It's been three weeks. I finally mustered enough courage to come here and see you. I wish I could explain to myself why you did what you did. What, what possessed you to go in there alone? I just wish I knew so I could stop asking myself what I could have done differently.
I love you.
Using the security cameras to watch for Derek entering the building wasn't on the list of approved uses, but the moment she saw him she jumped from her seat. Not before noticing her baby's appearance; how could he let himself walk out of the house like that. His goatee was scruffy, and she just knew that Derek hadn't had a decent nights sleep in months. She wiped at her eyes, she couldn't believe it had been two months. Penelope gave herself a little shake, put on a brave face and walked into the bullpen. With a smile to Emily she wrapped her hand around Derek's bicep and almost frowned when she noticed it felt slighter than the last time she had held him there.
"Come with me Sugar." She gave him tug and he came willingly or more went with where she was taking him. Penelope had a plan, she was going to get Derek to talk to her. He was going to cry on her shoulder and she was going to hold him all the while and wait it out. Penelope was going to make sure her baby got better.
"Baby," Penelope sat him down in her chair, "what are you doing to yourself?" She brushed a hand softly along his temple.
"Nothing," Derek grunted and pulled away from the contact. Yes, 'nothing' summed it up to what Derek had been doing. He hardly ate, the dark circles testament to how little he slept and he could iron and press his shirts all he wanted; there was still sadness pouring off him. Who'd he think he was kidding?
"Don't lie to me Derek," Penelope said too sharply but softened her voice quickly. "I just want to help you. Talk to me."
"There's nothing to talk about." He tried to stand but she wasn't having it. Derek wasn't leaving here until he talked to her. "If I wante-"
"Not talking about it isn't going to make it any less real Derek." Penelope grabbed his face and made him look at her, "Spencer is-"
"Shut up," he growled and broke away from her hold and stood, nearly pushing her down in the process. "I'm-" Penelope held up her hand, she didn't want to hear apologies from Derek.
"Derek, you keep doing what you are, and see how long it takes you to join Spencer." Penelope pointed to the door, she wanted to help her sugar baby, but there wasn't much she could do when Derek didn't want help. Her heart broke more when he gladly walked out the door. Penelope stared after him a long time hoping that he'd would come back and start to talk.
She sat down at her desk and gently lifted a framed picture of Spencer and Derek they had given her. "Oh genius baby." She ran a finger over his smiling face, "why'd you go and leave us like that?" Penelope put the picture back in it's place and placed her headset on.
Penelope's angry again, keeps saying, 'this isn't helping you.' She's started calling me that a lot more. Derek. I tried to tell her that it wasn't unhealthy so does it matter. I know what you would say, something with a lot of statistics and facts. Probably piss me off too, they'd agree with Penelope.
I miss you so much.
Hotch watched from the doorway as Morgan poured sugar into his coffee. "Morgan?" he didn't answer on the first try, or the second. "Morgan?" more sharply that time, like Hotch had called him in the field.
"Hey." Hotch saw dark, empty eyes that looked at him a moment before focusing on the mug Morgan was holding tightly. "We gotta case?"
"No," he said softly before looking down at the coffee. "Morgan you don't like sugar in your coffee."
Morgan's hand flinched and as he put the mug down roughly the hot coffee splashed over the rim and burned him. "Yeah, I don't." He stepped away from the counter and Hotch saw that he had missed a button on his shirt, his tie not even done all the way. "I'll see-"
Hotch put his hand on Morgan's shoulder and ignored that he looked pained by the touch. "Maybe you should go down to Garcia," he said softly. Morgan looked at him with confusion. "Morgan," there was nothing Hotch could do for the shirt but he fixed the tie a bit to hide it, "go talk to Penelope." Morgan looked down at himself before rushing off. Hotch stared at the black coffee that had to be sickeningly sweet for too long before picking up the mug and pouring the liquid down the sink.
On the way to his office he stopped and had a quiet word with JJ, making sure no new cases were eminent. He wasn't sure he could send Derek into the field on good conscience. All he wanted was to find the right words to say to him that would help ease him through. He wondered if even a simple action, ordering Morgan to stay with Spencer, would have changed anything now.
Mom came to town last night. I think Garcia called her. I wouldn't talk to her anymore so she gets the one person I won't slam a door on to show up on my step. Completely and totally unfair, dragging her here when there's nothing wrong. She cried, Spencer, and I didn't know what to do. I didn't understand why she was crying. It didn't make any sense.
Fran watched her baby looking at himself in the mirror. His face gaunt and pale, beard so scruffy he resembled Agent Rossi; her heart kept breaking every time she looked at him. She searched inside herself for those words to say to him, and berated herself that she couldn't. Fran felt as Derek's mother she, at the very least, should have that something to say. That something that would help towards healing. With cautious steps, because Derek had been more on edge during this visit then she'd ever seen him, she came to stand next to him at the mirror.
"Hey there baby." Once he was looking at her in the mirror, or what passed for Derek looking her in the eye, she leaned her head against his strong shoulder.
