A/N: References to FFIV with snippets of The After Years, both of which belong to Squeenix. Written purely as humor though it does follow the same general storyline of FFIV.

Even though I took AP Psych a year ago, I do not endorse or recommend that you take any of this psychology as factual depictions of any field of psychology or any of its practices. I'm warning you. This won't help you study for the AP exam for any one who plans to take it in the future as a high school student. Try quizlet or a review book.

Hope you will enjoy.

The Psychoanalyst

Prologue

Because I was getting tired of that yellow dress that my fiancé liked so much, I decided to wear something different for the occasion. I swung open the doors of my wardrobe, fingering all those gaudy outfits he made me wear.

Hmm…

Nothing of interest. This is getting me nowhere.

Then, I decided to try a heuristic. What's that? Oh, I forgot to tell you. It's really complicated. All you have to do is look at all the potential solutions before starting a game. And try them all out. Don't actually.

I would make you do it if I were a cognitive psychologist. Then, I'd tell you how stupid you are right after. You'd leave with a bruised brain with corrected thoughts.

Anyway, I'm not smart enough to be a cognitive psychologist. So I used a heuristic.

Frantically, I pulled out every piece of clothing from my closet.

A black mourning dress. He was about to make me wear this for my own funeral. Somehow, I had never gotten around to throwing it away.

The next thing that flew out of my closet was a crumbly old brown dress. It looked a lot like a maid's dress. Part of my clever escape plan to flee from Kaipo with my fiancé. Even the prince who pretended to be a bard agreed with how amazing this disguise was (after some intimidation).

A white frilly blouse and a navy blue suit. Ugly, I'll admit, but it would have to do. Looking at the label that still had the price tag, I laughed. Of course. It's from Harley. Ever the practical one.

Throwing on the odd assortment of clothing, I grabbed my briefcase. Then, I walked over to the windowsill and slipped on the perfect pair of glasses. They made people uncomfortable.

I couldn't settle for less, being a psychoanalyst—the most cheerful of psychologists.

Opening my binder, I examined my list of clients.

Kain

Cecil

Both under group therapy for my first appointment. This would be interesting. After all, I haven't seen Cecil since a long time ago during a huge misunderstanding.

Let me tell you what happened. My dear fiancé decided it would be best if I pretend I was wounded so that Cecil wouldn't make me go with him to find a Sand Pearl or whatever. Even though my dress had nary a stain of blood, everyone believed me mortally wounded, even my father. Well he can't quite see through those googly purple shades either. For our plan we had devised, I had performed perfectly.

Bravely, she sacrificed myself for her beloved, fighting off the whole battalion of the Red Wings of the Baronian army singlehandedly. That's what went down in the history books. Ask Harley. She was the witness.

In reality, I was lying on the ground, uttering words I don't quite remember.

Q: How did I battle them all at once?

A: That's an easy question. I filled tons of vials of water from the healing springs for both health and magic. It wasn't hard because there were large cauldrons with an indefinite supply in the room where I would be leading the attack. How convenient.

Next, I flung spells at the sky until my voice became hoarse. I really hoped they were hitting the people on that ship. Otherwise, I might be wasting my magic. Whenever I got tired, there was the springwater to fall back on.

They jumped down. It was all creepy. The man in dark armor was a dragoon. He's listed on my client list as Kain. I think the Crystal Authorities meant to put him in the correctional facility because of his compulsive robbery (he stole the Damcyan Crystal).

Golbez swung his magical cape around. My father told me of this dangerous object—capable of making things or people disappear. However, I got a preemptive strike and gave him a taste of Thundara. Nothing happened when he hid behind his cape.

He countered with a Firaga right at my face.

"That was rude," I jabbed touching my burnt face. My husband-to-be wouldn't be happy with this. I drank another vial of spring water and used a Cura to restore my charred features.

Pushing his cape behind his back, he revealed his clunky gold-trimmed black armor. Poor against magic. Good against melee. Great, I thought, conjuring a Thundaja spell while he was distracted mumbling a spell. It was a race of who would release their spell first.

"Listen, Heavy Armor," I yelled at the man. He was so surprised that he had to begin recasting his spell. "I don't know what your business here is, but I suggest you get out. You were cowardly enough to take an airship instead of walking through the desert. That's bad enough. Add to that all the lives of the innocent Damcyan people you put at risk. Don't think you'll get off easy for this, scum."

He ignored me. Ha, my Blizzara came out first, freezing him into a solid block of ice before dissipating.

Cursing, he lost his concentration again. "What?" he asked sharply. "I'm Golbez by the way."

"It looks like you're casting a powerful spell based on how complicated the incantation is," I began. "So I have a question before you try to end my life."

He said nothing.

"Can you at least give me a phoenix down in case I meet my end, Golbez?" I pleaded.

He glared at me for a moment in consideration. Kain was tapping the walls looking for a crystal. A side effect of mind control. You can't do anything on your own. Sighing, Golbez released Kain for a moment so he could finish stealing the crystal.

"And who would administer the phoenix down over your dead body? I'm on my way out and I don't have time for things like that," he stated impatiently. "Ask one of your servants."

"Harley," I called her over. She was hiding behind a column. "Since I will soon be future queen, you will have to comply with my requests. I assign you the task of using this phoenix down on me in case I can't survive his spell."

"Please?" I begged. Though I knew she secretly hated me for being the prince's first love, it would not be hard for her to keep me alive.

"Fine," she responded reaching for the bottle of feathers from Golbez while trying not to touch his cursed gauntlet.

That doesn't look good. I saw Kain holding up the crystal. Meanwhile, Golbez was about to finish his incantation. I gulped.

However, the prince's skills weren't up to par like mine so that annoying green-haired girl saw through his fake tears over my dead body. I was furious, but I had to calm down because I was holding my breath for a really long time. Finally, the not-so-cheerful party made him join and whisked him off on their journey.

My sweet fiancé decided to let me become sort of a career woman (psychoanalyst) instead of marrying him at once. Also, I'm afraid it might have a lot to do with Harley. It was more entertaining than being a sage and I got a lot of rewarding experiences dealing with clients who had near-death experiences.

Now that you have my brief bio, I'm ready for the first appointment.

"Harley, would you mind getting the door?" I asked.

The secretary of Edward was always pretending to be all scholarly and smart. What can you learn from a bard that you can't learn from me? Still offering me a fake grin from seeing me wear my birthday gift from her, she walked over to the door.

Did you find that offensive? Totally unrealistic? Let's just call it abrasive humor with a sprinkle of character bashing and imagination.

Leave a review if you were entertained.

~Reasons of Heart