Sir Dwain and the Lavender Knight
***a tale told by Alexandra (normal) and Sasha (Italic)***
We begin our tale in the great court of King Arthur, in some circles known as the Regal Beagle Man (RBM). One youngster of this court, a certain Dwain Dwainson, was a very uppity lad. Instead of questing for the holy grail like all of his other friends in the happy town of Camelot, Dwain preferred to sit in his room and devise beautiful song lyrics for his lyre. Unfortunately, opinion was divided as to his musical vision.
Now, to better understand our young hero, a little must be told about the life he lived. The town of Camelot was constantly plagued by a terrible Knight, the Lavender Knight. This knight struck fear in everyone's heart. He had the putrid smell of Herbal Essences shampoo and rode a Tickle-me-Pink steed.
Dwain was a knight of the Slightly-Ovular Table, famous for its wonderful leader, the Regal Beagle Man, as well as being famous for the excellent pastries prepared by Sir Fouffie, a knighted French chef. Alas, when everyone left to go in search of the Holy Grail, Dwain was left behind, hunting quail.
One day, the Lavender knight came to Camelot. The horrible smell of lavender overtook the villagers and led to many a fainting fit. What sort of man was this, who bathed more than once a year, nay, a month?!
And so, this well-bathed man in his spandex lavender cat suit and feather boa, sashayed into the halls of Camelot asking all who dared to a challenge. The challenge was that any man who dared would be given a chance to cut off his head. The Knight's , not their own, that is. If he lived, the Lavender Knight would meet this unfortunate man in a years time and in turn have a chance at cutting off his head. Sounds like a good deal, eh?
But it was not a good deal. Lavender Knight: " Like, whoever wishes to accept my challenge, step forward."
Just then, young Sir Dwain was rushing down the stairs on his way to a Ofglenwick Trek Club (The Arthurian equivalent of Star Trek Club) meeting. Yes, he was an Arthurian nerd. Unfortunately, he had not tied his boots. And so he tumbled down and as if on cue fell right at the feet of the Lavender Knight.
Sir Dwain looked up at the looming figure. "Of course," he thought to himself, "this could be because I am sprawled on the ground in front of him. Let me get up." So he did. But the figure was still looming. "Shite," thought Sir Dwain.
"Aha!" boomed the Lavender horror. "Here is a man who will take me up on my challenge!"
"I never said that," moaned Sir Dwain. Then he looked at his Official Slightly-Ovular Table Badge, which stated in fluorescent letters, "I Am Ready to Take Up Any Man's Challenge!"
"I knew being a knight would have serious repercussions on my health.. I never wanted to do this anyway... I wanted to be..."
But the wimpy and cowardly knight was snapped out of his daydreams of chopping down trees by the Lavender Knight, who slapped his face with a pink glove and shouted, "En Garde!"
"Um...alright." said Dwain half-heartedly as he went over and took the axe offered him.
The Lavender Knight knelt down and then got up. "Hold on a sec, I just need to put on this ascot I got at Lord & Taylor last week. Then my stereo typically flamboyant homosexual motif will be complete."
"Um....can't we settle this over a cup of tea? Or, um, ..orange juice! I..." Dwain trailed off pointlessly. He then picked up the axe, having no other choice and balanced himself for giving the blow. But just then, one of RBM's pet beagles, Snuffles, ran by, tripping poor Dwain.
In tripping Sir Dwain, the beagle made him prematurely drop the axe. Luckily, it consequently cut off the Lavender Knight's head. Snuffles sat by and waited to receive a dog treat as a reward for bettering all of humanity. No one noticed because they were all staring at the now headless knight. Thus, poor Snuffles had to settle for one of Sir Fouffie's pastries.
"Ew..." Silence. All in the room were too astonished to speak.
"Ew...he's like a chicken with its head cut off! He's still moving, that is so freeaky! Oh, er...I think I'm gonna throw up.." Well, not everyone.
