A/N: I initially only posted this on my Archive of Our Own account because I was…nervous. Considering I didn't receive negative feedback like I was expecting, I've actually decided to post this here to share with the rest of you. First of all, I'll be updating warnings and such via my Archive account each chapter if there needs to be additional tags added, so I'd recommend checking those out if you're interested in seeing what I've included in the story up to chapter three. This story will include some non-consensual content, but it's going to focus on self-esteem issues as well as self-harm. I started this story because I've been a self-harmer off and on for the last seven years and I began to do so again in recent months, so this story is a little personal for me. However, I'm only going to be writing emotions and self-harm content that's moderately relevant to my emotions and experience with self-harm. I'd like to note that situations based on family or relationship issues throughout this story have absolutely nothing to do with why I've self-harmed. My family is absolutely wonderful and nothing like Neal's family, for example. Family and relationship issues here only pertain to this story and not my personal life. Like I said, I'm only writing about my emotions and experience regarding self-harm and some self-esteem issues I have.

If any of that offends you or disinterests you, that's absolutely fine. You're all welcome to read this story, but I would truly appreciate it if you didn't criticize me or the story itself in a negative way. If you choose to continue reading after this point, thank you and I hope you enjoy the fic!

Neal sat in the light orange pool of his own blood. He was showering before he needed to leave the house, before he needed to deal with his stepfather. It'd been years since he'd weaned himself off of this particular addiction, but his stepfather was the reason it'd begun again. Three years ago, he'd been a cutter, a self-mutilator. He'd been in an unhealthy relationship with an older man who manipulated him. The cutting began as a way to relieve his stress, but it'd developed into something he needed—craved doing on a near daily basis. He'd gotten tired of hiding his bloody clothes and making sure the cuts were taken care of, that they weren't infected, but his mother caught him while he'd been in the process of cutting one night. She'd helped him stop without getting her husband involved and he'd ended that traumatizing relationship about two months later when he finally mustered up the strength to do so.

Now, he was being abused by his stepfather and he'd taken up cutting once again. He was cutting his legs deeper than he'd ever cut any other part of his body before. This obsession with cutting into his legs began a few weeks ago after months of cutting his hips and stomach. He discovered a greater, deeper pain and heavier bleeding when he'd first cut his leg out of sheer curiosity. He'd watched the blood seep out of him and taint the clear water beneath him as it ran towards the drain. He was both fascinated and horrified as he watched the blood pool on the cut before dripping downwards into the water—repeatedly.

He was startled when someone began to bang on the door. "Come on, you little shit. I have places to be after I drop your ass off."

"Like where? A bar?" Neal muttered to himself. Louder, he responded, "I'm almost done."

Forcing himself to stand, pain shot through his leg. The impact of water from the shower head onto the open wound stung like a bitch, but that was the purpose of what he was doing. He wanted this pain because it dulled any other pains he felt. In fact, he felt like he needed and deserved this.

As soon as he finished in the shower, dried off, wrapped his leg, and dressed himself, he was ready to leave. He'd started a job for one of his stepfather's friends, so said stepfather was going to take him there now—personally. All he'd been told was that it was a modeling job of some sort. He just hoped it wasn't nude modeling. His cuts and scars probably wouldn't please whoever received the unfortunate task of photographing him—poor soul. "I hope you don't fuck up," his stepfather said while driving him. "Mark owes me a favor, so he hired your stupid ass. Keep it to yourself that you're a fag because no one else needs to know or care. These guys will burn you at the stake like I wish I could."

At this point, Neal was hardly offended. He was almost twenty years old and this bastard had been in his life for the last decade. He'd beaten the shit out of Neal when Neal, at seventeen years old, officially came out. His stepfather, Vincent Adler, was the most homophobic man Neal had ever met and he wished he'd realized it before making the mistake of confiding in him. Vincent had almost killed him, but Neal's mother begged him to stop. For her, he'd done just that, but he'd left the house for a short while. He also left Neal's mother to take care of her son. Vincent had a deep, unbridled hatred when it came to Neal and, in reality, Neal's mother was the only reason Neal was still alive.

