Author's Corner:

Well, well, wellie, well, well. Apple's going to try out some fluff to take a break from her angst/horror stories and write a little fluff. This is a little One-Shot series called The Adventures of Oyabun and Kobun. So creative am I right.

This series will include fluffily little marshmallow fluff so much fluff you might suffocate in it's fluffiness, just a tiny bit of angst that will make your heart clench a little bit if you are as devoted to this pairing as I am, and SUPER FIRETRUCKING LONG CHAPTERS since I can only have one one-shot at a time c: If you liked the one-shot and want a continuation, feel free to ask!

-Apple signing off~!

Title: My 'Sister' is Actually an Ass-Sucking Boy.

Warnings: Cursing/Mild Violence/Adult Material

PoV- Romano

Mornings. Let me inform you about mornings.

They fucking sucked, that's what they were. They always came too early, (that's NOT what she said, damn it!), they always involved that senseless, dumb, un-witty bastard Spain, (Don't you dare say it, you!), and they were always too bright and blinding! (Ha-ha! Got you there, moron!)

In fact, this morning was all three of those things!

Well, whatever. I'm Romano. Or Lovino Vargas, but you can call me Romano. Not 'Roma' or 'Lovi' or if you have a death wish, 'Lovinito'. If you call me any of that stupid crap I'll shove a tomato so far up your ass you'll see red! If you're a girl, ah… go ahead… only if you're cute though! I can't be seen talking to ugly chicks! I'm physically three years old, but really, I'm about... a really big number that Spain hasn't taught me yet. That's not very old compared to my ungrateful grandpa. He was super, super old! Like Spain, only Spain's weird so he doesn't have lots of scars, although he does have some. I'm currently single, although Spain wants me to marry him, but fuck that, who would want to marry that embarrassing dipshit? Ladies, call me! I gotta get away from Spain and his huge ass house~! Mentally, I'm older than Spain, who is like, a four year old. I'm… say about twenty years old! Spain says I'm a lot younger than that, and I told him he could go to hell.

Alright, now back to the subject on hand.

So it was morning. Like, really early in the morning. We're talking about six thirty, maybe even seven. The sun was bright and fucking shiny, just as happy as the dope at the bottom of my bed, yelling at me to get up.

"Romano, it's already seven! You need to wake up! I'll drag you out if I have to, Roma!" He threatened, nudging my back annoyingly. Jesus Christ sitting on a tomato vine, did the bastard really think he could wake me up this time! Not on my watch! I'm heir to the great, overlooking Kingdom of Naples, bitch! When I'm older like my Grandpa, this bastard will be kissing my feet! …N-Not that I'd like it… Nah, he's way too nasty for that. I'd rather have hot girls like Belgium kissing my feet. I'd be ready then.

Before I knew it, the dense fucker had put his huge ass hands underneath my armpits, dragged me out of my warm, cozy bed, and held me out in front of him.

"Romano! I am appalled by your attitude today!" He exclaimed, shaking me to get me to open my eyes. I did, and when I looked at his face, it looked just as pissy as that one guy… oh what's his name… oh, Holland! Spain looked really mad, and I probably looked the same since I was only wearing a fucking nightshirt that only went to my knees. "Well, I'm glad you've woken up, Sleeping Beauty!" He said harshly, setting me on the floor. "Do you have anything to say, Romano?"

I yawned, rubbing my eyes. "Can I go back to bed?" I asked, stretching out my limbs. Spain reached down and slapped me on the ass, making me yelp and step forward out of impulse. "Fucking piece of shit of a boss!" I wailed, kicking his leg.

"Come on, get dressed. If you're not in your uniform in five minutes, I'm not giving you any tomatoes." He said from above, grabbing the fall uniform I was given when I came here. It was a gown, (not a dress, god dammit. Dresses were for my obnoxious little brother who could go die off in a hole) a deep beige color with red and light yellow checker-stitches on it. Then he gave me my apron, (which by the way; was a fucking hassle to clean with. I wanted to rip the thing apart) which was an off-white color. It had lots of frills and shit, but it was an apron. The apron I had before this monstrosity was the exact same color, just without the frills. Spain keeps telling me that my doubts about Belgium going all out with her sewing machine on the thing aren't true, but in fact the 'apron fairies' did it. I mean, I didn't actually believe in shit like fairies, but after seeing Mr. England in a fairy suit…

I tried to take my time getting dressed, just to see how set off the poor shit-wad would get. Unfortunately, to my disappointment, he just took over dressing me, sighing and muttering shit in Spanish that he was carefully picking from his vocabulary that he hadn't taught me yet. He made sure that everything was spick and span for some reason.

