TITLE: Christmas, The Beginning Of A New Life
AUTHOR: VIDZ
PAIRING: Harm/Jen
TIMELINE: AU S9, Christmas 2003, there's no Mattie and Harm is still with the Agency
DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc of the TV show JAG are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author of this fic. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended
AUTHOR'S NOTES: you know, I actually deliberated whether to scrap this fic or not, it's been laying unfinished on my hard drive for a long time before I took it in my hands and finished it.
SUMMARY: When Harm visits the Wall on Christmas 2003 he doesn't know it's the end of his old life and the beginning of a new one.
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It'd been exactly 34 years since a family's life had been changed. 34 years since pater familias of the Rabb family had been shot down and was declared Missing In Action.
34 years since a small boy had stopped believing in Santa Claus and any higher beings. How could he have still continued on believing when his father had been shot down on Christmas Eve? How he could still continue believing when his world had been destroyed on a religious holiday? There could be no God if things like these and worse happened in the world. Or there was a God and he was a damn cruel sadist.
This boy, a man now, was right this second staring at a black stone wall, with his finger tracing the letters that comprised his father's name. His own name.
He'd stopped wishing his father would come home a long time ago, knowing there was no Santa Claus to make his wish come true, yet he still felt an ache that his father had left.
When he'd heard those awful words 'there will never be an us' Harm had stopped dreaming, wishing and hoping for love and personal happiness alltogether.
He'd spent the first few days after his return home planning out his life, determined to forget 'her' and the aching hole where his heart had been. The heart she'd torn out of his chest, chewed up, spit out, spit ON and trampled on for good measure.
He'd been determined not to follow his first instinct - to drink himself stupid. She wasn't worthy of "mourning" after her by destroying himself with alcohol. He wouldn't give her the satisfaction of her completely destroying him, not for anything in the world.
He'd had a life to plan out, a life to live, and he'd been determined to do it. Without her. He'd been determined she would not break him.
He'd been determined to prevail and prevailed he had.
He'd moved on from the woman he had never thought would hurt him so much, in such a way, yet she had and did not even show remorse, by finding some kind of contentment in his job, but more importantly in his new partnership. Which was, strangely, yet again with a woman. Why did he always have women for partners? Why never men? They would be much easier and better to work with...
His work with the Agency was challenging, something he liked. After having his face shown on TV following the C-130 carrier-landing he'd been delegated to testing experimental aircraft and missions during which he'd never come in a situation where the op would've been blown by someone recognizing him as an Agency operative.
The work was challenging, but not fulfilling. The people he met and worked with were ruthless, goal oriented, merciless, without compassion and anything good in them and in case something went wrong he was constantly in danger his employer would abandon him, deny any ties to him, and leave him behind.
He'd been left behind so many times.
Harm knew he wasn't cut out to be a spook, he was simply too honest, compassionate, merciful, even with things he'd done too pure and good for the job, he was nothing like the other agents, who differed from the people they fought only in that they carried a badge.
The CIA called their opponents terrorists, but weren't CIA agents terrorists as well? To other countries they no doubt were. The work they did, the coups they executed and financed, the deliberate destruction of foreign countries' economies they engaged in, the bringing down of governments they were responsible for, wasn't that all the work of terrorists and insurgents? Were they really any better than Al-Quaeda or Hamas or R.A.F.? Ironically, the exact terrorist groups the CIA financed, armed and trained once to fight America's enemies and that were now the enemy of their former employer. Both sides were using the same tactics, the same principles, the only thing they differed in was that each was fighting for their own side.
His job was eating away at him, destroying him slowly and surely, but Harm was yet to find the reason to stop it, to save himself, to get out of it, leave the Agency and to really start living again.
He didn't know it, but this Christmas would save his life.
"Bye, Dad, see you next year." he traced his father's name with his fingertip one last time before leaving. Abruptly whirling around he almost mowed down the petite person standing behind him.
"Jen?" he exclaimed surprised to see Petty Officer Jennifer Coates standing before him.
