Sorry for any mistakes. Wrote this at 2am :)
Have you ever felt so alone that you would rather be dead? It's not like I didn't know this mission was suicide from the start. Me and Malachi said it so many times, I never really believed it till I left him at the port though it never crossed my mind till then. In that moment I felt my whole life, all the good and bad things I've ever done crash down on me. Protecting Tali from bullies when she was 10. Joining Mossad, making my father proud (wasn't sure if this was good or bad really). Letting my baby sister die, not being there when she needed me most. Killing the people that bombed her school. Letting Ari kill and terrorise mostly innocent people. Then killing him... I found the bad will most definately always out-way the good. Everyone's pain and loss always comes back to me.
No-one understands me, people have often tried and failed. Barely anyone ever gets through my walls and if they do they'll wish they hadn't. People shouldn't be friends with me. I'm a horrible person. I'm a killer. I hurt people for my own gain. Ive been told multiple times I'm nothing like Ari or any other Mossad assassin but I am, it's who I am. I'm not a federal agent or an investigator... Never have been really. I could never be as sweet as McGee or as bubbly as Abby or as caring as Gibbs... Or as charming as Tony. I believed for a while before we even got on the Damocles that if I got captured NCIS would come to my rescue but I left them didn't I.
After these months of thinking I understand Tony did what he had to do, he just wanted to protect me. Ari was the only person who ever protected me before I came to NCIS how messed up does that seem now. I wonder if Saleem will ever just kill me, he will soon right? Because now I'm so tired of all this. I'm tired of life. I'm tired of thinking about all the what if's, all the ways my life could of been different but it's not this is my life.
This is what I made of myself but it's not who I wanted to be.