AN: Okay, this is the first fic that I have decided to upload, and for some reason I'm pretty nervous about what everyone thinks. I've never shared my work before so please be nice! I apologise for any mistakes, the idea hit right as I was about to go to sleep, so I stayed up till about 4 writing it. When I finally fell asleep last night I owned Greys, it was amazing! Sadly since waking up this morning I own nothing.
Anyway, without further ado...
Crashing through the Door Arizona pulled it closed behind her, feeling her insides shatter as it slammed then rattled on its hinges. Rushing to her sofa she collapsed down onto the familiar cushions and succumbed to the tears had been threatening the overwhelm her since she had called time of death and ran from the OR earlier that day; and now as the sobs took over, she thought of her, the beautiful brown eyes staring up at her as she lay on the table, staring up at her full of trust, full of admiration. She was four years old, and with that thought a fresh wave of nausea hit. Loosing patients was never easy, but this was one of the few cases that had Arizona fearing she'd never get over it, feeling the tiny heart stutter then stop beating in her hands, refusing to continue, too tired after fourteen previous major surgeries to carry on the fight for life.
Right now nothing mattered, not that she was so thirsty after the ten hour surgery that her throat burned, not that her belt buckle pressed uncomfortably into her stomach as she lay face down on her sofa, not that Callie would be arriving at her apartment around about now and wondering where the hell she was. All that mattered in this moment, was the tiny life Arizona had watched slip into extinction today, the tiny coffin she knew they'd place her in, with the tiny toy giraffe she had taken everywhere with her. Sobbing hard into the pillows Arizona tried to regain control; this wasn't why she had become a paediatrician, why she'd struggled through years of med school then internship. Seeing her body lying there, her organs exposed, connected to the various wires and tubes, lifeless, was not part of the reason Arizona Robbins decided to practice medicine. Lying in the dark she tried desperately to remove the image of the lifeless little girl that seemed to be seared onto the inside of her eyelids to no avail.
Stepping into her apartment, takeout in hand Callie Torres stopped abruptly puzzled by the silence. Normally if Arizona beat her home, which judging by her empty locker at the hospital she should have, music would be playing, or at least the TV would be on, or the shower running, but tonight nothing.
"Ari?" she called confused, "You home?"
Dropping the takeout where she stood she ventured into the kitchen then her bedroom, not finding Arizona anywhere, concerned she tried her cell. She ran a hand through her long dark hair, frustrated as it rung out then went to her mailbox. Slamming her finger onto the end button, she redialled the only other person she could think of who might know where Arizona could be.
"Yeah Bailey, it's Torres, I know it's late, I'm sorry to call, just wondered if you've seen Arizona this evening?"
Callie's heart dropped as Bailey filled her in on the afternoons events, only imagining how bad her girlfriend must be feeling,
"Oh crap I had no idea, I will, thanks Bailey, Night" she snapped her phone shut, and leaving the now cold food where it sat stepped back out of her door and ran to her car.
As she knocked tentatively on the door of the apartment Callie called gently through the hard wood, "Arizona...Ari...You in there?" Hearing a voice and rapping at her door, Arizona stopped crying, keeping her face pressed into the soft material of her sofa, too numb to move, to think.
"Arizona I know you're in there, open up, please" Callie persisted, "You're in there, alone hurting, which means I'm out here, alone, hurting...baby please."
Hearing the desperation in her voice Arizona used the last of her strength to lift her head, brushing her blonde curls back behind her ears, from where they had been stuck to the side of her wet face. Barely making it to her feet she stumbled across the short space of her living room and pulled open the door. Callie's heart almost broke as she took in the sight of her beautiful girlfriend's face tearstained, her eyes red and sore with her hair raked back across her pale skin, as she just stood there staring, leaning against the door for support. Unsure of how to proceed Callie reached forward snaking her arm around Arizona's waist and half dragged half carried her back to the sofa, where they sat down. Neither of them spoke, Arizona stared down at her carpet; Callie stared at her face, hating to see all of her usual cheer and perkiness crushed.
"Bailey told me" she broke the silence, the blonde remained motionless, staring, uncomfortable. Callie continued, "Ari it wasn't your fault" she started,
"She trusted me Calliope!" Arizona suddenly spoke up, her tone venomous, her eyes breaking again into pools of despair as blue as the sky and as deep as the ocean.
"She lay down on my table, let me knock her unconscious and cut into her for the fifteenth, the fifteenth time. It would be her fifth birthday in three weeks, and all she wanted was to go to Florida" on the last word her voice broke and fresh hot tears sprang into her eyes quickly escaping and sliding down her cheeks. Catching a tear as she reached up to brush the her hair from her eyes, Callie grabbed her girlfriends face between her hands forcing her to look at her.