"Sir." greeted the Petty Officer respectfully.
Harm shook his head, still a little dazed by the sudden appearance of the young woman, the reminder of a life he'd left behind months ago "Harm, Jen. I'm not Navy anymore, remember?" he chided her gently.
"Harm then." Jen aquiesced, smiling softly, her eyes brighter than he'd ever seen them.
Why had he never before noticed this young Petty Officer had the most amazing eyes he'd ever seen, eyes he could drown in, and curves more delicious than any other woman he knew? Or had he always known that, but had refused to let himself really notice them? Finally realizing he was gazing into those gorgeous deep pools of molten chocolate almost like a lovesick teenager, Harm collected himself with difficulty.
"What are you doing here?" off the wounded look in her eyes he hastily explained "I mean, I thought you were at the service with the rest of the staff?"
"You know me and religion, sir. We just don't mix." she said lightly, her tone hiding an age-old pain. Yet Harm was the only person in the world who really knew her and the light tone didn't fool him. Having met Jen's father and knowing the story of Jen's life and what kind of man her father, a man of god, was like, he understood Jen's aversion to anything religious better than anyone else.
"Does the Admiral know you're not going to show up?" Harm asked her worriedly "The whole staff is always invited to the service."
That was the part causing Harm concern. An invitation from your commanding officer is in the military in reality a thinly veiled order to attend. You need to have a damned good reason to skip it or you can kiss your next promotion goodbye, plus you will get punished in other ways as well, in the form of menial and sometimes humiliating duties.
"I told him I'm spending Christmas Eve with family." was Jen's nonchalant reply, her eyes boring into him, burning with a strange light.
Harm took a second to process her words, a flag immediately popping up "Somehow I have the feeling you and your father haven't made up yet." It was a statement, not a question.
"No, we haven't." she shrugged, the emotionless mask that slipped on her face at the mention of her only remaining parent being belied by the slight waver in her voice. Then cautiously, unsure of his reaction, she dared to reveal her real reason "I didn't go because I knew you would be here tonight."
Harm refused to admit his heart skipped a beat at that, but could not deny it felt nice to know he meant something to someone, that someone honestly cared about him, not because he was their child and it was in the job description, but because they wanted to care about him.
"But I'm not family." he still reminded her.
"My mother always said that families come in lots of different packages." his objection was rejected by her soft reply.
Harm noticed the wistful, sad tone "She must've been an amazing woman." he commented compassionately, knowing the pain intimately.
"Yes, she was." Jen sniffled slightly, the memory of her mother as always bringing tears to the fore. Reaching out Harm gently squeezed her slim forearm, causing her to smile gratefully at him. If there was one person who understood and shared her pain then it was Harm. It was just one of the many things they had in common, things that made up the strong, thick steel-cable that was bonding them together
"I still miss her. I always will." she then collected herself and plowed ahead "She was right and you are still family to me."
Harm didn't know what to say to that so he fell back on what had always served him to express his emotions, except for when it came to Mac. Since every other woman had always understood what he was trying to say he'd deduced long ago that the fault didn't lie with him, but with Mac. His hand contracted tenderly one more time around her forearm before he withdrew it, the look in his eyes at the same time thanking her and returning the sentiment. Actions had always served him better than words when trying to convey his emotions.
Making a swift decision, unaware it was one that would change his life forever, Harm put his arm around Jen's slim shoulders and aimed them towards the parking lot where he'd left his car "You must be cold, what do you say we go to my place and I fix us something to eat? Neither of us has to spend this evening alone."
Jen sniffled one last time and wiped tears off her cheeks, before agreeing readily. She was cold and she needed warmth. Not just physically.
