A/N: This story is so atypical for various reasons; I'm writing all vampire and werewolf which is something that I just don't do.

I'm writing Edward as a main character which is also something that I don't do mainly because I'm not a big fan of the bronze haired vampire.

Those 2 facts alone are reasons why this is a humor story.

Also, I LOVE Robert Pattinson, but he's so easy to make fun of. I honestly think that he's sexy, but when I first saw him I said that he looked like a bisexual junkie and I still think so, LOL.

I also realize that this whole opening scene is a bit ridiculous/totally OOC, but hopefully it makes you laugh, smile or at least giggle slightly, LOL.

I'm using Edward as a main character strictly because of his mind reading ability. I know that I could have given this ability to someone else since I don't really care for Edward, but I didn't feel like having to explain myself to some reviewers.

This is also my first story where the pairing isn't already stated. With that being said, I hope no one is disappointed when they find out who has been having naughty thoughts about Edward. ;)

I guess this takes place sometime during or after BD; Edward is married to Bella, but she never got preggers. She is still a vampire though.

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight or anything associated with Stephenie Meyer's characters.

Erotic Mind Games

Edward's POV

Someone has been having inappropriate thoughts about me and it's driving me crazy. The first few times the thoughts entered my head, I decided to ignore them. These carnal thoughts have been going on for over a week now. Not only have these thoughts piqued my interest, but they've also given me severe hard ons. I realize that I have an erection now and I'm so tired of masturbating. I want to make my secret admirer's wish of wanting me come true. I'm sure my lovely wife Bella will allow me just one night with another partner. My family and the shape shifters are all in the family room watching a movie. I adjust myself before I join them. I clear my throat when I enter the room. All eyes are now on me.

"Could you please pause the movie, Esme?" I ask sweetly.

Esme pauses the TV before shooting me a worried look. "Is everything alright, dear?"

"I'm not really sure how to say this, but there is something that's bothering me," I tell everyone.

Emmett grins. "Are you experiencing some itching below the belt?"

Everyone with the exception of Esme and Carlisle laughs hysterically. I notice they are smiling sheepishly though as they try to settle everyone down. I wait for everyone to compose themselves before I continue talking.

"One of you has been having some very improper thoughts about me…" I trail off.

Carlisle raises his eyebrow. "What exactly do you mean by improper, son?"

"I mean somebody in this room has been thinking about me sexually," I answer and suddenly I feel very humiliated.

Emmett snickers. "Really? Who would think about you sexually besides Bella?"

Bella crosses her arms. "I don't have to think about him sexually because I can have him whenever I want. And if you haven't noticed, Emmett, my husband is pretty hot."

"I think that Leah is the one having these thoughts about me," I accuse.

"You've got to be fucking kidding me. I'd rather fuck Rosalie than to fuck you," Leah retorts.

Esme cuts in. "Language, Leah."

"Sorry, Mrs. Cullen," Leah apologizes.

"If you ever decide that you want to fuck my wife…" Emmett trails off when Esme gives him "the look."

"Ok, then I think it's Seth. You love being around me and you did 'accidentally' see me naked…"

Seth blushes. "I admit a naked Edward Cullen has been the star of my masturbation fantasies, but that was only a few times."

"That was totally too much information," Rosalie and Emmett say simultaneously.

"I don't care who is having these thoughts, but I'm tired of your mind games," I announce.

"You may be tired of this person's mind games, but you certainly find them erotic," Jasper comments.

I'm confused by his comment and then I read his thoughts: Look down, Edward. I look down and I notice that I'm extremely hard! I'm pretty sure that I would be blushing if I was human. Everyone is laughing at me once again and I'm starting to get a little bit frustrated. I open my mouth to speak, but big mouth a.k.a. my sister Rosalie beats me to the punch.

"It's clear that you want to know who has been thinking about you because you want to bang them. Jasper will you just admit that you're the one that wants to have sex with Edward so we can finish watching the movie."

Jasper looks shocked. "W… what are you talking about, Rose? It's certainly not me thinking of him in that way."

Rosalie rolls her eyes. "Whatever, Jazz. We all know that you've wanted him since you joined this family."

