Icha Icha Distortion

Disclaimer: This story is a work of fiction. All the characters' designs, called names and places mentioned belong to their respective owners.

Total parts: 6+ (depends on number of favorite and reviews?)
Available Sequels: NarutoxKuroka (Icha Icha Discord), NarutoxYasaka (Icha Icha Disunity). Sequels might not be available on FF. Each story can be read as independently.

=[Icha Icha Distortion]=
Prologue

The realm of the dead, connected to the deepest and darkest edge of the Underworld through Cocytus, was a vast, foul and desolated wasteland. Only the garden of bones and mounted skulls grew in earnest under the ominous eerie shadowy sky while indiscernible tortured screams of agony could be heard riding the icy chilling wind. A single lone mansion, erected only a few days ago, stood completely silent among the barren landscape, and housed within its body was a study room, where a person seated in a quite comfy seat.

A moment of permeated silence reigned as the blond raised his brow and rubbed it mildly with an index finger. His oceanic blue eyes narrowed sharply, allowing him to peer out through the massive cathedral-like glass window and seeing the vast emptiness beyond. Several things went through his mind in that instant, but one stood out the most.

"Seriously…? Why the fuck would I built a manor here? What a shitty location," he mumbled lowly as he read the opening paragraph into the story. Even it'd stated that he had built such a place a few days ago, he had no recollection of doing such an absurdly stupid thing. If it was up to him, he would surely build it in a place with plenty of sunshine and rainbow, not this arid hellhole.

"And girls," he added with a small smirk. Fortunately or unfortunately, depending on perspective, it was not up to him. Even with all his godlike powers and abilities, he was unable to escape the fictional world he was written into. An imaginative world that was bounded and governed by only the logic and desire of its constructor, who is very hand –

"Can you shut up? This is my story so stop talking about stupid shit like your looks. Also, give the readers my name already so they can stop guessing on who I am," Naruto growled with annoyance. He managed to refrain himself from adding the lame verbal tick dattebayo whenever he was frustrated.

Naruto rolled his eyes mildly at the last statement before trying to read the available lemony scenes to this Icha Icha story. Sadly, his ability was unable to penetrate the line break. "What? Tch… and you bitch about me breaking the fourth wall when you're being doing so much of it in the last few lines; hypocrite much?"

A stern, but soft voice within the room spoke up. "I don't want to intrude, but why are you mumbling to yourself?"

It came from his side. His attention was snapped there immediately. Was the silver-haired woman with matching pair of silver eyes there the whole time? Not a moment sooner, his scrutinizing eyes slid down and away from her facial feature to examine the black, white and red attire, which revealed much of her legs and arms.

Cute revealing gothic dress, Naruto thought. It still kind of long though. Maybe some more ribbon and tassels here… eh? Damn… those are…

He pursed and licked his lips while his slightly bugling eyes remained completely fixated on her most impressive bust. Those breasts were otherworldly, and they were pressed together by durable red patterned ribbons – strapping – which were connected to her fairly lewd garment. "Ahem… who are you?"

"I'm… your maid," she answered with a pause. A light humbled bow was given before her lips formed a small frown at his perversion. "My face is up here… master."

"I know, but these twins are way more interesting," Naruto responded with a smile. He knew that since this story was Icha Icha, there bound to be some very steamy lemon a few thousand words down. That much was certain, but he wasn't sure who he would be paired with. Let me see the pairing list damn it… is she one of them?

No one answered him.

"Hmmm. You're my maid, huh?" Naruto finally asked. When the confirmation was given, the corner of his eyes captured the darkness beyond the glass window. "I kind of forgot… is night service part of your job causes I really need some to kill time?"

She shook her head firmly as a response while her facial features and body gestures expressed no hint of embarrassment or shyness. Why would she? She knew many of the upper class of her society had kept retainers and servants for sexual pleasures. It was only natural. Still, she could not believe how she got herself into this situation. Was it not several days ago that she was happily at her own home in one of the most prominent part of the underworld, serving another master?

"Can you stop playing the damn pronoun game?" Naruto mumbled almost inaudibly. The pronoun game was stupid in his opinion. "Of course it is. I want to know her name. It feels very awkward not to. Asking about it out of the blue seems odd as well."

She frowned thinly as she unable to hear what he was saying. Her new master seemed to be talking to himself quiet a lot. From what little she could understand, he seemed to be speaking to another person, but she did not know who. She could not fathom the truth to her reality.

Naruto was disappointed. Taking a handful of seconds, he brushed and scratched his head. Since he couldn't get any sexual favor from her, he wasn't really sure what he was supposed to do. Usually, he knew the plot line, but with this kind of story, there was really no plot. Even if there was, it just a very simplistic one. "Umm… say, do you know what should I be doing?"

"I'm sorry, I don't know either," she answered truthfully. She looked up at the clock as it slowly ticking away. She would be in his service for half a day, every day. The other half, she was free to return back home per their contract. The rating game could really make a slave out of someone. Why did she agree to such a battle in the first place?

