Trickery

by libratraveller

John turns insanely evil, his team has to turn him back.

Title: Trickery
Author: libratraveller
Rating: PG-13
Summary: John turns evil, his team has to turn him back.

They propelled John towards a sparkling throne where a man in lavender robes sat. The candle holders placed in the wall were made up of purple three-headed trolls. From the ceiling swung crocodiles with feather masks. Monstrous glass shells were placed at the four corners of the room, a disembodied voice whispering Shakespearian English sonnets, backwards.

A mushroom shaped stool slid under John as his knees wobbled and he crashed towards the floor. Little children appeared from the wings, scattering glitter in the air, most of it clumping in John's hair. Under his feet were hamsters break dancing while tying John's feet with twine.

"Welcome, John Leslie Sheppard, to my castle. I hope your stay guides you towards realizing your full potential as an evil overlord."

"Excuse me?" John flicked away the hands of the birds attempting to tie his wrists. "You call this a castle? It's made of cans!"

"Be that as it may, but it is mine, and you will respect both my builder, Clyde, and my interior designer, Wilbur."

"Fine. What exactly are your plans for me?" His wrists tied, he could only gesture with his eyebrows.

"I am looking for someone to replace me within the next 15 minutes, and you seemed like a viable candidate."

"Let me see if I have this straight, you tie me up and then expect me to take over as the ruler of these… people."

"Exactly, now we need to decide a few things, such as how you will be addressed. I'm thinking your middle name will do nicely, perhaps, 'My lady, Leslie'. Yes, that will work."

"Oh god, shoot me now."

"As for how things will run here, you must pick someone to serve your managerial needs as well as your sexual ones."

"Rodney. He's back there with the yellow fairies. He'll serve me." John spoke up, then stopped realizing what he had just agreed to.

"Very well. That is all I have time to figure out, my bus is here, good day." With that, John was in charge, and the ties immediately disappeared. John jumped up onto the throne and laughed in pure delight.

Children wearing orange leotards pulled Rodney into the blue lighted room. "Get your grubby hands off me."

John kneeled up on the throne balancing with his hands out to the side. "Come now Rodney, I thought you would want a closer look at our new crib?"

Rodney obediently looked around. Covering the wall of cans were tapestries with butterflies and flowers sponged in with rainbow colors. In two zigzag lines potted cacti sat with hanging macaroni ornaments. Then he turned his head towards John, who stood with his feet on each of the arm rests, no longer wearing his BDUs, but instead a pale yellow poncho over his plaid t-shirt and denim skirt. "Are you out of your mind?"

"Come now, don't you like it?" John grinned maniacally.

"Well, there is a certain uniqueness to the place…" Rodney picked up a starry beach ball the hamsters had been tossing back and forth.

"Great. You're my new manager." John plopped down and crossed his ankles.

"Manager?" Rodney tossed the ball to the girl with the silver painted face.

"Yes, it will be your goal to do whatever I tell you, as well as fulfilling my other needs."

"I see. I'll be right back." Quickly tiptoeing back out of the room, Rodney tried to ignore the gleeful sounds behind him. After passing the door, Rodney sprinted back to the cell where Teyla and Ronon were being held.

"Guys, we have a problem."

John pranced down the hall barefoot through the mounds of sand and past huge red-beaded scorpions crawling from holes in the wall. As he entered the room with the cell he called out, "Rodney…"

Rodney heard John and swiftly turned around, attempting to lean casually against the bars made of steel with colored yarn circled around them. "Yes?"

"It's time we fitted you into your new uniform." John grinned "You're going to love it."

Ronon cleared his throat. "Sheppard?"

"Call me, Lady Leslie." John stood straight then suddenly curtsied. Ronon could only stare at John's attire.

"My Lady," Teyla spoke up. "Is there a reason we are still being held captive, if you are in fact in charge, are we not your guests?"

"Oh absolutely. Want a tour?" John ran to the side wall and grabbed the key the turquoise monkey handed him.

"We would love one." Teyla pulled Ronon back from the door as John turned the key and let them out. When Ronon moved his arm as if to knock John down, Teyla intervened by placing herself in front of him. "Please show us your new…"

"Palace." John grinned. "Isn't this great? I'm the ruler and you have to see the children, my new subjects." John linked arms with Teyla and Ronon and began to leave the room.

"John?" Rodney questioned. When John did not respond, he added, "Lady Leslie?"

"Yes, oh assistant of mine?" John turned back and glanced at him.

