One-shot One, Just Your Average Day
This'll be a compilation of one-shots I'll work on from time to time whenever I feel like it, or to help get over any cases of writer's block.
Hope you all enjoy reading this.
'Just your average day in Konoha.' lazily thought an ANBU one Monday morning.
He stood atop a tall building, doing nothing to hide himself from any observers, simply watching the civilians on the street below sleepily go about their morning routine. The ANBU wore a jacket, pants, gloves, all black and gray, with a mask depicting a dog on his face. He suddenly reached up, making a show of cupping his ear with his hand and leaning in the direction of a large group of angry voices, all swiftly growing louder.
Running around a corner, a small, four year-old boy ran with all his considerable might to get away from a chasing mob. The ANBU couldn't help but notice that, as a small girl ducked out of their way, the boy blubbered, cried, and shouted over his shoulder that he didn't want to be hurt, never did anything to them, was sorry, etcetera etcetera etcetera. For the millionth time since this job started, the ANBU couldn't help but be humbled at her amazing acting.
As the mob chased the suspiciously quick boy, a merchant who had been setting up shop in anticipation shouted, "Torches and pitchforks! Come one, come all and get your torches and pitchforks! Don't just be any old angry mob, be the classic angry mob!"
'Huh,' lazily thought the ANBU, noticing with his sharp eye that the weapons crates didn't have any seal of approval on them, 'that's new.'
The mob slowed as they passed the shop, looking relieved. Taking out their wallets or purses and handing the merchant money, they shouldered their weapons. They looked around for their quarry, quickly finding the blonde four year old, and didn't think to question the fact that the boy had waited patiently for them to get their torches and pitchforks.
And so the chase resumed.
The ANBU followed from the rooftops sedately, lazily hopping over the gaps made by streets and alleys. He idly examined the weapons the mob had picked this time, dozens of pointy pitchforks (a classic), dozens of lit torches (why on this god-awful hot morning?), and the odd, comically-oversized cleaver being waved around like a baton (how are they even lifting those things?).
The boy expertly weaved through the streets, brushing by person after person and leaving them with the odd feeling they missed something. The mob, meanwhile, didn't have to worry about any sort of finesse, as everyone in the street parted to make room for them so they could go by unhindered. When the mob and boy turned the next corner, all the civilians in the street shook their heads sadly.
Just your average day in Konoha.
The boy ran down the oddly quiet street, unhindered by any mesh of people. He tearfully teased the crowd, slowly pulling ahead and making them think they'll lose him, and slowing down until he came within inches of their swung pitchforks, before speeding up again. The whiskered boy turned another corner, and almost broke down in tears when he saw a brick wall instead of a wide open street. He turned, looking for an escape route, only to back up against the wall when the crowd came around the corner, menacingly waving around their weapons.
"Looks like there's no more room for the demon boy to run!" chuckled the man that looked to be the leader, stepping forward out of the mob.
Behind him everyone laughed. The man turned to face the crowd, fat belly bouncing at the sudden movement, "Lets make sure the demon never runs again!" he shouted, thrusting his torch into the air.
Everyone copied his movements, making the watching ANBU think absently of sheep, before the man continued, "Who wants to do the honors!"
Immediately the crowd burst into noise, people pushing, shoving and shouting in hopes of being singled out. The leader rubbed his chin, squinting his eyes, before pointing to a mountain of a man in the back standing calmly, knowing he didn't need to do anything to stand out. The mountain shouldered his way to the front, a grin on his face and a disturbing gleam in his eye. Taking a proffered pitchfork from the leader, the man walked up to the cowering little boy and pointed it at him.
"This," he thundered lowly, "is for everyone you ever killed, Demon!" and thrust the farming tool at the boy's face.
If this had been a poorly thought out piece of fiction, this would be the dramatic moment when time would seem to slow as the the gleaming points came closer and closer to the boy's head. If this had been a poorly thought out piece of fiction, this would be when token goodguy/girl number three appeared out of nowhere to stop it millimeters from the boy's face. Fortunately this was not a poorly thought out piece of fiction, but real life. So, instead of time dilation and token goodguy/girl number three appearing out of nowhere, the formerly watching ANBU lazily blinked into existence before the mountain of a man, snatched the pitchfork from his hand, and bonked him on the side of the head with it, putting him on the ground.