Besides, she wouldn't mind the chance to spend a couple more hours in his company, she'd always cherished and valued it highly. Snuggling deeper into his one-armed embrace Jen took advantage of Harm's size and heat to protect her from the bitingly cold wind. And after the wind calmed down Jen felt just too nice and warm pressed against Harm to want to move away. While the freedom that comes with being single is nice, times like this one made it known that being a part of a couple can still be much better. Again she felt a pang of loneliness and wondered whether she'd ever have that and, more importantly, whether she'd ever have that with Harm, the only man she'd ever loved.
Looking at him over the dinner table felt so right to Jen, as if this was where they were meant to be, where they'd always been meant to be. Sharing dinner regularly, only the two of them, in the intimate atmosphere of two people in a relationship.
Was this merely a sample taste of what it could be for them?
Could they have this, and more, for the rest of their lives?
Jen knew this was one of those rare moments that are perfect for going after your dearest wishes and desires, and she acted instinctively.
Bridging the small gap between them, Jen was in front of him in less than a second. She paused for only a sliver of a moment before taking Harm's lips in a hesitant, yet emotion-filled kiss that nonetheless screamed of her inexperience in this area.
Harm, overwhelmed by the assault of sensations and feelings this amazing young woman obviously had the talent to bring out in him, gave in immediately. His large hands gripped her slim, firm hips and he guided her onto his lap. Following his directions Jen straddled him in his seat, her new position giving Harm a better angle to plunder her mouth. Jen struggled to keep up and learn at the same time. She was alternately pissed she couldn't be more experienced for him to provide him a more pleasurable experience, and glad over the fact because this way it was HARM teaching her, guiding her on her first venture into this unknown territory.
Things were getting heated and Jen was clumsily trying to undo his shirt buttons, as her soft, warm jean-clad core rubbed harshly against his hard bulge, when Harm broke through the haze of desire and realized where this was going. More importantly, just how fast this was going.
He froze suddenly and when Jen pulled back, puzzled over the sudden halt to their activities, she was met with wide, terrified eyes.
"Harm? What's wrong?"
It took her a minute to connect the dots and the picture wasn't pretty. It all made sense now. Mac's new relationship with Webb, her blase attitude towards Harm's absence, Harm's rejection of Chegwidden's offer, Harm's fear when facing another relationship,... Harm had obviously had his heart broken recently. Not just broken, but shattered, and Jen knew of only one woman capable of doing that to this man. He was afraid it would happen to him again if he gave in and got involved with Jen. He couldn't have been more wrong even if he tried, Jen would rather die than do that to him, to them. Jen would do anything and everything in her power to make sure they would never lose each other for the rest of their lives, especially not after coming this far, she just had to make that known to Harm.
She knew she had to get through to him before Harm could erect those walls back up again and, with a desperation she'd never known before, she grabbed his dear face into her small hands and fought for them, hoping she'd be able to break through to him and banish his fears and insecurities, heal the damage another woman had wrought upon him.
"Harm, this is me, Jen. I'm not Mac, I love you.. I won't hurt you. I won't break you. I won't betray you. I won't leave you behind. I won't ever drop you for another man. I'll never EVER let you go." Jen vowed fiercely, sincerity and love shining in her expressive brown eyes "But I will love you to my last breath. I will be there for you, help you heal and I will stand by your side through everything life throws at us and never waver, always support you. For better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and health, till death do us part."
She took a big risk including wedding vows, this early in a relationship they could make any man or woman run, but she also knew it was right. Marriage is just a legal and ceremonial wrapping of what Jen was pledging, namely tieing yourself to one person for life, loving and cherishing them, sticking with them through the bad and the good, never wavering, being true and faithful, till death does you part? And even after that? Jen knew she was the type of person who would stay true to Harm even after they were parted by death and she knew he was the same. They were like wolves and like humans were originally, they mated once and that for life.
Settling even more on his thighs to make sure he wouldn't go anywhere, Jen's own tightened around his hips as the hold her small hands had on his cheeks tightened; demanding, imploring him to believe her
"Just let me love you." she finished softly, silently begging him to give them a chance for the life and happiness she knew they could achieve together.
The time it took for Harm to decide were the longest and scariest in Jen's young life.