"What am I going to be wearing?" Rodney grimaced when John's eyes lit up.

"Get this, they're black robes with a hood. Just go down the hall and take the first left, then up the fountain stairs, and the second door on the right; the blue painted children will get your size." John then turned around and skipped down the hall, dragging Teyla and Ronon with him.

"Great, robes."

John jumped up and down on his throne after making the children do handstands. Ronon and Teyla sat on rugs made of horse hair. Rodney treaded forward in his black sequined robes, frowning all the while.

"You're here, just in time, I just taught the girls and boys to sing 'Row your boat'." John leaped off the throne and stood in the middle of the aisle. He then conducted with his hands.

They sang, "Row row row your boat, gently down the stream…"

Teyla and Ronon covered their ears at the horrendous singing. John continued smiling, and Rodney sighed, disgusted. He spied a clip board hanging off of one of the candles on the wall. He picked it up and noticed that the paper was blank.

"My lady…" Rodney shouted over the singing.

John stopped conducting and the children closed their mouths and returned to their feet. "Yes, Rodney?"

"What's the agenda for the day?" Rodney wiped his forehead, the robes were stifling.

"Oh, don't you know, it's your job to make it up." John walked backwards before slumping in his seat.

"Right. I see. Then the first order of business, is…. lunch." Rodney smiled.

"Perfect." John turned towards the children. "Bring me, my assistant, and our guests, food."

The children rushed to do his bidding. Soon enough they were pushing blue carts full of covered dishes. A yellow face painted girl picked up the lid of the largest dish, and inside was a neon green octopus. Dead of course.

"I'm going to be sick, that smells awful." Rodney covered his mouth with his hand.

"It looks intriguing," Teyla said while holding her nose.

Ronon smiled. "This looks good." He broke part of one of its legs and chomped down on it.

John grinned while watching Ronon. "Now that's what I like to see." Another girl, this time her face painted red, opened the next dish, white balls of dough, sprinkled with shaved chocolate.

"Heaven." Rodney said as he ate them. Teyla also enjoyed them.

Soon they were all full, the other dishes being a standard meat on that planet, and the drink being something similar to goat's milk. John had the children clear away the dishes. "Now, entertainment."

Out came the turquoise monkeys carrying violins and keyboards. They began to play and soon the children were sleeping, while Rodney made notations on the clip board. Ronon and Teyla whispered to each other ideas of how to make John snap out of it. John clapped when the music stopped, then left to his bedroom for a nap.

Rodney, Teyla, and Ronon sat on bean bags the children had brought them before going to their rooms to sleep. So they were alone, and this was the perfect time to try and figure out what was wrong with John.

"Is it just me or has Sheppard gone bonkers?" Ronon asked this while petting one of the hamsters.

"He does not seem himself," Teyla agreed. She swatted away the bird trying to put twigs in her hair.

"That's an understatement. He is crazy and we need to figure out what made him this way." Rodney stared at the clip board with a feather pen in his hand. His mind was trying to figure out what needed to be done to keep a palace up and running. He also hoped he could have more input into what they were fed in the future.

"Maybe it's this place." Ronon's hands sweep out to indicate beyond the room. "I mean, this world is more than a little strange."

"Yes yes, but we're still sane, so it had to be something that occurred after we were separated." Rodney put the clip board down after writing 'wash the faces of the children', as they looked silly with the paint on.

"It must be some sort of chemical, we need to get him back to Atlantis, and have Carson check him out." A monkey came up to Teyla with a brush in its hand. Teyla started to rub the brush against its fur.

"How are we supposed to convince him to go to Atlantis?" Rodney's eyes twitched just imagining the conversation.

"We could always just knock him out and carry him." Ronon's lips curved up.

"Oh, and you don't think we'll be swarmed by the children and hamsters and monkeys and birds and whatever else lives here, if we tried to attack him?" Rodney looked at Ronon with disdain.

"Okay, maybe it's a bad idea." Ronon conceded. "But we have to think of something."

Teyla shrugged. "In time, I'm sure we will come up with a plan."

In sleep, John's boisterous movements finally stilled. He dreamed about being back on Atlantis, running the halls in his regular clothes. Soon enough he woke up and his eyes blazed with a superb plan. He stood up and went to his armoire, inside he found a flowery dress in blues and yellows. On a nightstand he picked up a wig of long blond flowing hair. Putting both of them on, he then went into the bathroom and shaved his face.

