AN: I had this story idea a little while back, and then found the perfect title. The End is Where We Begin. It's actually the album title for Thousand Foot Krutch's new cd, so I can't take credit for coming up with that. And then I heard the title track of that album, and I HAD to use some lyrics because they are practically PERFECT for our favorite crime-fighting duo. So, credit for the story title and the lyrics at the beginning goes to TFK. Go check them out, awesome band. Anyways, this story takes place directly after The Limey, with potential spoilers for anything through that episode. Hope you all like it. :)
The end is where we begin,
it's crawling back, when, we run away run away
'cuz the end is where we begin,
where broken hearts, mend, and start to beat again,
the end is where we begin.
Richard Castle regrets the words almost as soon as they leave his mouth. Sure, Jacinda is fun, and uncomplicated. And he has been enjoying spending time with her. Kinda. She might be fun and uncomplicated, but she's also a little on the, *ahem*, ditzy side. He can't really talk to her about anything real, anything past knee deep. And here he is, headed down to meet her again, probably to go have a drink and a lively debate about the pros and cons of owning a labradoodle. Crap, he's not in the mood for this, especially since he can't get that look on Kate's face out of his mind. He really shouldn't have said that. It was a low blow, and as angry at her as he is, deep down he really doesn't want to hurt her.
Castle exits the precinct and scans the street, looking for his car. He spots it across the street, half a block or so away. Jacinda is talking to a uniform, apparently trying to charm her way out of a parking ticket. Castle rolls his eyes, a gesture he picked up from HER, and makes his way down the sidewalk.
"Oh, there he is. Ricky, tell this nice officer that you work with the police…"
"Hey, Castle," the officer interrupts, reaching out his hand.
"Hey, Carl. How's the wife?"
"Good as she can be, I guess. Ready to have that baby, already. Hey, sorry for the inconvenience, I was just telling Jacinda here that she shouldn't park here. But I'll let it slide, this time. See ya around, Ricky," Carl smirks, turning around to head towards the precinct. Castle groans inwardly. He's probably going to be hearing "Ricky" from all the unis at crime scenes for the next month. He leans against the car, trying to think of a way out of this date.
"Ready to go, Ricky? I have to leave at midnight for the red eye to Las Vegas, but I do have my hotel room for the evening…" she trails off, winking and running her finger down his chest. He's about to suggest that they just go to the Haunt for a drink when he notices Mr. Scotland Yard exiting the precinct, phone held to his ear. Hunt hails a cab, opens the door, but doesn't get in. He leans in to tell the cabby something, and as Castle watches, Kate walks up beside Hunt, touches his arm, and gets in the cab. Hunt gets in after her, and they take off. Well, if he ever needed proof that his feeling weren't reciprocated….
"You know what, Jace? I have a better idea."
XXXXXXXXXX
Kate sits in the cab with Hunt, and he can't help but notice when she spots Castle and the blonde, how she tries to mask the flash of pain with an eye-roll. "Trouble with Castle?" he asks, curiosity getting the better of him.
"Is it that obvious?" she replies with a wince. He gives her an "are you kidding me?" look.
"A blind man could see it. I've been watching you give each other these pained looks for the last three days. Doesn't take a genius to figure out something's up, even if that genius doesn't know you well." Kate bites her lip, turns away to watch the sidewalks bustling with pedestrians all on their way somewhere, unaware that the world was turning upside down. "If you don't want to talk about it, I'll drop it. Just thought hey, I'm a guy. He's a guy. Maybe I could give a little perspective." Hunt presses, not wanting to pry but feeling an urge to help if he can. Damsel in distress, and all that.
"No, it's not that. I just, I want to wait until we get where we're going. It's kind of a long story. You sure you wanna hear the whole thing?" Kate turns to meet his eyes, trying to determine if he really wanted to help or if he was just trying to pick her up.
"I'm not in the habit of making offers I don't mean, or hitting on a woman who so obviously wants someone else," Hunt raises an eyebrow at her. Kate looked down at her lap, blushing slightly. Oops… Caught. He's a little too intuitive, apparently. Lucky for her, the cabby chose that moment to pull over at their destination.
They end up in the corner booth of the dark bar, the perfect spot for a lengthy private conversation. Kate gave Hunt the slightly abridged version of the story, starting at the beginning and ending with the recent behavior change. A little surprised at herself for telling him all she had, she sits and watches him digest it all. It's so much easier, spilling her guts to a stranger, but man, he must think she's so messed up.
"So, he loves you, and you know this, but he doesn't know you know? And you love him back, but are too scared to tell him. When, again, did this 'jackass' behavior start?"
