Control Loss
Sometimes, Kairi feels like she's the Nobody instead of Namine.
It all began with an unexplained event. It was something she and Sora unconsciously decided never to speak about, never to talk about, never to think about.
It was something that was out of their control, so they just accepted it.
They were talking. Quietly talking at the beach, only the two of them. Kairi was fingering the shells, Sora was staring at the sky…they both lapsed into silence sooner or later.
The next thing she knew, Sora was holding her-arms wrapped around her, tight and secure and safe-and she was also embracing him-both arms around his neck, holding onto him as if for her life-and she didn't know why and he didn't know why and they were both holding each other with no idea why and they had no idea how it had become like this until Sora spoke.
"Namine…" he whispered, gazing straight into her eyes seeing not her but her and suddenly Kairi was sure it wasn't Sora speaking and she felt so stupid for not realizing it earlier and it was not Sora, not Sora at all but Roxas.
And it wasn't her holding on to him like this but Namine, no one but Namine, who pressed her head against Sora-Roxas, she reminded herself, Roxas-'s chest as she breathed softly and tears formed in her eyes and Kairi didn't know why Namine was crying but she was and she could do nothing-
And it was over. At the same moment, Sora and Kairi pulled away from the embrace instinctively; the minute the realized that their loss of control was over and they were their own selves again and it was over.
Kairi didn't know whether to be relieved or disappointed. She and Sora had never exchanged such intimacy the way Roxas and Namine did; the two of them were just friends who were slowly developing feelings for one another but Roxas and Namine seemed to have something more, something more, because they could hold each other and gaze into each other's eyes and Kairi was sure that they loved each other-loved- unlike she and Sora, who liked each other. Whatever they had was so much deeper-so much deeper-that Kairi wondered if she was jealous.
At first these things happened only now and then, whenever they were alone, whenever they became uncomfortable with one another, whenever they had nothing left to talk about. She and Sora never questioned it, they let it alone, because they both thought that Roxas and Namine deserved some time together for the eternity that they would spend apart, because no matter how many times Sora and she met it just wasn't the same. Then it began to happen more frequently; she found herself losing control not only with Sora but also with herself.
Sometimes she'd blank out and find herself sketching, and she'll realize she has sketched so many that the paper is littering on the floor and then she'll realize that it wasn't her who drew them, it wasn't her, but Namine. And the drawings are all of a blonde girl and blonde boy, with so many scenes depicting them together and then Kairi realizes that in real life the scenes happened between her and Sora but in the drawings they were Namine and Roxas and it hurts her, it pains her for some reason she doesn't know and soon she's crying on the floor and she doesn't know why. Later she cleans up her room and stacks all the drawings together for Namine and keeps them in a folder for Namine. She buys a new sketchpad for Namine and puts in her room-for Namine. And Kairi realizes she's doing a lot of things for Namine and she doesn't know why.
Sometimes she'd look out of her window and she would see Sora doing skateboard tricks and she'll realize that it isn't Sora-it isn't Sora at all-and he'll be doing so well until he looks up and sees her and he would fall down and then he would be back to Sora, plain old Sora, not Roxas or anybody else. He would wave, smile goofily, and try to do the skateboard again but he's not as good as Roxas-he'll never be as good as Roxas-and Kairi knows it is Sora again, Sora, and only Sora.
Sometimes she'd stare at the sketchpads she had bought for Namine, all piled up neatly, with the sketches all colorful and pretty but when she remembers Namine she sees her as a colorless and dull person, all white and all nothing and she can't help but feel sad. So she takes up one of the sketchpads and starts to draw but she'd never be as good as Namine and when she starts comparing them with the ones her other self drew she starts to tear up her drawings, overcome with something that she doesn't know until she begins to cry, cry and cry with no idea, no idea, why she's crying.
Sometimes she'd notice the way Sora is looking at her-looking at her-until she realizes Sora wasn't looking at her, and it wasn't even Sora who was looking, and it was Namine, Namine that Roxas sees, and he would walk up to her and whisper in her ear and Kairi doesn't want to hear it as he says her name, breathes it with so much feeling that can only be love. She wants to close her eyes and not see Sora who was actually Roxas who was talking to her but not really. She doesn't want to do this anymore, she doesn't want to see this anymore, she doesn't want to experience this anymore…to feel someone else's love.
And sometimes Kairi would wish Sora was like this, was like Roxas, and sometimes she would wish she was like her, was like Namine, and they could love each other so freely with the only restraint was being Nobody and not being their own selves.
She wonders if Namine despises her for this, for being the person who holds control over her, who keeps her from being with Roxas. She wonders if Roxas feels that way for Sora, too.
Somehow, the hugs and touches turned to something more, and their love grew. And Kairi didn't know why, she didn't understand why, why Roxas and Namine could feel so much and she and Sora could feel so little and why everything was so confusing.
The first time Sora kissed her, it was almost as if by accident. Then she realized that Sora wasn't kissing her, and it wasn't even Sora who was kissing her, and all she could do was watch and feel and wonder if they looked upon her and Sora was intruders, as mere add-ons as they exchanged something so pure, something so real, and Kairi can't help but wish she wasn't there, wish that she was anywhere but there, as Roxas deepened the kiss and Namine responded and her body moved without her control as she looked into Sora's eyes without seeing Sora there-
The kiss ended suddenly, and Sora pulled away, blushing. "I'm sorry," he said softly.
And Kairi could only shake her head and say, "It's not your fault," because it wasn't his, really, and he shouldn't be sorry because obviously Namine and Roxas weren't sorry for the kiss, and they were only lamenting the fact that they couldn't have held on longer, because something was stopping them, something was forcing them apart, and it was her and Sora, who seemed to have forgotten to learn how to love deeper because they were still the way they were.
Sometimes, Kairi feels like she's the Nobody instead of Namine.
She wonders if Sora feels the same.