Finally looking presentable, John bounced out the door and down a daffodil covered staircase. He entered his throne room and noticed Rodney fallen asleep on the floor, Ronon and Teyla watching over him. "Rodney! Get up. I have an idea."

Rodney stirred then raised his head to squint at John. "I'm up Colonel." Then he stared at John's dress and blue open toed sandals. "I mean, my lady."

John grinned. "We're going to have a matinee outdoors and I want you to invite guests."

"Invite who?" Rodney wiped a hand over his face to wake himself up.

"The Genii and the Manarian. They deserve a treat, don't you think?" John could not stop smiling while the others gave him funny looks.

"And how am I suppose to invite them as they would surely recognize me?" Rodney's head started hurting trying to figure out what was up with John.

"Send the birds as messengers, the former ruler I am sure has had dealings with them, they will come." With that John whistled, calling for the children.

"All right then." Rodney stood up on his feet and wrote two messages, both saying:

'To our special guests, the Lady Leslie is holding a matinee on Planet Whimsical, and wishes your presence.'

Rodney then held out his hand and two birds immediately flew down onto his arm. Rodney walked out of the palace and down to the gate, sending the birds to the Genii and Manarian home worlds.

Rodney returned to the palace made of cans, a little trepid and clueless as to what John had in mind. The last thing Rodney wanted was to see people from those planets, both traitorous. Still, he felt he could only humor John in his insanity until Carson got a look at him. The last thing he wanted was John to turn the monkeys against him.

It was with surprise that he found John, in his dress, waiting for him. "There you are, I need to tell you something."

"What?" Rodney scratched his arm where the birds' talons had scraped him.

"Come with me to my room." John started walking up the stairs, that besides growing the weeds, had roses blooming.

"Okay, we're here, what do you want to tell me?" Rodney tried to keep the bite out of his voice, concentrating on the Styrofoam flying fishes hanging from the ceiling.

"We need to discuss the other part of your job." John leered at him.

Rodney coughed. "And what is that exactly?"

"The satisfying of my sexual needs." John grinned as Rodney shuddered.

"Right. That sounds fun. I just need to go get something, so if you don't mind I'll be back." Rodney hurriedly backed out the door.

"Hurry!" John yelled as Rodney bolted down the stairs.

Rodney nearly tripped over the dancing hamsters as he looked around trying to find something, anything, to get out of what John was implying. Now, don't get him wrong, Rodney would love to sleep with John, but John was insane, and in a dress! So no, he had to come up with a plan.

That was when he spotted it. He quickly ran back up the stairs where John was lying with his dress pulled up, exposing the boxers he wore. "Right, here you go, that ought to do it." Rodney handed John a block of wood, while smirking. "Now, if there's anything else, I'll just be setting up the stage. Did you ever figure out what play you wanted the children to perform?"

John sighed dejectedly as he looked at the wood. Then he processed Rodney's question and grinned. "We're going to perform 'Othello', our guests get to play the leading roles."

Rodney squinted his eyes, wondering what John could possibly be thinking. "Okay then, I'll be busy, so see you later." Rodney walked out of the room, hoping John would not call him back.

The sun was bright, reflecting off of white grass. Rodney had found planks of wood that the fairies had been guarding. He threw sand at them and they scattered. The children then used the wood to build a stage.

John sat on a stool outside, dressed in his normal pants and shirt, and without a wig, but his legs were crossed at the knees. Ronon and Teyla, with disgusted looks on their faces, were fanning John with leafy branches from the maroon trees making up the forest a few minutes away from the palace. Rodney had the children making the set. He also wrote out the scripts for their guests.

Soon enough the gate activated and Cowen and his wife stepped through it. They walked forward towards the stage. Cowen looked at John in surprise. "Sheppard?"

"Call me Leslie. McKay, give them their scripts." John waved his hand at Rodney. Rodney quickly handed the black paper with white ink to them.

Cowen pulled his wife towards the stage and they sat on it and read their lines.

Fifteen minutes later the gate activated again and Smeadon and his wife walked through. They were also shocked to see Sheppard but took their scripts without a word.

Rodney stood up thinking they had had enough time memorizing their lines. He was about to speak when John raised his hand, signaling the children, who then threw glitter at Cowen, Smeadon, and their wives. Rodney squinted in confusion, shook his head and spoke up. "It is hot out here so we're going to just perform the last scene of William Shakespeare's 'The Tragedy of Othello, The Moor of Venice'. I also have simplified the lines because I doubt you're intelligent enough to understand Shakespeare."

