I know, I know. I need to finish Grimm's "The Family Tree," but this idea popped out at me. I NEEDED to write it.
This is a Joey/Chandler ship.
This does have graphic scenes of suicide.
This is emotional, in my opinion.
If you can handle that, keep reading!
As an apology for not finishing "The Family Tree" right away, I'm uploading the whole story...
You're being stupid, Chandler thought while rubbing a hand over his tired face. Quit exaggerating everything. Rachel probably didn't even mean anything by what she said.
It was three in the morning and Chandler was wide awake. Once again, Chandler Bing was overthinking a situation. Once again, Chandler Bing was being ridiculous.
The situation he was talking about happened in the Central Perk coffee shop where he and the gang usually hung out. He normally loved being there with his closest friends, but for the past several months he has felt, for lack of a better term, off.
He knew it was coming, what with everyone else being in some sort of a relationship and all, and he was okay with it, really, but he felt a distance growing between him and everyone else. It felt as if they weren't as close as they used to be or, to rephrase, everyone else was moving on and Chandler was stuck where he had always been.
But he was okay with it, really.
Anyways, the situation Chandler was currently panicking about was when everyone was discussing their relationships. Ross was with Rachel, Monica was with Richard, and Phoebe was with Mike. Joey had left at this point, saying he had some things to take care of on the Days set.
Chandler watched as everyone sat with their significant others and talked happily while he just sat there and, well, watched. It wasn't the first time he hadn't felt included, but it hadn't hurt as much as it did right then.
Then Rachel just had to turn to him and make everything worse. "So Chandler," she had started, "You're awfully quiet over there. Do you have anyone in your life right now? Or are you just being quiet because you and she are keeping it secret?"
They're mocking me, a part of Chandler thought. I don't have anyone and they're just trying to point it out to make fun of me.
Instead of retorting, Chandler smiled and turned it into a joke like he always did. "Nope, no secret girlfriend here. Well, unless you count the women on Baywatch, then maybe, but I think that's called – oh, what's the phrase – oh, right. Being a creep."
They all laughed at his joke, but then Rachel continued, albeit a little more tentative with the next question. "What about a boyfriend? Do you have a secret boyfriend?"
Chandler had told his friends about a year ago that he admits to being bisexual. It took him a long time to accept it due to obvious Daddy issues, but he was now completely fine with being open about it. He had even gone on a few not-too-great dates with some men.
"Again, no secret person is in my life. Promise. Scout's honor." He raised his hand to emphasize his point.
"Have you thought about dating? I mean, I haven't seen you with anyone in a long time."
Chandler smiled. "Don't worry, Rach. You don't have to save my love life." It's already too far gone. I gave up a long time ago.
She nodded and towards Ross when he began speaking, not knowing the self-depreciating thoughts running through his head.
And that was it. That was all that was said to him about it, and here he was, being a complete idiot and overthinking everything.
Maybe I'm doomed to be alone. Chandler thought miserably. They're all so happy and I'm just there being miserable. They probably only come to Central Perk anymore because they feel bad for me. I'm holding them back from living their own happy lives. They could all be doing couple things like going on double, triple dates and playing those stupid couples' games. Instead they just hang out at Central Perk with me.
Chandler felt disgusted with himself. His friends should never feel obligated to hang out with him. He didn't ever want that to happen, but it appeared that it had. He would have to do something about that. He smiled sadly when he finally devised a way to get his friends to hang out with each other instead.
With a plan in mind and exhaustion overwhelming him finally at five in the morning, Chandler fell asleep with one more thought. I'm doing the right thing. They don't need me being a nuisance in their lives.
Chandler woke up the following Thursday morning ready to begin implementing his plan. On his lunch break, he went down to Central Perk pretending to be in a rush. "Hey, Chandler!" Monica said cheerily. "What's got you in a rush?"
"Bunch of things going on at work," he lied. "I'm going to be working well into the weekend."
Monica frowned. "Are you going to make it to our game night on Saturday?"
Chandler shook his head. "Nah, sorry." He ordered a coffee to make it look like he had an actual reason to be there other than to deliberately cancel his attendance. "But hey, you can go out instead staying in. You all can go out to dinner!" He said, forcing himself to sound cheerful. "You don't need me to tag along, trust me. I'll just be boring anyways."