She honestly didn't know what she'd do if he said 'no', how she'd take it, how she'd survive without her heart, because it would break for sure.
She held still in her position while Harm's stormy eyes, unfocused, stared right through her. Finally, after 34 seconds with no answer, her shoulders slumped and she tried to leave his lap with as much dignity as she could, planning on finding the darkest corner to try to gather up the remains of her shattered heart and lick her wounds, when Harm's strong arms took hold of her firm hips and stopped her escape attempt. Before she knew what was going on Harm's lips were on hers and her brain short-circuited, while her heart screamed in joy, relief and happiness. She knew it was still far too early for them, as individuals and as a couple, to make their brand-new relationship physical, knew they'd stop before it got that far, so she just let herself enjoy the kiss and pressed herself tighter against him.
As he was drowning in their kiss, floating on the ocean of emotions and feelings it evoked, Harm, knowing he'd made the right choice, became aware of a single, greater truth.
He had finally come home.
Next Christmas Harm and Jen visited the Wall together, their hands intertwined on Jen's belly, still flat with their baby only three months along, as Harm stood behind her, shielding her with his body, their simple matching golden bands shining in the street lights.
All the years after that their children came with them to talk to their grandfather.
Harm doesn't need to wish or dream now.
For his life is better than any dream possible.
"This is for you to sign, sir." Jen said as she unloaded a stack of files on Chegwidden's desk "And this is your mail." unloading another stack of files "If that is all, sir, I have things to deliver to LT Roberts as well."
"Dismissed." ordered the Admiral, already engrossed in his mail, having decided to sign the redtape later.
There wasn't much, so he got through it quickly and was about to put the last envelope's contents away to start on the paperwork when he froze.
Wait a minute!
Pulling the paper back in front of his eyes he checked to make sure and was astounded to find it was.
This was an invitation to a wedding!
The shy, diminutive Petty Officer Jennifer Coates was getting MARRIED!?
Why hadn't he even known she'd been seeing someone for months? More than that, why hadn't he known she was engaged? Was he really that bad of a Commanding Officer, too self-involved, to give a damn about his subordinates? Had he asked his subordinates that, he wouldn't have liked the answer...
Wait a minute! Who was she marrying anyway?
Jen was halfway across the bullpen, the invitations clutched to her chest as her measured steps safely ate the distance, when the call came.
"YOU'RE MARRYING RABB!?" the Admiral's yell echoed throughout the building.
All activity in the bullpen stopped, dead silence descending upon the room as everywhere else in the HQ whispering and intense speculations as to who was marrying the fomer CDR Rabb began.
Jennifer froze mid-step in the direction of Bud's office, the invitations clutched strongly in her grasp.
Oh. Damn.
Her shoulders stiffened and she could feel her face go red as she became acutely aware of being the center of everyone's attention.
As she slowly turned back around she noticed Bud and Mac coming out of their offices, curious what was going on.
"Yes, sir?" was her meek reply, more of a question than an answer.
"You are actually getting married to the former Commander Rabb?" repeated the Admiral to make sure.
This time Jen's voice was stronger "Yes, sir!" she confirmed. After all, why shouldn't she be proud that she was marrying THE Harmon Rabb and taking him off the market forever?
She got her notice that this conversation should've taken place inside the Admiral's office as she noticed out of the corner of her eye Mac's eyes first grow wide, then narrow with fire as steam started coming out of her ears.
Uh. Oh.
The rest of the staff could keep quiet no more and whispering started. The heat in Jen's face increased and, deciding that flight was a much better option than to stay and fight, she quickly walked over to Bud and pushed his and Harriet's invitations into his hands, then quickly disappeared out the double door.
30 seconds later, hiding in a locked stall in the ladies' bathroom, Jen decided she shouldn't have been surprised how a simple task of inviting someone to her wedding had gone so wrong.
It was a Rabb/Coates plan after all.
Though, even with their luck she knew she wouldn't have it any other way.
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