Cinderveggie
Deep somewhere in space, on a planet called Comestible, lived a beautiful…um, no…charming…no…um… lived a short, foul tempered, spiky-haired fellow named Cindervegeta, or more affectionately as just plain Cinderveggie.
Cinderveggie lived with his step…thing, Frieza, and her…his…its three lovely sons, Zarbon, Dodoria and Nappa, as his father had died and left Cinderveggie in their care. Cinderveggie had always suspected foul play on the part of his step-thing – his father had died under very questionable circumstances. As far as Cinderveggie knew, heads didn't just fall off by themselves. But, finding no proof, he left it be.
As it happened, the Princess of Comestible was throwing a ball, and almost all the kingdom received an invitation. And, of course, Cinderveggie's stepfamily received an invitation.
He was astonished to find his name on the glittering document, and hugged it close to his chest.
He'd finally get a chance to meet the Princess…and from what he knew of her, she was a fox. Lost in his daydreams, he never saw Zarbon sneak up behind him. Zarbon snatched the invitation out of Cinderveggie's grasp, and brushed a wisp of green hair daintily out of his eyes.
"What do you think you're doing with that? You're not coming," he said prettily.
"But – but it says my name on the invitation!" Cinderveggie protested.
Zarbon grinned vindictively and threw the paper into the fire, where it burst oh-o-predictibly into flames.
Cinderveggie clenched his teeth and fought back tears as his stepbrother laughed in his face. The racket caught the attention of the step-thing, who dashed into the room, tail lashing, with Dodoria and Nappa hot on its heels. Zarbon feigned tears.
"Look! Look at what horrid little Cinderveggie did! He burned the invitation!" he fell onto Frieza's shoulder, and a white hand patted his whimpering back.
"What did you do that for?!" Frieza screamed at Cinderveggie. "You know your step-brother's fragile!"
"But step-thing! He did it himself!"
"A likely story. Now instead of coming to the ball with us, you can stay here and scrub the bathroom with a toothbrush!"
Later that night, Frieza, Zarbon, Dodoria and Nappa glided down the spiral staircase in their glittering new armour, and called Cinderveggie out of the bathroom for a gloating session.
"Don't we look simply delicious?" Zarbon asked, doing a little twirl to show off the fullness of his cape and the shine on his breastplate.
"Of course we do. It's such a shame Cindervegeta couldn't restrain himself and join us in our glamour," Frieza added. It had neglected to wear armour as such, but had polished the bony plates it naturally had in that stage.
Nappa groomed his thick black moustache assiduously, and ran his sausage-like fingers through his non-existent hair. Dodoria didn't look so happy.
"Are you sure the black underpants don't make me look fat?" he turned around in his overly tight outfit and waited for a response from his audience.
"You could be wearing anything and still look like a lard-ass," Cindervegeta said under his breath.
"I heard that! And I'm not fat, I'm just… big boned!"
Before a full-blown fight could break out, Frieza called a halt, snarled at Cinderveggie to get back to work, and led its little darlings out the door into the waiting sky-limousine.
Cinderveggie watched them go, and curled up in what had been his father's favourite armchair to feel sorry for himself for a while.
It simply wasn't fair. Not that it mattered much that nobody cared about him, it was the principle of the thing that counted. He considered legal action. He mulled over the benefits of matricide…um, patricide?…well, thingicide.
"That's IT! I can't take this any more!" He slammed one fist down hard on the arm of the chair, and knocked it clean off. The chair's arm, that is, not his fist.
Dammit, now I've done it
, he thought unhappily. Cinderveggie knelt on the now dust-covered floor and picked up the assorted pieces of chair. Amongst the mess, he discovered a small, dusty orange ball. He picked it up, examining it critically."This must have come from the step-thing's collection. I know it has more in its chamber. I'd best put it back, and maybe it won't be so angry with me for killing father's chair when it comes back." He dusted the orb off, and made his way into the step-thing's chamber.
Inside, it wasn't a pretty sight to behold. Gaudy silks draped over scented candles and an excessive number of pillows. Fluffy feather boas flounced fluffily over lampshades.
"Kami! The freak lives in a harem!"
Censor: Excuse me?
"…Um, I mean, well, what outlandish taste my step-thing has."
Cinderveggie opened the case he knew held the other orbs like the one in his hand. Plain, in contrast to the rest of the room, but also slickly slippery – the box fell from his grasp and hit the floor, shattering into pieces. The balls it contained rolled out the door, down the stairs, and thankfully collected themselves on the kitchen floor.
Quite upset, Cinderveggie let loose with a string of powerful expletives, none of which should ever make it to print.
Censor: That's better.
With a sigh, he perched himself on the bench, his elbows resting on his knees.
"If I ever did, I need a wish now. Just one wish to come true."
The balls on the floor began to glow, and soon the whole room was filled with golden light.
Cinderveggie squinted, and as more normal lighting began to return to the room, he heard a terrible, tearing crash as the something that was solidifying smashed through the roof.
"Who summons ze Eternal Fairy-goddragon, Vishna?" a deafeningly loud voice rumbled with a thick accent. Cinderveggie looked up, and to his utter surprise, a massive green dragon holding a wand had zapped into being in the middle of the house.
