Some funny quotes from the Vampyre Poet Laureate Loren Blake. This is a sister story to "Who'd be a Riding Instructor" (for Lenobia) and "Musings of an Underpaid Swordmaster" (for Dragon) so read them too!!!! R&R!!!

"Metaphors be with you."

"I've read fanfics that make more sense than this crap!"

"Oh woe!"

"Yes, Neferet, my bed is lopsided... So maybe I took the 'knotch in the bedpost' thing a little too seriously..."

Loren: "So, what did William Wordsworth mean by 'a spontaneous
overflow of emotion recollected in tranquility'?"

Pupil: "Puberty?"

"Haiku? Gomenasai?"

"Why must these pupils always want a private audience during my lunch???"

"Mine's bigger than Dragon's."

"All of me is bigger than Dragon, in fact."

"What's an effing squirrel got to do with anything?"

"Fee fi fo fum, I smell the blood of a sexxxxy woman!"

"I've often wondered why women throw themselves at me, and then several hours later slap me in the face..."

"Shakespeare once wrote that 'a rose by any other name would smell as sweet' but you sir are something else!"

"If you see Lenobia coming towards you with a whip and rope, that is the time to run, that is not the time to envelope her in your arms!"

"Well because you wouldn't have any arms left that's why!!!"

"I think I'll write my tombstone – 'here lies Loren Blake, and he's bloody annoyed!!!'"

"Womaniser Woman-Womaniser I'm a Womaniser Oh! Womaniser Oh! I'm a Womaniser baby!"

"I made a note in my diary on the way here. It reads: 'bugger'."

"I think the phrase I'm looking for rhymes with 'Clucking Bell'..."

"Don't you just love extra-curricular...?"

Pupil: "My mother helped."

Loren: "Yes a maternally crazed gorilla would have come in very handy."

"What?"

"Am I glad to see you or did I just put a canoe in my pocket?"

"My every path is shrewn with cowpats from the devil's own satanic herd."

"I'm charming. Aren't I charming?"

Pupil: "Oh yes, I touched her once."
Loren: "You touched her where?"
Pupil: "In the corridor."
Loren: "Well I've never heard it called that before."

"Well, I would just like to say how much I enjoyed your friendly companionship. But as we both know, it would be an utter lie. So sod off, and if I ever see you again, it will be a billion years too soon."

"He told me that I was one of the most foul, disgusting, immoral, perverted men that he had ever known. And what did he ask me next? 'Have you ever considered a career in the Church???'"

"Is there any such thing as sex-addicts anonynmous?"

"I don't care if he has been rogering their High Priestess with a large leek. He killed my pigeon!"

"I have a plan. And it's as hot as my pants!"

"I babysit pupils, I babysit teachers. I, 'babysit'."

"There, is, no, way, I am attracted to her!"

"But beneath this boyish exterior, beats the heart of a ruthless, sadistic, maniac."

"Excuse me, sorry, I have to go and yell at someone."

"So will I just shimmy up the drainpipe and ask her if she wants to take my consignment?"

"Maybe not..."

"They seek him here
They seek him there
Those Frenchies seek him everywhere
Is he in heaven
Is he in Hell
and what's that revolting garlic smell?"

"I think I'm going to be sick!"

"They call it the 'love loft'? I'm flattered..."

"I have a cunning plan..."

"No I do not want a free Chlamydia test!!!!!"

"Neferet's coming... HIDE ME!!!"