and aimed them at Roz. "THINK FAST ROZ!" he shouted as he ran past her. "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Bulldog screamed all the way down the hallway, running and carrying the plastic guns. Roz just shook her head, and turned back towards the coffee machine. As she poured herself a large cup of black coffee, she was joined by Father Mike who walked up to her from around the corner. "Hey, Father Mike," greeted Roz as she turned and smiled at the young clergyman. Father Mile smiled back as he too helped himself to a cup of coffee. "How's it going Roz?" he asked politely as he poured himself a small cup of brown coffee. He then gently stirred it with a spoon. Roz sighed. "Did you hear the latest b.s.?"Roz asked him sarcastically. Father Mike just looked at her, not understanding. "What is it?" he asked as he slowly sipped his steaming hot coffee. "Frasier bought his brother and his sister-in-law a present for their upcoming wedding anniversary," said Roz in between sipping her own coffee. "Well from what I heard, it certainly wouldn't be their marriage anniversary," laughed Father Mike, as he poured some cream from a large carton on the table, beside the machine, into his foam cup. "What's so earth shattering about that?" He gulped down the brown liquid in two gulps. From way way down the hall the two of them could hear Bulldog's loud voice,"OH MY GOD! THE INDIANS HAVE SURROUNDED THE BUILDING! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Both Roz and Father Mike just slowly shook their heads. "Remember that time we had Clayton Moore, as a guest on the show?" Roz asked the young priest as both of them chuckled. "Well Niles and Maris both came to me for advice a couple of times, but what could I say,"Father Mile said simply, "their marriage was just too far gone at that point. It would be unethical for me to say divorce but in their case..."Father Mike poured himself another cup of coffee and began sipping it lightly. "Frasier and his dad bought the old Byjess Mansion as an anniversary gift for Niles and Maris," grunted Roz. At that moment, Father Mike spit out all the hot coffee in his mouth in shock. "The...By...jess...Mansion?!" he exclaimed in surprise. Roz looked at him in shock. "What do you know about it?" she inquired, drinking her coffee, "I recall it was featured on an episode of that show Haun..." "I saw the episode," interjected Father Mike as he refilled his coffee cup, "and I know something about the house." Roz swallowed the last of her coffee. "WE CAN'T LET THE MEXICANS TAKE THE BUILDING!" Bulldog's voice thundered down the hall way way way in the distance, "CROCKET AND BOWIE ARE ALREADY DOWN!" Roz and Father Mike just ignored it. "I once visited the house," remembered the priest as he poured another helping of cream into his cup. "A house warming party?" asked Roz with a big smile. The priest shook his head. "An exorcism," said Father Mike. Roz just stared at him, her mouth opening in horror.

THE HOUSE OF MARISULA

It was a warm spring day that Saturday morning in the apartment. Niles and Frasier and Martin and Daphne were all busy picking up the various suitcases in the living room of Frasier's apartment, with much difficulty, as the group headed for the front door. Niles wore his best black suit and tie, while Frasier wore his best brown business suit and red tie. Martin had on his favourite short sleeved, red and white striped shirt and blue jeans and boots, while Daphne had on a light purple dress. "Niles have you got everything?" Frasier asked his brother as he slid the heavy brown suitcase across the floor, while panting out of breath. "I got everything," said Niles as he carried a suitcase with both hands, straining his whole body, as he tried to push his feet towards the front door. "And as yet I have no clue, no idea what this marvellous anniversary present is as yet huh?" said Niles to Frasier, as he bumped into the wall on the left side of the door. "Your dad and brother want it as a very, very special surprise,"bragged Daphne as she too struggled to pick up a heavy brown suitcase with both arms. She heaved and heaved as she tried to pick up the massive suitcase.

Just then Niles tripped on the edge of the carpet, and fell backwards holding the incredibly heavy suitcase. He landed on his back and the suitcase opened and all of the towels packed inside went flying all over the living. Martin, Frasier, and Daphne all slowly turned to look Niles and sighed in exasperation. "This living room looks like that scene from the Great Gatsby," remarked Frasier, as he dropped his own heavy suitcase to the floor, and bent down to pick up some of the towels. Niles slowly got back on his feet and helped his brother.

