Understanding
As a staff member of the local at-risk youth center, Aletha has had her share of trials and sufferings. Her heart breaks for her kids and their situations, and she helps to carry their burdens as best she can to allow her kids the chance to be young. Most days, she is successful, and they have a bit of normalcy. Days like today, however, are the one thing she hates in this job, and, finally at her breaking point, she cries out to the only one who understands – God Himself.
"Aletha, are you coming?"
"I'll meet you there. I just need a few minutes."
"Okay. It was a beautiful service."
"Yes, it was. Go ahead, I'll meet you there."
"I'll let them know you're coming."
"Thank you."
I started to watch her walk away, but then she stopped and turned around again.
"Hey Aletha… it'll be okay."
All I could give was a small smile.
"Thanks
Bree. I'll catch up in a bit."
She understood, and simply
nodded and continued on her way. She knows that I have some things
to sort through first.
I love my job, really I do. I get to help inner city kids do and see things they never thought possible. The best thing about my job is that I get to do it in a Christian environment, and share Christ and His love along the way. There are hard days, but it's been an amazing journey. But days like today, I just can't take anymore.
"Lord, I don't understand!"
"Understand what?"
"He was eight Lord!"
"I know daughter."
"No you don't! He was eight years old! A child! A baby! He had his whole life in front of him, and then in just one second he…"
"For I know the plans I have-"
"Plans! What plans? Plans to prosper, not to harm! Well that one's out the window! Plans to give a hope and a future!1 What future did you give him? Now I'm supposed to walk into that house, look his family - his mom and dad, his brother and sisters, in the eye and say how this was all part of your plan! No! I won't!"
Yes, I know - I'm wrong, but I can't help it. All the frustration and hurt I had inside finally erupted, and the only action I could take was to throw my Bible across the room, hitting the candlesticks on one of the tables and knocking them to the ground.
"BE STILL."2
I heard the command – not harsh or judging, but loving, and at the same time, stern. I dropped to my knees, sobbing.
"I don't understand Lord! He was eight years old, walking to church! He never did anything to them; no one in that family did. They just drove past, taking aim and firing at anyone or anything. His brother had to watch and try to help him while his sisters went running and crying for help.
"Five minutes. The doctor told me they were too late by five minutes. You could have helped him; had the paramedics one block closer, had the doctor there instead of across the street getting coffee. But you didn't! You had the power to protect him, but you didn't! I don't understand! Didn't you love him? Wasn't he one of your children? Now, after all this, you expect me to just walk into that home and say this was your plan! I don't know how!"
"Lean not on your own understanding…"
"In all my ways acknowledge You…"
"And I will direct your path."3
"Okay. I don't walk alone, and you guide me, and you'll be with me when I walk in to talk to them, but their question will be the same as mine is now. I know you aren't a safe God, but You are good. At least, that's what I have always been told. But I'm getting to a point where I don't know how much more I can take. I'm twenty-one, and have been to funerals for three kids under thirteen in the past four years. I want to know how You can let things like this happen, but still call Yourself loving."
"Daughter, who truly causes evil? Does it belong to me? Or another?"
I now take a deep sigh and think. I know He isn't the root cause of evil. He knows it will happen, but He did not cause it.
"The Devil."
"He is real. Very much so. And constantly moving."
"But that's just it! I know the devil is real, and that he has an impressive impact on people – he and his followers, the demons, spirits and such. I believe they are real and very much very conniving creatures. But if we didn't listen to him, if we acted differently, then maybe, there wouldn't be so much evil done against each other!"
"For wherever there is jealousy and selfish ambition, there you will find disorder and evil of every kind."4
The verse came into my mind as something I had read earlier. When I wrote in my journal about it, I realized I had answered my own question. Man has evil tendencies. We are selfish beings, full of pride. It doesn't really matter whether or not we try to be nice – ever since the fall of man, there is a little bit in all of us that is self-serving and disobedient, and, if we give into it, we will ultimately destroy ourselves.
I was beginning to under stand a bit. When we sin, we invite Satan into our hearts and our minds. No, he is not the Lord of our lives, but we have invited him in, and he is going to do everything he can to stay there as long as possible. As long as we give in to our selfish natures, Satan rules. And the fall didn't only affect our spiritual lives! Everything became harder after Adam and Eve! They were in paradise, and the fall caused the world to become hard. Their labor was hard, and they began to question things, which allowed for the misguidance of their children, who as generations went on, led their own children down destructive path until we ended up where we are now!