"I guess it was me," he replied weakly. "But I don't know how I did."
"You spoke my name." The voice rumbled, and the wand tapped what was left of the roof in impatience.
"You must need your hearing checked. I said 'I need a wish now', not your name."
"Vell," said the dragon, obviously offended, "I can go avay iv you vish. Dere is no need to be rude. And just for zat, your vish vill only last 'til midnight. So hurry up and make it."
"Oh, I get a wish? Fine, I wish I was at the ball with something nice to wear and all the mod-cons to go with it."
The giant serpent rolled its eyes dramatically.
"Your vish…is granted. But remember, return before midnight, or you vill not enjoy ze consequences." And with a flash, the Eternal Fairy-goddragon disappeared.
Cindervegeta looked down at his usual drab attire, and found a gleaming suit of armour, inlaid with gems and sparkling gold. On the bench, he found a set of keys. Outside, he found what the keys were for – a shining new hovercar stood where once there had been a broom.
"I'm off!" he declared, jumped in the driver's side, remembered he didn't know how to drive, then gave up in a temper fit and flew to the palace under his own steam.
At the Grand Palace, the Princess Bulma was profoundly bored. Around her, beings of all descriptions danced, talked, laughed. Three of the strange beings in particular were getting on her nerves – a tall, handsome green-haired fellow who seemed more interested in his own reflection in the mirrored wall behind her, a lumpy pink thing in an outfit that made him look like a can of spam in black knickers, and a bald, middle aged man who she was concerned had some type of intestinal worms from the way he fidgeted.
She shifted her position and flicked the long blue braid over her shoulder, stifling a yawn. Her pretty face screwed up as she saw the door attendants struggling with someone. Oh well, it's the first vaguely interesting thing that's happened all evening and probably the last, she prophecised.
The intruder at the door overpowered the attendants, and walked down the stairs as the assembly watched in silence.
There she is,
thought Cinderveggie. She really is a fox, too. He walked stiffly over to the throne she was perched on, and greeted her with a sweeping bow. Behind her, the Princess's parents whispered excitedly to each other."My my, you're handsome, aren't you? Bulma dear, why don't you dance with the young gentleman?" Bulma's rather chirpy mother chirruped.
Flashing the older woman a dirty look, the Princess stood and walked down the couple of stairs to the floor where Cindervegeta stood. When she reached him, the entire room stifled a laugh – she stood a full head taller than him, if they didn't count the wild crop of hair on his head.
"What?" the Princess snapped. Wary of her famous temper tantrums, the room tried their best to go back to what they were doing before the spiky-haired little man had arrived.
"Bear in mind I'm doing this to shut my mother up, and keep your hands where I can see them," she whispered fiercely to her consort.
"What makes you think I'd want anything to do with someone who looked like you?" he snapped back.
After a moment of stunned shock, the Princess smiled beautifully.
"Do you have any idea how many people devote their lives to kissing my backside? It's nice to have a change, in a way. You can call me Bulma."
"Fair enough."
"Well? What's your name, short-stuff?" Cinderveggie bristled.
"Cindervegeta. I suppose you can call me Vegeta if you must," Came the abrupt reply.
Across the room, three pairs of ears and one pair of tube-like orifices pricked.
"Cindervegeta! What the heck are you doing here?!" Frieza bellowed.
Cinderveggie turned to face his step-thing.
"Oh, step-thing. I came to tell you that the house has been completely destroyed, including your collection of Hentai Frogs Monthly," he bellowed back just as loudly. Someone giggled nervously, and it had a snowball effect on the revellers. They laughed until tears coursed down their faces.
"My…my…beautiful house…my magazines…why-you-little…" and with no other pre-emption, Frieza dropped down on the floor, stone-dead.
"No-oo-oo-oo-oo!" screamed Zarbon, Dodoria and Nappa, and together they flew at Cindervegeta, who dodged nimbly out of the way and let them tear each other to pieces, taking out most of the palace in the process.
As the dust cloud settled, it was apparent that the Grand Hall was unsalvageable, and the Princess and Cindervegeta stood silently looking at the piles of debris.
"Well," twittered the Queen. "That was certainly quite a performance…and don't you two look cute together! I think you two should settle down and get married, won't that be fun?"
"Mother…" Bulma rolled her eyes, and her father pulled her aside.
"Sweetie, there's something I forgot to tell you. Your arranged fiancée was meant to arrive today. I think he's squashed under that chunk of piano." He pointed to a pair of lumpy purple legs in boots extending from what was left of the instrument.
"Oh my goodness!" the Princess shrieked in horror at the sight that greeted her eyes. "You were arranging a marriage for me?! And that was my favourite piano!" she wailed.
She turned to Cinderveggie, who was trying in vain to hide a smirk.
"I'm not marrying any old freak you pick for me! This'll do! How about it, Cindervegeta?"
He only shrugged.
"I guess so. But at midnight, I'm going to look really scruffy." She gaped.
"So…this is you on a good day?"
"What do you mean 'on a good day'?"
"What do you think I mean?"
"You keep this up, and I'll leave."
"You'll leave?! Let's put into perspective who was the cause of the destruction of whose house!"
Princess Bulma and Cinderveggie walked away into the distance, and they argued happily ever after.