"Hey." He tried to smile but she could see that it didn't reach his eyes. "Mama, I told you I'm fine. You should really get home."
Fran didn't say anything but with all the strength she could muster she reached up and gripped his shoulder. She turned Derek to her and wrapped him in what she hoped were her mother-strong arms. "You're not fine baby," she whispered against his temple. She wondered how her baby could feel so small in her arms when he towered over her. "But you will be." Fran smiled and she knew her eyes were shinning with tears. "Time really does heal all wounds." She smiled apologetically for being cliche, she could see Derek didn't care; his eyes wide and shinning with his own tears. "So baby why don't you get cleaned up and let Mama treat you to some lunch."
Derek nodded absently and Fran felt her chest seize watching him struggle to pull it together. She framed his face with her hands and brought him down to her level and placed a gentle kiss on his cheek. "You promise your Mama that you'll try, because I know it hurts, I know it feels like nothing is ever going to look bright again. But baby storms pass and hurt heals. When the day comes and you wake up and realize the blessing it was you got to spend even a short bit of your life with Spencer you'll even find that you'll smile again." Derek pulled away a bit but Fran wasn't giving him much slack and he buried his face in her hair and cried softly. She held her baby and rubbed his back, whispering the secret comforts of mothers.
I miss you so much.
Emily came into JJ's office grinning ear to ear, "I've got something to show you! Close your eyes."
JJ gave her a look but complied. "What are you doing?"
"I've been working on it for months," Emily tried to hide the sad hitch in her voice. She'd started practicing this before they'd lost Spencer; she'd wanted to surprise him. "Okay open them!" They both watched as the 'magic trick' shot up and across the room. Both woman erupted into laughter that shortly turned into them wiping at their eyes.
"Oh," JJ sniffed, "I miss that."
Emily went and stood by the window looking down at the bullpen. "Me too," she said quietly. "I miss a lot things."
"His smile." JJ came to stand next to her.
"Laugh."
"Random statistics," they chuckled lightly. "I miss his smile too." JJ was watching Derek and Emily couldn't help but focus on him also. He was sitting at his desk; cold coffee at his elbow, a stack of reports and eyes down cast. But it was the look in his eyes, or the lack of one, that tore at both of them.
"His laugh." Emily wrapped an arm around JJ's waist and pulled her close to rest her head on the blonde's shoulder. JJ had a way of making her feel safer, must have been the mother in her. "I want to make it better for him."
JJ laid her head on top of Emily's. "His mom came to town a few weeks ago." She brought a hand up to wipe at a stray tear. "I think this is something Morgan's going to have to do on his own. For now he doesn't want help."
"We should still try," Emily insisted but it was only half hearted. Penelope had been trying the longest and hardest out of anyone on the team. "Garcia hasn't had much luck." Emily straightened up, "I shouldn't think I would either."
"I heard Hotch and Rossi talking. Rossi said he's going to have a word with him." JJ and Emily shared a look.
"I don't see that working out any better than all the times Garcia's tried," Emily said honestly.
"I don't know." JJ gave Derek one more look before pulling herself a way from the window. "Maybe Morgan needs someone to take off the kid-gloves." Emily bit her lip, "don't worry Rossi wont hurt him."
"No more than he's already hurting himself," Emily said quietly and JJ nodded, her eyes watching Emily watching Derek.
I don't think I'm fooling anyone any more. Hotch sees it, Rossi sees it. Penelope's been on my case since the beginning. It's a waiting game now, I guess.
P.S. I think Gideon came by, there's a chess piece here that wasn't before.
Dave watched Morgan for some time before sitting next to him at the bar, some things needed a much more direct approach. He'd over heard the girls talking about Morgan, about how withdrawn he'd become, how pale and sickly looking he was. All things that were slowly killing the young man next to him. Dave had held fast to his original plan, to allow Morgan time to heal on his own. No one should try to force it, but one conversation with Aaron and he'd been just as concerned with the rest of the team.
He knew that losing a loved one wasn't easy. It didn't heal over night or even in a few long months, but it was time that Morgan start on the path. If he needed a hand in finding it any of them would be there for him. Morgan just needed to reach out, or in this case, have one of them reach out to him.
"It's hard when we lose someone we love," he started so softly that Derek had to lean in to hear him. "The ground being ripped from under you, gasping for air as you free fall. It's harder when you think there's something you could have done." Rossi turned his dark eyes on Derek, "it's even harder still when there was nothing you could have done but you can't let yourself accept that."
Morgan went to throw his card on the bar. "Everyone thinks they can just make this better, but," he slurred.
Dave let his hand fall on Morgan's shoulder stopping him short. "Think about Reid, think about the man he was. What would he say to you right now?" He knew that they were harsh words for Morgan to hear. 'The man he was..' and Dave only had harsher words for him. "Spencer is dead, Derek. Nothing is going to bring him back. So maybe you should start remembering who he was and stop mourning that he's no longer here."
Dave slipped Morgan's card into his breast pocket and threw enough money down to handle tab and tip before hefting him up and helping the inberiated man out of the bar and into his car.
