He can't afford to be that man.
He can't afford to be the man everyone wants him to be, the man everyone is trying to mold him into. He can't afford to lose the skills he's learned since he was a young boy growing up in a malicious world. He can't afford lose sight of his goal, or believed purpose, in life. Too much is at stake.
If he forgets everything he has taught himself and everything he has known, one day someone will come back and shatter the ground beneath his feet, rip away his life he has worked so hard for. If he goes against his better judgement, against his skilled mind, his underlying, big heart, havoc is sure to follow. He can't afford that.
He wants to be a good man, but not the good man everyone wants him to be. He sees the looks everyone tries to hide from him. After all, he's good at noticing things, finding things. He hears the whispers that weren't meant for his ears and hidden messages in their words when they do speak directly to him. He's skilled at decoding. He knows they are all against him, yet secretly want him to be the man they want him to be, to be the man he knows he will never be.
The agents want him to turn the cold shoulder. Some agents want him to be on their side, to play strictly by their playbook with no exceptions, no shades of gray, while others are waiting for him to screw up so they can say "I told you so." But he can't afford either.
He can't afford to lose his skills and values, all of which have made him into the man he is today. He can't afford to go against that, too much depends on it. He would lose everything he loves. He can't afford that. No one can.
He can't be the man everyone wants him to be. He can come close, but he will never actually be him. He can, however, be the man that a few people need him to be. He finds it difficult at times and feels overwhelmed. Sometimes he feels like he has failed and failure does not sit well with him, it isn't in his vocabulary. He will always try to fix things, makes thing right even if it can't be done. Occasionally, he feels it goes unappreciated and makes him second guess his decision on which man to be. Temptation always follows, always encouraging him to be the other man.
But in times like this, he knows it is worth it. He sees the value in not being that man everyone wants him to be, to stick to what you know, what you believe. He understands the value of not listening to everyone, but listening to a few and resisting temptation.
In times such as this one, when he sees the man that just saved his life because he went against the rules, walk around the corner with a cheeky, yet concerned grin and give him a relieved hug, that he knows he cannot, will never and does not want to be the man the other agents want him to be. He can't turn his back on Neal.
Peter Burke can't be the man everyone wants him to be. He doesn't want to be. He knows what he will lose if he is. He will lose his friend, his brother and at times what feels like a son. He can't afford it.
Now he realizes, that Neal can't afford it either.