After a brief astonished pause, Sir Dwain collected himself. "Yay, I finally got the Sir Dwain action figure and trading card!"
Then, just as he was going to revel in his complete collections of Knights of the Slightly Ovular Table Trading Cards and Action Figures, the decapitated body rose and picked the Lavender Knight's head up. Dwain shrieked like a girl and fainted. The Lavender knight affixed his head on his body, tying it down with the ascot from Lord & Taylor, and patiently waited for Sir Dwain to revive.
Sir Dwain was revived after Ferdinand the Beagle licked his face for 20 minutes. It was a good thing too because the Lavender Knight was getting impatient. After all, there's only so much time a man can stand being in a cat suit. So, as Dwain was getting up and brushing himself off, the LK explained to him that to fulfill the challenge he must search the land and meet him in 3 years time.
"So, see you soon. Har har har har!!" And with that he vanished in a puff of lavender smoke.
Dwain was indeed saddened by this news. Tears came to his eyes, but then he realised this was because of the lavender smoke, which smelled exactly like J.Lo perfume. He brushed it away, then walked home, crying the whole time, because when the Lavender Knight had poofed away, he had taken with him his trading card, action figure, and Curtis, his favorite beagle. He would miss Curtis...
Then, halfway down the road, he came to realise that pretty soon, he would have to go and meet the LK in battle, and most likely die. He stopped feeling sorry for Curtis and started feeling sorry for himself.
When he came home, his mother saw his tear-stained face and asked him what had happened.
"Nothing..." sniffled Dwain. "Some guy in a catsuit threw off my groooooove."
And so, after packing some clothes and extra underwear he set off on his quest to find a way to defeat the LK. Also, he set out on this quest to become a man and to reach self actualization, whatever that meant. But whatever it meant, he would not go alone. Karl, his second favorite Beagle was to accompany him.
No one really missed him when he left. In fact they were clapping. King Arthur himself was giving him a standing ovation. For weeks he traveled and got nowhere. Then he got lost. And then he found his way again. Things were hard for poor Sir Dwain and his Beagle squire.
At one point, he ran out of his supplies of Sir Fouffie's pastries and ended up having to eat Karl. And so, now, we find our hero lost in a place called Flanders where the peoples are kind but they speak some sort of Swedish dialect that he didn't really understand.
Dwain walked over to the nearest villager and asked him how to find the Lavender Knight.
"Dur est und knackwurst."
Dwain had never been called a sausage before, although he had been called many other things. His loneliness and misery overtook him. He began his trudge out of Flanders, with a new companion, the man who had called him a sausage. His name was Hans, and he was a medieval Norse dentist. His hobbies included pulling teeth and petting moose(s?).
Dwain and Hans were a long time on the road, headed for the Lavender Chapel, a lavishly decorated palace of perfume and fruitiness, where Dwain was supposed to meet the LK for his battle. Shortly before reaching the Lavender Chapel, however, they encountered a rich nobleman, who offered them a place to stay, in his castle, before meeting with the perfumed terror.
Dwain wasn't too thrilled with the idea but having eaten nothing but roast Beagle, Beagle on toast, Beagle sausage, and Beagle Burger for so long, the idea of eating at a feast sounded very appealing. Hans was dying of joy. All he could say was "Knackwurst! Ya, duy est und knackwurst!". Both were given two luxurious rooms to stay in. Everyone was very nice to him The rich nobleman's wife was very friendly. Maybe a little too friendly.
Dwain was beginning to get quite confused as to whether it was hospitality that made that woman appear to him one night in kinky lingerie and strip tease for him. He wanted to say something but he was afraid that it would be rude to interrupt. Maybe it was some sort of cultural thing. But finally, one night, after the incident with the moose and the corset and the whip and the chocolate cake and the orgy, Dwain decided that enough was enough.
Dwain woke up the morning after "the incident", stark naked, next to another naked man, with a traffic cone between them. As soon as he had gotten some clothes on and convinced himself that the memories popping into his head of the night before were just a dream, he headed downstairs where the slutty host's wife, called Candi, was waiting for him.
