A/N: This'll be several chapters long at least, and focus on a lot of different aspects and scenes that could have happened before and after that fateful day when Roxas left the Organization. Yay for writing lost-his-marbles-Axel! Anyway, I hope you all enjoy!

Sometimes he'll forget he's gone. Sometimes he'll go up to his room and think he'll be sitting there, waiting for him. It's a shock that he's never there, even though his head is telling him he's been gone for weeks and that he's going crazy. It's phantom limb syndrome to the extreme – because he knows he's there and he can feel his smaller body mashed against his own – and then he'll opens his eyes and then, nobody, nothing. Nothing – not a letter or a kiss goodbye or even a lock of hair for remembrance or twisted nostalgia. He's got to be there, he has to be, because everyday they have to go on missions, kill heartless, take orders, and without him there would be no point in ever gaining a heart.

There'd be no one to fucking give his heart to with Roxas gone, and that scares him more than anything else.

The dreams he has are so, so, vivid that every night a part of him (the part that shouldn't exist because in the end he is just a nobody and shouldn't feel, can't feel) dies and it's like losing that " phantom limb" –his most precious person – over and over and over again.

Axel would choose dying and fading and never existing a million times over Roxas being nothing more than memories and phantom touches.

Because it just hurts too damn much to not have the blond spikes pressed against his chest and to not hear the gentle sighs of constant breathing.

Maybe somewhere, in his fake town in his oh-so-fake bed, Roxas feels something missing, too. But it'll be different – because this boy isn't like his Roxas. This Roxas will not remember him at all; at most he'll remember a few recollections of hazy kisses and fighting with a giant key. He will have his missing piece, but will be without the memories and power and knowledge of what once was to fix it.

Sometimes Axel will lounge on the old clock tower and look beside him and expect to see his Roxas – ice cream in hand, clad in a black coat, and looking out at the sunset. Instead, this Roxas looks like an ant down in the streets, walking around with those other kids that his black-coated Roxas didn't like because the blond boy was a stubborn ass, the girls' eyes scared him - reminded him too much of Axel's own, and the pudgy boy ate too many ice creams to only have one stomach.

Seeing that Roxas so oh-so-different and not his anymore makes his brain spin, his stomach lurch and the non-existent place in his chest ache worse than it already was. He closes his eyes, jerks his head away from this new boy and makes a decision.

This new boy jumps in fear when Axel appears in front of him, purple and black darkness peeling away from his body and vanishing into nothing. This new boy gasps when Axel shoves him roughly against the shaded alley wall, his breath hot like raging fire, burning his neck and giving him goose-bumps. Roxas' eyes widen with uncertainty and hesitation and he chokes on question bubbling in his throat.

"Axel. Got it memorized?" the redheaded stranger smirks, letting his hand trace up the curves of his inner thigh, and he's so close that Roxas can nearly taste him. For some reason, Axel thinks, the breathing of this Roxas smells so sweet just like his, and the thought is so dizzying it makes him slam his lips against the shivering boy, attacking his mouth and filling it with pain and twisted nostalgia and everything else he's been going through in the past few weeks. His tongue twisted and fought into Roxas' mouth, kissing him so hard it felt like he was trying to kill him rather than kiss him.

Roxas struggled, trying to fight off this strange older man and his overly-straight forward advances, but his body soon goes limp and numb and he's like putty in Axel's fiery hands. He leaves kisses down his neck, biting and trailing down the pale skin and his teeth and hands attack Roxas' shirt, tearing it open so the rest of his body can have more access. His hands roam freely and not-Roxas-but-Roxas fails horribly at stifling a moan. Axel's attention returns to the boy's mouth, silencing him with a long, violent kiss while his nimble fingers play with the skin of Roxas' soft stomach.

"Please….stop.." the boy mumbles his half-plea as Axel breaks the kiss for air. He moves in again and again, coating Roxas' mouth with short kisses and mutters in between them " No." before slamming his body higher up on the wall and spreading his legs. His mouth slams on Roxas' again, and his hands make short work of the button and zipper on his two-toned pants.

"Stop..stop.." Roxas shakes his head but doesn't fight him, it's like part of him wants to get the hell out of here and part of him wants this so, so bad. He shouldn't have thoughts like this – towards the black-coated man who slammed him against the wall and is having his way with him – he shouldn't feel like this. Shouldn't feel like this is what he's always wanted, because he's never seen this man in his life and he's so sure he hasn't. He never knew he was missing something in his life – because he has his friends and his town and it's so perfect. He feels cold and broken, but at the same some so much more alive. Axel's hands dipped below the waistline of his pants, and Roxas moaned and screamed and begged for it to stop and for more at the same time. The taller man's lips curved into a smirk and then he..

"Roxas!" A sudden shout came from the end of the alleyway, and Axel's eyes took their attention off the boy for the first time in many long minutes. He laughed, a chuckle that was both sinister and broken. Olette and Hayner came speeding down the alley – shoes squeaking over cobblestones wet from the water running from under a nearby dumpster. Roxas saw them and tried to break free, but one of Axel's arms held him pinned to the wall.

"Get away from h-!"

Axel's smirked widened even more, body shrouded in darkness as he faded away. "Roxas!" Olette helped the boy to his feet, but to no avail. He was shaking so bad his teeth were clanking together.

When Axel finally stumbles back into the World That Never Was, it hurts so, so bad and it feels unnatural, but he doesn't check inside Roxas' room to see if he's there and marches straight into his own and dumps his lanky form on the mattress.

Because his Roxas is gone, and he's never fucking coming back.

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