I wrote this at 3 am when I couldn't sleep so I'm sorry if it doesn't make sense or flow very well I didn't edit it.
Kate Beckett wanted nothing more then to be happy, and if she couldn't have happiness she at least wanted to numb the pain.
Kate Beckett used to be happy. She loved her life once. But that was long ago. That was before her mother was murdered and her father started to drink himself to sleep.
Kate Beckett was 19 when her mother was killed. January 9 1999 was the day the Kate stopped being happy. She lost respect for herself and the rest of humanity.
Her mother had always been there for her. She had been there through the good and the bad. Her mother was the one who encouraged her to peruse a law degree and become a lawyer and when she got accepted to Stanford she was ecstatic. But after her mothers death Kate didn't have the energy or motivation to try anymore. She stopped going to class. She started to party more then she used to. She just didn't care anymore. She would go to parties and drink excessively and sleep with any guy who smiled at her. She was started to have the reputation as the school whore, but she didn't care. She just wanted to numb the pain she just wanted it all to go away. Soon the partying and sex was enough to numb the pain anymore. She started cutting, the pain felt good, the physical pain let her forget about the emotional pain for a while. Eventually her poor grades got her dismissed from school and she was forced to move in with her father back in New York.
She told herself she was going to change. She didn't want to end up like her father, a drunk. She got a job her own apartment and enrolled into the police academy. For the first time since her mothers death she felt like her mother would be proud of her. She poured her self into her work. Finding killers and helping families made her feel good about her self. She told herself to put her mothers death behind her and focus on finding closure for other families.
Richard Castle came into her life after a case where a killer was basing his murder off his books. Castle was annoying, egotistical and man-child. She was furious when he decided to shadow her for research for a new series he decided to write. Although she wouldn't admit it Castle started to grow on her. Eventually she started to look forward to seeing him. Two years after he started following her she decided to tell him how she felt. So the day before he left for the summer to write she asked to talk to him. They stepped aside to talk privately. She finally gathered the courage to tell him but right before she got the words out his ex wife/publisher appeared. She had come to take him away to the Hamptons for the summer he could focus on his writing. All she managed to get out before she left was "Have a nice summer."
Kate Beckett just wanted to feel numb she was now convinced she was never supposed to be happy. She wanted all the pain that started when was 19 to just disappear she wanted to be happy. She knew that was never going to happen. Everything that made her happy seemed to disappear, her mother, castle. So when she got back to her apartment she did something she told herself she would never do again, she drank, she drank a lot. She had soon drunk enough to put her self asleep. She passed out on the floor of her apartment but she didn't care. In all honestly she didn't care if she even woke up ever again.