After stuffing himself with croissants, Dwain waited for the opportune moment to yell at her for her very naughty behavior.
"Ok, um...Ma'am. Listen, canyoutonedownyourweirdbehaviorcauseitsreallyfreakingme out.Imean,thethingwiththewhippedcreamandthehottubwasfunandallbutthethingisyo ur marriedandIthinkitbestforyoutoendthisvendettaandpossiblygobacktoyourhusband. Maybe marriagecounselingmaybequiteuseful.IknewthisguybackinCamelot,FinnMaCool,hehe lpedout withArthur'smarriageproblemsandall,youknow withGuinevere,godthatwomanwasaslut.Well,goodbye." After saying this all in one breath really fast, Sir Dwain promptly left the room. But not without stuffing a few croissants in his pockets.
Candi was disheartened by this speech. Surely the hot tub full of whipped cream would make any man putty in her hands. Perhaps he was a eunuch?, she wondered. At that moment her husband, Lord Oblivius, came into the room.
"Our guest is such a nice person, don't you think so, dear?"
"Oh, he is quite... niice."
Candi then came to realise that her husband lived up to his name, since he had only last night walked in on the orgy, and calmly walked away, mumbling something about his fuzzy bunny slippers. He made no comment on last night's incidents now, so she decided to make her move. Arming herself with a bucket of croissants and the tightest corset in her girdle drawer, she made her way to Dwain's room.
Disappointingly, all she found was Hans who was twiddling his thumbs and looking at the sky. Candi, knowing his fondness for sausages, offered to blow his sausage for a small fee. But Hans didn't seem to understand a word she said. They even referred to a Swiss-English phrase book taken from Lord Oblivius's library.
"Want to come back to my place? Bouncy Bouncy? My nipples explode with delight."
After hearing this, Candi left the room and resolved in her head to go live in a nunnery. Meanwhile, Sir Dwain looked at his pocket calendar. He promptly passed out. He had only 48 hours until he had to reencounter the dreaded Lavender Knight.
We begin our tale in the great court of King Arthur, in some circles known as the Regal Beagle Man (RBM). One youngster of this court, a certain Dwain Dwainson, was a very uppity lad. Instead of questing for the holy grail like all of his other friends in the happy town of Camelot, Dwain preferred to sit in his room and devise beautiful song lyrics for his lyre. Unfortunately, opinion was divided as to his musical vision.
Now, to better understand our young hero, a little must be told about the life he lived. The town of Camelot was constantly plagued by a terrible Knight, the Lavender Knight. This knight struck fear in everyone's heart. He had the putrid smell of Herbal Essences shampoo and rode a Tickle-me-Pink steed.
Dwain was a knight of the Slightly-Ovular Table, famous for its wonderful leader, the Regal Beagle Man, as well as being famous for the excellent pastries prepared by Sir Fouffie, a knighted French chef. Alas, when everyone left to go in search of the Holy Grail, Dwain was left behind, hunting quail.
One day, the Lavender knight came to Camelot. The horrible smell of lavender overtook the villagers and led to many a fainting fit. What sort of man was this, who bathed more than once a year, nay, a month?!
And so, this well-bathed man in his spandex lavender cat suit and feather boa, sashayed into the halls of Camelot asking all who dared to a challenge. The challenge was that any man who dared would be given a chance to cut off his head. The Knight's , not their own, that is. If he lived, the Lavender Knight would meet this unfortunate man in a years time and in turn have a chance at cutting off his head. Sounds like a good deal, eh?
But it was not a good deal. Lavender Knight: " Like, whoever wishes to accept my challenge, step forward."
Just then, young Sir Dwain was rushing down the stairs on his way to a Ofglenwick Trek Club (The Arthurian equivalent of Star Trek Club) meeting. Yes, he was an Arthurian nerd. Unfortunately, he had not tied his boots. And so he tumbled down and as if on cue fell right at the feet of the Lavender Knight.