The phone rang. Martin dropped the suitcase he was carrying and limped over to the house phone. He picked up the phone . "Hello?" he said, "ok...Niles!" Niles dropped the towels he was repacking and walked briskly over to the yellow telephone. Martin handed the phone to his son. Niles put the phone to his ear. "Hello?" he said into the phone, "Maris? Yes, dear...yes dear...yes dear...the what?" Niles pushed the phone closer to his ear, "the latest copy of Freudian Missionary Positions?" Frasier, Martin and Daphne all just rolled their eyes to the ceiling. "Yes dear," Niles answered, "what's that?" Frasier glared with frustration at his brother. "You also want THE Jungian's Guide to the Best Orgasm?" Niles glanced back at his brother as he spoke into the receiver, "well I'm sure I packed it some..." Frasier walked angerly over to Niles and slammed down the phone. He stood glaring at Niles."CAN-WE-FI-NISH-PACK- PLEASEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Frasier spoke loudly to Niles pushing his lips outwards as far as possible. Martin just slowly shook his head.

Daphne suddenly straightened up her shoulders and looked anxiously from left to right. "OH MY GOD!" she shouted nervously, "I'm GETTING A VISION!" Martin took a step towards her uneasily. "What is it?" he asked, looking concerned. He raised his eyebrows. "I see...I see...I see a white, luminous shape floating all about a hallway..." Her voice trailed off. Frasier and Niles and Martin all looked at each other over and again.

Frasier bent down and started picking up and repacking all the towels into Niles's suitcase. "We have to be there in an hour," griped the psychiatrist as he kept frantically putting the brightly coloured towels away. "This must be something very special, "imagined Niles as he smiled at his brother. "That was Maris calling from her car phone, " he added. "She's parked around out back. " "I didn't know she had a car phone," said Martin as he bent down to help Frasier with the towels. "Well, she used to have the large tv screen by the steering wheel instead, but she replaced it with the car phone, after she got so engrossed in an episode of Falcon Crest, that she wrapped the car, going at 100 miles per hour, around five phone booths and caused over 100,000 dollars worth of damage," explained Niles. Frasier and Martin and Daphne all just shook their heads slowly. "Well this is one anniversary gift that is going to put all troubles you and Maris have had in your marriage far into the prehistoric past," assured Frasier as he and Martin packed up the last of the towels. "This is one wedding anniversary I wanted to give you both...one very, VERY special anniversary gift I wanted to give both of you that will have both of you saying I DO all over again." Frasier smiled as he closed up Nile's suitcase. "Well let's go," said Martin as he limped towards the front door.

The house phone ran yet again. Niles answered it after two rings. Frasier stood gazing at his brother with his mouth dropped open. "What's that?" Niles asked into the receiver. "You also want the copy of Freud's Bible of Outdoor Sexual Fantasies?" Frasier, whipped open Nile's suitcase, and tossed all the towels all over the living room in frustration! Martin and Daphne put their hands to their faces.

WHICH CAME FIRST-THE CHICKEN? OR THE EGG? OR THE MARIS?

ACT TWO-Frasier and Martin and Daphne and Niles all sat quietly in the rented small blue Honda, as the car drove up smoothly in front of the large, brown, gothic looking mansion way way way out in a remote part of the Seattle countryside. There were quite a few other cars already parked out front as well. Frasier was driving. Martin sat beside Frasier, while Niles and Daphne sat in the back. The mansion stood awesome against the light blue skyline. The house was situated on a large grassy area with only a few trees. "Wow! Now this is really out in the boondocks," gasped Daphne in her thick accent, as she stared at the massive house looming in front of the windshield. "I didn't see any other houses for like miles and miles and MILES!" Frasier and Martin both smiled as they looked up at the house. Niles's face remained emotionless. "Well Niles what do you think?" Frasier asked his brother as he turned to smile at him. "This is it!" Frasier braked the car. "This is what?" asked Niles unnervingly. Frasier looked up in frustration and sighed. "YOUR ANNIVERSARY GIFT YOU IDIOT!" shouted Frasier as he opened the car door. Niles just stared mystified at the building located in the middle of nowhere. "OH...MY...GOD..." he whistled in surprise. "Byjess Manor," included Martin as he opened his car door, "Frasier and I both chipped in for your wedding anniversary gift." Martin grinned.

The foursome all moved rapidly away from the car and began walking around and around Byjess Mansion, noting every detail of the massive abode. Niles met Frasier at the front door of the house and hugged him. "Oh, this is the best anniversary gift I could ever have." There were tears in Nile's eyes. "Your the best brother I could ever have." Frasier hugged Niles back. "A thousand times thank you so much!" Martin joined the pair and hugged them as well. Then Daphne appeared and also added a hug.

