All I Ever Wanted

Prelude Questions

by Ame no Chikara

My hands fell stationary at my sides as I looked up in a state of complete shock to the boy standing in front of me. "I just thought you should know that..." The lean brunette said, his deep brown eyes shifting down to the ground. "Just don't think I'm creepy or anything for telling you."

"Cartman... I really just don't know what to say..." My voice sounded so weak as it escaped my lips. I shuddered in the 70 degree weather as I pulled my light jacket tighter around me. 'When did it get so cold?' I heard echo through my head. Come to think of it, what the hell were we doing like this anyway? How did we get here? Seventeen years old, summer moon shining down on pavement littered with puddles from long-gone piles of cold white. What could I say to him that would offer any consolation and yet still be the truth? "I, uh....really think... that's nice."

"Really, Kyle? So you think it's cool?" He asked me in a nasally tone as his eyes came to life out of the recesses of the darkest emotions of the night. Wait... had I lied? No... no, I hadn't. He had just taken what I said the wrong way. My heart skipped a beat as the smile on his face brightened. I wish he wouldn't do that... not after what he had in certain ways." I mumbled out, my heart rate beginning to escalate. I shook gently as his smile broadened further and his head nodded gingerly. What the hell was wrong with him? He seemed so content with it all. He didn't seem cold at all. I knew it was wrong... everything. This isn't the way it's supposed to be... Why the hell did he make all the wrong choices?

"Dude, I realize you may think I'm lame for being gay. But, I swear, Kyle, I've always been this way. Just trust me and we'll all have a hella cool time." He's smirking like he always does when he says 'hella'. I can hear it. I want to smack him. Why does it have to be this way Cartman? My fists clenched themselves in tight balls at my side. God dammit, he's such a bastard. I just wonder... why does it all have to be so bittersweet?

"Lame? No... it's okay, Cartman, really." Unsure. My voice is ringing with that tone. Go away, Cartman. I need you to go away so I can cope with this. Please... just leave... don't you understand? Probably not. I shouldn't expect you to see it so blatantly layed out in my eyes. An exasperated sigh hissed it's way through the atmosphere as my head shot up. He's frustrated... What the hell did I do now? Wasn't I just the victim here?

"Kyle...I can tell that you're just saying this shit to make me feel better. Thanks for trying, though. That was pretty cool of you... even though you suck ass at it." Shock. He shocked me. Of course he did... but, then again, how? I should have expected it from him. He doesn't understand it. I thought he might have. What an ass. He doesn't even try.

"...Sorry, dude." I mumbled out. As I turned to leave, my curiosity reached its peak."... I have one question." My voice swelled with near annoyance as it rang an echo through the night. He looked at me as I cleared my throat and took a moment to choose my words carefully. "...Where the hell did that come out of?"

He blinked at me twice, almost signifying that my question was worded all the wrong way. His eyebrows shot up as a hand ran nonchalantly through his hair. "Kyle... I've always liked Stan. Just because you're too involved with your Jewish ceremonies doesn't mean the rest of our lives don't go on without you noticing. "

My heart had been dealt its final blow. There it lay, in a thousand pieces on the ground. My mind screamed that I shouldn't bend to pick it back up because he stood before me watching my every move. My voice fathomed a flat pitch as I nodded my head with a certain clarity. "Oh. Well, I've gotta be getting home, Cartman."

"Kyle..." His voice struck out briefly as I turned. "Are you alright?" I bit my lip gingerly as I continued to walk in the opposite direction. "Kyle?" I heard him ask again as my legs began to hit the ground faster. Pit-pat pit-pat. "Kyle, just answer my question! God Dammit! You pussy! Just tell me! Are you fucking alright?"

"No!" My voice managed to claim before my pace hastened to a run. Where was I going? Why was I crying? The pain in my heart rippled throughout my body with brute force as I heard my feet slow down on the pavement. What was I hoping for? Why the hell would he like me anyway?

Tears greeted the pavement as my breathing became too heavy. I lifted my head up to see myself at the end of a dark street where even the moonlight barely hit. The sound of a steady beat echoed throughout my head as I turned around to see no one behind me. Did I think he would follow me? Why the hell did my life hit rock bottom in the span of one 24 hour period?

I kneaded my hands and looked up to the starless summer night as my back slid down the wall of a store. I took in a deep breath and wiped tears from my eyes. How petty could I be? I had only liked him for 3 years. Before that all he had been was a fat asshole... what had changed? I quivered as I thought about him.

He was so gentle now... and caring. He had that mature essence. 'He's also a lot thinner.' Something tolled in the back of my head. I looked around as my body slid down the buliding behind me. Why did it have to end up like this after such a wonderful night? How could he betray me...?

All I had anymore was these questions... all these empty questions. Of course, that's what Cartman did to me. My feelings for him made it so questions were all that came out anymore. I took in a deep breath of the stale summer air filled with the heavy scent of sweat. I hated summer. I hated that summer that had started it all. Why the hell had he lead me on like that?

'Stan's fault. It had all been Stan's fault.' My mind hissed. Of course. Stan always took what was most important to me away- what had made me think he wouldn't take Cartman away? Even during that summer, when it was all going so well, he broke everything into pieces. Stan has made it so that I'm alone in the world.

Cartman... there isn't any chance left that you will follow me here, is there?

...God... Why have you forsaken me?

A/N: This chapter and the last chapter will take place in present time. The rest will be a major flashback to when all the boys were fourteen. Also, the flashbacks will be in 3rd person. I originally had it taking place when they were 12, but I decided 14 might be a more... er... tolerable age so it doesn't look like a really naughty shouta-con.

Yes. It's not all Kyle/Cartman. Just the main relationship... the underlying current, mind you.

Ame no Chikara