Chandler didn't see it because he was looking at Monica, but Phoebe gave him a look.
As if on cue, his coffee arrived. "Hey, look at that. I got to get going, Monica, but I'll see you later!" He waved at her and was out the door before anyone could question him.
It seemed like it went well to him, but he'll just have to wait and see. For now, however, he had to get back to work before his break was over.
After Chandler had walked out, Phoebe spoke up. "Hey, do you guys know what's wrong with Chandler lately? I'm kind of worried about him."
Ross was the one to answer her. "What do you mean?"
"Well, he's been acting weird. He's usually the first one to talk in a conversation, the first one to jump excitedly when plans are made. Now, he's kind of reserved. I've never seen him like this."
"Well," Rachel started. "He did just say he was busy with work. Maybe he's distracted."
"Maybe," Phoebe said, though she didn't sound convinced. She was worried about her friend, but was too scared to say anything. She could be wrong and Chandler could really be distracted by work.
Shrugging, she continued half-listening to Rachel and Ross talk about pop artists, wondering if she should talk to Chandler about what was going on in that head of his.
Chandler got back late because, as it turned out, there actually was a lot of work to be done. One of the IT systems they had received was dysfunctional, so the entire office was being reamed by Chandler's boss to fix it. Since he hadn't gotten much sleep the previous night, he was exhausted when he came home at almost eleven at night.
Chandler almost collapsed on his bed and was about to fall asleep fully clothed in his work clothes when he heard the noises coming from the other room in his apartment – Joey's room.
And suddenly everything sucked again because it would be just like Chandler to have the biggest crush on his roommate and best friend. Hearing him with other women made Chandler just a tad bit jealous, but he always pushed the jealousy down before it could turn around and crush him.
But, as he had been feeling off for the past several months, the jealousy never came anymore. It was just replaced by pain and feelings of inadequacy. He would never be good enough for Joey. His best friend deserved someone a million times better than Chandler could ever even dream to be.
He slipped out of his clothes and into some pajamas before crawling into his bed, but Joey seemed intent on keeping him awake. How could two people have a sex drive like that? Sex shouldn't last as long as that. There's no way!
Eventually, the noises stopped in the other room, only to be replaced with a sound that sounded a lot like a smack. There was some yelling and Chandler got worried, so he got out of bed quickly to see what the fuss was about. It wasn't like he was tired anymore. He could go from being severely exhausted to wide awake in moments lately. Maybe I'm drinking too much coffee... He thought absentmindedly as he opened his bedroom door.
He opened the door to Joey watching the girl slam the door behind her. "Hey, Joe. You okay?" Chandler said, clearing his throat because his voice was raspy from lack of use.
Joey turned to Chandler with a surprised look in his eyes. "Ch-Chandler! Hey! Yeah, I'm fine. No worries here. Sorry about waking you. I'll definitely not be bothering you anymore tonight." Then, Joey ran to his room and shut the door.
Well, that was weird... Chandler thought.
Shrugging, Chandler decided that since he was wide awake, he might as well go on a walk. He returned to his room and got dressed in a pair of torn jeans and an old Star Wars t-shirt he'd had since he'd seen the first movie. He remembered fondly how he thought the movie was going to be stupid and that his mother never should have taken him to see a "dork film." Now, though, he was glad his mother had taken him. It was a really great movie.
He hadn't seen a movie quite like it in a long time. Probably because I haven't been to the movies in a while. He mused.
He grabbed his jacket and was out the door in minutes. As he walked down the chilled streets of New York, his thoughts travelled to Joey. He let himself wonder what a relationship with him would be like. It brought a real smile to his face. Funny, he thought. The smile felt foreign on his face, like it hadn't been there in a while.
He walked around a little more before he came to a restaurant. It was one of those late-night ones that were open at the ridiculous time Chandler was up. He looked in the window and saw something that surprised him.
It was Rachel, Ross, Monica, Richard, Phoebe, and Mike. They must have lost track of the time. He watched them silently through the window. He couldn't make out what they were saying, but they looked happy, really happy. In Central Perk, their smiles didn't hold a candle to the smiles they were wearing now. Chandler was right. They were happier without him.