What's a rating game? Naruto pondered. He had no information on that. He also noticed from her facial expression and posture that deep down, she didn't want to be here, serving him. Why don't I just let her go then? I'm not really sure why she's here in the first place.

"I think you should leave," Naruto suggested. "I don't need you to be here anymore."

"Am I doing an inadequate job?"

"Huh…? No, you're doing great," Naruto said. He wasn't even sure what her job was. What did maid do usually? He gave a shrug quickly enough.

"Thank you, but I must apologize for my tardiness as of late," she said and brushed her bizarre designed dress. "These uniforms are difficult to wear. Is there no other one that suits me?"

These are uniform… damn it sounds like me, making her wear those things for kicks, Naruto thought with both amusement and perversion. "Don't worry too much about it. I'm usually pretty lax on these things. By the way, umm… do you know what I usually do at this time?"

That question was odd in her mind. "I only served you for a couple of days, master, but during this time, you seat here for hours on end, watching the outside terrain from this spot."

"Oh…" Naruto said. He leaned back against his chair and faced forward at the glass window. "Okay, back to watching then… not really sure what I'm supposed to be watching though, but I will figure it out."

She did not say anything further. She simply just stood there by his side and watched the unchanging landscape as well. The screaming of the tormented spirits did not bother her as she had gotten used to them in the last few days. Minutes passed, and hours breezed by before something rung up, breaking the quietness of the room.

"What is that?" Naruto asked as he looked around him.

"Communication device, master," she responded and opened the drawer by the table. A crystal ball was taken out and placed it upon the desk. "Lucifer-sama wishes to speak to you."

Who the hell is that? I seriously need to update my information, Naruto thought. "Ummm… okay, patch him through then?"

An image of a young man with shoulder-length crimson red hair and blue-green eyes appeared on the crystal ball. He appeared to be fuming for a while. "Can you please release my wife, Naruto!? I will give you anything you want in exchange."

Naruto raised a brow since he still had no clue what the hell was going on. "Who is your wife?"

Sirzechs Lucifer glared at him. "Are you messing with me?"

"What? I wouldn't have the balls to mess with the great Lucifier," Naruto deadpanned with a rather blank expression. He then chuckled amusingly. "Sorry, but I usually forget stuff. Did I imprison your wife or something?" He cocked his head towards his maid. "Ummm… damn it, what's your name? Whatever it is, take me to the kinky dungeon so I could have some fun with his wife."

Grayfia was speechless. Was there a dungeon in this place?

"You bastard, touch her and I'm going to kill you," Lucifer roared loudly. His natural carefree demeanor was cracked. He then pointed at the maid demandingly. "Grayfia, just come home already. You don't have to do this."

"I would like to see you try," Naruto snorted before noticing the pointed direction. "Oh… What? You're his wife, Grayfia?"

"No," Grayfia answered flatly with an impassive expression. She was still on the job. "I am not. He was my master before you."

"Okay…?" Naruto said with suspicion. He then shrug and returned his attention to the crimson-haired man. "How about you stop forcing your servant to be your wife? That's not cool, ya know?"

"She is my wife, you idiot," Lucifer called out. "How did she lose to you in the rating game?"

What the hell was the rating game? I should ask someone, but I would look stupid if I do… hmm… oh… I know, Naruto thought. "That's because I'm just awesome, but you know what? If you want to win her back, we could settle it with another game?"

Hearing the offer, Lucifer took a moment to calm down and thought to himself. "What do you want in exchange?"

"Ummm…" Naruto had no idea what was Lucifer was talking about, but it did not take him more than a couple of seconds to realize Lucifer must put up something of equal value in exchange during the rating game. Winner would claim all. Interesting, but ultimate pointless for Naruto did not really need anything materialistic.

Shut up, that's not true, Naruto thought. He thumbed his maid. "How about you put up some pictures of her awesome breasts?"

"How about I blast you into dust right now?" Lucifer snapped in annoyance. He could let the cosplaying go since his wife was pretty cute in the gothic attire. They really ascended her figure to legendary status.

"Even if I let you, I doubt you can. I'm the main character of this story after all," Naruto responded with a grin, earning the confused look on the faces of Sirzechs and silent Grayfia. "Meh, you wouldn't get it even if I told you. Anyway, you don't want to give me those?"

"Of course not," Lucifer said. "Not saying that I have any to give," he added hastily with a sweat-drop as he gauged his wife's expression.

"Okay, how about another pair of breasts then? As long as they are bigger than hers, it is acceptable," Naruto haggled.

Lucifer thought about his younger sister, Rias Gremory, almost immediately. Her breasts were larger, and being an exhibitionist of sort, she would probably allow him to trade her lewd pictures for his wife's freedom.

