"Happiness feels a lot like sorrow
Let it be, you can't make it come or go
But you are gone- not for good but for now
Gone for now feels a lot like gone for good"
Claudia fell back onto the lumpy hospital pillows. Her legs were still in the stirrups; sweat dripped down her face, and the shot in her back…what had they called it? An epid- epidural was what it was. The epidural was starting to wear off and every part of her was in pain. She bit her lip, trying and failing to keep her tears from falling as she watched her newborn son lay safely on her stomach. He was beautiful and instantly nothing else mattered. The two men outside, her father and Trevor, did not matter, the fact that everyone in this hospital still considered her a baby herself, didn't matter. Nothing mattered but her brand new son. She let go of the two nurses' hands that she was holding to gently pull her baby boy up to her chest. She got a better look at him. Dark curly hair and it looked like he would have dimples when he smiled. He didn't look like Gino and for that she silently praised whatever god was up there that would allow her to get pregnant in the first place. He let out small cries, but they didn't make her jump like normal noises did.
"Claudia, we have to take your son to weigh him, okay?" A nurse broke her out of her trance.
She could only nod as the kind looking nurse gently lifted her son off her chest to take him to the scale across the room. She winced as the doctor brought her legs out of the stirrups and placed them back on the bed. The stiff hospital sheets were then placed over her cold feet. She suspected the doctors and nurses were nicer to her because she was so young and because they had met the men who brought her in- the men who let her stay in this condition for nine months…and seven days to be exact.
"Claudia how's your pain?" The doctor spoke softly as he made eye contact with her.
"It's tolerable, I guess. Can I see my son now?"
Her eyes shot over to where the nurses were wrapping her son in blankets. She didn't know how much time she would have left with him or if her father would automatically hand over her little boy to her stepmother, Maria. She knew she probably wouldn't be able to stay around as the boy grew up, her father would be too afraid that she would tell the boy that he was actually her son instead of her brother. That had been the plan her "parents" had concocted anyways. Maria had been wearing fake stomachs for months, pretending to be pregnant, while Claudia had been trapped in her room. She had been able to sneak out of her room long enough to hear their plans for her when they had first found out she was pregnant.
"Anthony, what have you done to that poor girl?"
Maria's tone was harsh, but only a whisper. Claudia tried not to lean on the door so she could hear her father's newest excuse. He always had one when it came to her. Her father had hated her her entire life and she knew nothing she would do could change that, but she kept trying anyways.
"That poor girl is a slut! She threw herself at Gino and got herself knocked up for all her trouble. She's a whore, she's been bad since she came out of the womb, this is not my fault, Maria."
"Yes it is! You are her father; you're supposed to protect her from those awful men you call business associates. She is a child and now she's having a baby. What do you suppose we do about that?"
Claudia prayed that he would say something about her having an abortion, they were legal now and it would be the easiest thing. Maybe then he would send her to live with her mom and Uncle Rudy, because that's all she had ever really wanted. Actually all she had ever really wanted was to get the hell out of this house.
"What if we claim the child as our own? Raise it and Claudia as siblings. Like you said, dear Maria, she is nothing but a child, so I'm sure she would have no problem with it. It would be my second chance at raising a child and only this time it would be better because it would be with you. It might even be a boy! Maria, we could have a son."
Claudia shuddered. Living in a house with her own son as her brother would be even worse, not to mention she would have to carry this child for nine months just to hand him or her over to Maria and her father. She couldn't do it, she would rather through herself down a flight of stairs, she would rather do anything than keep this baby.
"Anthony, can we really do that to your daughter?"
Claudia knew the answer before he opened his mouth.
"Of course we can! Claudia's already pregnant, anyways."
"Ms. Zacchara, here's your son."
Claudia was broken out of her memory to see a nurse walking towards her with a blue bundle in her arms. She automatically stuck her own hands out to grab him from the nurse. His little eyes looked up at her and automatically she felt safe for the first time in a long time. How was it that a six pound, seven ounce baby could do that to her? She watched as a flood of people exited her room and she knew soon the moment would be gone- she would never be this little boy's mother again. However, the nurse with the kind smile and eyes with soft wrinkles around the edges remained. Claudia made eye contact with her before directing her attention to the door, waiting for the three people she didn't want to see enter the room.
"You see there's this rule that mothers who don't want anyone in their room, don't have to have anyone in their room until their ready. Plus you gotta name him and I don't wanna see your daddy taking that away from you."