The second they stopped outside of the building, Neal was exiting the car. Vincent knew his hours, so he knew when to come back to pick him up. Heading inside, Neal found himself extremely nervous. He wasn't quite sure what to expect because this was his first job. He'd filled out forms the other day, but that was it. He was told to come in and they'd dress him up.

He walked around awkwardly in the hopes that someone would see him and help him figure things out. Fortunately for him, he was stopped by a man who looked even more socially awkward than he was. "Hi! I'm Dan. You must be Neal?" This man was beyond excited to see Neal and all Neal could do was nod as his eyes revealed that he was lost and confused. "I'm Daniel Picah. Mark told me you'd be coming in, so he asked me to find you and take you to your designated photographer." Neal followed the man while listening intently to him. "He also wanted me to remind you that, if you ever at any point have issues with your photographer, you can ask for a change. No nude or explicit photos are required if you're not comfortable with posing in such a way. Your photographer will have to make do with your comfort zone." Neal really appreciated that. He loved that he wasn't going to be forced to show some stranger his insecurities and flaws. "Any issues or concerns, bring them to me. I'll forward it on to Mark if you decide not to speak directly to him." He gave Neal a comforting smile and added, "We want you to feel safe here."

"Thank you," was all he could manage and it was barely above a whisper at that.

Dan kept smiling and motioned for Neal to follow him as he led Neal in a different direction. "Your photographer is our newcomer. His name's Peter and he's going to graduate college soon, so he's only a few years older than you." He led Neal into a studio where a man was setting up backdrops that would evidently be used as the scenery or general background in his photos. "He's a pretty nice guy and you're his only subject of interest at the moment. I, honestly, don't think you'll have any problems with him."

The man turned around then and smiled. Neal swore his heart stopped when the man's chocolaty eyes fixated on his own azure eyes. "Oh, hi," he said softly. "I didn't realize you were going to be here so early."

"Hi," Neal responded hoarsely. Dan grinned before taking off to continue bringing in new subjects for other photographers, leaving the two men by themselves. Clearing his throat, Neal repeated his greeting much more clearly and with a hint of enthusiasm. "Hi."

"I'm Peter. You're Neal, I assume?" Neal nodded as the man neared him. Without realizing it, he'd tensed more and more as the man came closer. "Relax. We probably won't jump into taking pictures until tomorrow or the day after depending on your level of comfort after today. Today, I just want to get to know you a little better and figure out what you're comfortable and uncomfortable with." Neal, again, nodded. This time, he followed Peter to a large, plush couch, taking a seat beside the slightly older man. "Before anything else, do you have any questions for me?"

Neal kept staring at Peter, enjoying his gentle smile and the surprising familiarity of his eyes. "Um…" he whispered, clearly at a loss for words for a few moments. "What kind of pictures will you be taking of me?"

Peter, his gentle smile never faltering for a second, answered him. "Innocent, natural pictures. You and I can go out and choose outfits together. I'm paying for all of it, so don't worry about having a budget." He shrugged and added, "Everything will be pretty modern and there might be some days when I just ask you to choose something from your own closet, something that you feel identifies you in some way." Neal, for the first time since meeting this man, smiled. It was a genuine smile, too. It was something he hadn't experienced in a long time. Peter figured he'd eased the younger man's mind a little after watching him for a few moments. "You're my subject, but your comfort is everything to me. If you don't like a pose for any reason at all, you have the absolute right to say something. I'm not sure how unorthodox my methods are, but you will have a lot of freedom with me."

"You must get a lot of business with that attitude." Neal was making an assumption that Peter had worked with other subjects or photography agencies prior to this. How could he not have? His ability to ease Neal's anxiety levels was fabulous.

Peter chuckled, appreciating the compliment. "Would you believe me if I said you're my first real and serious subject?" Neal's eyes widened. He knew he was Peter's current, singular subject, but he hadn't realized he was the only subject Peter had dealt with—and they hadn't even gotten started yet. "You're…kind of going to be my final project—if that's okay." Peter bit his lip nervously when Neal's jaw dropped. Well, that was one bombshell taken care of. He figured Neal was going to withdraw all interest in this job now. "You have the right to choose what I use or don't use," he assured Neal just in case he hadn't decided he was quitting. "It's all based on your permission." Neal closed his mouth and nodded, considering Peter's words and the purpose of this job. "I honestly thought Mark told you about this. I was planning to use my photographs of you for my project and presentation, which you are more than welcome to see. I figured I could let you know that you're invited well in advance."

