Authors note: this story is based off of this:
http :/ask dave kat. Tumblr . com/ post/ 17466171102 /our-first-kiss-went-a-little-like-this
==Be present Dave
Your name is Dave Strider and your cheek fucking hurts. Why does your cheek hurt? Let's go back fifteen minutes and recap.
==Be past Dave
You are now Dave Strider fifteen minutes ago and the troll beside you -a one Karkat Vantas- has just told you he's never had apple juice. You decide -in an ironic sense because apple juice is the shit, no questions asked- that this is unacceptable.
"Dude, how could you have never tasted the only true gift bestowed to mankind from the gods in the form of tasty liquid apples?" you say with the ease only capable of a Strider. "Even if it could easily replaced with piss." you add with a shudder as you recall your conversation with John about Little Monsters.
"I just never have fuckass! I've only been on this pathetic excuse of a planet for 2 of your stupid earth years. And why would I want to try it now? How would I know you're not giving me a glass of piss?" he snaps at you. You wonder if he ever takes breaths between sentences.
"That's enough time to try apple juice Vantas. Don't you know you can't stay on this planet if you haven't had at least one glass of aj within a year of being on earth? I'm surprised you haven't been kicked out by now." Karkat narrows his eyes and snarls a bit. He's going off on one of his rants, saying things like "how could that be a thing?" or "do you think my think pan is as brain dead and that pile of derp you call a leader you fuckass?"
You have a hard time holding back the smirk that's spreading on your face. He's cute when he gets mad.
…
Wait, what?
==Hold the figurative phone
Yeah sure, you have no problem with that.
==Dave: Delude yourself
Nope, you didn't think that. Not once. Not at all. It would be too uncool for you to even consider it. Besides, Karkat's mad all the time.
And he's an alien. With gray skin, fucking spears at the end of his fingers, shark teeth and those adorably nubby horns…
Damn.
==Get on with the plot!
Yeah, okay. Sure.
You've dwelled on this long enough, time to grab Karkat's attention.
"Hey Vantas, I hate to interrupt you, because this is so very amusing, but would you like some apple juice or not?"
"No, you're going to piss in it or something in one of your 'cool' and 'ironic ways of trying to tick me off."
"Seriously? You think I would taint something as hole as apple juice just to spite you? How heartless do you think I am?"
"Oh gog. If it'll make you stop fucking talking then I'll have a glass of fucking apple juice!"
"It's all I'm asking Karkitty. Look, I'll even get you a juice box if it'll make you feel better.
"Don't fucking call me that!"
You get up from the folded futon and saunter out of the living room and into the kitchen.
==Grab a juice box
You grab the juice box and head back to the living room. "catch" is the only warning Karkat's given as Dave tosses the box to the troll.
"Gah! What the fuck Strider?" he says as he fumbles around to catch the juice. This causes you to chuckle a bit, but only until you catch yourself and stop.
"Whatever, just drink the juice." you say with a perfect poker face in place. Which is hard because the troll is just turning the box around in his hands with this look on his face that suggests he has no idea what to do. The entire thing looks really cu-, you mean ador-… its entertaining okay?
He looks up at you with confusion and annoyance in his still gray eyes and asks "how?"
==Burst in to uncontrollable laughter
You can't even help it! You try to stop but it's really just too funny? And with his face turning all red from embarrassment just makes you laugh more.
"Fuck you! How would I even know? We didn't have shit like this back on Alternia! Gog, stop fucking laughing?" he yells and you really do make an attempt to stop. It's just taking a while.
Your eventually calm enough to explain to Karkat that you take the clear plastic tube and put the pointy end through the shiny silver part on the top.
"Thanks I guess." he mumbles before he begins to sip his juice box. You let yourself chuckle before you reply with a "No problem."
==Dave: watch Karkat
What? You're not watching him, that's just creepy…
==You will watch him and you will like it!
Okay fine! You're watching him as his eyes light up at the taste of the apple juice. He's clearly enjoying, and it's making your stomach flop around like a retarded seal with no flippers chasing its tail fin thinking it's a fish.
Happy?
==Yes
"So do you like it?" smooth.
"It's actually really good." He says then goes back to sipping. Or at least he would have, but his razor teeth have now punctured the straw.
"Fuck! My teeth have punctured the liquid transporter tube!"
"Real smooth."
==Dave: notice the juice running down Karkat's chin
You are attempting to not notice the juice running down Karkat's chin. But it's a losing battle. Karkat's looking up at with a scowl and is blaming you but all you can think of is the temptation.
==Kiss him
Are you nuts? Why are you even considering it? He'd punch you.
==Come on, don't let the apple juice go to waste!
Well when you put it that way…
He'd defiantly punch you though…
==Dave: tune in
Whoops, looks like Karkat's talking to you. Now's a good time as any to start listening you guess.
"—listening to me? The fuck are you looking at me for anyway?" he asks, and you continue to stare at him a little longer.
==Kiss him you fool!
Fuck it. You listen to that weird voice inside your head.
His eyes widen in surprise when you start to lean towards him. He's probably about to ask you what the hell your doing when your lips touch his.
==SCORE!
The kiss is chastise and sweet -though you suppose it's sweet due to the apple juice- and he's kissing back, sweet mother of god he's actually kissing back! Your heart swells from that thought alone causing you to smile a bit into the kiss
After a minute of this he jerks back, and you kind of just look at him, a bit confused. Your about to ask him what's wrong when-
WHAM!
His fist connected with your face.
==Be present Dave again
And that's how you ended up on the other side of the futon with a swollen and sore cheek. Karkat's on the other end viciously sipping away at his juice box, blushing and glaring daggers at you from the corner of his eye.
"Worth it" you say and he just sips more eagerly with is blush deepening
Your name is Dave Strider, and you think you like Karkat Vantas more than apple juice.