"How about a date with your sister," Naruto said as he read the previous paragraph. "Actually, is she hot? If not, I don't her pictures."

Sirzechs narrowed his eyes slightly. "Did you just read my mind?"

"Why would I want to?" Naruto questioned. He didn't need to read the man's mind. All he needed was to read the written passage. It kept him informed on information he would not have otherwise. "I might if you're a pretty girl."

Grayfia frowned. "You are shallow, master."

Naruto eyed her with a slight irritation. "You should know that everyone is pretty shallow, Grayfia. Don't tell me that you never thought and consider his age or his appearance." He turned back to Lucifer. "And you as well."

Grayfia remained silence. He was obviously right. Lucifer only gave an acknowledged nod.

"The difference between me and you is that I don't need to hide it," Naruto added. "I like beautiful girls and I'm damn proud of it."

He continued. "Alright, back to the date. Is it possible?"

Lucifer frowned. "It might be possible if my sister wasn't engaged."

"What that got to do with anything?" Naruto asked. "People get divorced all the time, and some even have an opened marriage. Just because she has a fiancée, doesn't mean she's off the table."

Lucifer couldn't help but chuckle. "You should have a strange outlook on things, Naruto. However, I cannot ask Rias-chan to do something of the sort. I cannot give you any pictures you desired either. Is there anything else you want?"

"Nothing came to mind," Naruto said after a couple of seconds. A lot of things did come to mind, but considered how lecherous they were, he knew his requests weren't going to fly. Why bother negotiating something that lead to nowhere? It was a waste of time and effort. "How about I call you back when I have something."

"I see," Lucifer responded. He looked at his wife for a moment before turning back to the blond. "How did you win against Grayfia? No one seemed to know."

Grayfia did not know either. Her memory was hazy about that part. She wasn't even sure why she had accepted the challenge without telling her husband personally. She only knew she was beaten in single combat, and the binding contract was set the moment she lost.

"When the narrator writes up to it, I will tell you," Naruto answered with all honestly. He had no fucking clue what happened before this chapter either, and if the damn story ever got to the point to reveal the event preceding this event, he probably wouldn't care less, at least not as much as he did now.

Both Grayfia and Lucifer looked confused once more. Who was this narrator he was talking about?

"I will tell you about the narrator if you defeat me in the rating game," Naruto clarified before cocking his head to his maid. "How do I turn this thing off?"

"I will do it, master," Grayfia said. She said something to her husband before the image faded away. She then returned the crystal ball back into the drawer before facing her master. "Shall I help you prepare a battle plan?"

"Huh? How about I just show up and punch the living shit out your husband," Naruto responded. "That sounds like a good plan. It's easy to remember too. Anything else you want to advise me?"

Grayfia only stared at the blond. Was he serious? "Lucifer-sama is one of the strongest devils. His power of destruction could obliterate anything short of a God-class opponent."

A god-class opponent…? Someone who is on par with a physical God? How powerful is a physical God in this place anyway. Why the hell am I thinking too much on it? I've slain Gods so unless he's above that, he wasn't going to give me any trouble.

Naruto yawned lightly. "Alright, you lost me. What is power of destruction?"

He didn't know? Grayfia pondered before taking a moment to contemplate whether she should help her master defeat her husband. She eventually decided to be in the middle ground. She would explain only the information that the public knew and no further.

"Oh… that's kind of awesome," Naruto said as he took in the necessary information. "So what is a rating game anyway?"

Grayfia stared at the blond once more. How did she lose to someone who didn't know about the rating game?

Plots, got to love them, Naruto thought with a grin. "Well, I only know the basic since I'm not really a devil, ya know?"

"You're not?" Grayfia questioned. She reached out her hand towards him as her own evil piece pulsed. It told her there was an evil piece within him.

Naruto also felt their pulsation as well within him. Whatever the evil piece were, he didn't know, but there were several of them inside his body. He took in a deep breath as his chakra erupted outward, washing over the room with little restrain.

Immersed completely in his aura, Grayfia panted and felt her legs weakened. The power he released was incredibly potent, seemingly pushing down upon her body with the weight of the entire world. She tried to control herself, but it did not take long for her to fall on her knees under its pressure.

Naruto opened his eyes as his dense aura vanished as quickly as it had appeared. He placed his hand over his lips. Opening his mouth, he coughed several times. Sixteen times to be exact. He placed each of the evil pieces upright onto the desk right in front of him with a raised brow. "These are chess pieces?"

Grayfia only stared at them as saliva trailed down their bodies. "Did you eat them?"

"Yeah," Naruto answered with a cheeky grin. He had no idea why he ate them since it wasn't necessary for him to consume anything to stay alive. Maybe he wanted to see what they actually tasted like. "I was kind of hungry, and all I had with me then were these things. One thing led to another and they ended up in my stomach."

That did not make much sense; any sense really. A moment of silence reigned before she spoke up. "Are you messing with me?"

– To be continued –