I chime in. "It does make sense. You always block your thoughts when I come around; you always find an excuse to leave when I come around…"

Jasper laughs. "I always leave when you're around because honestly I think you're gay, Edward. I block my thoughts when I'm around you because I don't want to hurt your feelings by pointing out how feminine I think you are."

Carlisle clears his throat. "It's me, Edward. I'm the one that's been thinking of you inappropriately. I know that you're supposed to be my son and all, but I can't help it. Why do you think I changed you? You're so beautiful. I love the fact that you never comb that bronze hair of yours and it's always messy and greasy. Your bushy eyebrows are so sexy. The fact that you look like a homeless, bisexual junkie is what turns me on the most about you."

Every single person in the room is laughing uncontrollably now. Esme's hand is over her mouth to cover up the fact that she's laughing. I'm glad that my family thinks this is all so hilarious. Emmett is the first one to stop laughing. He stands up and starts walking toward me. I foolishly back myself into a corner. Before I can move, Emmett's huge body is trapping me; keeping me in my current position and his massive hard on is pressed against me. I gulp because I feel a little uneasy being in such close proximity to my "older brother" like this. He slowly licks the sensitive spots on my neck and I try to hide my tremble of pleasure. He gets close to my ear and he whispers, although everyone in the room can hear him perfectly clear.

"All joking aside, I'm the one that wants you, Edward. Do you feel how hard I am? It's all because of you."

"But why… how… but Rosalie…" I attempt to talk.

He gives me a quick peck on the lips. "Do you hear her saying anything? She approves."

"On that note, I'm going to get the hell out of here. Gay bloodsuckers are just too fucking much for me to deal with. You definitely would've been better off with me, Bells," Jacob says.

She nods. "I know, Jacob."

Jake kisses Bella on the cheek. "I told you that no straight guy sparkles. I was clearly right in my assumption. I'll see you later Bella."

Jacob and his 2 minions leave. I look around and I notice that everyone else has left as well…. except Emmett of course. His body is still holding me against the wall. He gently bites my ear lobe and sucks on it. I moan lightly and he chuckles. He does the same thing to my other ear. He licks his lips before his softly brush mine. I feel his sweet breath fan across my face.

"I'm going to have a little fun with you, later."

4 Hours Later

Edward's POV

I'm laying comfortably in my bed with Bella, trying to clear my mind after today's events. I read a random magazine while Bella reads Wuthering Heights for the 50,000th damn time. She takes off her reading glasses as she closes her book. Why she wears reading glasses when she has perfect 20/20 vision I have no idea, I suppose it's because it makes her feel human…although she didn't wear glasses when she was human. She quickly takes off her nightgown and puts on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt. I raise my eyebrow curiously at her as she puts on a pair of socks and slips into her shoes.

"Where are you going, sweetheart?" I ask.

"I'm going to visit Jacob," She replies nonchalantly.

I try to hide my annoyance. "Don't stay out too late."

"I wasn't aware that I had a curfew," Bella snaps.

She leaves before I can say anything back. I put my book down and my mind goes back to everything that happened today, mainly Emmett. I never knew that Emmett thought about me in intimate ways. I'd be lying if I said that I never thought about him romantically. I get hard as I start to think about the way his lips felt when he kissed me. I strip quickly as my fantasy continues. My hand finds my cock as more images of Emmett fill my head. I picture Emmett in all of his beautiful, naked glory kneeling in front of me as he takes my cock into his mouth. I moan and I stroke faster, trying to reach orgasm. I stop my actions when I sense a presence. I look up and I see a smiling Emmett standing in my doorway.

He winks at me. "Need a hand?"

"Yes… please!" I nearly shout.

He takes his shirt off and his phone chimes. He sends a quick text and places his phone on my nightstand before he approaches me. His phone chimes again and he smiles, but doesn't text anything back. He straddles me and leans in for a kiss, but I push him away. He looks at me with a confused expression on his face so I gesture toward his phone.

"Who are you texting?" I ask Emmett.

He tries to kiss me again. "No one."

"You're obviously texting someone. Who?" I press.

"It's just Rosalie. She wants details," He says.

He kisses me innocently on my mouth and then our kiss gets passionate. He moves his mouth down my neck and explores my sensitive flesh. I close my eyes and groan when I feel his hand grip my beyond hard dick. His big, rough hand feels great. He strokes me faster and I'm going to cum a lot sooner than I would like to. I open my eyes and I shove Emmett away when I see that damn mutt Jacob sneaking in through my window.