The birds pulled up a moon and flapped their wings to keep it up. Cowen stepped up on the stage with his wife. "You've betrayed me wife, sleeping with others."

His wife, "No, Othello."

"I shall kill you, Desdemona, to stop your prostituting." Cowen ran the sword the children handed him into his wife.

Smeadon's wife stepped onto the stage. "You killed my lady when it is my husband who has deceived you."

Smeadon stepped on the stage. "Emilia, you dumb woman." He stabbed her with a dagger the children handed him.

She fell to the ground with Cowen's wife.

Cowen rushed towards Smeadon. "You made me kill my wife, Iago." The children held him back from killing Smeadon. "I shall kill myself then so I may be with her." Cowen stabbed himself and lay next to his wife.

Smeadon started to walk off the stage and then a monkey flew down with an axe and hit him in the back.

Rodney, Teyla and Ronon could only look on in shock as the blood flew from all four bodies.

John jumped up and began clapping happily. "Wonderful! Okay, Simon," he addressed the monkey. "Chop off all their heads, then the children will shrink them and put the heads on my mantle in the throne room." He then began walking back to the palace, a gleam of satisfaction in his eyes.

Wind chimed through the palace as the children trooped in carrying the shrunken heads by their hair. While his team had been standing outside in either shock or disgust, John had directed the birds to cut down the crocodiles and replace them with squealing pigs.

The girls and boys placed the heads on a wooden mantle John had put behind his throne. The faces were locked in surprise and acceptance. John danced around the room singing, "Go tell Aunt Rhody, the old grey goose is dead."

Ronon lumbered through the doors, knocking them against the wall. "Sheppard!"

John twirled, "She died in the millpond, from standing on her head."

Teyla calmly spoke, "John?"

"The goslins are crying, because their mammy's dead." He jumped up on the shell in the corner. "The gander is weeping, because his wife is dead."

Rodney screamed, "Colonel!"

"Go tell Aunt Rhody…" John slid back down.

In frustration they all yelled, "Lady Leslie!"

John stopped. "Yes?"

Ronon stepped forward. "I challenge you to a duel."

"Oh really?" John smiled. "I'd love to, but I'm busy redecorating."

"Now Sheppard," Ronon growled.

"If you insist. But what are the rules?" John pondered. "How about this, you decide the outcome for whoever wins, if I get to choose the weapon."

"Fine," Ronon hissed.

"So the outcome?" John lounged on his throne.

Rodney stepped forward. "If Ronon wins, you come back with us to Atlantis and let Carson treat you."

"And if I win?" John smirked.

Teyla spoke up. "If you win, we'll help you with anything you desire."

"Fair enough. The weapons are…. umbrellas, from those cocktail drinks. One a piece." John snapped his finger at a girl, who ran to get them.

Ronon just blinked, then looked at Rodney, cocking his head.

Rodney opened his mouth, and then shook his head, turning to John. "You really are a fruitcake aren't you?"

John decided to add a twist, and though Rodney wanted to argue the point, Teyla elbowed him. So the children were filling up a plastic kiddy pool with water, while Ronon went into a room and put on a loin cloth and John dressed himself in Bugs Bunny boxers and a black cape.

Rodney made the children stop with the water half way, not wanting the water to get all over the new violet colored carpeting.

When John and Ronon walked out from behind the curtains, Rodney barked out a laugh at John's boxers, and Teyla blushed while looking at Ronon appreciatively. Then Ronon tripped over a hamster, and the children saw perhaps more than they were old enough to see.

Rodney covered the nearest girl's eyes. "Alright, we're going to do this right. Get in the pool, carefully and no splashing before the bell rings." A monkey was holding a bell and stick to hit it with.

Ronon and John stepped into the pool, John smiling crazily, and Ronon with a feral grin. A boy handed both of them a yellow cocktail umbrella. They both put it between their thumb and forefinger, twirling it menacingly.

"Ground rules, no poking each other in the eyes, mouth, or ears. No attacks below the waist, and most importantly, to end the fight, you must call Uncle." Rodney gestured to the monkey who rang the bell.

Ronon crouched down as John lunged forward, skimming over Ronon's head. Ronon then poked John in the chest, leaving a red mark. John leaned down prodding Ronon's arm that came up to block him. On and on it went, both of them jabbing each other so they had little red dots marking their stomachs and arms.

Rodney muttered, "Carson will think they have Chicken pox."

Teyla commented softly, "I wish we had those cameras of yours to record this, no one will believe us."