Sir Dwain looked up at the looming figure. "Of course," he thought to himself, "this could be because I am sprawled on the ground in front of him. Let me get up." So he did. But the figure was still looming. "Shite," thought Sir Dwain.
"Aha!" boomed the Lavender horror. "Here is a man who will take me up on my challenge!"
"I never said that," moaned Sir Dwain. Then he looked at his Official Slightly-Ovular Table Badge, which stated in fluorescent letters, "I Am Ready to Take Up Any Man's Challenge!"
"I knew being a knight would have serious repercussions on my health.. I never wanted to do this anyway... I wanted to be..."
But the wimpy and cowardly knight was snapped out of his daydreams of chopping down trees by the Lavender Knight, who slapped his face with a pink glove and shouted, "En Garde!"
"Um...alright." said Dwain half-heartedly as he went over and took the axe offered him.
The Lavender Knight knelt down and then got up. "Hold on a sec, I just need to put on this ascot I got at Lord & Taylor last week. Then my stereo typically flamboyant homosexual motif will be complete."
"Um....can't we settle this over a cup of tea? Or, um, ..orange juice! I..." Dwain trailed off pointlessly. He then picked up the axe, having no other choice and balanced himself for giving the blow. But just then, one of RBM's pet beagles, Snuffles, ran by, tripping poor Dwain.
In tripping Sir Dwain, the beagle made him prematurely drop the axe. Luckily, it consequently cut off the Lavender Knight's head. Snuffles sat by and waited to receive a dog treat as a reward for bettering all of humanity. No one noticed because they were all staring at the now headless knight. Thus, poor Snuffles had to settle for one of Sir Fouffie's pastries.
"Ew..." Silence. All in the room were too astonished to speak.
"Ew...he's like a chicken with its head cut off! He's still moving, that is so freeaky! Oh, er...I think I'm gonna throw up.." Well, not everyone.
After a brief astonished pause, Sir Dwain collected himself. "Yay, I finally got the Sir Dwain action figure and trading card!"
Then, just as he was going to revel in his complete collections of Knights of the Slightly Ovular Table Trading Cards and Action Figures, the decapitated body rose and picked the Lavender Knight's head up. Dwain shrieked like a girl and fainted. The Lavender knight affixed his head on his body, tying it down with the ascot from Lord & Taylor, and patiently waited for Sir Dwain to revive.
Sir Dwain was revived after Ferdinand the Beagle licked his face for 20 minutes. It was a good thing too because the Lavender Knight was getting impatient. After all, there's only so much time a man can stand being in a cat suit. So, as Dwain was getting up and brushing himself off, the LK explained to him that to fulfill the challenge he must search the land and meet him in 3 years time.
"So, see you soon. Har har har har!!" And with that he vanished in a puff of lavender smoke.
Dwain was indeed saddened by this news. Tears came to his eyes, but then he realised this was because of the lavender smoke, which smelled exactly like J.Lo perfume. He brushed it away, then walked home, crying the whole time, because when the Lavender Knight had poofed away, he had taken with him his trading card, action figure, and Curtis, his favorite beagle. He would miss Curtis...
Then, halfway down the road, he came to realise that pretty soon, he would have to go and meet the LK in battle, and most likely die. He stopped feeling sorry for Curtis and started feeling sorry for himself.
When he came home, his mother saw his tear-stained face and asked him what had happened.
"Nothing..." sniffled Dwain. "Some guy in a catsuit threw off my groooooove."
And so, after packing some clothes and extra underwear he set off on his quest to find a way to defeat the LK. Also, he set out on this quest to become a man and to reach self actualization, whatever that meant. But whatever it meant, he would not go alone. Karl, his second favorite Beagle was to accompany him.
No one really missed him when he left. In fact they were clapping. King Arthur himself was giving him a standing ovation. For weeks he traveled and got nowhere. Then he got lost. And then he found his way again. Things were hard for poor Sir Dwain and his Beagle squire.