"Arizona, you did everything you could, you fought in there for three hours before you called it, you tried everything" she paused looking deep into the beautiful eyes that had held her captive since day one, wondering if she was listening any of this, "Arizona this is not your fault" she repeated, hoping to high hell she heard her.
They sat there for a few seconds like that, Arizona's face in Callie's hand, as she stroked her cheeks with her thumbs, missing the dimples she knew were hidden underneath her frown. Finally Arizona broke the silence,
"I know that it wasn't my fault Calliope, her heart failed, I couldn't save her" she paused and took a deep shaky breath, fighting to keep the flood that was threatening to well up in her eyes again down.
"I didn't sign up for this" she burst out all at once, leaning forward and burying her head in Callie's warm chest as she gave way again to her tears. Holding her close as the sobs wracked through her small frame, Callie waiting patiently until she caught enough breath to continue,
"We took an oath Calliope, to preserve life, and lately I haven't been able to do that" lifting her head to face her girlfriend, Arizona sat upright.
"I didn't sign up for this, all the death, the loosing..." her breath caught in her throat, "The tiny coffins". As she crumpled forward again Callie wrapped her arms tightly around her shoulders and kissed her hair until the sobs subsided. Feeling a movement in the dark as Arizona lifted her head and gulped down some air, Callie wrapped her arms firmly around her waist and pulled her onto her lap, letting her rest her head on her shoulder.
"Now you listen to me Arizona Robbins, and you listen good" she began, trying to keep the fear out of her voice, motivational talks were not really her thing, they were Arizona's...The good man in the storm speech, the army is awesome speech, the you're parents will come round speech. Drawing in a deep breath Callie realised that for the first time Arizona needed her, and not the other way round. She could not mess this up.
"Nobody signs up for this Ari" she said leaning her forehead against the blonde's, "They don't prepare you for this part in med school, sure you can perform cannulations and veno punctures, but this is the part they don't teach you to deal with. You are an amazing surgeon, and like all surgeons you've lost patients, and there have been... tiny coffins" feeling Arizona's body stiffen under her arms she pressed on,
"But, for every tiny coffin there has been, there has been twenty...heck, fifty tiny coffins that have been avoided because of you, because you go in that OR and you fight, you fight for those kids, for their families, because you believe miracles can happen, and you make them happen." Arizona's arms slid around Callie's neck and she buried her face in her shoulder,
"You're amazing Ari, and yeah we took an oath, and we can't always keep it, but you, you more than anyone try, you try your heart out for those kids, and because of that you give so many of them back to their families, not in a tiny coffin; and that...That is what matters".
They had been sitting in silence for a few minutes; Arizona felt the tears drying on her face, leaving a sticky residue across her skin, enjoying the warmth of Callie's embrace as she rocked her slightly, her lips on her hair.
"Thank you" she whispered, pulling back and looking into the chocolate eyes she loved, as the moon crept in through her lounge window, illuminating them in the dark of the night.
"You're welcome" Callie smiled planting a gentle kiss on her cheek. Letting out a huge sigh Arizona stretched out her aching neck, feeling better for having cried it out, but extremely groggy from all of said crying.
"Wanna take a shower?" Callie enquired, holding her girlfriend even closer her eyes full of concern. Nodding Arizona clung to her as she lifted her and carried her through to the bathroom, flipping on the lights as she went.
Once the shower was running, and the room rapidly filling with warm steam, Callie turned her attention to the blonde, who stood against the bathroom door; helping her out of her clothes and pulling her into the shower, letting the hot water run over both their bodies, washing away the troubles of the day. After washing Arizona's and her own hair Callie spun her around so her back was facing her, then reaching up began to work on her tense shoulders, her fingers sliding over her wet skin, working her tight muscles, kneading out all the knots and stresses. Half an hour later, both relaxed and relatively dry they climbed into bed, Arizona pulling on her favourite sleepwear, one of Callie's big old baggy t-shirts. Seeing the peds surgeon in her shirt Callie smiled and reaching over pulled her under the covers and held her body close to her own, kissing her temple lightly. Arizona reached up and brushed a lock of dark hair behind Callie's ear. Today for the first time, she had needed Callie, and sure enough chasing away all of her former fears, Callie had been there for her.
"I love you" she whispered into the darkness. For a few moments they both remained silent. Beginning to worry Arizona began to open her mouth to speak when she felt Callie's lips press ever so gently against her own, in a kiss that said more than words ever could, a kiss of complete and utter devotion and love.
"I love you too Ari" the Latino whispered back, holding her girlfriend in her arms as they both fell into a deep exhausted sleep.