"I'm going to guess that Bella isn't here…"

"What the hell are you doing here, Jacob?" I yell.

"I was looking for Bella—"

I cut his explanation short. "You were looking for my wife at this time of night and sneaking through my damn window?"

I expect Jacob to snarl at me or make a smart comment. What I don't expect for him to do is to laugh. He laughs right in my damn face and I don't understand what's so fucking funny. I bawl my hand into a fist and I aim for his chin, but he catches my fist. I'm surprised when he doesn't immediately let go of my hand, he instead places his very hot hand over mine.

He releases my hand. "You know Cullen; I was never intimidated by you. But there's nothing less intimidating than arguing with someone with your dick swinging."

I cover my package. "Look, Bella said that she was going over your house and she's not here so you can leave now."

Jacob winks at Emmett and to say I'm confused is an understatement. Jacob bites his lip and suddenly my head is filled with semi-familiar images. I couldn't tell who was thinking of me sexually before because in the thoughts I couldn't see the person and my positions varied from being dominant to being receptive. Now the same images are being sent to me telepathically and my mystery person is no longer a mystery… it's Jacob Black! The images are of him taking me in various places and in some positions that I didn't even know existed!

I gasp and I turn around to look at Emmett. "But Emmett… you said that you were the one having those thoughts about me."

Jacob smiles. "He wants you too. But I was the one thinking about bending you over and filling you with my gigantic, furry 'mutt' cock."

I say the first thing that comes to mind. "Your cock isn't really furry is it?"

Emmett snickers. "Only when he's in wolf form."

"It's slightly bigger in wolf form, too," Jacob adds.

"Well… I'm going to go back home and fuck my horny wife," Emmett bluntly says.

Emmett surprises me by walking over to Jacob and giving him a chaste kiss on the lips before he leaves my room. Now, I'm now all alone with Jacob. Almost too quickly for my vampire senses to pick up, Jacob has me pinned on my bed. He's rocking his jean clad hips against my bare erection and I curse. He bends down to kiss me and I'm pleasantly surprised that he doesn't taste anything like how he smells. His lips are a little rough, but soft at the same time. He pulls away for air and suddenly he's not on top of me anymore. I see that he's ridding himself of his jeans so I get off the bed and I walk over to him so I can halt his actions, but I'm too late.

I try to not look at his naked form. "What if Bella walks in?"

"If she did, do you really think that she would mind? Besides, she really is at my house. She's catching up with Billy," He tells me.

I let my eyes lower and they nearly pop out of their sockets when they land on his… I don't even want to call it a cock because it's ginormous! If he think that he's putting that thing anywhere near my ass then he's seriously lost his damn mind! Jacob grabs my hand and he leads me to the bed. He kisses me sloppily before he devours my neck. His warm mouth descends down my body and he licks, sucks, and bites on my nipples. Small sounds of pleasure escape my lips and he continues his assault until he reaches my pubic bone. His extra long tongue swipes the head of my dick and collects the pre-cum that has gathered there. He bathes my cock with his tongue; he swirls it around the head, licks the underside, and takes my balls into his mouth. He places just the head into his mouth and my hands are tugging at his short jet black hair.

"J-Jake, no! Please stop!" I beg.

He deep throats me and then releases me. "Why?"

"I'm…you're going to make me cum so soon if you continue," I inform him between pants.

He ignores my plead and puts my cock back into his mouth. I squeal like a girl as the pleasure that he's giving me is almost becoming too much. I've never felt anything so warm around my cock and the feeling is indescribable. He swiftly bobs his head up and down and my whole body tenses. I try to find my voice to announce that I'm cumming, but there's no point. I'm so caught up in ecstasy that I forcefully push his head down as I cum violently. I feel him swallowing around me and this makes me cum even harder. I push his head away when I'm finished.

"I thought the great Edward Cullen would last longer than 1 minute and 30 seconds," Jacob teases.

I try to catch an unnecessary breath. "Do I want to know where you learned to give such great head?"

"Let's just say that I've had my practice," He cryptically answers with a wink.

I try to hide my nervousness. "Do you um… want me to return the favor?"

He shakes his head. "No, I just want to fuck you."

I try to stall. "Um…you want to do it right now?"