"Why are you in such a fucking rush today, Spain?"

"Your sister and Austria are coming over and I get yelled at by my boss and Austria if you don't look as cute as you can be, Roma." He explained in a hushed tone, pushing my shoulder away from him to tie my apron in the back in a very sharp and tight bow. Sure, it looked nice, but Jesus Christ the thing was about to suffocate me!

"I can feel my ribs cracking, dumbass!"

"Ahaha, sorry!" He laughed, picking up the headscarf and wrapping it around my head, just as tight.

"God damn it, Spain!" I wailed, tugged at the godforsaken headwear. What the fuck? Was he trying to tighten and twist my entire body? I still had muscle (MUSCLE! That chubbiness in my cheeks, ass, and belly were all MUSCLE, fucking assholes!) on me!

"Sorry, Roma… Let me just tie on your ribbon." He held up a dark red ribbon that went with my dre—gown and wrapped it around my neck and under the color. Surprisingly, the bastard didn't choke me to death with it since he knew I always hacked and gagged whenever I had the fucking thing too tight. "Alright, come on, we got ta' feed you." Spain muttered, grabbing my hand and practically running down the stairs.

I was given this blueberry muffin shit even though I was good and told him that I specifically wanted pizza. I ate the thing anyway, and whatever, it was food. I made sure to make Spain miserable while he changed and forced me to watch how a real 'man' was supposed to get dressed. I rolled my eyes the whole time, nibbling on my muffin. I mean seriously, the guy dressed like a hobo, made me dress like a hobo because he was a hobo, and he had the nerve to make me watch? Fucking retarded piss-hole.

The door bell interrupted his speech on how to tuck your pants into your boot legs; something I didn't even need to worry about because for one; I didn't have pants aside from this one tuxedo and one pair of pajamas. Spain wouldn't even let me wear my boots with those outfits, so it didn't matter.

"… We'll talk about this later, Roma. Come on, let's go greet our guests." Spain told me, picking me up without any warning. I screamed in his ear to put me down, and all he did was grin. W-Was I blushing? F-Fucking hell! I hate you, face!

Spain opened the door, setting me on the floor before he clutched my hand tightly, as if not to go run away and hide like I did last time. I hated meeting my brother! He was such a pile of mush! Always getting what he wanted! God, Austria was somewhat of a pussy!

"Ah, Spain. Pleasure to see you again."

"Same, Austria." Spain nodded, looking down at my brother. He smiled brightly, unlike when he saw me just standing there. He laughed, ruffling his hair. "Ah, Feli, dear! How's my favorite little girl?"

"Great, Big Brother Spain! How about my fratello?"

"He's doing great! Hey, Roma, why don't you go play with Feli?"

Feliciano, my brother, was always being mistaken as a girl. He looked almost identically like me, except he never opened his eyes, he never cursed or said anything obnoxious, he was better at me at everything, and when I say everything, I mean everything. He had a lighter hair color than me. Mine was like cherry wood, his was more of… red moss… No, maybe a pumpkin on fire… Either way, it wasn't very cute to me, but obviously not to Spain or that crazy, but kind of cute girl Hungary. My grandpa always told me in my many lessons of charming the girls; never stick your dick in crazy! At least Belgium wasn't crazy. She was cute. Anyway, Feliciano had a higher voice than me. He carried more of the "Oh, I'm just a paperboy at the newspaper's place, aha!" kind of voice. I was told that when I was older, I would sound like a pizza guy. I didn't mind that. Pizza everyday. It was better than lousy blueberry muffins.

I clutched Spain's leg when I looked at my brother. Over the past view months, he had fucking really girled up. His hair was tossed around in his face, a warm smile on his face that quickly vanished when he saw me gripping Stupid Spain's leg. "I don't wanna." I said stubbornly, shoving my face in his boot. Hell, I was only as tall as his knee; I didn't have enough height to do anything else!