"I didn't realize you were relying on me for that…"

It was very, very obvious that Neal thought very poorly of himself and his appearance. Peter didn't understand that because he saw such beauty in Neal, beauty that was beyond the physical realm. "I chose you specifically. I had a selection of headshots to choose from that would be shared with the other photographers. Because of my project, I had the first choice, so I…chose you." Neal's face heated up and he smiled shyly as he lowered his gaze to his hands, fidgeting with his fingers nervously. "You're a gorgeous subject and the theme of my project is beauty and hidden beauty."

Neal only gathered one thing from all of that and whispered, "So… My face made your decision."

"Your eyes," Peter corrected him. Neal glanced up at the other man curiously. He hadn't felt very confident about this job once he realized he was being used as a pretty face. Evidently, he was wrong. "Most people just want someone pretty to look at. When I was looking at your headshot, my focus was drawn to your eyes. I didn't know your situation—and you don't have to tell me anything personal—and all I saw in your eyes was a certain kind of sadness, a sadness that needed to be expressed." Neal found himself staring directly into Peter's eyes. He knew now that Peter was looking right into his own and quite possibly analyzing him based on his eyes. "Your eyes are really beautiful. I feel like our eyes display our deepest feelings or desires." Neal felt like he was giving himself and his immediate attraction to Peter away, especially after that explanation. His cheeks were pink and he had a small, shy smile on his face as he peered at Peter. "I'll dress you up and make you look nice, but your eyes are my focus. Assuming all goes well and you attend my presentation, I hope you'll see why I'm obsessed with eyes." He grabbed the folder from the table in front of the couch and felt compelled to show Neal the headshots he'd been given. "Yours held the most emotion and…" He caught the way Neal was looking at him and that stirred up feeling within him that he didn't realize still existed. "Um… I'll shut up now."

The younger man felt like he'd suddenly made Peter uncomfortable and he tore his eyes away from Peter, looking at the headshots. He could see what Peter was saying and that stunned him. "I really like your take on this," he admitted. "I thought this would be like modeling."

Smirking, Peter insisted, "It still is. I just want to focus on parts of you that give away your thoughts and feelings. They'd be open to interpretation for an audience, but only you would know how you're truly feeling." He seemed slightly nervous before saying, "I'll apologize in advance if you come in after something terrible happened and you're crying. I…may take advantage of the moment. At some point, I'd like to capture you while crying—whether it's genuine or spur of the moment."

Neal didn't really mind that. He had a lot to cry about, but he had no place to let it out. "I could probably manage to cry on demand."

Peter's smile returned then. "Perhaps. I'll let you know now that this is a safe place for you. I hope you'll feel like you can be your natural self while you're here, which means you're welcome to come in angry, sad, et cetera. I'm not looking for consistent composure." Neal genuinely felt comfortable around this man. Even if Peter hadn't assured him of his ability to act like a human being, he felt like he could be himself in front of Peter. Peter just gave off that impression of familiarity and comfort. "I want you to like working with me, Neal."

"I'm sure I will." Peter was very attractive, so the aesthetic interest was taken care of already. In all honesty, he was actually excited to begin taking photos with this man. Despite hating his own appearance, he had the feeling that he'd really like working with Peter. "Can I ask what got you interested in photography? You seem so…captivated by it."

Peter nodded, feeling like he could share his inspiration with the younger man. "My mother taught me to have a greater appreciation for the things around me. When I turned thirteen, she bought me my first camera and encouraged me to go outside and explore." Neal couldn't help smiling the second Peter smiled a smile that indicated he was reminiscing. "I started out taking simple pictures of nature. One day, I was in a park and was asked to photograph a proposal. I captured the man's initial anxiety as well as the woman's surprise and excitement. In all honesty, those two inspired me to focus more on humans and their emotions."

Awed by Peter's story, Neal said, "That sounds amazing."

