I'd like to say we were okay.
I'd like to say we were managing.
I'd like to say we were going on with life.
I'd like to say we were able to rest easy.
I'd like to say things were going to be alright.
But they weren't.
We were not okay.
We were not managing.
We couldn't move on.
Sleep rarely came.
And things sure didn't feel like they were going to be ever going to be alright again.
It felt as though we were stuck in a lull. We would drag ourselves out of bed in the morning, I would get in the shower then leave for work. I muddled through the workday, my mind always elsewhere, but putting on the best face I could, for everyone else's sake. I come home, but dinner isn't ready. Not that it mattered, we've hardly been eating. We would go to bed early, but rarely got any rest. I didn't even have the strength to hold her, even though I knew it would help her some. And worst of all, I lay awake every single night. That's when my thoughts run around my head the most.
"Why did this happen? Why couldn't I stop it? What did I do wrong?"
Every night, my own mind blamed me for everything, even though I knew no one else did, especially not her. I'm sure she thought the same things of herself. But those thoughts never came at night. Only bad thoughts of myself as I lay silently, tears secretly falling from my eyes. I wish we could talk about it, but it's hurts too much. And we're both so tired; tired of thinking about it, tired of the tears, tired of grieving. And I was scared. Scared to even mention it because I didn't want to be what made her cry.
It almost feels like we've lost something between us, but I don't know how. Perhaps it was because we really did each lose a piece of ourselves. A piece of her and a piece of me that joined together through love to create life. Maybe when that life ended, a piece of each one of us ended. The piece that visibly expressed our selflessness towards each other and our desire to give our all to the other.
It wasn't like I didn't love her. I did love her, so much, with every painful beat of my heart. I knew I loved her because I willingly endured the pain of each heartbeat so she wouldn't be left alone. I didn't even want to leave her in the morning to work, but if I didn't we wouldn't be able to survive; we can barely manage financially as it is.
Maybe if she never left home, maybe if we never ran away together all those years ago, She would be living comfortably with her family's wealth, rather than struggling to make ends meet with me. She wouldn't have had to endure this pain if she just rejected me from the start.
Maybe he would've lived if I could've afforded better care for him. Maybe we would be okay right now. They say money can't buy happiness, but it can sure buy piece of mind.
I feel so sorry. So sorry for taking her away into this terrible, difficult, painful life with me. We've had many trials in our time, but this has been the worst. I don't know that either of us have ever hurt this badly before.
But things haven't been all bad.
Thinking about it, would I have given up the past 8 years her even if I knew it was going to be this hard for both of us? Would I have given up those beautiful 5 years with my child, knowing it was going to come to this?
Honestly, I don't think I would. I know things would have been easier, but life was good.
In a way... Life still IS good.
Because even though this terrible thing happened, even though we lost something so dear to us; the living, breathing transpiration of our love; we still have us. And we have memories. Good memories. Memories filled with love and happiness. And we shouldn't stop making good, happy, love-filled memories. He wouldn't want us to stop.
"I love you, Daddy."
I remember the first time he told me. And he told me I made him happy, and that when he saw me happy it made him glad. He WANTS us to be happy. So shouldn't we? For his sake?
I think we all want to be happy. Even if it might take some work.
"Zelda..." I said, staring at the ceiling.
"Yes?" She replied, looking over at me, almost shocked I spoke. It had been awhile since we really spoke.
"Zelda, I love you." I whispered. "I really, really love you. I hope you know that." I reached over and grabbed her hand, lacing her fingers with mine. She threw herself into me and I could feel her shaking slightly from crying. I put my arms around her and it feels so good. Something that should've been done a long time ago.
"I love you, Link." She whispered against my chest.
"I think... Well, I think if we work together, we can start getting through this. And we can start trying to be happy again."
"That's all I wanted, all along." She said quietly.
"I think it's what he would've wanted too." I replied. "And I think we should start by getting some much needed sleep."
Then, unexpectedly, she leaned up and kissed my lips. And there was so much love in that kiss. And so much hope. And for the first time in awhile, I wasn't so scared and I wasn't so hurt, and I finally started to believe that maybe, just maybe...
Things will be alright again.