So why did it hurt so much?
Chandler forced himself to look and walk away. The chill in the air was starting to bite and, when he looked towards the sky, he could see that it had begun to snow.
I should have brought a warmer jacket.
He sighed heavily, his breath visible in the cold, night air, before beginning his trek back to the apartment complex. He must have been pretty deep in thought because as he was walking across the street, a car barely missed him. He looked up with wide eyes as the guy shouted out his window at him, saying, "Are you suicidal, kid? Watch where you're going!"
"Sorry," Chandler mumbled, knowing the guy was already too far down the road to hear him, but felt the need to say it anyways.
After the initial shock of almost being hit died down, he briefly wondered what would have happened if the car had hit him. I probably would have died.
That thought should have scared him, but it didn't. Shouldn't he be scared of dying? He probably should be but, at this point, death seemed almost preferable. He was going to die eventually anyways, and he would die old and alone. Why not end it sooner? Dying young seemed like there would be less pity. Plus, he was holding his friends back. Maybe if he were dead, his friends could live their own lives and truly be happy with their significant others. Yeah, they would be sad at first, but each of them would have someone to help them through it.
Except Joey, Chandler thought briefly, but he shook his head. Joey had his family. Joey's family would definitely help him through it. There was no way he would be alone.
Just to be safe, though, he would try to find out if everyone would really make it through his death. He didn't want anyone to be hurt irreparably. Though, he might be being a little self-centered in thinking that someone might care enough to be devastated by such an event. He wasn't sure.
This is all hypothetical, of course. Chandler thought to himself. I won't actually kill myself. Just...
He laughed humorously. Who was he kidding?
Now, he just needed to get back into game night on Saturday.
Friday, Chandler had the day off. He woke up around ten in the morning, ready to start his day off with a hot cup of coffee. As he was walking towards the kitchen, he saw Joey coming out of his room as well, making him remember what had happened last night.
"Joey, hey. How are you? I'm guessing last night didn't go so well with that girl considering I'm not here making pancakes." He said, trying to joke.
Joey looked up and glared. "No need to rub it in, Chandler."
Chandler's eyes widened. "I-I'm sorry... That's not what I meant at all. I'm really sorry!"
Joey's glare immediately softened at Chandler's frightened words. "It's okay, Chandler. I didn't mean to snap at you."
"No, you're right," Chandler nodded quickly. "I shouldn't have said something like that. It was completely uncalled for. I'm really sorry."
I'm such an asshole, Chandler thought while chewing on his bottom lip. What a great way to start the day.
Joey watched Chandler carefully, wondering just what was going through his head. With an outburst like that, it couldn't be good. I hope he's okay... Joey said. If it were anyone else, he might have asked, but he felt like he would be overstepping his boundaries with Chandler if he did, so he stayed silent while he ate breakfast.
Eventually, Joey left, saying he had to leave for the Days set again, leaving Chandler alone. The brunet decided that he would go see what Monica and Rachel were doing. When he knocked, Monica opened the door. "Chandler! You're just the person I needed to see!" She said excitedly.
"R-really?" Chandler said, like it was either the most amazing or the most terrifying thing he had ever heard. "What's up?"
"Well, we're trying to decide who is hotter. It's either Joey or Jennifer Love Hewett. You are the perfect one to ask because you shoot for both teams!"
Chandler blushed, but followed Monica into her apartment. "Look who I found! He'll end this discussion once and for all!"
They all turned to Chandler, waiting for his response. He just shrugged, saying, "It's not really a competition, but Joey's definitely the better looking one. Plus, Joey's more reachable, more relatable, so I'm definitely going with Joey."
Monica, Rachel, and Phoebe all cheered loudly and, though the guys lost, they still looked excited.
Did he miss something?
Monica pulled Chandler to sit on the couch next to her while they all talked animatedly about various subjects. Chandler let them talk, not wanting to interrupt and say something completely rude or off topic like he always did. He already was intruding on their little get-together as it was, so he stayed quiet, resisting the sudden urge to pull his knees to his chest.
Phoebe, who was on the other side of Chandler, leaned over to him and whispered, "You're being awfully quiet over there. What's on your mind?"