They were half way to Morgan's house before the heavy silence was broken. "I hated watching sci-fi movies," Morgan mumbled his head pressed tightly against the cool glass. "Every single one of them." Dave remained quiet knowing that Morgan needed to say this. "It felt like torture to sit there and watch them, specially the bad ones. God," he whispered, "Spencer never shut up during them." He lapsed into silence and Dave waited on. "Can't stop watching them now," there was an almost smile in his voice, "can hear every little comment pretty boy had to say too." Right before Morgan started to snore he said barely above a whisper, "wish I hadn't complained so much."
Derek didn't know how he looked, a man standing in the middle of a cemetery, lone flower gripped in his fist so tightly that the stem was broken and hanging limp. But it had hit him; this was the last time he was coming here for some time. And the revelation terrified him; how could he possible leave his pretty boy alone.
A gentle tug on his sleeve brought his gaze to girl maybe seven years old, her left hand curled around her own flower stem.
"Are you lost?" he asked uncertainly, their little section of cemetery was empty.
"Hi," she smiled sweetly, "I'm Anne and I've seen you here a lot."
"Where are your parents sweetheart?" Derek asked softly, his eyes still only focusing on Anne. Turning to look at her had brought Spencer's plot in sight and he was having a hard time looking that way.
"My Daddy is sleeping over there," she pointed towards Spencer's grave. "Mommy calls it sleeping but I know better. Daddy died, his heart wouldn't work for him any more." Derek turned when he heard fast approaching footsteps.
"Anne Reynolds what are you-" Anne's mother stopped short when she got a good look at Derek. "Anne I hope you're not bothering this gentleman."
"No bother at all Ma'am," Derek smiled.
"Misser," Anne pulled on his sleeve again, "who do you come to visit?
"Anne," her mother reprimanded sharply, "you don't ask questions like that."
Derek held up his hand, "it's alright," he dropped to Anne's height. "Would you like to meet him?" Anne took his hand and lead him to Spencer's resting spot. "Anne this is my friend Spencer," it felt silly but the young girl had reminded him too much of his young partner.
"Hi Spencer," Anne waved happily, "you're very lucky to have someone like.." she looked up at him.
"I'm Derek, sorry," he rubbed his neck absently.
"Like Derek." She finished before barreling on, "he comes to visit you all the time. I know because he leaves you letters. I started leaving my daddy letters too. Do you get them in Heaven, do angels deliver them for you?"
Derek watched in amazement as Anne talked non-stop to Spencer, all the while a smile on her face. He looked away suddenly and found Anne's mom watching him but didn't care when the tears started to slip down his cheeks. How could she be so strong and happy? He wiped at his eyes and turned his attention back to Anne, she was looking at him with big blue eyes.
Anne wiped at his tears, "was Spencer your best friend?"
Derek couldn't believe the laugh that escaped. "Yeah," he closed his eyes for a moment, "he was."
"Anne," her mother called her attention softly. "We've got to go sweetheart."
"Okay Mommy," she said brightly. Derek was blown away again by her smile. "Derek?"
"Yes Anne?" it was taking a lot to keep his tears at bay.
"I'll watch over Spencer for you, I'll even write him letters. He wont be lonely while you heal." She patted his cheek and skipped to her mother's side.
As soon as they were away he let the tears fall. He wasn't even going to try and work out how she knew, children were special and there wasn't any other reason. He finally let his eyes focus on the rock in front of him.
"Hey there pretty boy," Morgan laid his hand on the cold stone. "This, um, this is going to be the last time I come to see you for a while. So, I wanted to tell you in person, you know, not through some letter. You wont be lonely though, Anne'll keep you company." He wiped at his eyes furiously, "Hotch pulled me from field work until I get my head back on better. He thinks, and I agree, that I need to talk to someone. I miss you Spencer," Derek dropped down and felt very foolish but leaned forward and rested his cheek on top of the smooth headstone. "I'll think about you everyday, promise, that's not going to change. I just," a small sob pushed between his lips. "I just need some time." He stood quickly. "I love you Spencer Reid," he touched the stone gently with two fingers.
Derek hurried away from the plot, his eyes roamed the cemetery in any attempt to keep the one promise he'd made to himself. He wouldn't look back. He saw Anne and her mother a couple dozen yards away at there own headstone and warmth uncurled inside him. The little girl was full of life, laughter and kindness. Derek knew if let himself he could be too, he just needed to let go and start healing.
Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds
I would never do deathfic, but I was listening to Probably Wouldn't Feel This Way by LeAnn Rimes, (which is where the title came from, no those lyrics don't show up...I don't think they do) and this bunny would not leave me alone. I actually wrote this back in July, yeah, I know. And it's sat on my HD ever since, taunting me. "Why do you hate me, put me up so others can enjoy me!" I'm crazy insurcure about my writing on good days... So with a new genre-y thing and all it was ten times worse.
I didn't put linebreaks in cause I figured the letters were transition enough. If not, let me know. I'll fix it.