Revenge on the Fat Kid
I don't own anything
Frog Guts
Ms. Olson's Zoology class was my least favorite class, no questions asked. Blessed with a queasy stomach and a love for animals that overpowered my love for knowledge, the thought of dissecting frogs was never something I looked forward to. I wasn't as bad off as some other members of the class (like my ex boyfriend Stan who immediately dropped the class after learning dissections were a part of the syllabus), but I still had no interest in slicing an animal open and digging through its body to locate its vital organs all for an A.
I actually did a debate on animal dissections in the classroom during my Modern Problems class last year. I was told our points would be taken into account as the school was considering doing away with the zoology requirement for graduation. I think that was all a lie. The debate was against Eric Cartman. My point was very valid. Breeding animals for the sole purpose of dissection is disgusting. Why not capture old frogs from ponds? Let them fight for their life? At least let them live a life?
When it was his turn to rebuttal, Eric simply shut me down by laughing and saying with his annoying grin, "Wendy, they're fucking frogs. They're lucky an alligator isn't ripping them apart."
I like to think that argument wouldn't hold when brought up to the school board, but who really knows in this town...
Anyway, seeing as I lost that debate, here I was in my required-for-graduation end-of-the-year no-one-cares-you-have-senioritis-you-still-have-to-dissect-the-frog Zoology class. Thankfully, I was paired with my best friend, Bebe. Likely she'd just go on about the party Clyde was throwing this weekend. That would at least keep my mind off the smell of formaldehyde.
As Ms. Olson placed the frog between us, Bebe wrinkled her nose.
"Ugh, I didn't realize they smelled so bad!"
I sighed, picking the dead frog up and bringing it closer to myself so I could at least get started on the project.
"They have to use that chemical to keep the insides from rotting out."
"Sick."
I chortled as I made the first incision in the frog's stomach. "What organ do we have to hunt down first?"
She released the lock of curly blonde hair she'd been playing with and glanced at me with her big doughy blue eyes. God, she was so good at looking like a total moron.
"Um it says on this sheet that we need to find the lungs first."
"Cool" I sighed in my last breath of oxygen as I ripped the flaps of the frog stomach open and dug in.
We managed to find all the required organs within twenty minutes. The rest of the class (which was mostly comprised of guys) were too busy playing with frog eyeballs and tongues to concentrate on the project.
"So, anyway, I'm thinking should I show up to the party with Token if I want to hook up with Clyde? Or should I just come solo? Because, like, I don't want him to be too jealous, but I don't want him to think that I'm so interested in him that I'd show up to his party all by myself, you know?"
The formaldehyde must have been getting to me. Typically, I can handle Bebe's valley girl-esque rants, but today it felt like she was just speaking gibberish. I opened my mouth to respond, but she took it upon herself to fill the air with more of her babbling.
"I just really want him to think that I'm like strong and independent, so that's why I'd want to show up alone, obvs. But I don't want him to think I'm a slut who would show up with someone else at a party and still suck his dick after I ditch my date."
"Haven't you known this kid since you were like seven, Bebe? Why are you so concerned with what he thinks of you? He's already got a decent impression over the past ten years, I'm sure."
She sighed. "Wendy, I really like Clyde."
I threw my hands in the air. "This literally started this morning when you saw he was wearing a polo instead of his typical graphic tee." Clyde had overnight decided to switch from "ironic graphic tee" guy to "nice clean shaven stud" which I guess was all it took to get Bebe's panties in a bunch.
"Yeah, but Craig just looks so much better without a beard..." she twirled her hair around her finger again and glanced at another table's dismembered and mutilated frog corpse.
"Clyde."
"What?"
"You just called him Craig! See, this is what I'm talking about! Your eyes move faster than your brain can even keep up."
Bebe sighed. "Wendy, you just don't get it. You've been single for too long. Really, ever since Stan turned gay you've been such a debbie downer about love in general. It's very depressing."
"Stan didn't turn gay. He was always gay."
She raised her eyebrows. "Kyle made him gay."
Stan and I had broken up our freshman year. It was a pretty clean break-up seeing as someone saying "I'm interested in the genitalia that you don't possess" doesn't leave much to be cleaned up and explained. Stan loved Kyle, and while it did break my heart to lose him, I understood and was happy that he found someone he loved. Bebe held more resentment toward Kyle over the whole ordeal than I did, I think because somehow it made her look bad to be best friends with a girl who couldn't continue to convince her gay boyfriend that he was straight.
It wasn't really worth the argument though. I just shrugged, My head was spinning from the smell all over the classroom.