Just your average day in Konoha.
"Maa," the ANBU drawled lazily, ignoring the mob for a moment and addressing his team, "whose idea was it to put the weapon's shop selling smuggled weapons along the route?" Most of his team appeared on the rooftops around the dead end alleyway. One, wearing a weasel mask raised his hand to claim credit.
The ANBU nodded, "Anyway," he cheerfully started, looking back at the crowd, "just what do you people think you're doing?"
As one, the leader, the mountain on the ground, and the mob behind the shouted, "Killing the Demon!"
One of the other ANBU made a gesture with his hands.
'One-hundred and three this time?' he thought, whipping out an orange covered book with a man chasing after a barely clad women on the front, 'Just enough to enact the group clause, if none of them change their minds.'
Behind the ANBU, the boy sniffled.
"What demon?" the ANBU cheerfully asked, nose in his book, "I see no demon anywhere, and I'm a ninja!"
"The demon is behind you!" shrieked a dim-witted harpy somewhere in the crowd, "You're protecting it when you don't know how dangerous it is, help us kill it!" she added, causing the mob to erupt in agreement.
The ANBU took his nose out of his book, looked behind him to see a shaking little boy, then eyed the crowd, "Now," he intoned, "I'm not sure if this boy's a demon, that's strictly academic at this point, because what I see is a illegal mob chasing after a little boy, trying to kill him, and making a public nuisance of themselves. Do you know how many noise complaints have been filed because of all your shouting and screaming? This is supposed to be a peaceful village, and we can't be peaceful if there are riots going on in the streets."
"You idiot!" screamed the leader, flailing his arms around, "Don't you understand if we don't kill this demon now, i-"
The man suddenly silenced, limply falling to the ground with a kunai sticking out of his eye-socket and a soft plop. The ANBU took no notice, continuing as if he was never interrupted, "If this boy really is a demon, don't you think it would be a good idea to not try killing him?" he asked cheerfully, ignoring the corpse at his feet, "After all, if he was a font of evil, hatred, murder, and a bunch of other stuff, don't you think he would be a little irked that us measly humans are trying, keyword trying, to hurt him?"
The crowd fell silent for a moment, the ANBU wondering if they'll actually give in peacefully, when someone in the crowd shouted, "Kill the Demon!"
The ANBU sighed, of course not.
"Right then," the ANBU in front of the boy cheerfully said, " first, I would like to remind you that this boy's name is Naruto, not Demon. Wave to the idiots Naruto."
The boy stiffened at the sound of his name, but nonetheless waved at the people that had previously screaming for his life.
"Secondly," the ANBU continued, ignoring the big man getting off the ground, grabbing his pitchfork, and walking around him to get to Naruto, "I would like to tell you that, as a Captain within the ANBU forces, I have the authorization of the Hokage to put criminals, traitors and other scum like you through military trials in the field and pronounce you guilty of any and all crimes you committed."
"Wait," said someone in the crowd, shockingly demonstrating a meager sense of intelligence, "don't you mean innocent or guilty?"
The ANBU captain shook his head, flipping a page to continue reading, 'Oh, Kurenai, you naughty vixen!' "Nope!" he cheerfully said aloud, "I said guilty! Now, your crimes against Konoha are as followed: one-hundred and two counts of causing a public disturbance..."
The huge man from before who tried to spear Naruto, walked closer and once again aimed at the boy with his pitchfork. The boy looked up, tears drying on his face, and said childishly, "Are we going to play?"
The nameless man nodded, "Yes," he answered, thrusting the pitchfork at Naruto's chest, "we're going to play."
In a suspicious display of skill, Naruto leaped up, deflecting the weapon and circling to the man's side. A kunai appeared in the boy's hand as he kicked the man in the back of the knee, making him fall to one side as Naruto wrapped one hand around his face, while the other used the blade to cut deep into his throat, spraying blood all over the brick wall.