For the first time, in what felt like months, Claudia cracked a smile. She glanced down at the small bundle again. Maria had often come into her room late at night, when Anthony was asleep, and just talked to her. She knew it couldn't be easy for Claudia to do this, but "it was for the best" or at least that's what Maria had told her. But Claudia didn't believe her, especially now as she held her son in her arms and he nuzzled against her. She was in love with him, at least that's what she thought this feeling was. She hadn't known love since her mom had been forced to leave her.
"They really can't come in?"
She knew as long as her father didn't know it was a boy he wouldn't be trying to force his way into her room. The ultrasound technician hadn't been able to tell all the way up to delivery and Claudia had been telling her father that she thought it was a girl. That was mainly just to spite him though, she knew her baby was a boy.
"Not until you're ready, they aren't allowed."
"I don't think I'll ever be ready."
Claudia's voice was barely audible as she continued to look at her son. The nurse looked at the scene and tried not to tear up. She knew the Zacchara family was fifty shades of fucked up, Anthony was always on the news and now his daughter had just given birth. She was just a child herself and it pained the nurse to know she now had to send two children home with Anthony Zacchara.
"So, what's this little guy's name?"
"Johnny."
Claudia didn't mean to speak so quickly, but that was his name. She knew his middle name would have to be Anthony to keep up with appearances, but he would always be her little Johnny. She decided that this is how she would remember him if her father sent her away immediately, swaddled in soft blue blankets with a small smile playing on his lips.
"John Anthony Zacchara."
The nurse nodded and smiled softly at her. She looked exhausted, but she knew the young girl would want alone time with her newborn, most mothers did and Claudia was a mother albeit a young one.
"I'm going to give you some time alone with little Johnny. We'll keep your family out as long as you need. Just push the call button if you need anything, okay sweetie?"
Claudia just nods and watches as the nurse walks out of a different door than the rest of the hospital staff. She wonders if the nurse was deliberately avoiding her family, Claudia doesn't blame her. Johnny lets out a small cry and she wonders if he's hungry. Her father told her that her child was going to be formula fed from the beginning, because he knew if she breast fed she would bond with him too much. Her father's instructions didn't stop her from feeding her son the only way she knew how to at the moment. She stroked his cheek and when he was done she burped him. Then they just laid there together. Her body throbbed with the pain caused by labor, but she pushed it to the back of her mind, her son was an entire forty-five minutes old and hers was the only face her knew. It was perfect to her.
"I'm not quite sure why you picked me, or for that matter my family- now your family too. Maybe you didn't get the choice. My dad, your grandfather, says I was born bad, but I don't think my darkness or your father's darkness reached you, I wish I could promise you that the darkness won't touch you, but I can't. I'm so sorry Johnny. If I was just a few years older, if only your father wasn't your father, but instead someone who loved his children. I'm so sorry I can't protect you from your grandfather and our family, but I will do everything I can. I love you so much my little boy, so much, and if we could stay in this room forever we would."
She placed a kiss on his cheek before hearing the yells she only knew from her father. She would've given anything for Johnny's blankets to be pink, because he wouldn't want another girl, but his blankets weren't pink and Johnny was a baby boy. She knew it was only a matter of seconds before her father and stepmother opened the door to her hospital room and ripped her baby boy from her arms. Then she would press her call button so the nurses would come in and give her morphine for the unbearable pain she felt. Not that the drugs would do any good, the pain would be in her heart.
"I love you so much, my sweet son."
With one last kiss to his forehead, her "family" burst into the dimly lit room. Anthony smiled approving at the blue blankets and then up at his daughter before grabbing the small infant from her arms. Maria shot her a small smile before putting all her focus on Johnny. And just like that Claudia was the invisible little girl she had always been.
5 Years Later
"Daddy this isn't fair!"
Claudia yelled as she chased after him into his office, she slammed the door behind her; God forbid Johnny hear what they were yelling about.
"Claudia, you always knew this was the plan all along! Johnny is now old enough to understand things. If you were to tell him that you're his mother, my life would be ruined."
Anthony was so calm and she didn't understand how. She bit her lip, she would not cry in front of him, she just wouldn't. Earlier this year, Claudia had watched as her father pointed a gun at her son and instead ended up killing Maria, who had jumped in front of Johnny. There was no way she was leaving Johnny alone with him.