"No, I want to wait until next week," He sarcastically states.

"Y…you're not going to go into me dry are you?" I timidly ask.

He raises an eyebrow. "You want me to use lube? Since when do vampires use lube? You're bitching more than Rosalie did."

My eyes grow wide. "You had sex with my sister?"

"Uh huh, Emmett was there as well. I'm going to fuck that little pixie and her husband too," Jake predicts.

"I doubt that," I disagree.

Jacob smiles. "You don't think so? I am quite charming you know. I am about to make the almighty Edward Cullen my bitch."

"I'm not your—"

My sentence is cut short when I feel one of his large fingers probe my virgin hole. I immediately tense and he tells me to relax. I relax a little bit and he removes his finger. He asks where the lube is and I get it for him. He coats one of his fingers in lube and the finger enters me more smoothly. He adds another and I feel pleasure when he moves them in a scissoring motion, he adds one last digit to prepare me for his massive size. After a few minutes of him preparing me, I announce that I think I'm ready. I turn to lay on my back, but he turns me over so I'm on all fours again.

"You're my bitch, Cullen. You don't get to look at me while I fuck you," Jacob tells me in a harsh tone.

Although I'm stronger than Jacob is, his tone is so ferocious that I'm slightly scared. I tightly grip the bed sheets as I feel Jacob penetrate me. He's surprisingly gentle and he enters me inch by inch. We gasp collectively when he's buried all of the way inside of me. He gives my body a quick second to adjust to the intrusion. His heat mixed with my cold creates the perfect temperature. Jacob moves slowly and I roll my eyes that as I realize that he's worried about hurting me. I start meeting his thrusts and that's all the sign he needs that he's not fucking a breakable human. His scorching hands are digging into my hips as he pounds into me relentlessly.

"You're so fucking tight, Cullen," He moans.

"Feels…so…good…" I moan between harsh thrusts.

He pinches one of my nipples. "That's a good little slut. Do you want to cum?"

"Yes," I answer quickly, without hesitation.

I nearly come undone when his hand touches my cock. He hits my prostate and I loudly cry out in pleasure. Jacob's hand is furiously pumping my dick and he's continually hitting my prostate directly. I'm on the brink of having yet another great orgasm. Jacob growls into my ear and that sends me over the edge again. I scream into my pillow as I cum violently onto Jacob's hand. His movements start to get erratic and I know that he's going to be filling me with his cum soon. He groans my name and he roars as he releases inside of me. He slumps forward and falls on top of me. He rolls off of me when he catches his breath. An awkward silence soon fills the room. I try to read his mind and his thoughts are a complete jumbled and unorganized mess.

Jacob breaks the silence. "I forgot how good it felt to fuck a vampire."

I laugh. "You fucked Edward Cullen and you liked it. You hope your pack members don't mind it."

He laughs too. "The only person that will mind is Seth. He's going to be pissed that I fucked you before he could."

"I'm sure that I could make things up to him," I reply.

Jacob opens his mouth to say something, but closes it when we hear hushed voices outside of my window. We both get out of my bed and walk over to my window. I open it slightly and I see Carlisle and Esme. They seem to be arguing about something important. Both of their minds are racing so it's hard to focus on just one thought and find out what's going in. Jacob and I clear our throats simultaneously and we have the attention of my parents.

"What's going on?" I ask.

"Carlisle and I made a bet and he's being a sore loser because I won," Esme explains.

"What kind of bet?" I wonder.

"I told him that Jacob was the one who was actually having those inappropriate thoughts about you, Edward. I wanted to come and show Carlisle the proof, but he still doesn't want to pay up," She continues.

"You won this round, but I'll get my money back during round 2," Carlisle promises.

Jacob and I give each other a look before shrugging. "Round 2?"

Carlisle grins. "Alice started getting these strange visions a few hours ago…"

A/N: I know that I'm a little bit mean for ending it there, LOL. Please don't throw virtual rocks and tomatoes at me.

So… I hope that everyone enjoyed the little bit of EdwardxEm action and the hot EdwardxJacob action.

I admit that it was fun making Edward Jacob's bitch.

While I do enjoy reading EdwardxJacob stories, I get tired of Jacob being Edward's bottom bitch.

Anyway… R&R if you feel like it. Reviews are always greatly appreciated.