A red jaguar pulled up behind the blue Honda. A hand wearing thirty gold rings on every finger waved at the group from out the window. The horn beeped. Niles shot a glance at the vehicle. "Oh...here comes Maris..." Nile's voice trailed off as he took a few steps in the direction of the jaguar. Then he quickly darted back to Frasier and hugged his brother even more hardily than before. More tears streamed in his eyes. "OH THANK YOU MY BROTHER," he cried in happiness, "YOU HAVE GIVEN MARIS AND I A WEDDING ANNIVERSARY PRESENT WE WILL NEVER FORGET!' Frasier shed a few tears as he hugged him back. "Happy Anniversary Niles," Frasier whispered in his ear. "Wow! What a place!" Daphne shouted in awe as she looked upwards at the roof. In the background they heard Maris opening her car door and stepping out.

Frasier, Niles, Martin and Daphne all dashed to the front door of Byjess. Frasier got out the keys and unlocked the heavy german door. They heard the footstep[s of Maris running towards them. As Frasier slowly creaked open the door, Niles began shaking nervously. "Wait a minute!" Niles snapped his fingers as he looked from left to right. His face becoming increasingly aggitated, "Byjess Manor! That rings a bell, no pun intended, but wasn't that the place that was featured in that one episode of Hau..."

As the door fully opened, the foursome were greeted by the sight of Roz (in a dazzling blue blouse and shirt, and a small crowd of several well known psychiatrists that were good friends of the Crane brothers, all standing around in the giant sized living room of the house. "HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!" the whole crowd shouted in joy, grinning, as Martin, Frasier, Niles, and Daphne quickly stepped inside the house. There was a large, vanilla cake with two figurines of Niles and Maris on the top of the cake-the Niles figurine was in a tuxedo-and the words-HAPPY ANNIVERSAY NILES AND MARIS written in blue icing all across the front of the cake. The cake was on a large yellow trolley cart, along with many glasses of red punch. There were large orange ribbons hung from the walls, and a giant light blue banner was hanging down from the ceiling with the words:HAPPY ANNIVERSARY NILES AND MARIS-printed in large gold letters. The living room was furnished in fancy looking chairs and sofas. Frasier, Martin, Daphne and everybody else all clapped and cheered and grinned while Niles just wandered aimlessly about the living room, taking it all in in awe. He then ran back to Frasier and hugged his brother yet again. "And I had furniture bought for this place as well," Frasier told Niles as they hugged. "Thank you again, "Niles whispered in Frasier's ear.

The crowd just stood around in the living room for hours making happy chitchat. "So you don't really believe Jungan's theory that memories can be carried on from person to person, just like genetic characteristics?" Niles asked Dr. Kelly Give, a sixty something year old black man in a tan suit. Both men were holding glasses of punch, and drinking it down eagerly. "Well, Jung had some pretty wild theories let's not forget," the older doctor admitted in between gulps of punch, "but no I don't hold with that one's just a lot of crap. Alot of bull!" Niles just looked down at the ground. "Do you?" Dr. Give asked Niles. Niles pursed his lips. "I wrote a bestselling text on the subject." He gulped his punch. "I went on a book tour. And I once taught a class on all Jung's theories at a university. Excuse me." Niles sauntered away from the older psychiatrist.

Frasier stood way in the back of the living room, quietly and slowly drinking his glass of punch, when a young looking, gorgeous black woman approached him. She was wearing a brown housecoat, and had short, curly black hair. "Dr. Frasier Crane?" she said as she walked up to the famous radio psychiatrist. Frasier sipped his punch and just looked her up and down. "That's right, and you are..." "I'm Dr. Ruby Agoha," she introduced herself, grinning, "I'm the sister of Dr. Ben Agoha the..." "Oh yes of course," grinned Frasier as he shook her hand, "your brother is one of my oldest friends. Glad he brought you." Ruby grinned back. "Yesssssssssss sir!" whispered Frasier to himself as he continued to look the curvy, busty young woman up and down.

Roz Doyle was busy staring down at a fifty something year old psychiatrist, in a blue turtle neck sweater seated on the pink sofa by the window in the living room. Roz sat down besides him. Both were drinking large glasses of red punch. The man was very good looking with short red hair. Roz blushed a bit. "I'd really like to get to know you better," grinned Roz as she drank her punch in between staring at hunk besides her. "First of all you're not..." "Ah, yes I'am," corrected the man, as he looked slowly at Roz. Roz stood up again in disgust. The man smiled and shrugged. "Sorry." Roz walked away.