"Um, about two weeks ago? During the bombing case. That's part of what confuses me. It was that case that finally gave me the push to tell him, but then he starts with these cold looks, starts blowing me off," Kate stares at her hands, picks at a hangnail.
"So think back. When, exactly, did you first notice the change?" Hunt asks. Kate closes her eyes, tips her head back in thought. Suddenly her head snaps down, wide eyes meeting his.
"It was after I had interrogated our first suspect. I came out, found a coffee on my desk, but Castle was gone. When he came back, he was different. But, why? What could have happened while he was out that…" she trails off, replays the day in her mind. "Oh…" her hand drifts up to cover her mouth. "NOT while he was out. Damnit. He heard me. He had to have heard me. What else could it be?"
"Heard you what, Kate? What did he hear?" Hunt interrupts, leaning forward to get her attention.
"He knows. He knows I know. He heard me tell Bobby that I remembered my shooting. Every second of it. Damnit! That wasn't how… Sorry, Colin, I've got to go! I need to explain…" She gets up, grabs her coat, in too much of a hurry to bother putting it on.
"Go, Kate. Fight for him. Call me if you need some sense knocked into him, ok?" Kate stops, touches his arm briefly.
"Thanks, Colin. I owe you one," she replies, giving him a quick peck on the cheek before turning and running out to get a cab.
"No problem, Kate. It's always my pleasure to send beautiful women running into another mans arms…" Colin mumbles to the empty booth in front of him. Oh, well. His flight leaves in a couple hours, anyway. He flags down the waiter for one last drink before heading home.
XXXXXXXXXX
Castle sits in his office chair, chin resting on his right fist, the fingers of his left hand tapping arrhythmically on the desk. How did everything get so messed up? His "better idea" to bring Jacinda back to the loft had backfired royally. It started out fine, although she got a little handsy in the elevator. He wasn't ready for that, not yet. He needed a little buzz going before he would be able to take her to bed without imagining she was someone else. Someone taller, with darker hair. So when they got here, he instructed her to sit on a bar stool while he went and raided the alcohol cabinet he kept locked up in the office, away from his mother.
Only, she didn't stay put. Jacinda followed him in and practically attacked him, threw herself on him so they lost their balance, stumbled into the desk. With her latched onto his neck, he fell backwards on to the desk, hands behind him to make sure they didn't go down. His left hand came down on the remote to the smartboard, lighting it up.
Seeing the picture of Kate in the middle of it, Castle was jolted back into reality. Any flicker of desire (what little there was) fizzled out, and he deflated, pulling away from Jacinda. She turned and saw what had captured his attention, and stiffened. Her tirade that followed was a little bit of a blur to Castle; he wasn't really paying attention. Something about "flaunting his rebound girl" and "jackass" with a few more four letter words thrown in. He only broke out of his haze at the sound of the door slamming.
That was an hour ago, and he hasn't moved from his chair since he plopped into it after Jacinda was gone. As he sits there, he takes the time to think, and really *analyze* the situation, something he's been too busy acting like a jerk to do. One of the first realizations that dawn on him is the he's no better than she is. Yeah, she was keeping a secret, but he has one too. He's been digging into her mothers case. Without her knowledge. In Kate's book, that's a pretty heavy betrayal.
And then, as he went through the arguments for *why* he kept it from her, another thing popped into his mind. He had assumed her silence meant she didn't return his feelings. But what if she had other reasons? As he thinks back over the months since he returned to the precinct, he tries to remember how she was. The more he remembers, all the glances and finger brushes and bright, wide smiles, he decides there's no way he imagined ALL of that. What if…? What if she DID return his feelings, but wasn't ready to deal with them yet? He thought recently that he must have misunderstood that conversation on the swings. But if he didn't? It's almost too painful to consider.
And he has been such a complete jerk to her for the last two weeks! She must think the worst of him right now. And oh, she had seemed so… hesitant, almost vulnerable, back during that bombing case. Almost like she… Oh, crap. She was going to make a move, wasn't she? And he ruined it, blew her off. How did he screw this up so badly?
Castle stands up, paces the office. He's gotta do something. He's gotta come clean. She deserves that much, even if it means the end of them. That thought sends an arrow of pain through his chest. But he's resolved, now. He has to tell her. He picks up his phone, types out a text and hits send before he can change his mind.
-Can you come to the loft? We need to talk. Please…- His phone chimes with a response faster than he expects.
-I'm on my way up. Go open the door-
AN: Reviews might just make my day... Lemme know what you think?