Quote: "If you have made mistakes...there is always another chance for you...you may have a fresh start any moment you choose, for this thing we call "failure" is not the falling down but the staying down".-Mary Pickford
Fallen
"You're both liars," Scully said as she yanked her hand out of mine.
I watched her as she walked down the hospital corridor and out the door leaving only Fowley and myself to stare after her.
After what seemed like eternity, I turn to Fowley. She looks at me as if trying to find out what is going on inside my mind. Finally, she says she was going to check on Mulder's progress, leaving me alone in the hall.
I sigh deeply and sit on the same bench I had been sitting on when Scully first walked into the hall. I massage my temples, trying to prevent the headache I know is going to be full blown in a matter of minutes.
Scully is angry at me-again. She thinks I have betrayed her and Mulder. I have lost her trust. But when she was dying of cancer, she had been wrong to think that I was working against her. I had tried to save her life at the risk of my own. It seems like every time I gain her trust, I wind up losing it again. This time it is worse. This time I really am working against them.
I take off my glasses and rub the bridge of my nose. I think about what I have done. Scully didn't...couldn't understand. I wanted to be on her side. I walk the thin line between right and wrong-Mulder/Scully's side and the Syndicate's side. I live in the gray area.
Does Scully know how much I wish I could be by her side? No, she didn't. She sees me for what I am at this moment-a liar. She thinks right now that Mulder is, once again, the only person she can trust completely. He has never betrayed her. Ditched her, infuriated her-but never betrayed her.
I let out another long breath.
Scully doesn't know that I owe my life to Krycek. He saved me form the illness that had nearly killed me. Of course he also gave it to me so that he could manipulate me. And Krycek can bring that illness back at anytime.
And all this happened because I am scared to die. Because I am afraid to die, I have fallen from grace.
I didn't lie to Scully when I told her that their fight should have been mine as well. Their fight should have been my fight. But I'm too damn scared. But as the Syndicate lies to me, I shall lie to them. What was it that Mulder said once, all lies lead to the truth.
Scully said Fowely was liar too. I've had my suspicions that she was working for them, but no concrete evidence-yet.
I get up off the bench. It is time for me to stop wallowing in my own self-pity. I need to find out all I can about Fowley. I need to keep Mulder alive and try to help him until Scully returns. Despite what she thinks, they are still my favorite agents and I will do what I can to help them. I've walked the tightrope before and I will do so again.
I head off to see what the doctors are doing about Mulder.
Scully, I hope you find the answers you seek.
Fallen
"You're both liars," Scully said as she yanked her hand out of mine.
I watched her as she walked down the hospital corridor and out the door leaving only Fowley and myself to stare after her.
After what seemed like eternity, I turn to Fowley. She looks at me as if trying to find out what is going on inside my mind. Finally, she says she was going to check on Mulder's progress, leaving me alone in the hall.
I sigh deeply and sit on the same bench I had been sitting on when Scully first walked into the hall. I massage my temples, trying to prevent the headache I know is going to be full blown in a matter of minutes.
Scully is angry at me-again. She thinks I have betrayed her and Mulder. I have lost her trust. But when she was dying of cancer, she had been wrong to think that I was working against her. I had tried to save her life at the risk of my own. It seems like every time I gain her trust, I wind up losing it again. This time it is worse. This time I really am working against them.
I take off my glasses and rub the bridge of my nose. I think about what I have done. Scully didn't...couldn't understand. I wanted to be on her side. I walk the thin line between right and wrong-Mulder/Scully's side and the Syndicate's side. I live in the gray area.
Does Scully know how much I wish I could be by her side? No, she didn't. She sees me for what I am at this moment-a liar. She thinks right now that Mulder is, once again, the only person she can trust completely. He has never betrayed her. Ditched her, infuriated her-but never betrayed her.
I let out another long breath.
Scully doesn't know that I owe my life to Krycek. He saved me form the illness that had nearly killed me. Of course he also gave it to me so that he could manipulate me. And Krycek can bring that illness back at anytime.
And all this happened because I am scared to die. Because I am afraid to die, I have fallen from grace.
I didn't lie to Scully when I told her that their fight should have been mine as well. Their fight should have been my fight. But I'm too damn scared. But as the Syndicate lies to me, I shall lie to them. What was it that Mulder said once, all lies lead to the truth.
Scully said Fowely was liar too. I've had my suspicions that she was working for them, but no concrete evidence-yet.
I get up off the bench. It is time for me to stop wallowing in my own self-pity. I need to find out all I can about Fowley. I need to keep Mulder alive and try to help him until Scully returns. Despite what she thinks, they are still my favorite agents and I will do what I can to help them. I've walked the tightrope before and I will do so again.
I head off to see what the doctors are doing about Mulder.
Scully, I hope you find the answers you seek.