Just as I felt myself start to tune out, I saw something... brown? heading for our table. As if in slow motion, I watched Bebe open her mouth to speak some more, but was quickly silenced as this unidentified object splatted onto the top of her head.
Her face twisted before she let out an ear-piercing shriek that still made me cover my ears even though I knew it was coming better than anyone.
"Ew ew ew Wendy what is it? Check! It's in my hair. Oh my God I can feel it everywhere. It's so gross! What is it? Who did it?" A million questions a minute and all I could do is stand up to look in her hair and disconnect the frog intestines from the lock they'd entangled themselves in.
"You don't want to know what it is." I giggled, dangling them in front of her face.
She shrieked again. "Wendy this isn't funny!" With a forceful push, she stood and shoved her chair behind her in the process, addressing the entire class as she spoke. "Who threw this shit at me?!"
Ms. Olson, just becoming aware of the drama stood from her chair nearly a mile away at the front of the classroom. "Ms Stevens, what's the problem?"
"Someone threw frog guts in my hair!" She shouted while the class erupted in laughter. We both glanced around the room, hoping for a hint of who the culprit was. My eyes narrowed as I spotted him.
Eric Cartman was the only one still enjoying the joke after the roar of the classroom's laughter had died down.
"You!" Bebe shouted, pointing at him after noticing the same hint I did.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Bebe. I just thought maybe Token would appreciate a new look for you this weekend. Oops, I mean Craig. Oh! Wait, Clyde. That's right!" He spoke, wiping tears from his eyes.
Bebe stared angrily at him, but instead of retaliating ran for the bathroom. I stood to follow her.
"You're such a fucking asshole!" I shouted at Eric as I passed him by.
"Shut up, ho!" I heard him say after I left the room.
In the bathroom, Bebe was standing at the sink washing her whole head with hand soap.
"Wends, will you do me a huge favor and get some conditioner out of my locker?"
I laughed. "You keep that here?"
She shrugged. "Well you never know..." She paused and looked up at herself in the mirror. Her mascara had dripped all down her face. She shook her head in disappointment. "That little fucker is going to get it..." She muttered to herself. "I swear he's a child! Someone needs to teach him a lesson..."
I didn't know if she was talking to me or just her reflection, but monologue or not it was terrifying.
"You're seriously going to get revenge on him for throwing frog guts in your hair?"
She slammed her hand on the sink. "It's not just this!" She gestured to her mess of hair. "It's everything! He's just such a little prick and he needs to be put in his place. He's the only person in this school who still acts like a ten year old. You know why? Because he's never been laid..."
Oh God...
"Bebe, please don't have sex with Cartman." I sighed thinking those words would never leave my mouth.
She laughed and turned back to her reflection. "Oh, don't worry about that. I'm not going to sleep with that fat turd. I'm going to seduce him, make him fall head over heels for me... and then, I'm going to crush him! I'm going to destroy him!"
"Bebe he ground a kid's parents up into chili and fed them to him once because he wouldn't refund his money on pubes... I think you're biting off more than you can chew here. I'd hate to think what he'd do to someone that broke his heart."
"Well he didn't retaliate after you beat the shit out of him in fourth grade."
That's true... why?
"So, maybe he doesn't feel a need to retaliate against girls."
I rolled my eyes. "That really doesn't make any sense."
"Yes it does! If he's a ten year old on the inside, then throwing frog guts in my hair and teasing you about breast cancer awareness is his version of flirting... and that means he likes us. That gives me power and I'm going to take it."
"Well, what's the plan then?"
Bebe snapped her fingers. "It's beautiful. You'll be so proud. I'm going to seduce him at the party. Kenny already invited him and I'm sure he'll come anywhere there's free pot and booze. So, while there, I'm just going to flirt it up with him. I'll wear something low-cut and do everything but the deed with him."
Somehow the thought of Bebe and Cartman made me cringe. I didn't like this at all and I couldn't even begin to think of why. Sure I hated Eric as much as the next person, but his pranks on me always seemed so much more harmless. This was going to blow up in her face. I just knew it.
"Maybe we'll date for a week. Then, I announce in front of the entire school at lunch that I was just playing him and then he'll just be heartbroken and ashamed! Oh it will be so glorious!"
"What if he doesn't talk to you at the party? I mean wouldn't he think you were mad about the whole frog guts thing and avoid you?"
"Not if I pretend to be super drunk... then he'd think I was just totally over it."
"Sounds like a solid plan." I muttered sarcastically. "I'll go get your conditioner..."