It Used To Roll Off Her Tongue
by Fishie has a pen
When she was younger, love was an expression Alicia felt freer to give.
Note: 1. Spoilers to 3x04. 2. Lots of time jumps!
-oo-
It used to roll off her tongue.
"I love you."
Everyday, she would show Peter to the garage, still in her nightgown, to send him off to work with a quick peck on the lips. It was indescribably cliché, but when Peter said it was the only reason he could make it past the door every morning, it made her indescribably happy.
-oo-
x
She didn't think the 'slip up' on the phone was the first time she'd heard him say it.
They were lying eyes closed, tangled between the Egyptian cotton of the four-posted bed inside the Presidential Suite. Will thought she was asleep; she was feigning it to delay the talk, the reality check she knew was inevitable. She felt his breath on her cheek and even with her eyes closed she could feel his gaze pierce through her soul. Then, a featherlight whisper – a secret meant for no one but himself,
"Leesh… I… you..."
-oo-
x
"I love you"
The eight-letter, three-word phrase was her first response (after the gasp and the single tear) to Peter's proposal as he knelt on the manky carpet of her first apartment since she moved out of Georgetown.
"So can I take that as a 'yes'?"
"Yes. Yes." Her words were muffled by the nape of his neck as she hugged him. So tightly.
-oo-
x
The last time she had said "I love you" to anyone other than her children or brother was the morning before the scandal broke.
-oo-
x
Helena had been pushing Will to say he loved her too ever since she sprang it on him the previous winter break.
"It would be just easier to say it back and let her leave you alone". Alicia would joke, inside their shared student apartment. Even though she made fun of him she understood he didn't take the actual L word lightly- he too had a difficult childhood.
"Nah it would be easier to say I love YOU instead."
"Very funny."
Will was about to say something in response when their apartment phone rang and Alicia dashed off, knowing it would be Peter on the other end.
-oo-
x
They did talk about it, or rather, agreed to NOT talk more about it, once the ground rules were established.
Will was genuinely surprised when she (instead of him, even when he wanted to bring it up) was the one who suggested they continue seeing each other.
"But 'no fuss'." He repeated her suggestion, hands up mid-air to accentuate the point, while looking into her eyes to make sure she meant it.
"Yep, and no muss." She added.
A nod. An agreement. Two shy grins.
Although it was left unsaid, it was mutually understood that one hour of good timing would never have been enough. She just didn't want to talk about it.
-oo-
x
When she was younger, love was an expression she felt freer to give. She signed off all letters to her pen pals (even those she hadn't met in person) with 'Love, Alicia'. She hugged and meanest of their aunties and uncles with an 'I love you' while Owen looked on with distain.
'Why do you always say you love everyone?' Owen would question. "It's not a free-for-all. You and Mom and Dad are the only people I love in the world." He had been more guarded and cynical ever since he got rejected and punched by his first boy-crush in fifth grade.
Her rosy world of innocent love and hugs and kisses ended the afternoon her parents sat them down on the sofa to tell them they were splitting up. Owen would never admit it, but it had affected him even more than it did her.
Many years later, it wasn't until eight months into their relationship that Alicia first reciprocated Peter's declaration of love. He had the widest grin on his face because he knew she meant it.
-oo-
x
As fundamentally different as she and her Mother-In-Law were, she couldn't have done without her when she was adjusting to being a homemaker mother with two infants. She had just given up her job, Peter was working doubly hard to provide for the family, and there was a whole week she was almost bedbound with the flu.
"Rest well, dear, Zach is having a nap and Grace is all fed and happy. You should have some peace for a little while."
Alicia reached out from under the sheets to take her hand in gratitude. "Thank you, Jackie. Love you."
"Love you too. Now go sleep and I'll take care of everything."
-oo-
x
She knew that Will's confession of being solely 'interested in her' was his roundabout way of saying his accidental slip over the phone wasn't as accidental as he claimed it to be. But these days they were feeding off each others' responses. A slight hesitation from one would bring a pause from the other, keeping it within the invisible boundaries. They were playing a three-legged race on the cliffs; one step out of synch would mean a horrid topple into a bottomless pit.
So words were unnecessary. Action would speak louder than words.
Hands cupping his cheeks as she leaned in to capture his lips. A gentle tuck of hair behind her ear when he had her pinned against the wall. The secret smiles they allow themselves when no one was watching.
No words.
-oo-
x
Action did speak louder than words. For Peter, anyway.
Peter had broken his vows. In some respect he had broken her too. The 'I love you's exchanged every morning had not been as truthful as she had so positively believed them to be.
Owen tried to initiate proper conversation on multiple occasions, but could never get further than a few scattered answers before she changed the subject.
There was no time to talk. She had to take action to protect her children. She had to learn to stand on her own feet again. A self-pitying mother drowning in her own sorrow was not an image she wished to portray.
Owen was by her garage door as she stepped past. "I'm meeting an old friend today to see if he could give me some career advice. Thanks for watching the kids, I'll be back after lunch. And thanks… for flying over here."
"Alicia?"
"Hmm?"
"You know I love you right, sis?"
It was the tightest hug they'd shared in years.
-oo-
x
Alicia won't deny that she's heading towards being in … a deeper attachment, with Will. No matter how carefree and liberated and, heck, naughty, she feels, no-strings-attached flings are not her and she knows it. Despite this- as she kisses Will's forehead to bid him good night- the only words she allows herself to whisper are 'sweet dreams'.
Because, right now, the only people she truly loves are her children and her adorably annoying but dependable being of a brother.
Not to mention the prioritized need to sort out her complicated life. To actively untangle herself, step by step, surely means more than any word uttered.
But still, it used to roll off her tongue.