"Probably for the best, when John's normal again, he'd kill us. You don't think he'll kill us if he wins, do you?" Rodney's eyes widened in horror.

"I'm sure inside he cares about us enough not to harm us." Teyla patted Rodney's arm to calm him.

"Right." They were diverted from their conversation as Ronon in a bizarre move shoved the umbrella up John's nose. "I forgot nose, didn't I?"

John yelped, "Uncle!" Ronon grinned. "Please, I can't get it out."

Ronon watched his struggles in surprise.

Rodney looked at John, "Crap. I guess we really need Carson." Rodney grabbed John's arms to stop him from making it worse. "Teyla, get a bag of that glitter from the children, I'm almost positive that is what's causing John's insanity."

Together with glitter in hand, they helped John to the gate. Before entering, John looked back at his palace wistfully.

Elizabeth Weir and Major Lorne stood still in shock as the team walked through the gate. Lorne snickered at Rodney's shining robe, Ronon's loincloth, and John's Bugs Bunny boxers and cape. Teyla simply looked exasperated. All of them carried their packs.

Elizabeth walked up to them, "Where have you four been?"

Teyla spoke up, "We need medical attention for Colonel Sheppard."

Lorne glanced at John, "I got it." And he called for a medical team on his comm.

"While we wait, please tell me what has happened." Elizabeth tried to glare down Rodney's smirk.

Ronon shook his head. "Well, when we first arrived on the planet, we didn't notice anything strange, except the grass. We were walking around when these large-"

"Huge-" Rodney added.

"Creatures came running-" Ronon blinked, remembering.

"Hopping-" Teyla clarified.

"Towards us. We shot at them to scare them but they didn't move. They herded us towards this building-" Ronon gestured.

"Castle-" Rodney interrupted.

"Made of circular-" Ronon made the shape with his hands.

"Cans." Teyla explained.

"And then these small people-" Ronon lowered his hand.

"Children, definitely children." Rodney snorted.

"With these green-" Ronon shuddered.

"Turquoise." Teyla said.

"Monkeys, came at us with these axes and ran us into a cell. Then Sheppard was separated from us. Eventually, he let us out telling us he was the ruler now." Ronon almost told Elizabeth the name John wanted to be addressed by but kept it in.

Rodney gestured to Teyla. "We think this glitter got on him and changed Sheppard's behavior. Nothing bad happened to us, and Cowen, Smeadon and their wives were killed during a Shakespeare production."

Elizabeth could only stare with her mouth open. Carson and a team came in and took John away to the infirmary along with the bag of glitter. As John went down the hallway, he was heard muttering, "I hope the children remember to give the bunnies baths."

After John was given a clean bill of health, he went to Rodney's quarters to apologize. He knocked on the door, hearing a tune being sung from within. Rodney opened the door, surprised to see John.

"Why are you here, and you're no longer crazy right?" Rodney backed up just in case.

"No, I am as sane as I ever was." John smiled gently.

"So not much." Rodney smirked. "So you're here because…?"

"I wanted to apologize, for making unreasonable demands of you." John sat in the chair at the desk, Rodney sitting on the bed.

"Oh, which demands would those be?" Rodney was not going to make this easy.

"All of them, but especially the," John coughed. "Sexual ones."

"I've been meaning to ask, why did you choose me? The fairies said that I was specifically chosen to be your assistant." Rodney wrinkled his forehead trying to figure it out.

"Well, you're the smartest, but it was because I didn't want anyone else to touch me. And I kind of like you." John blushed.

"Oh." Rodney decided to change the subject. "They sent a MALP through to the planet a half hour after we returned. There was nothing there, no palace made of cans or anything."

"Really? It just disappeared?" John could only shrug at this information.

"Just another mystery. Speaking of mysteries, wherever did you come up with the idea of being addressed as Lady Leslie?" Rodney looked at John earnestly.

"It's my middle name, it was my Grandmother's. And it was the evil overlord who had us captured that decided that I should go by Lady. And please tell me neither you, Teyla or Ronon are going to spread that around?" John pleaded.

"It'll be our secret." Rodney promised.

"Now what? Do you accept my apology?" John was hoping that they could still be friends.

"You don't need to apologize, unless you continue staying over there and don't get your arse over here." Rodney smiled.

As soon as it hit John what Rodney meant, he launched himself on top of Rodney, kissing him soundly. Neither of them heard the deep laughs coming from the ceiling, nor the whispered, "You did well, my lady.