Oh, you know, just realizing that I'm not a good friend if I can't find a reason to contribute to the conversation in a positive way. "Nothing." He said simply.
She paused at the simple statement, then began to ask, "Are you okay, Chandler?"
Chandler looked at her in confusion. Why was she asking that? "Huh? Y-yeah. I'm fine. Just a lot of things to think about today!" He said with a heavily forced smile.
She nodded and Chandler prayed she bought it. His friends didn't need to hear about his petty problems. What kind of friend would he be if he dumped all his menial problems onto them? So, he just left his statement at that and continued to be silent.
He also pointedly ignored the worried look he was receiving from Phoebe and forced himself to listen to his other friends.
Chandler had zoned out at one point when Monica shoved him to coherency. "Did you hear me, Chandler?"
"Huh?" He said eloquently.
She laughed and Chandler shrunk in on himself a little more. "We were wondering if you remembered that time a couple years ago when you made out with everyone at the Christmas party."
Rachel laughed. "Yeah, we were seriously worried that you'd finally lost it because we didn't realize you had that much to drink!"
Chandler folded his arms around his chest. "Y-yeah. I'm sorry about that..."
Monica chuckled. "No need to apologize. It was really funny, especially when you kissed Ross."
"No comment." Ross mumbled.
"Oh!" Rachel yelled excitedly. "Remember when you dived off the diving board at that swimming pool and your swim trunks came off?"
Monica cheered. "I remember! Joey went in and saved you! I remember how mortified you were."
Chandler's cheeks were red by this point. These stories were times that Chandler wasn't exactly comfortable talking about, and his friends seemed to think it was okay to laugh at them. It's okay, Chandler thought. At least they're having fun. Don't ruin it.
Richard and Mike were enthralled by these stories of Chandler's misfortune. They were laughing as well, and as Rachel and Monica told stories about his most embarrassing moments, Chandler eventually gave in and hugged his knees to his chest.
I – I have to get out of here. Chandler thought, his breathing picking up. I can't...
Chandler suddenly stood up, mumbled something about having work to do even though it was his day off, and ran to the bathroom to throw up the little he had eaten that day.
He sat there on the bathroom floor and calmed his breathing. He didn't want to pass out and have Joey find him unconscious. That would raise to many questions and Joey didn't need to be bothered by his misery.
I'm so fucking pitiful. Look at me. I can't even take a joke. Chandler sighed, his breath shaky from trying to prevent himself from crying. I can't do anything right...
Chandler sat on the bathroom floor for hours, telling himself he would not cry and to get over himself. It wasn't until Joey got home that he stood up and placed a smile on his tear-stained face. If Joey noticed, he never said anything about it.
Saturday morning he woke up gasping for air. He couldn't remember what his dream was, just that he couldn't breathe. He calmed his breathing for several minutes before shakily walking out to the living room.
In the kitchen was Joey. "Hey, Chan! I heard that you can't make it to game night tonight! It's gonna suck now that you're not there."
Chandler forced a smile. "Nah, it's okay Joey. You won't even notice I'm gone."
"Why's that?"
"Because I'm gonna be there. Turns out the problem at work was able to be fixed easier than the boss thought, so work isn't going to hold me over." Smooth.
Joey's face lit up. That was not what Chandler wanted to see. Joey shouldn't be that happy because he was coming to game night. Joey could be a little happy, but since Chandler was trying to figure out if his presence would truly be missed, he needed Joey to be less happy.
"Great!" Joey said. "Now we can kick ass at Scategories. I hate it when I get put on anyone else's team but yours. No one understands what I'm trying to say!"
Chandler chuckled. "I think you're thinking of Charades, Joey."
"Right, that's what I meant." Then Joey smiled. "See? You're the perfect teammate!"
Chandler went to the fridge and pulled out some food. He wasn't really that hungry, but he was sure Joey was. "You want some eggs, Joe?"
Joey practically jumped at the mention of food. "Always."
Chandler was serving the food before Joey spoke again. "Hey, Chandler..." He began, suddenly sounding reserved.
"What's up, Joey?"
"Can I ask you for some advice?"
Chandler nodded. "Of course. You know you can talk to me about anything." Chandler rolled his eyes at his own statement. "Could I be any more of a girl?"