Daphne stood alongside Martin eating small plates of cake they held carefully in their hands. "What happened to Maris?" Martin asked with a mouthful of cake. "Niles said that she's asleep upstairs," replied Daphne, "apparently all those tranquillizers she took this morning really wore her out." She pushed a forkful of cake into her mouth.

Frasier and Ruby walked slowly about the living room, admidst the happy,chatting crowd. Frasier looked down on her and grinned. He smirked a bit. "So Ruby, how is that a girl like you is still single?' Ruby grinned wider and glanced down at the floor. She took a sip of punch from the glass she carried. "Well how is it a smart handsome, successful man like you is still single?" Frasier chuckled a little and drank more of his punch.

Niles walked over to his dad and Daphne, who were both eagerly stuffing their mouths with cake. "Dad, Daphne did Maris come down yet?" Both of them shook their heads. "Nope haven't seen her, "replied Martin. Daphne shook her head. "Me neither. Try some of the cake Dr. Crane, awfully good." Niles sighed. The loud din of the chitchat of the conversing crowd all over the living room, seemed to grow louder every minute. "Maris didn't stay long in the living room when the party started eitheir," sighed Niles again. His face took on a glum look. "What's wrong now between you two?" asked Martin as he finished the last of his piece of cake. "Well...Maris and I had a huge, big fallout the other night." Niles looked down sadly at the red carpet. "What about?" asked Daphne. "Oh it was a ton of stuff," regretted Niles, "she was pissed off at me about the time I misplaced her antique Barbie doll collection." Martin and Daphne both turned to smile at each other. "She got angry when she remembered the time, we went skiing in Colorado, and everybody at the skiing lodge laughed when she kept saying she saw Bigfoot." Martin had his tongue in his cheek. "We had an argument about the time I took her out to dinner at that one really expensive restaurant, and the food was so, so SO expensive that at the last minute I chickened out, and left the restaurant leaving her to pay for the whole thing herself." Daphne rolled her eyes to the ceiling. "She had to pay like 500 dollars for that meal," muttered Niles unhappily. The party-chichat just got louder all about them. "I don't know dad," scowled Niles as he collapsed in a chair right in front of Martin and Daphne, "I appreciate this anniversary gift, but I think our marriage needs alot more..."

Frasier's voice shouted loudly over all the private chats of the crowd: "THANK YOU AND GOODBYE!" Frasier was running across the massive, giant sized living room, gulping down his red punch. He looked annoyed. Ruby Agoha was racing after him, excitedly. "Hey, hey look to be my man, I'm just saying, all you have to do is find the Lord! That's all! You and I would take part in certain ceremonies in my apartment all day long, 24/7! And you would learn every part of the New Testament by heart! And, then come night fall we spend it in my apartment singing the hymns of the Lord! IF YOU WANT TO BE MY MAN!? YOU LEFT ENOUGH SIGNS!"" Ruby chased Frasier all over the living room, past everybody in the crowd. "WELL WHAT ABOUT THE PART WHEN YOU'LL HAVE TO STAND ON THE ROOF OF THE BUILDING, IN A WHITE DRESS, A WIG AND A FAKE BEARD AND SING THE LORD'S PRAYER! WHAT PROBLEM DO YOU HAVE WITH THAT?!" Ruby shouted loudly as she hunted down Frasier all over the living room. Frasier dived past the cake.

Niles sat forlorn in the chair looking down at the carpet. Roz walked to his side and looked down on him anxiously. "Niles, there's something I have to warn you about this house," Roz's voice took on a tone of urgency, "this house was featured in an episode of Hau..."

"OK EVERYBODY MAY I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION!" Frasier stood in the centre of the living room and clapped his hands. "EVERYBODY PLEASE!" Everybody in the living room all stopped what they were doing or saying and all of them gathered around Frasier.

Ruby ran up to Frasier, panting, out of breath. She raised her left hand a bit to Frasier. "How about you and I only walk up and down in the street, in the morning, carrying the huge sign reading: FOLLOW JESUS FOREVER..." Ruby panted in between words, "how about you and I only do that early in the morning instead of at midnight, like I'd first suggested?"

