Audrey II's Everywhere!
Patrick: Patrick Martin, International Licensing and Marketing. I want to show you something.
Ron: She's not interested.
Patrick: Ah, but she will be…Look!
As he speaks, he pulls something from behind his back.
Patrick: I took the liberty of taking a cutting from that amazing plant of yours and look what grew in a couple of days.
In a small flowerpot, decorated with the words 'Audrey II' is a miniature
Audrey II, just like the one Kim first bought from the Chinese man.
They both stare at it.
Patrick: The design boys did the packaging. Cute, huh? Get the idea?
My firm is willing to pay you a reasonable amount to take leaf cuttings – develop little Audrey II's –
and sell them to florist shops and supermarkets across the nation.
Kim and Ron are horrified by what they're hearing.
Patrick: Pretty soon, every household in America could have one.
The words echo through Kim's frazzled mind.
"Have one…have one…have one…"
Patrick takes a step closer.
Patrick: Imagine it Kim, we'll make a fortune. Audrey II's everywhere.
"Everywhere…everywhere…everywhere…"
Patrick takes another step closer.
Patrick: This could be bigger than Hula-Hoops…
"Hula-Hoops…Hula-Hoops…Hula-Hoops…"
Kim covers her ears. Patrick takes yet another step.
Patrick: What do you say, Ms. Possible?
The two look down at the miniature plant. It stares at them with its little pod—and smiles. Demonic laughter echoes through their mind. Realizing that this is what the plant had in mind all along, Ron runs across the street and into the shop, completely ignoring Patrick.
Patrick: (shouting) Mr. Possible? Mr. Possible! Possible! Hey, we don't have to deal with you, you know! A goddamned vegetable's public domain! You ask our lawyers!
Ron looks angrily up at the plant.
Ron: Every household in America! That's what you had in mind all along, isn't it?
Audrey II: No shit, Sherlock!
Ron: We're not talking about one hungry plant here; we're talking about world conquest!
Audrey II: And I want to thank YOU!
Ron: You ate my girlfriend's mom!
The plant merely laughs.
Ron: You're a monster and so is Kim. It's gotta end, It's gotta stop right here!
The plant shoves him with a vine.
"MEAN GREEN MOTHER FROM OUTER SPACE"
Audrey II (singing): Better wait a minute.
Uh, ya better hold the phone.
Better mind your manners,
Better change your tone.
The plant knocks him to the floor and shoves its massive pod in his face.
Audrey II (singing): Don't you threaten me son,
You gotta lot of gall.
We gonna do things my way,
Or we won't do things at all!
The pod rears up, laughing. Ron watches in horror as the plant's pot begins to crack. Small chunks break away, and roots begin pushing their way out.
Audrey II: Uh-huh! You're in trouble now! Baby!
Suddenly, the entire pot shatters, showering clay and dirt on Ron. Audrey II has taken root in the ground underneath the shop and now faces him down defiantly.
Audrey II (singing): Ya don't know what you're messing with,
You've got no idea.
You don't know what you're looking at,
When you're looking here.
Ya don't know what you're up against.
No, no way, no how!
Ya don't know what you're messing with,
But I'm gonna tell you now!
Ron clambers to his feet, runs to the table and picks up a revolver.
He brandishes the gun at the plant but is frozen by fear, as dozens of smaller pods, like miniature Audrey II's, pop open, signing the harmony.
Audrey II (singing): Get this straight!
I'm just a mean green mother from outer space and I'm bad!
Pods (singing): Mean, green, bad!
Audrey II (singing): I'm just a mean green mother from outer space,
And it looks like you've been had.
I'm just a mean green mother from outer space,
So get off my back, get outta my face.
Because I'm mean and green and I am bad!
Ron squeezes off three shots, which ricochet off the plant's pod and into a mirror.
He looks away nervously and fires a fourth, which also bounces off. The plant grabs the gun with a vine.
The plant twirls the gun and fires a shot at his feet.
He jumps.
Audrey II (singing): Wanna save your skin, boy?
The plant fires another shot, which breaks the water can at Ron's feet. He jumps again.
Audrey II (singing): You wanna save your hide?
Ron goes into the back room. The plant shoots the door.
Audrey II (singing): You wanna see tomorrow? You better step aside?
The plant fires off several shots that hit the windows.
Audrey II (singing): Better take a tip, girl.
Want some good advice?
You better take it easy,
Because you're walking on thin ice.
The gunshots have stopped. Ron takes a tentative step to look, but jumps back when the computer comes through the window. Finally, Ron steps away from the wall, facing the plant.
Audrey II (singing): You don't know what you're dealing with;
No, you never did.
You don't know what you're looking at,
But that's tough titty kid!
The lion don't sleep tonight,
And if you pull his tail, he roars!
Ron comes out of the back room with an axe. He lunges at all the vines gathered on the counter. He hacks at them again and again, missing each time.
Audrey II (singing): Ya say, 'That ain't fair?'
Ya say, 'That ain't nice?'
Ya know what I say? 'Up yours!'
As the pods take up the harmony again. Ron runs out in front of the table, the axe over her head. The plant pulls his jeans down with its vines.
Audrey II (singing): Watch me now!
I'm just a mean green mother from outer space and I'm bad!
Pods (singing): Mean, green, bad!
Ron drops the axe and shuffles off to cave take cover behind the table.
Audrey II (singing): I'm just a mean green mother,
A real disgrace!
And you got me fighting mad!
Ron cowers behind the relative safety of the table, but the pods are now beginning to snake their way under there and are ooh-ing in his face.
Audrey II (singing): I'm just a mean green mother from outer space,
Gonna trash your ass, gonna rock this place!
I'm mean and green and I am BAD!