"My mother loved my photographs," Peter said. "She even hired me to photograph weddings, baptisms, and other events." Peter loved the innocent and genuine interest he saw in Neal's eyes. It'd been a long time since anyone had listened to him so intently and actually took an interest in his words. "Over the years, I even took pictures of her and my dad. Whenever I look at their pictures, I can see how in love they were." Confusion immediately flashed across Neal's face and Peter gave him a sad smile. "My mother passed away when I was seventeen."

Genuinely apologetic, Neal whispered, "I'm so sorry…"

Peter shook his head even though he appreciated Neal's sympathy. Neal was the first person he'd talked to about his mother in years. "She was suffering. I know she's better off right now." Sighing quietly, he said, "I took so many pictures of her before she died." They were pictures he had never shown anyone. They were so personal to him and he hadn't found anyone to share such a personal and intimate collection of photos with. He'd wanted his future partner to meet his mother someday and he would allow said partner to look at his photos once he knew it was guaranteed that his partner wouldn't leave him. Peter is a homosexual man in his early twenties and he'd been out of the closet since he was fifteen. He promised his mother while she was on her deathbed that he would only introduce her when he knew he was serious about someone, someone he had every intention of marrying someday. "Anyway," Peter said abruptly, bringing himself back to the present. "I decided to pursue photography as a career choice because of my mother. After all of the pictures I'd taken of her, I did learn to appreciate the things around me just as she'd intended."

Neal could clearly see that Peter was lost in thought and his heart ached for Peter. He remained silent, loathing himself for bringing Peter down like this. "Lost in your thoughts again?" Neal startled and turned as Peter looked up to see another man entering the studio. "Oh. Shit. Are you with a client?"

Peter nodded and gestured at Neal. "This is Neal. He's the subject I chose for my project." Glancing at Neal, he added, "Neal, this is my boyfriend, Damien."

Neal's heart immediately plummeted, but he forced a smile nonetheless. "It's nice to meet you, Damien."

"Likewise, Neal. All this bastard's talked about since getting your headshot was how perfect you'd be for his project." Peter blushed deeply, but still managed to smile as he listened to his boyfriend. "I was jealous of you then and damn am I jealous now." The way he looked at Neal made Neal uncomfortable. He was the exact opposite of Peter. Hell, he'd never been stared at as though he was a piece of meat before, but it made his skin crawl nonetheless.

A short while later, Neal went to a vending machine because he'd gotten hungry when Peter excused himself and stepped out of the studio with Damien. As he was pulling money out of his pocket, he overheard a heated, yet considerably quiet, argument. "Don't you dare go near him," one male voice hissed. "You don't need to sleep with every single man you meet."

That first voice sounded like Peter and the second like Damien. "How can you honestly tell me you don't intend to sleep with him? You fucking salivate over his picture when you're supposed to be fucking with me in bed."

"I don't salivate, Damien," Peter growled. "He's a kid and he's working with me. I respect him a hell of a lot more than I respect you." Damien scoffed and Peter proceeded to snap, "You're the one humping every man that moves near you. I'm warning you to stay away from him. I don't want your dick fucking up the work ethic I'm trying to build up with him."

Neal was surprised by this blatant animosity between them. He gathered that Damien was unfaithful to Peter quite often and that made his heart hurt. If he were Peter's boyfriend, he'd never even dream of cheating on Peter. "You know better than anyone that I get everything I want. Keep that in mind." That remark sounded so…pointed, like it was directed at Peter. There was a brief sound of a kiss and then Damien added, "I can see that you've got the hots for your subject and I knew that before you even met him. Whoever sticks it in him first gets to keep his ass."

Peter made a sound of disgust, a sound that made Neal's stomach uneasy. "He's not a prize to be won. He's not a sexual object." Damien laughed and Neal felt even more uneasy. "How the hell did I ever love you? You're such a pig."

"Oh, don't be such a prude, Peter. He's young. He'll be fun." Damien made a sound of delight before saying, "We could always call it a tie and stick it in him—together. The three of us could even live together and fuck every night!"

"You're a sick fuck," Peter snarled. "Get the hell out of here and don't you dare set foot in this building ever again." Damien let out a sound of disbelief. "I'll move out of the apartment tonight, Damien. I'm done with this bullshit. I can't handle how fucking animalistic you are." Neal felt awful. He knew he wasn't completely at fault for the end of their relationship, but he'd never been a reason that a relationship fell apart. "Jesus Christ!" Neal startled and suddenly realized he was face to face with Peter himself. "How long have you been standing here?" Neal looked absolutely mortified and frozen as a result of his mortification. He hadn't meant to get caught eavesdropping, but he had been. All he'd come out here for was a God damn candy bar and he destroyed an already destructive relationship.