Frasier grabbed Ruby, dragged her to a large broom closet, opened the closet door, tossed Ruby into the tiny enclosure and slammed the door shut. Then he locked the door. Frasier then walked back into the centre of the living room.

"LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!" Frasier's voice shouted as loud as ever, "THIS MEANT TO BE A GLORIOUS OCCASION! THE ULTIMATE GIFT FOR THE WEDDING ANNIVERSARY OF MY BROTHER NILES AND HIS LOVELY WIFE MARIS!" Everybody in the living room clapped and cheered. Ruby could be heard pounding on the inside of the closet door. "As you know my dad and I both chipped in to buy this lovely place, and now it's to be the marvellous present for my brother and his beautiful wife!" Everybody clapped.

Niles got up out of his chair and headed out of the living room. "Where are you going?' asked Martin. "I'm going to have a talk with Maris," answered Niles as he left the living room.

"LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!" continued Frasier in an enthusiastic tone of voice, "Niles and Maris are having a slight domestic spat at the moment, but then again what married couple hasn't endured the occasional argument, huh?"

The closet broke open. Ruby came charging out of the closet and straight, headlong into Frasier. Both she and Frasier fell face first down into the cake!

A BAD CASE OF MARIS

ACT THREE-Frasier and Niles both walked wearily into the kitchen together, late that night both of them getting glasses of water from the kitchen faucet. Both of them wore gray bathrobes. "Boy what a night," moaned Frasier as he thirstily drank down his water. "She wanted me to decorate every square inch of my bedroom with a poster of Padre Pia," said Frasier, he ran his hand through his hair, while drinking his water. Niles leaned against the counter and drank down his water. "Maris is currently giving me the silent treatment," said Niles coldly, as he and Frasier walked back out of the kitchen while turning off the lights. "Our first night in our new home, and she's pretending that I'm a wooden indian." Frasier lowered his lip. "Yes, well remind me to tell that one to Bulldog," he joked. "I was so glad when everybody finally drove home." The two men walked through the darkened hallway, and up the staircase. Frasier switched on the light switch at the landing. "Well, you two will work it out. I know you can. You two got this far in your comic book marriage, so Im sure you can make it even farther. Niles nodded. "That's true," he said bitterly.

Then there was the sound of loud music coming from outside. Loud radio music! The Stevie Wonder song-Too High! Frasier and Niles both looked at each other startled! Both of them turned from the staircase and ran towards the front door of the mansion. They were joined by Martin and Daphne also in gray bathrobes. Both of them rubbed the sleep out of their eyes while yawning. "WHAT THE HECK?" shouted Martin. "WHAT"S GOING ON?!" shouted Daphne in fear, "that sounds like ghetto blaster coming from outside!" The four of them ran through the dark, living room and Frasier quickly tore open the front door. The four ran outside to the sound of the loud music-Stevie Wonder signing Too High on a radio somewhere's.

Right outside the house was a large radio on the ground in front of the small blue Honda. The four could see by a beautiful moonlight. Frasier switched off the radio. "What's going!? shouted Daphne. "This radio was put here and turned on deliberately I think," deduced Frasier as he picked up the large, black rectangular device. "Hmmmmm. You think it was put outside to lure us all out of the house?" asked Niles, twitching his cheek. Frasier sighed in frustration. "Did you ever consider a career as a private dick Niles?" Frasier asked sarcastically. "Now wait a minute," intervened Martin while waving his hands, "now what's going on here?"

Way in the dark, in the background, the four of them could barely discern a female form in a white bathrobe running across the grass for the front door. The bath robed form jumped into the house and slammed the door shut. Frasier, Martin, Niles and Daphne all ran to the front door, and tried unsuccessfully to open the locked entrance. "Great!" shouted Martin in tiredness,"it seems that the bride herself has locked us out." Niles folded his arms over his chest and looked with interest at Martin. "Now what do you suppose this means?" Frasier pounded his fists on the door. "Do you think this means that Maris is still really angry at me and tried a stunt to lock me out of the house?" Frasier slowly turned around and glared at his brother in frustration. "I don't know Niles, the possibilities are endless!" he stammered, sarcastically. "Well what now?" asked Daphne. "What else, we break the windows," decided Niles. Frasier held up his hands. "HOLD THE PHONE!" shouted Frasier, while glaring down at the ground. "Now dad and I paid a heap of money for this anniversary gift of yours! We BOTH WENT THROUGH TIME AND EFFORT AND MONEY HOURS AND DAYS OF PLANNING TO GIVE YOU AND MARIS THE PERFECT WEDDING GIFT! AND NO NOBODY IS DESTROYING ANY PART OF THIS EXPENSIVE ANNIVERSARY PRESENT, WHICH YOU AND MARIS WILL ENJOY TO THE FULLEST EXTENT!"

