A Trip to the Mall
(From Hyde's Point of View)
DISCLAIMER: I own nothing except my own warped mind.
Man, I'm just trying to get my laundry done and Jackie keeps sitting there talking about how we'd miss her if she weren't around. Yeah, right. Well, actually, I might you know, because she is mighty fine to look at and that sometimes helps to kill the boredom. But when she says it, I just don't have the heart to burn her like I know I should. I mean, she's just trying so hard to look tough but underneath it all I know that she's really very vulnerable right now. Even though she's been dating Kelso for awhile now, I know that she's really just an innocent kid, so I try to say nice things but I'm not really very good at that kind of crap.
Whoa, now she wants me to go to the mall with her. I'm trying to let her down easy but she keeps rattling on about her being alone and me being alone. Next thing I know, man, she's followed me into my room. I mean, there's not a whole lot of room in there to begin with and when she says, "Look, we're alone right now", I realize she's standing just a few inches away from me. I look down at her pretty little face and realize suddenly that she has the most gorgeous pair of lips I've ever seen on a chick. I mean, they're full, and soft, and sort of pinky-rose-colored. Aw crap, man, I've got to get out of here. I rush out of my room to get away from her before I do something really stupid, like kiss her!
What can I say, man? She conned me into going to the mall with her. Me, at the mall! Well, at least I got a free meal out of it. While we were there, she just insisted on buying me some new boots. Hey, I've got no problem with being a kept man and I'm all for the empowerment of women. If my accepting a cool new pair of Dingo's will help the movement, then I'm willing to forgo the thrill of shoplifting them. Anything for the cause—you've come a long way, baby!
Well, anyway, next thing I know, we're in her Daddy's car and she starts in about what we're going to do the next night. I get a bad feeling about then. I mean, does she think we're dating or something? No way, man. Okay, so I did a nice thing by keeping her company this afternoon. What was I supposed to do when she looked at me with those big doe eyes? Even though she's Jackie, it's still kind of nice to be begged by a beautiful woman. Did I say beautiful? Forget that!
I told her no way was I going to be bribed by a new pair of boots. I mean, one afternoon of Jackie should be enough to last a lifetime, right? When I sarcastically said to her, "What are you going to do, cry?", I had no idea that she would actually start doing it! When I saw those tears in her eyes, it just really got to me, man. There's something about a woman crying that just really tears me up. She just looked so small and lost that I couldn't take it. I started brushing her hair back from her face and put my arm around her shoulders. All I could think of was protecting her and making her feel okay. Well, alright, maybe I was thinking a few other things too, like how nice her perfume smelled and how soft her skin and hair felt. I'm only human, you know.
Suddenly, she leaned in, put her hands on both sides of my face, and pressed those soft, luscious lips on mine. Oh, shit! I jerked away like I'd been burned which is kind of what her lips felt like when they touched mine for that split second. Hotter than hot, man. It was like I got shot with a thousand volts of electricity. It would've curled my hair but that was already done by Mother Nature. It definitely curled my toes, though.
When I called her "Bad Jackie", it was because I was really freaked out, man. I mean, here I am, alone in a car with a gorgeous crying chick who wants to make out with me, and I freaked. So much for Zen. But it wasn't just any gorgeous chick, it was Jackie, man. She's my friend's girl, well, she used to be his girl. But it wasn't really that, you know. It was the fact that I knew she was just feeling hurt and insecure by that crap that Kelso pulled. It's not like she was really into me, Hyde. Probably any halfway decent guy would have gotten the same response. Crap! I mean, if I thought she really dug me, man, I would have been all over her. But I knew she just wanted some comfort. So, I tried my best to be my usual self, telling her that I didn't like her and all. I mean, I really do find her abrasive sometimes but I'm getting kind of used to it. When I said that if I didn't know her and had never talked to her, I would think she was totally hot, that was absolutely the truth. Actually, I guess I should admit that even though I have met her and talked to her, I still think she's about as hot as a girl can get but I would never let her or anyone else know that. Come on, Hyde and Jackie, give me a break.
When I said "Anything for you, Doll", I really meant it. Don't ask me why, but I suddenly realized that it was the truth. And I don't know why I called her "Doll". There's just something about her that brings out a certain tenderness. You know, usually I just use endearments like "Baby" or "Honey" when, well you know, when I'm right in the thick of things, if you know what I mean.
After we got back to the basement, I went to get us a soda. Since she bought dinner, I'd spring for drinks. Yeah, you know, I really am cheap. Good thing nobody's caught on to that yet. Well, when I got back downstairs, that dillhole Kelso was there along with my little buddy Fez. I'm not sure what had been going on but Jackie turned to me, thanked me, and told me that today had been very special to her. Before I knew what was happening, she leaned down and kissed me on the side of my mouth. I froze for just a second 'cause I was kind of in shock. Damn, that was nice! You know, that Jackie has real potential. Too bad I don't have any. Anyway, when she left, Kelso just did that little shriek he does when he's freaked out. Man, did it feel good to watch him get burned by the little pixie. To rub salt in the wound, I told them that she was really nice and then showed them my great new boots. It was hilarious, man. I thought Kelso was going to stroke out. Serves the dumbass right for treating her so crappy. If I had a hot lady like her, I'd treat her right. Did I just say that? Now I'm freaked out!
Well, it's the end of a good day. I got a free meal, new boots, the chance to watch Kelso get royally burned, AND I got kissed twice by a hot chick! Yep, life is good.
Okay, maybe it's not so good. Now I can't get to sleep. Every time I start to doze off, I get these, umm, bad thoughts about Bad Jackie. Oh, man, I'm totally screwed—and not in a good way if you get my drift. Okay, I'll just count sheep…1….2….3….Picture of Jackie in a very low-cut Little Bo-Peep outfit. Damn, I'll start again…1….2….3….Picture of Jackie lying in the grass with her hair spread out around her, wearing a skimpy peasant-type dress. I've got to stop this. Here we go…1…2…3…Picture of Jackie lying in the grass completely nak….. Screw it, I'm gonna go take a cold shower. (Picture of Jackie showering, her hair wet and streaming down her creamy smooth naked back.) Argggghhhhh!
Finis.