Peter was about to say something else, but Neal stammered, "I'll leave. I'm so sorry."

The older man reached out and took Neal's thin wrist in his hand. "You don't have to," he insisted. "I'm so sorry that you overheard all of that, but I promise you that you have nothing to worry about." He released Neal's wrist and attempted to smile. "You're safe with me. And…" His smile faltered for a moment. "Just so you're aware, you and I will not partake in any sexual activities. We're both professionals and… I mean… Uh…" Peter was struggling because he could see how Neal felt about him already. He was really surprised by Neal's immediate attraction to him of all people. How could this gorgeous creature be interested in him?

"I'm…gay," Neal whispered. He hesitated before adding, "But I completely understand."

Peter insisted, "If this is…an uncomfortable situation for you, we could… We could find you another photographer."

Neal shook his head. "I think we'll be fine. As long as he stays away like you asked…"

"He will. I won't let him do anything to you." He gave Neal a reassuring smile then. "Consider yourself under my absolute protection." Neal returned the smile and Peter led him back into the studio they'd initially met in. Peter did everything he possibly could to make Neal feel comfortable considering things had gotten slightly uncomfortable already. They even began to practice a few poses and Peter snapped a few starter photos of Neal. He'd pulled different backdrops out and Neal posed in a very modest way, in poses that he put himself into. Neal sat with his legs crossed and looked straight at the camera now because Peter had asked him if he wouldn't mind doing that. One photo had been of Neal's profile, but Peter liked frontal photos more. He'd turned Neal and leaned him back casually, adjusting Neal so that Neal was holding himself up by positioning his arms behind his torso.

The moment Peter had put the camera in front of his face and focused on Neal, he knew he was fucked. He was attracted to Neal like Damien had suggested. After promising Neal that he'd protect him from Damien and that their relationship would remain professional, he loathed himself. There was just something about him that drew Peter in. The way Neal's eyes looked made him choose Neal as his subject, but there was something now that Peter couldn't understand. He hadn't loved Damien in quite some time, but he tried to make it work and remained faithful to an unfaithful man. He'd known for the last six months that Damien had been cheating on him and sleeping with other men, men he met online or in a gay bar.

Damien had a type and he was definitely into sluts as Peter discovered. They were promiscuous and ready to throw themselves at him instantly. Peter had even come home to find another man in their bed or in their shower. The first time it'd happened, Peter had gotten into a verbal and physical fight that was only broken up by the police. Ever since that night, he'd never fought Damien like that again. In the end, he realized it wasn't worth it anymore, but he stayed nonetheless and put the minimal amount of effort into their relationship. He hoped to God that he never had to reveal any of that to Neal even though Neal heard quite a bit already. He figured Neal didn't want or need his baggage, most of which was very emotional, and decided that there were things that had happened between him and Damien that he'd probably never feel comfortable opening up about.

His older brother had always been his biggest source of support and comfort, but that all changed when Peter came out to him. They hadn't spoken since then and their father tried to keep Peter in their lives. It was strenuous and stressful at best. He didn't even have very many friends, so he felt like he truly had no one to confide in when it came to his deepest and darkest secrets.

"You okay?" Peter startled when he realized he'd been completely distracted and had left Neal waiting for him to take the photo he'd requested of Neal. A single look at Neal reflected a great deal of concern and sympathy, two things he hadn't seen directed towards himself in quite some time.

Nodding and clearing his throat, Peter said, "Yes. I was just momentarily distracted." Neal kept looking at him sympathetically and Peter actually appreciated that. Neal seemed like a very sweet, very caring, young man. Whoever Neal fell in love with would be a very lucky human being.

He knew Neal was only a few years younger than him, but he believed his biggest flaw was that he wasn't attractive enough to be with someone in Neal's league. He couldn't keep a subpar man like Damien interested in and attracted to him, so how could he possibly keep this beautiful, flawless, self-conscious creature in front of him interested?