Joey smiled softly at that. "I think I finally met someone who I really want to be with, but I don't want to screw up what we've already got going."
Chandler's heart dropped. Pushing his heartbreak aside, he focused on helping his best friend. "O-oh?" He said dumbly. "And what do you need my advice for? Relationships aren't exactly what I'm good at." He said with a sheepish smile.
"Well, what would you do? I mean, if you were in my position, what would you do?"
Chandler thought about that. "Well, I don't really know. I guess I haven't really thought about that." He pondered. "But if I'm already friends with someone that I wanted to date, I would probably take them to a place where we share the most memories. Maybe it's the first place we met, or take them to see the first movie we found out we had in common. I know I would like that if someone did that for me, so maybe it'll work out for whoever you want to be with."
Joey looked as if he were absorbing everything Chandler said earnestly. "Thank you, Chandler. I appreciate it. You won't regret it!"
Chandler forced another smile. Good. Joey has found someone. "So, when do I get to meet this person?"
Joey smiled. "You'll get to meet them eventually. I want to make sure they feel the same way before I let them meet you though, okay?"
Chandler nodded. "Well, I gotta get ready for work, but I'll see you later, okay, Joe?"
Joey smiled brightly. "Alright! I can't wait!"
Chandler couldn't even think about work at this point. It didn't even seem like it mattered anymore. The only reason he was putting in any effort at all was because he would feel bad if he didn't. He didn't want to be the reason something bad happened to the business he worked for.
When he got home, he quickly changed out of his clothes, mentally preparing himself for game night. He didn't really want to go at this point, but he had to figure out if they would make it through his death. It was bugging him whether or not they could or not.
At work he had devised another plan so they wouldn't get too suspicious of why he was asking if they would care if he died. So, as he and Joey walked into Monica and Rachel's apartment, he was well-prepared for his questioning.
They were talking about their jobs, and Chandler thought this was the perfect opportunity to bring up his plan. "Hey, guys. Speaking of jobs, I actually have to ask you guys something. It's for my job. We are creating a system that will help identify people with severe depression through a series of questions. I wanted to know what a common response to these questions is so we can create an accurate system."
They all nodded, eager to help their friend. It was the perfect plan, really. None of them really cared about what he did for a living, so he could make virtually anything up about his job and no one would bat an eye.
He came up with several bullshit questions before coming to the real question he wanted answered. "If you guys lost a close friend, for example, me, how hard or easy would you take it?"
Phoebe was quick to answer. "I don't think we would really get over it. If we lost you, Chandler, it would hurt us in a way that couldn't be fixed. The death of a loved one is not something anyone really gets over. You just get used to the pain."
And that was it. That was what he needed to hear. It wasn't a perfect response, but the fact that they could get used to the pain was enough for Chandler. They didn't need him. They would live without him. He smiled. "Thanks guys! I know my boss will appreciate the feedback. Now, let's move away from this lame topic and on with game night!"
They nodded, but Phoebe was still staring at him. Joey seemed to be giving him a look as well, but he pretended not to notice.
Game night was a lot of fun for everyone, but Chandler was pulling back a lot. Usually he was up and center, but he couldn't find as much interest in Monopoly like he used to. Plus, he was starting to second guess himself on this whole dying thing.
The moment he said the word depression earlier, he couldn't help but wonder whether he was depressed. People with depression had suicidal thoughts. If he was depressed, then his suicidal thoughts would be because he was sick and not because he was trying to do what was best for his friends. That's ridiculous, he thought. I'm not depressed. I have no reason to be depressed. I have a job that pays really well and the best friends I could ever ask for. He was suddenly overwhelmed with the self-loathing and anger. When did I become such a whiny bitch? He laughed inwardly. Depressed? That's for people with real problems, real struggles! What makes me think that I have a right to say I'm anywhere near depressed?
Suddenly, he stood up. "Hey, guys. I'm really tired. I think I'm going to head to bed early. I'm really sorry."
"It's okay, Chandler, you have been working a lot of extra hours this week." Joey said. "Do you want me to come with you?"
Chandler shook his head. "Thank you, but I don't need help getting into bed. Promise." He joked.