Just then three large brown wolves appeared in plain sight of everyone. The wolves were huge and growling loudly. "Wolves!" shouted Martin in fear, as he pointed to the ferocious animals wandering about near the the front of the house. "I've read about them being common in these parts!" "We came out here to celebrate a wedding anniversary, and now we're trapped in the middle of Hound of the Baskervilles!" screamed Daphne, while shaking violently. Frasier ran around to the left side of Byjess Mansion, dropping the radio. "LETS JUST BREAK A WINDOW!" he shouted, scared. Everybody else followed him, running.

The windows were too high up in the massive building, for anyone to reach. Frasier, Niles, Martin and Daphne each took turn trying to jump up to reach the window. All four were by now shaking, quivering in fright. The wolves could be heard in the background growling like crazy. Frasier bent down on the ground. "Everybody, look for the largest rock you can find!" he instructed the others hurriedly.

As everybody was crawling about on the ground in utter fear and panic, their bathrobes soaked with cold sweat. Martin found a large rock and went racing/limping with his cane in his other hand, towards the small blue honda. He attempted to smash the rock against the left window of the car. He tried again and again.

Niles was trying to climb up the drainpipe of the monster sized mansion. As he climbed higher and higher up the side of the building, he suddenly felt the pipe bending and creaking and at that moment, the whole top half of the pipe bent downwards, and Niles was left hanging from it high above the ground. He could hear the wolves growling and slavering far behind the house. Frasier and Daphne both looked up at Niles and jumped up and down excitedly. Niles then lost his grip and fell off the drainpipe. He landed safely into Frasier's arms. Frasier landed on his back into a thick mud pool, from the momentum of Niles landing on him, and as he fel,l he accidentally pushed Daphne down into the mud pool with him. All three of them got up completely saturated in mud.

The wolves all peered out from behind the house, at the far right of Frasier, Niles and Daphne. The three of them got up and ran around to the other side of the house. The wolves ran past the mud pool growling louder than ever. The animals ran around the house in the same direction that Frasier, Niles and Daphne had just ran. Then, Frasier, Niles and Daphne ran back around the house, coming in the same direction that the wolves had just ran. The three frightened people ran all the way around the side of the Byjess Mansion dripping/soaked in mud. The wolves then ran back around the same side of the house yet again growling and slavering away more ferocious than ever! Frasier, Niles and Daphne then ran around the same side of the house yet again, past the mud pool yet again. The wolves were all right behind them. Niles took off his bathrobe, revealing only his underpants, and attempted to use the bathrobe as a flag, as he turned to face the animals to wave the bathrobe at the wolves. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING!? screamed Frasier in fear and frustration. "WE'RE ABOUT TO BE THREE TV DINNERS!" shouted Daphne, while shaking in fright. Niles went into a kind of dance, while waving the bathrobe at the wolves while screaming and quivering in complete fear. Frasier turned his head to stare at his brother, dumbfounded."ALL WE NEED NOW IS SOME SPANISH MUSIC PLAYING IN THE BACKGROUND!" Frasier shouted in panic above the loud growling of the wolves, "AND WHAT THE HECK ARE THEY DOING HERE ANYWAYS!"

They all heard the car horn beeping. They turned to see Martin seated in the blue honda, behind the steering wheel. The window of the passenger's seat was smashed. Frasier, Niles and Daphne all ran towards the small vehicle, the wolves behind them. All three of them, opened the car doors and clambered into the car as fast as possible.,Then they slammed the doors shut. The wolves just ran all around the honda alternately growling and shouting animal grunts.

Inside the car Martin breathed a heavy sign. Frasier and Daphne sat in back, while Niles sat beside him shaking in fear. His bathrobe on his lap. Mud dripped all over the dashboard. "Man what a night," observed Martin as he ran his hand over his face. "Stuck here outside Talbot castle all night long."