The ANBU paused as he heard the commotion, then continued without missing a beat, "Like I said, one-hundred and one counts of causing a public disturbance, one-hundred and one counts of disrupting the market place, one-hundred and one counts of attacking a ninja in the employ of the Hokage, one-hundred and one counts of assault with intent to murder, one-hundred and one counts of screaming a village secret at the top of your lungs for all to hear, one-hundred and one counts of purchasing smuggled weaponry, one-hundred and one counts of violations of common sense, one-hundred and one counts of interrupting a diplomatic meeting taking place in the Hokage tower, one-hundred and one counts of interfering with a ninja's mission, one-hundred and one counts of treason, and one-hundred and one counts of forming an angry mob without a permit." he finished, flipping another page and thinking, 'Hmmnn, chocolate syrup AND whipped cream?'
"All pretty damning crimes, if you ask me," the ANBU captain lazily commented, "especially that last one. Now how do you plead? Guilty? Of course you do."
He gestured towards Naruto, cheerfully saying, "Cat, tell them what they've won."
Naruto vanished in a puff of smoke, replaced by a tall, leggy, brunette with a mane of hair, a cat mask on her face, and a form the ANBU captain had no qualms of ogling while in the team showers. She sped through a couple of hand-seals, holding the last one, then declared simply, "Death."
The entire crowd then inexplicably exploded in a shower of guts, blood, severed limbs and heads, bloody clothes, and brains.
'Hmmmn...' pondered the ANBU captain, idly flipping another page and flicking a bloody bra off his book, 'that sounds heavenly, I wonder if I can convince my girlfriend to try that with me?'
"Time?" he asked no-one in particular.
The rookie wearing a tiger mask looked at his watch, "Lord Hokage should have just finished taking Naruto out to ramen, Kakashi."
Kakashi Hatake flipped another page, waiting, 'Blood as a lubricant? Hmmm.'
"I mean, captain." the rookie belatedly corrected himself, wincing under his mask, "And sir, If I may ask a question?"
"Go ahead."
"Doesn't what we're doing seem... unethical?" the rookie asked, shuffling uncomfortably.
"Have you ever heard of Social Darwinism?" Kakashi asked, closing his book and putting it away.
"Uh... yeah, but what does that have to do with what we're doing? I mean, this is the fifth group today."
"Instead of weeding out the weak, we're weeding out the stupid." Kakashi responded, taking to the rooftops, "We're killing those who would think Naruto a demon of all things, and stupidly try to lynch him in the middle of the village, thinking we would just turn away and let them do it. We're making the village safer for icki-Narukins and smarter place. Besides," he added off-handedly, "if these civilians we're killing are trying to hurt a four-year old boy, I think its safe to say we should make sure they don't try to do the same with other children, like your daughter for instance." he commented, easily cementing the rookie's conviction they were doing the right thing.
He came to a stop on top of the next rooftop, waiting a moment for the rest of his team to catch up. "You all did well today," he started seriously, "the Hokage will be pleased with your performance. I'm giving you all the rest of the week off to do whatever you wish. Now excuse me while I go write a report on today's mission." he drawled lazily, vanishing in a puff of smoke.
Yep, just your average day in Konoha.
My thoughts on the oft-used cliché that everyone and their pet dogs beat, abuse, rape, try to murder, and form mobs to chase little Naruto from the day he's born in some stupid conviction that he's the incarnation of the Kyuubi, while somehow Sarutobi is completely powerless to stop the evil civvies and his occasional idiot ninja when he's the all powerful dictator of a village full of super sneaky, water dragon throwing super-soldiers that could massacre entire cities if so inclined.
Really folks, is it that hard to come up with something original and realistic when it comes to Naruto? Why just the other day I got a email from this site stating that a, cliché ridden, poorly thought out, grammar ignoring fanfic managed to acquire a legion of followers and get added to one of my favorite communities, all the while staring the cliched Sasukified, revenge-seeking Naruto.
I'm not the devout religious type, god help us all if the Naruto fandom doesn't improve- but enough of my rambling.
If any of you reading this find any of these oneshots inspiring you, feel free to use them to help you in your writing. All I ask in return is a heads up in the form of a PM or review, and a few mentions here and there that I got your muse kicking.