"…Aha… Roma, please? Me and Austria need to talk about big-kid stuff, alright?" Spain knelt down to my size and looked me in the eyes, the sight of a pleading man in front of me.

Ah. Fuck me… I ripped my hand away from Spain, smacking my brother in the face in one swift movement, (Sometimes, chorea rocked) and instead of running away like I would have, I was grabbed by the forearm by the idiot.

"Romano!" Spain cried, slapping the top of my head. "That wasn't nice! Apologize right now!"

I looked off to my right, seeing my brother sniffling with girly tears. What a pussy! Raised by a pussy, always a pussy! Antonio waited for a bit, but when I didn't respond, he stood up, keeping a fucking too tight grip on my forearm. He muttered something to Austria, bent down to my size again and muttered the same thing to Feliciano. They nodded, exited the house, and sat down on the porch.

"S-Spain, that hurts, stop it~…" I whined, making my voice sound as miserable as possible. He looked over to me with only disappointment in his eyes. I stood still, blinking back tears of fear. "D-Don't hit me…"

"Oh, I won't hit you. Hitting is wrong, but obviously, that doesn't stop you from doing it! Romano! You hurt Feli! How could you hit a girl? That's not what men do!" He picked me up by the armpits and sat me down on the top of the kitchen table. Ah, god! It's too high up here! Maybe if I edged off… Noo… I'd die and break my skull… "I mean, Romano; you're Italian! Aren't you supposed to love, cherish, and admire women? Obviously enough with Belgium… You just warm up to her like a cat!"

"Don't use Spanish, fucker. My brain hurts, now. Thanks."

"Romano."

I sighed. "You guys are really retarded, aren't you!" I accused. "You don't even listen to me when I say that Feliciano's not a gi-"

"Romano, don't use that language with me. And don't call your sister mean things. Sure, you two might bicker from time to time, but that is not how to treat a lady. We don't hit in this house, have I made myself clear?"

"Sure, Spain, whatever you fucking want. Just hear me out-"

"You don't sound very sure to me, Roma! I hate to do this to my innocent lackey, but if you don't get your act together, I'm not letting you have pasta for a month."

"What?" I cried, tears beginning to prick my vision again. "You can't do that! I won't let you!"

Spain just sighed, (the fucking bastard probably thought we was stronger than me!) set me down on the floor, and grabbed my hand. "Let's go apologize to Miss Feli, alright?" I growled in frustration, feeling my face paint red. "You look like a tomato, Roma! Ahaha~" Fuck red, it was fucking crimson bathing in blood with a red mood light!

"Is Lovino calm yet?" I heard my brother chirp from outside. "I want to play with my brother~!"

"Feli, Roma has something to say to you." Spain announced, nudging me forward to him.

"I don't have jack shit to say to him!"

"Him?"

"Uh-Oh…" Feliciano giggled.

"Him?"

"Yes, you dumb dope! Feliciano's not a girl, he's a boy! I've been trying to tell you all day!" I whined, crossing my arms. "God, you're so dumb!"

"I've been trying to tell you too, Mr. Austria~!" Feliciano grabbed the loose folds of his dress, moving nervously from side to side. (See, he had a dress! He was being mistaken as a girl!) "I guess you never listen to your servants… Ahaha~!"

"… Antonio, if you'll excuse me I need to go shopping."

"Uh… alright…Roddy…"

"Another case solved by Romano! Gahaha!" I grinned cheekily, placing my fists on my hips. Spain picked me up by my armpits, resting me on top of his shoulders. I watched as Austria took a frightening hold on my brother's arm, ran from the house and practically leaped into his carriage of pussiness. Meanwhile, I was on Spain's back, laughing my ass off while Spain just stood there, unable to form words.

Well, I guess I could stay here just a little bit longer.

But ladies, I'm serious. Call me.

Later.

Author's Corner:

Hopefully Apple won't have these very often since she tends to ramble. She's still working on SBaR 6, in fact, it's sitting in a document on her taskbar with 3 motherfucking pages. :c Well, I hope you guys like Yaoi, because that chapter has a lot of it.

This is actually a series of One-Shots, continuations if wanted, updates sporadically. But, Apple will do her best, she supposes.

I should go finish this chapter and reply to that roleplay. :c

-Apple