Deceiver: I hate angst. I hate death. I hate stories with angst and death. Why did I write this when there is so much pain?
Story inspired by Road's cover of the song 'vivi' by Kenshi Yonezu (Hachi).
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I love you so, Vivi! And when tomorrow comes along
Bye-bye is what I'll say when I turn and walk away
Oh this sleepy little town, nearly ashes on the ground
I'll leave it all behind, even thoughts of you and I...
- vivi, by Kenshi Yonezu (Hachi), Road's version
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vivi
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There were so many things Neil wanted to do.
Like everyone, he wanted to live a life without any regret. Experience the wonders the world provided to satisfy his curiosities. Brag about the experiences he gained when someone enquires about them. Share his thoughts and opinions so then he could be looked up on. These are one of the many things he wishe for and wanted to fulfil. Really, there should be a list of things for him to complete during his lifetime.
However, the list was empty. And to Neil, it should remain this way. For no matter how many times he tried to conjure up what he really wanted to do, frustration would strike him with the painful truth of his situation, leaving him crumbling up his dreams and wishes before tossing them aside.
If anyone asked about it, even when Eva chastise him about his careless attitude in life, Neil would just brush it off like it was nothing. Because that was all it was anyway. Nothing. Worthless wants in his life was all they were. That's what he told himself anyway.
Even when the truthful words felt heavy in his mouth, like how the bottle of painkillers always weighed him down in the pocket of his lab coat.
…Beep…Beep…
As Neil watched how Eva admired the night sky within Johnny's childhood memories, he couldn't help it but smile at how innocent she looked. Sure, they had their little banters as they enjoyed the view, but the way Eva looked at him, with her dark eyes sparkling with curiosity, made Neil wanted to share a part of his story with her.
And after his little story telling on how he got into his caffeine addiction, Eva just gave him an amused, yet hopeless look as she shook her head.
"You're terrible," she stated as she turned back to the star-filled sky.
He let out a laugh as he gave a nod. "I know."
As they admired the night sky together, Neil didn't seem fazed when everything around him slowly started to break away into tiny pixels and long complicated algorithm codes. The sky, the small cliff he was on, little Johnny, and including Eva, were all teared away, leaving Neil behind with a grim smile.
…Beep…Beep…
They were never the ones to show off their insecurities, not even to each other.
But to Neil, Eva was the one who expressed her irritations the most out of the two. He always tried many ways to put a smile on her face – with his silly jokes and stupid antics. Most of the time they failed, but at least it shifted her irritation a bit. Even if it was always directed at him.
However, there were times he succeeded to put her at ease. Like that time when EVa looked out the window and watched the protestors below, she looked so vulnerable by questioning what she was doing. Somehow this compelled him to put his foot down and sprout out Rob's BS to cheer her up. Going this far for her was awkward to him, especially when Eva had to ask if he was drunk, but at least she had that hopeless smile on her face in the end.
But with him? Neil didn't want to show what was bothering him. Family issues? His only little experiments? His degrading health? Neil didn't want anyone to know and bother about whatever was affecting his life. It was his problems alone, and as heavy they were, he would carry them by himself, all the while deluding Eva that he's all right with his snarky remarks and grins.
He didn't need to tell Eva anything. Even as his time was running out in this small, decaying world of his.
…Beep…Beep…
The sky was shaded in amber hues as everything broke away more. It sort of reminded Neil of that time when he and Eva work on Colin's case. How the memories were scattered in different places, replaying the scenes over and over as they slowly broke away to nothing. Neil really thought he should be scared with how he was seeing his memories disintegrating around him, yet he was fine with it. A long time ago, he accepted his life was full of regret, and he was out of time already.
So, Neil decided that he might as well enjoy how his life was flashing before his eyes. How everything just played out peacefully in the chaos before they broke away to nothing. Before they could fade though, Neil tried to spot out the memories he felt significant to him while standing on the small piece of ground the was left for him.
He spotted the improvised late Christmas dinner Eva set up for him. And the time when Eva snapped at him when he tried to leave said dinner. The stupid thing he always did while with her – during work and on their breaks. The time they were together at college and at school. How they met…
Neil stared at those memories, silently telling himself again he accepted his regrets. He had always told himself that, even letting go of everything he always wanted to do and have for this day. He should expect it would hurt, and he should be accepting how things were already.