Joey nodded. "Well, g'night, Chan."
"Night, Joe."
Chandler practically rushed to his room before collapsing on his mattress and screaming into his pillow. He was a sobbing mess within seconds. He kept his cries muffled by the pillow, but he couldn't stop them from happening. Why was he so pathetic? He even went as far as to pity himself briefly for thinking he was depressed. What a self-centered, dick move. He deserved what was coming to him. He deserved to die. What person would say they had something as serious as depression when they clearly didn't?
And now look at him, crying into a pillow. Seriously? Jesus, he was such a baby.
He was a complete asshole. His thoughts travelled to every wrong thing he had done. When he had first met Joey, he was going to trade him for another roommate because the other roommate would introduce him to models. He chose women over an actual friend.
He remembered how his friends hadn't celebrated Thanksgiving with a real turkey in God knows how long all because his parents separated on that day. Parents get divorced all the time. Why did he have to ruin a special holiday because of it?
And don't forget about all the women and men he has called "terrible." Were they really so bad? He thought back to them and realized he picked out their flaws and focused entirely too much on them. He was looking for a perfect person when there was no such thing, for one, and even if there was a perfect person, why would they want to be with him of all people? They could do so much better.
All these thoughts plagued him for several days. Every night, he fell asleep crying, hating himself each morning for how pathetic he was.
But hey, at least he could fall asleep before three in the morning this time.
A week went by before Chandler saw his opportunity.
"Hey, Chandler!" Joey said one night. "I'm actually going to be out pretty late tonight. I don't know if I'll be home, so don't wait up for me, okay?"
Chandler nodded distractedly. "I won't. Thanks for telling me."
Joey looked at his friend for a moment. "Chandler, are you okay? You've seemed kind of down lately."
Chandler turned to face his friend with the best smile he could muster. "Yeah, Joe. I'm fine. Just distracted."
Joey nodded. "Well, get those distractions out of your head. You're here, not wherever those distractions are."
Chandler blinked. "You make more sense than you think sometimes, and that scares me."
Joey smirked. "Thanks!"
"It wasn't a compliment..."
"Well, I'll just take it as exactly that!"
The Italian man suddenly stood. "Well, I better take off. I'm going to get the supplies I need to finally ask that person out."
Chandler smiled. "Alright. Good luck."
"Thanks, Chan."
Suddenly, Chandler's voice was surprisingly small. "Joey?"
"Yeah?"
"Thank you, you know, for always being there for me." He said, purposefully avoiding Joey's gaze.
Joey nodded. "That's what I'm here for. You mean the world to me, Chandler."
Because Chandler wasn't looking, he didn't see the sudden battle that went across Joey's features before settling to a more resolved look. "I'll see you later, Chandler."
"Goodbye, Joey."
Once the man was out the door, Chandler was finally alone. He went to his room and opened the drawer that he kept locked at all times. Inside were five letters, one for each of his friends. He knew he wouldn't be able to say goodbye in person, but this would let him do just that.
He taped Joey's to his door and left the rest on the counter, hoping the man would see them and deliver them if he came home with whoever this mysterious person Joey had been talking about. Whoever she was, Chandler hoped she knew how lucky she was.
Walking back into his room, he locked his door and opened the bottle of sleeping pills Monica had given him when he started complaining about how he couldn't sleep. He had gotten used to the lack of sleep, but it didn't really matter right now, did it?
One by one, he swallowed the pills until the entire bottle was empty. He laid there in his bed, throwing the empty bottle between his hands until his vision started to sway.
Suddenly, a searing pain emanating from his stomach hit him. He shakily unlocked his door and ran to the bathroom, the pill bottle still gripped in his hand, and threw up in the toilet repeatedly. His breathing was fast and he was sweating profusely.
In the movies they portray suicide by pills as a peaceful event. Chandler was quickly finding out that this was not the case.
I deserve this pain. Every single bit of it.
He suddenly felt very dizzy and could barely breathe. His body felt unusually heavy, so he laid his body on the tile of the bathroom floor, unable to lift himself up. The pain was overriding his every sense. Slowly, he slid into unconsciousness, hoping that this would be the last time he ever felt so much pain.
I love you, Joey.