The smaller pods retract to rejoin the main one. A huge vine snakes forward and smacks the table, breaking it in half. Ron huddles there, jeans around his ankles, as the plant raps at her.
Audrey II (singing): You know I don't come back from no black lagoon,
Pods (singing): No!
Audrey II (singing): I'm from past the stars and beyond the moon.
Pods (singing): Yeah!
Audrey II (singing): You can keep the Thing,
Pods (singing): Hey!
Audrey II (singing): Keep the It,
Pods (singing): Woah!
Audrey II (singing): Keep the Creature, they don't mean shit!
Ron yanks his jeans up and runs for the basement door. The plant thrusts a vine into the door, blocking him.
Audrey II (singing): I got killer buds, power stem,
The plant shoots out another vine into the wall next to Ron, trapping him.
Two more trap him at the waist!
Audrey II (singing): Nasty thorns and I'm using them!
You better move it out, Nature calls!
You got the point?
I'm gonna bust your balls!
A vine shoots into the wall, between Ron's legs, mere inches from his crotch.
He looks up in horror; he realizes now the plant is playing with its food. The pods once again harmonize in Ron's face as the plant laughs.
Audrey II: Here it comes!
Ron drops to the floor, attempting to crawl to safety. But the plant plunges a vine into and across the floor, kicking up tiles as it does, and emerges in front of Ron.
Undaunted, he crawls in a different direction, but is again blocked by a vine. He makes several more attempts, but is soon trapped huddling on the floor as vines pop up all around him!
Audrey II (singing): I'm mean and green…
Pods (singing): Mean green mother form outer space…
The plant is shooting vines into the walls now, even through the ceiling. Ron remains huddled on the floor.
Audrey II (singing): I'm mean and green…
Pods (singing): Mean green mother form outer space…
Audrey II (singing): I'm mean and green…
Ron watches as still more vines continue to snake into all corners of the room, grabbing and smashing whatever they can. The plant laughs. Still more vines shoot out; through the heater, through the clock…
The plant then grabs a support post and yanks. As the plant and the pods laugh, the entire shop collapses around Ron; first the ceiling caves in, raining dust and tiles everywhere. Then one wall gives in, then the other wall collapses and soon what used to be a shop is now a storm of plaster, cement, dirt, and debris. The plant surveys the carnage, still laughing. Ron tries to dig his way out of the wreckage that has fallen on him. Dazed, but still sensing he is in danger, he quickly scrambles away from the shop and into the street out of reach of the mocking plant.
Breathing heavily and seemingly half-mad, he takes the heroic stature of a mad prophet or of Kevin McCarthy in Invasion of the Body Snatchers as he shouts…
Ron: I'll warn 'em! I'll warn 'em! I'll tell 'em! The human race won't take this lying down! And wherever your kind grows…whatever you try…we'll be waiting for you!
Ron turns and runs across the street.
Ron (shouting to the rooftops): They're coming! They're coming! Don't feed 'em! Don't feed the plants! Don't feed the plants!
As he shouts, he meets up with Kim.
Ron: We've got to warm 'em! We've got to warm 'em!
As they both run away, we hear the rumbling, demonic laughter of the plant in the distance.
The pods too begin cackling until we are left with the almost deserted streets echoing with dark, ominous laughter.
"FINALE (DON'T FEED THE PLANTS)"
Cut to the three girls sitting on a theatre stage, looking defeated. Behind them is a giant brick wall. Monique then begins to sings with gospel fervour…
Monique (singing): Subsequent to the events you have just witnessed,
Similar events in cities across America.
Events which bore a striking resemblance to the ones you have just seen began occurring…
Oh, oh-oh…
Girls (singing): Subsequent to the events you have just witnessed,
Unsuspecting jerks from Maine to California…
Made the acquaintance of a new breed of flytrap…
And got sweet-talked into feeding it blood…
As the girls continue singing, behind them the wall begins to fall apart with
Bricks falling down one-by-one…
Girls (singing): Thus the plants worked their terrible will,
Finding jerks who would feed them their fill.
And the plants proceed to grow…and grow…
And began what they came here to do,
Which was essentially to…
Through the holes in the wall come vines from the Audrey II.
The girls do their best to dodge them.
Yori (singing): Eat Cleveland!
Monique (singing): And Des Moines!
Joss (singing): And Peoria!
Girls (singing): And New York…
AND THIS THEATRE!
Suddenly, a giant Audrey II bursts through the brick wall, laughing loudly.
Kim, Ron, Brick, and Bonnie are each tied up to a vine. With their eyes wide-open, all four of them appear to be in a zombie-like trance.
All (singing): They may offer you fortune and fame,
Love and money and instant acclaim.
But whatever they offer you,
Don't feed the plants!
The four victims snap out of their trance and begin singing.
Brick (singing): They may offer you lots of cheap thrills…
Ron (singing): Fancy condos in Beverly Hills…
Bonnie (singing): But whatever they offer you,
Kim (singing): Don't feed the plants!
Audrey II begins making its way towards the audience…
Chorus (singing): Lookout! Here comes Audrey II!
Lookout…
Audrey II (singing): Here I come for you…
Brick (singing): Here I come for you…
Ron (singing): Here I come for you…
Kim (singing): Here I come for you…
All Three (singing): YOU…!
Audrey II is now dangerously close to the audience…
All (singing): Hold your hat and hang onto your soul!
Something's coming to eat the world whole!
If we fight it, we still got a chance.
But whatever they offer you –
Tho' they're slopping the trough for you –
Please whatever they offer you,
Don't feed the plants…
Kim and Ron stare at each other and with a small glimmer of hope sing…
We'll have tomorrow…
As the Audrey II begins attacking the audience and laughing maniacally, everyone sings one final plea:
DON'T FEED THE PLA—A—ANTS!
THE END