Mater was coming to see me, this could only end terribly. In my last letter I had told Mater I was walking out with a man in uniform. This wasn't false Peter did wear a uniform, and looked rather handsome in it if I do say so myself, but I know mother would expect a military man. I want so much for Mater to be pleased with my choice of suitor but I know deep down she will not approve. I wish I didn't care but I do. I want the best of both worlds.
I met Peter for a stroll along the docks just after his shift. I told him about Mater's visit and he was far too egger to meet her. When I tried to deter him from taking time off he professed "I want to meet your mother, Camilla, I love you and I want her to know it." I paused almost dropping my Ice cream, did he just say he loved me? He had never said that before. "You've never said that before" I responded. "Doesn't mean I haven't been thinking it." He stuttered back leaning in to kiss me on the lips. He had never done that before either, I blushed pointing out that we were not alone and he ignored my protest leaning in for a second kiss. I did not protest. We scooted close together and finished out ice cream in content silence. Peter walked me back slowly to Nonatus house tucking my arm tightly up to him and slipping his fingers underneath the wrist of my sweater as we traversed the streets. He did not care one jot who saw us and to be honest I didn't care either I felt completely content and all joy and happiness to be in his company.
The visit was awful. I was so nervous and excited as I opened the door and Mater was all cool and collected. I could read the look of disgust on her face the moment she walked through the door. She did not approve of the life I had chosen for myself. She did not approve of my living conditions, my career choices and definitely not Peter. I felt awful after she left, I was completely happy before her visit and after she left I was torn. I had to choose between my family and my happiness.
I had to let Peter know, it wasn't right to drag him along when I knew Mater would never approve of our union. I stood in the doorway as he rambled on totally oblivious to what was coming. The poor darling was talking of proposal. I tried to stop him. I told him not to say it. I told him he was making me uncomfortable. "Why?" he had begged. "Why" he had questioned. When I told him I didn't have feelings for him anymore his face fell, he looked like he had been hit by a truck. I ran off in tears before he could say anything. I knew he would try and get the truth out of me. I had told him a complete lie, I did very much still have feelings for him I was just scared. I cared too much about being a disappointment, I was willing to sacrifice my happiness as to not disappoint Mater. I spent the next weeks with a broken heart. I woke up to work, when I wasn't working I was thinking of what a terrible mistake I had made and trying to come to ways to accept that I had forever lost Peter and it was all my fault. When it came down to it I knew he wouldn't accept me back I was a fool.
I saw Peter and another officer leaving the house, he was on duty, he looked right through me and it tore my heart out. I ran into my bedroom and fell to my knees and asked for guidance.