He shouldn't be crying over his stupid regret on things he wanted.
"Neil?"
The bespectacled brunet almost jumped off the remaining ground he was on before he whipped his head around at the voice. Eva was behind him, frowning with her eyes narrowed at as she tilted her head to the side. Neil opened his mouth, closing it again though as he pointed at her, not sure what to make of this. She looked so real, not part of any memories projected around them before breaking away to nothing within his closed world.
Before Neil could even form a word, Eva took a step forward. She was still frowning, but her eyes softened a bit. Neil was not sure what to make of this as he felt trapped between Eva and the void where the pieces of his memories were falling into. Before he could do anything, Eva reached out and took his hand.
"Neil…" she continued to stare at him, her gaze piercing through his one-way mirrored glasses and into his eyes. Still shocked on Eva being here, Neil never felt so exposed in his life. He was sure Eva saw everything from the memories related to her here, and he just realised he still had tears running down his cheeks. Eva didn't say anything about it though, but just held her gaze on him.
"Why…" Neil felt the heavy words escaping his lips, and he couldn't contain them. "Why are you here?"
Eva gave a huff, almost looking insulted. "What do you think?"
"You shouldn't be here," Neil tried to summon his controls to send her away, but Eva was having none of that as she grabbed his other hand too. She stood her ground, ignoring how everything was breaking around them as she continued to stare at her partner, allowing him to see what intentions she had here. The closeness and the intensity was too much, forcing Neil to look away.
He didn't want this. He didn't want Eva to be here within his dying moments and refusing to leave. He already gave up his wish to be with her, so with her here – right here in his final moments, was just a stab into his heart.
"Neil, look at me." He pretended not to have heard her. "Neil."
The way she stressed out his name and held his hand tighter was enough to make Neil relent. Hating this more than ever, he glanced back at her, only to blink when he found her smiling at him, giving him that hopeless look she always gave after whatever stupidity he did.
"Eva…" he tried to start, only to be silenced when Eva pressed a finger over his lips. Blinking at her, Neil was confused as she sighed, shaking her head at him.
"You don't have to say anything," she told him. "I…I know, okay? I always knew." She sighed, offering the best smile she could in this situation. "That's…That's why I'm here. I want to be here."
With her stating what she wanted with such a resolve, Neil tried very hard to say she shouldn't want such a thing. Yet, before he could stop himself, Neil pulled Eva in to hug her closely, his face buried against her shoulder as he let himself cry. She was surprised at first, but Eva just hugged him back in comfort, with small pats on his back to let him get it all out.
The world was almost gone by the time he was done. Neil pulled back to look at Eva closely. She didn't showed any sign of backing down from her decision.
"You know you are being a moron staying here, right?" he asked her.
"You know that you are the bigger moron, right?"
Neil really shouldn't, but he laughed at that as they hugged again. He was being selfish for allowing Eva to be here. She still had her family, and a better shot at life than him.
However, he found himself allowing himself to be selfish and want this. And with Eva not even objecting to the idea, Neil knew he should accept it.
Because to them – this was the wish they wanted to be granted in their final moment.
…Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep…
The sound of the flatline echoed around the hospital room, yet no one inside it stirred. Neil Watts laid in his bed, just passed away after viewing what he wished for with the help of his machine and his partner. Eva Rosalene had her hand linked to his as she sat in her seat, slumped over with her chin above her still chest.
Both the doctors were wearing the same helmets, allowing them to see each other one more time before Neil's time was up. Eva had chosen to follow where he was going, knowing he wouldn't enjoy the afterlife without her at least granting his unspoken, dying wish. She wanted to do this for him anyway.
With their wishes granted, they now laid there, hand in hand, a content smile on their face.
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Oh, I let out all those words, and I finally felt your touch,
And yet despite all that, I said nothing at all
Oh, I love you so, Vivi
I love you so, Vivi
Say goodbye to me, Vivi, since that's all our love comes to
- vivi, by Kenshi Yonezu (Hachi), Road's version