THE FRASIERIST

ACT FOUR-The next morning Frasier, Niles, Daphne and Martin all sat around in the living room of Byjess Mansion, in fresh clean, gray bathrobes. Frasier and Niles sat on one couch at the end of the living room, while Martin and Daphne sat on the sofa at the other end of the living room facing them. All four of them looked very very scared and exhausted. Niles and Frasier were cleaned of all the mud. "Thank god, the wolves finally just ran off and Maris finally unlocked the door, "sighed Martin as he rubbed his eyes with both hands, "but where the heck did those animals come from out of the blue like that? That's weird." Frasier nearly dozed off. "I don't know and I don't care," the psychiatrist noted wearily. "I just want to get as far away from this house as I can, and back to my own apartment. " He closed his eyes. "After I've had some sleep." Martin looked bleary eyed at Niles. "How is that wife of yours by the way?" he asked Niles point blank. Daphne was nearly asleep. "It was like the San Diego Zoo out there,"joked Daphne bitterly. "Maris has cooled off, she's not mad at me anymore," Niles said weakly. "She just wanted to lock me out all night long, she didn't mean to get the rest of you stuck outside like that." Martin rested his face in his hands: his shoulders and arms were perched on his knee. "Well, let's just get some sleep and then head for home," said Martin yawning.

The four of them heard footsteps coming down the stairs. "Sure c'mon in Maris!" shouted Frasier. The footsteps stopped. Then the footsteps started up again. "He said c'mon in Maris!" shouted Daphne this time, "what happened, did you forget to give the wolves their cans of dog chow?" The footsteps stopped again. The four of them turned in the direction of the staircase-of the footsteps. The footsteps started again louder than ever. Frasier stood up, and thumped his feet in the direction of the staircase. "Maris, I'm sick and tired of these creepy mind games of yours!" Frasier raised his voice,"just come into the living room and talk things out with your husband!" The footsteps got louder than stopped. Frasier walked slowly towards the landing of the staircase. Martin, Niles and Daphne joined him. Nobody was on the stairs. "That's odd," intoned Martin, "I could have sworn I heard her. " "Our imaginations are just overworked," concluded Niles, "let's just get some sleep." Niles was getting ready to saunter back into the living room, but he turned towards the kitchen instead, "after I have some breakfast." "Good idea," they all said at the sametime. Frasier, and Martin and Daphne followed Niles into the kitchen where they were surprised at the sight of a meal of bacon and eggs all laid out on the table in front of them. Each one looked at the other in bewilderment. "Maris, must have came down while we were in the living room and cooked breakfast, " analyzed Niles as he sat down at the table. "No because then we would have heard her, "corrected Daphne as she sat down besides Niles. "Hmmmmmmmm. This is strange," noted Frasier as he scratched his head.

Then all four were startled by a loud moaning and groaning sound coming from upstairs. Frasier, Niles, Martin and Daphne all raced up the staircase and into the dim hallway where the moaning and groaning seemed to be coming from everywhere and nowhere. "Maris, this isn't one of your New Age orgasm exercise sessions is it?!" shouted Niles. The four just looked around in fear. The sounds just stopped. The four just stood quietly for a moment. "This is getting stranger by the minute," said Daphne uneasily, "I'd like to just leave this house as soon as possible." Frasier raised his shoulders to his head, and his cheek bones took on an appearance of added strength. "Whatever you are, unnamed spirit, be gone with you now!" Martin chuckled a bit. "Well Frasier what kind of psychedelic mushroom did you find and put up your nose, to come up with that one?" At that moment, the moaning and groaning sounds started up again and became louder than ever.

A shadow suddenly moved down the hallway right past Frasier, Martin, Niles and Daphne and past Maris's bedroom at the far end of the hall, at the right of the foursome. Frasier, Martin, Niles and Daphne all screamed in fear and turned and ran towards the top of the stairs as fast as their legs could take them. They all ran down the stairs, and through the living room. Frasier opened the front door faster than ever and all four of them ran outside and went straight for the blue honda. "Wait, what about Maris!? shouted Niles in a concerned tone of voice, "what about the rest of our anniversary!?" "HECK WITH HER!"" shouted Martin in terror,limping/running, "SHE CAN DRIVE BACK LATER! WE'LL SELL THE HOUSE, AND NEXT ANNIVERSARY TAKE YOU AND MARIS TO A DRIVE IN MOVIE INSTEAD!"

EPILOGUE-Back in the apartment in the city, Eddie the dog lay quietly on the armchair in the living room on all four paws. The tv switched on by itself. It was a football game. Eddie sat up and watched it with much eagerness...