At one point, he ran out of his supplies of Sir Fouffie's pastries and ended up having to eat Karl. And so, now, we find our hero lost in a place called Flanders where the peoples are kind but they speak some sort of Swedish dialect that he didn't really understand.
Dwain walked over to the nearest villager and asked him how to find the Lavender Knight.
"Dur est und knackwurst."
Dwain had never been called a sausage before, although he had been called many other things. His loneliness and misery overtook him. He began his trudge out of Flanders, with a new companion, the man who had called him a sausage. His name was Hans, and he was a medieval Norse dentist. His hobbies included pulling teeth and petting moose(s?).
Dwain and Hans were a long time on the road, headed for the Lavender Chapel, a lavishly decorated palace of perfume and fruitiness, where Dwain was supposed to meet the LK for his battle. Shortly before reaching the Lavender Chapel, however, they encountered a rich nobleman, who offered them a place to stay, in his castle, before meeting with the perfumed terror.
Dwain wasn't too thrilled with the idea but having eaten nothing but roast Beagle, Beagle on toast, Beagle sausage, and Beagle Burger for so long, the idea of eating at a feast sounded very appealing. Hans was dying of joy. All he could say was "Knackwurst! Ya, duy est und knackwurst!". Both were given two luxurious rooms to stay in. Everyone was very nice to him The rich nobleman's wife was very friendly. Maybe a little too friendly.
Dwain was beginning to get quite confused as to whether it was hospitality that made that woman appear to him one night in kinky lingerie and strip tease for him. He wanted to say something but he was afraid that it would be rude to interrupt. Maybe it was some sort of cultural thing. But finally, one night, after the incident with the moose and the corset and the whip and the chocolate cake and the orgy, Dwain decided that enough was enough.
Dwain woke up the morning after "the incident", stark naked, next to another naked man, with a traffic cone between them. As soon as he had gotten some clothes on and convinced himself that the memories popping into his head of the night before were just a dream, he headed downstairs where the slutty host's wife, called Candi, was waiting for him.
After stuffing himself with croissants, Dwain waited for the opportune moment to yell at her for her very naughty behavior.
"Ok, um...Ma'am. Listen, canyoutonedownyourweirdbehaviorcauseitsreallyfreakingme out.Imean,thethingwiththewhippedcreamandthehottubwasfunandallbutthethingisyo ur marriedandIthinkitbestforyoutoendthisvendettaandpossiblygobacktoyourhusband. Maybe marriagecounselingmaybequiteuseful.IknewthisguybackinCamelot,FinnMaCool,hehe lpedout withArthur'smarriageproblemsandall,youknow withGuinevere,godthatwomanwasaslut.Well,goodbye." After saying this all in one breath really fast, Sir Dwain promptly left the room. But not without stuffing a few croissants in his pockets.
Candi was disheartened by this speech. Surely the hot tub full of whipped cream would make any man putty in her hands. Perhaps he was a eunuch?, she wondered. At that moment her husband, Lord Oblivius, came into the room.
"Our guest is such a nice person, don't you think so, dear?"
"Oh, he is quite... niice."
Candi then came to realise that her husband lived up to his name, since he had only last night walked in on the orgy, and calmly walked away, mumbling something about his fuzzy bunny slippers. He made no comment on last night's incidents now, so she decided to make her move. Arming herself with a bucket of croissants and the tightest corset in her girdle drawer, she made her way to Dwain's room.
Disappointingly, all she found was Hans who was twiddling his thumbs and looking at the sky. Candi, knowing his fondness for sausages, offered to blow his sausage for a small fee. But Hans didn't seem to understand a word she said. They even referred to a Swiss-English phrase book taken from Lord Oblivius's library.
"Want to come back to my place? Bouncy Bouncy? My nipples explode with delight."
After hearing this, Candi left the room and resolved in her head to go live in a nunnery. Meanwhile, Sir Dwain looked at his pocket calendar. He promptly passed out. He had only 48 hours until he had to reencounter the dreaded Lavender Knight.