AUTHOR'S NOTE: My first Final Fantasy XI fanfiction. I myself am currently a Windurstian Male Hume on the Bismarck Server. I am a wearer of the White Robes, and Follower of the Goddess of the Dawn (Role player).
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This story is dedicated to Tenshihi. She has lead me back to the Goddess when I have strayed before.
Who am I?
Where did I come from?
Why am I here?…
I have wondered these questions before. And when I asked my mommy and daddy for the answers, they told me that I am an elvaan, I came from the Goddess, and that I am here so that one day I may serve the Goddess and enter into Her paradise.
My mommy and daddy say they talk to her all the time, that they can see her all around them and can feel her love and warmth all around them.
I try to see her, but I can't. I try and try and try, and yet I still feel cold.
I get up from lying in the green grass in the garden behind the church where my mommy and daddy work, and start to walk down the broken stone path that leads to the small pond on the very edge of what must be the world.
A bunch of people go to that church everyday, dressed in those white robes with a solemn expression on their faces. They tell me that they are going to go see the Goddess.
Occasionally, I am taken to see her too. After an hour of listening to a tall person, who is also dressed in white talk, and after kneeling down on my knees for a while, it seems like everyone except for me is talking to the Goddess.
After the service, my mommy and daddy always ask me how it was to feel Her, and to experience Her in all Her glory…
and I have to lie and tell them that it was wonderful…
I feel alone. And I hate myself for not being able to see her. I must be doing something wrong, I have to be. Everyone tells me that she is there for me, if I only know how to see her. Maybe I can't see, maybe I am blind.
I know she is real, because everyone says she is.
I trudge to the pond, and look up the statue in the middle of it. It's of a woman, with long flowing hair, and her hands cupped in front of her, while she is looking skyward. There are these green planty-things growing all over her gray stone body in crooked lines, from her feet to her head.
Is she the goddess? My mommy told me that the goddess is the most beautiful woman in the world, and that no mere mortal can dare to come close to looking like her.
I really want to see this goddess. I just want to be able to tell everyone that I really did see her, and that I know I am not alone anymore. I want to feel the way that they do.
I step into the water and start to walk to the statue, on my tippy toes.
Boy, its c-c-cold in h-h-here…
I come to the statue, and climb onto its base, where that pretty stone woman is standing. I am shivering lightly, and I notice that my footprints are surrounded with red stuff. I bend over and look at my feet. I see that my toes were bleeding from all those pointy stones I had walked on earlier.
Oww…they hurt…
My eyes start to well up with tears, but I hold them back.
My daddy told me once, that when I get hurt, I get better because the Goddess comes and kisses the pain to make the hurt go away. He told me that once when I fell out of a tree and cut my knee. I was crying, and my daddy told me that the pain would go away by the morning, by the Goddess' kiss. And he was right! Next morning, no more pain.
Maybe…
That's how…
I fumble in my pocket for my knife, and pull it out. It was a birthday gift from my grandpa a long time ago. He told me that it could help me if I ever needed help. I flick open the blade, and I notice that it shimmers in the bright morning light.
I scoot myself in between the statue's legs, and lean up against one of them.
I want to see her.
I want to see what everyone else sees.
The blade presses against my flesh, and my skin yields easily. As I drag the knife along my wrist, a thin ream of dark red stuff starts to show up and bubble over my skin, and starts to cover the gleaming metal.
It hurts, but that is good. Pain will make her come. She will come, and I will see her when she kisses my pain.
Just once, I want to not have to lie…
I make three more cuts like that on my right arm, and then I put the knife in my right hand, and make four more cuts like that on my other arm.
I turn my head skywards, looking for her. She should be coming any moment now, to kiss my cuts, and make the pain go away.
The dark red stuff starts to drain out of me faster and faster, spilling onto the statues feet, and dripping into the water below, making a murky cloud.
Where is she?…
Can she not tell that I am hurting?
I try to raise the knife to cut myself again, but my hands or arms feel like they are being held down by someone.
I then slide down onto my back between the statue's legs, and gaze up into the bright sunlight. The world starts to twist and turn, and get slightly darker. I close my eyes a bit, then all the way.
Boy am I tired.
She has to be coming soon.
After all, She is there for me…if I ever want her to be. I have been told that all my life.
I want her here now.
I can't even feel my heart beating, or even breathe.
Wow…the pain is gone. I can't feel anything anymore at all. Does that mean she is here? Does that mean she is kissing my wounds, and making me feel better?
I just wish I could open my eyes and see her floating body above me…
I really d-
-fin