"The foolishness of man ruins his way, and his heart rages against Me. My Son Adam lost his judgment and made his choice, which affects my children till the end of days, but I am victorious.5
"My loving kindnesses indeed will never cease, my compassions will never fail. They are new every morning."6
Even as I heard this, one thought kept running in my mind. The story of Job. Poor, poor Job. He loved God, that much was obvious, but maybe it really wasn't true love. Maybe it was more of a fear for, or rather, of Him. Job was a part of the old covenant, so anytime something happened, he would sacrifice the appropriate creature to make it right. In fact, he even sacrificed creatures on the off chance that something would happen. I kept trying, but I couldn't remember the rest of the story. I looked around for my Bible, and remembered, rather sheepishly, where it was. I stood to get it, and flipped to Job to get the rest of the story. Job feared God, but maybe more as an insurance policy that truly loving Him. When all of the bad things were happening, he even said, 'This is exactly what I was afraid of.'7 In fact, he said it a few times. He didn't know God as a wonderful God, but only feared Him as a terrifying one.
As I continued to read, something else dawned on me. The devil had to ask God's permission to harm Job. That makes sense, in a way. God is God; no one is more powerful. In fact, the devil couldn't then, and still can't now, do anything that God doesn't allow him to do! I get it! God "used" the devil to bring suffering to Job to move him from that religion based on fear to possibly having a real, loving personal relationship with Him. And it worked; at the end of his trial, Job realized he had been wrong!
"I have heard of You by the hearing of the ear; But now my eye sees You"8
"Yes."
"I get it. Job had only known You by fear; he didn't truly love you. You allowed the evil in his life to happen so you could use it to draw him into a relationship with you. A real relationship of love, not fear. You allowed the harm to come to Job for his own ultimate good, and you blessed him many times over after his trials. You always loved him, and you didn't allow anything to happen that he couldn't get through. You never do."
"I am with you always…"
"To the very end of the age."9
"And there is a better place. This world is not eternal, and justice will come. There will come a time when the hard times will be no more. But not yet my daughter. Not yet."
"I'm still confused. The evil in this world happens because we choose to go astray. Why let us choose? The world would be so much better if we didn't even have the ability to choose!"
"Who killed Abel?"
"Cain."
"Why?"
Jealousy, obviously, but that's not the answer He wanted. There was more. Why did Cain kill Abel? Yes, he was mad. Yes, his feelings were hurt. But kill his own brother? There were other ways to handle the situation, but Cain chose to – oh.
"He chose to."
"Yes."
"That's my point! Why let us choose at all? We know what is wrong and what is right, but still we do wrong. Why even let us do that which is evil or wrong?"
"Do you love me?"
"Yes."
"Why?"
"Because I choose to."
"You choose me. You love me because you have the will to pick. With no will, you would love me, but for what?"
"So we are given free will, and with that we make the choice to love you or not."
"Yes."
"Do you regret it? Giving us free will?"
"No."
Just that simple a response. No, He doesn't regret giving us free will. He loves it, because we choose to love Him. That free will is a part of Himself that He puts in all of us because we are made in His image. We wouldn't fully love Him as much as we should if He hadn't of given us the choice to. We wouldn't fully be able to appreciate the sacrifice He gave for us.
"When we hurt, you hurt. Your heart is breaking just as much as this families' heart. You know the pain they are experiencing of losing a son because you've gone through it. You gave up your son willingly, and saw Him in pain, heard His cries. You know their pain – you take it as your own."
"Yes. I do."
"I understand more clearly now. You do have a plan for him; his death is only the beginning. Now it's my responsibility to comfort this family, and remind them of your love, your unfailing love, and you alone know the rest."
"I know the plans I have for you."10
"And now I understand."
I really was beginning to understand. Yes, his death is horrible, and yes, I am still upset, but I understand. It had to happen this way. God knows what will happen; He always has and always will. I picked up the candles, and made my way to my car. On instinct, I turned on my radio and the first words I hear are:
"And as Your mercy falls, I raise my hands and praise the God who gives and takes away. I'll praise You in this storm, and I will lift my hands for You are who You are no matter where I am. Every tear I've cried, You hold in Your hand. You never left my side, and though my heart is torn, I will praise You in this storm."11
I looked down at the steering wheel, allowing myself to let a few tears fall, not for the last time, I'm sure, and whispered "Yes, I will. Now, and always, I choose to praise You."
1 Jeremiah 29:11
2 Psalm 46:10
3 Proverbs 3:5-6
4 James 3:16
5 Proverbs 19:3
6 Lamentations 3:22-23
7 Job 3:25
8 Job 42:5
9 Matthew 28:20
10 Jeremiah 29:11
11 "Praise You in This Storm" – Casting Crowns Lifesong