"What about Johnny's life, huh? He's a kid, but he's my kid and if I go, he's coming with me."
"You really want to uproot a small child like that, you selfish whore?! He's just a little boy!"
"He's my little boy!"
Anthony slammed his fist down on his desk. The action made the room shake and the noise made Claudia jump.
"You have two options, either you go say goodbye to your brother while the guards pack your things or the guards pack your things and you don't get to say goodbye to him."
She tried to shake away the feeling of impending doom. She had been happier recently, daddy had been working more which meant more time with Johnny. Spending time with him was the only time she was truly happy. Without saying another word to her father, she quickly turned on her heel and with a huff of disapproval left the office. She wandered up the stairs, first passing her room where guards were fervently putting things in boxes. She childhood bedroom was gone and good riddance to it. The last seventeen years hadn't exactly been great. She travelled a few more rooms over to Johnny's. His big boy train bed was is disarray, she wondered if he had had a nightmare last night and why he didn't come get her if he did. She heard him playing the small piano she had got him for his fifth birthday, she had known since the first moment she saw his hands that he would play the piano. She pushed his door open enough to pass through the threshold. He didn't even realize that she's in his room at first, because he's so engrossed in playing.
"You're getting better everyday, buddy."
He looks up instantly and smiles, eyes gleaming with happiness. She realizes that the darkness of this family has still not reached him, he's one resilient kid.
"Claudia!"
He jumps up and runs to her, hugging her midsection. She finally picks him up and sits them both on his unkempt bed.
"I heard you and daddy yelling. Is everything okay?"
He says it so softly and she wills the tears away. Not in front of him. She chastises herself. She pushes his curls back and kisses his forehead, just like she did on the first day of his life. He's hugging onto her waist and she imagines how this is how it is for most moms. The loving and the hugs and the happiness; that's how it is, until it's not anymore.
"Kind of. Johnny, you know how dad's explained it to you before that we have different moms?"
He looks at her quizzically but answers anyway.
"Yeah, Maria was my mommy and your mommy lives in Italy."
"That's right. And…well…you see, daddy wants me to go live with my mommy."
He starts crying and his arms find their way around her neck while his face buries into the nape of her neck. Then she starts crying too, because he is her son. She is the one who carried him for nine months and he is hers and she is his, because that's what happens when you become a mom- your kid takes all of you and you never belong to yourself again. She continues to hold onto him, supporting his head just like she did when he was a baby. She kisses his temple and whispers an "I'm sorry" in his ear. God, the last thing she wants to do is leave him, ever.
"I love you, Johnny, so much, so so much. I love you and I don't want to leave you."
"Then don't!"
He hasn't removed himself from her neck.
"Dad is making me, it's not me. I'm going to miss you so much, but hey look at me-"
She gently pulls him off of her and stands him in front of her.
"I will be back, okay? I will come back for you as soon as I can."
He frowns and quickly wipes the tears from his eyes.
"I'm gonna miss you, Claudia."
She rubs his cheek as the guards come to the door and tell her it's time to go. She grabs him and holds on tight.
"You be good for daddy okay? I'm gonna miss you so much too, but I'll think about you every day, every single day. I love you."
She gets up to go, fighting back more tears until she's out of this house.
"Claudia, I love you too!"
She smiles sadly back at him, but then turns a corner and is out of his line of vision. He hears her footsteps go down the stairs and listens as the door opens. He runs to his window to watch a driver turn on the car she's getting into. Tears then stream down his face and the car drives into the distance. When he finally can no longer see the car, he turns and his eyes land solely on the mini piano. He grabs it and smashes it against the wall.
In Italy
She figured her father had kept her mother up to date on her life, because when Claudia arrived at Uncle Rudy's house, her mom was there with open arms. After they hugged and Claudia was shown her room, she laid on her bed looking at her picture of Johnny. She would get back to him and she didn't care how long it took her.
"Happiness is like the old man told me
Look for it, but you'll never find it all
Let it go, live your life and leave it
Then one day, wake up and she'll be home"
A/N: Hey you guys! I used to have another Fanficion account under the name "BB-Hodgela-Slaudia-forever" and before that I was "slaudia4eva". If none of you remember me, my name's Taylor and I am one of Claudia's biggest fans (not of her actions, but I could see that she really was damaged). Anyways, hope you enjoyed :)