Friends, readers, fellow fanfiction writers! Lend me your attention for the
duration of this story! For your reference, I don't own these characters.
The collective of the writers that have written slash in this section own
most of the ideas. Except maybe the dog fence and the body switch, but
let's not give away too much of the story. This was not meant to single
anyone out or ridicule anyone in particular. It's just a parody. And I am
just a bad writer with too much time on their hands.
Act 1 Scene 1 In the Beginning
Once upon a time, about two weeks ago in the haunted castle at 6 Privet Drive, Voldemort and his minions sat brainstorming the main conflict for Harry Potter's sixth year at Hogwarts.
Voldemort: We're going to unleash a plague of pink muskrats on the school? Is that really the best you can do?
Malfoy: You're the one who made us spend all last year chasing a little ball. Voldemort: If you don't quit contradicting me, I'll go back in time and make your mother marry a Muggle!
Bellatrix: What? One generation of non inbreeding won't make that third eye he had removed go away.
Pettigrew: *laughs, looking out the window*
Malfoy: Why do you think that's so funny? We're related you nimwit!
Pettigrew: No, it's not that.
Bellatrix: Then what?
Pettigrew: There's a boy next door mowing his lawn in a pink dress! And it SOOO clashes with his bonnet!
All crowd around the window.
Voldemort: O.O It's Harry Potter!!!
Avery: Let's get him!
Voldemort: You're dead. Go away.
Avery: Oh yeah..
Avery disappears.
Voldemort: That reminds me. Aren't you all supposed to be in Azkaban?
Malfoy: Oops.
All disappear except for Voldemort. He gets his wand out and takes the elevator down from the second floor of his haunted house.
Harry: I know Aunt Petunia always wanted a girl to help her with stuff, but this has honestly gone too far!
Voldemort: So, we meet again.
Harry: O_O Shit.
Voldemort: You don't even have your wand? Oh well. That's not going to help you. Harry: It did last time, but I'll be too dense to mention it. But I don't think it would have. I usually wouldn't meet you for another 700 pages or so. So this must be it.
Voldemort: Any last requests?
Harry: Yes in fact. Can you let me change out of this dress? It would be quite humiliating to be caught dead wearing it.
Voldemort: *sigh* Very well.
Harry runs inside, changes into other stuff and comes back outside.
Voldemort: . I don't think I can reach you from here.
He opens the gate, but trips over the dog fence and electrocutes himself.
Greece, 3000 BC
Aries: You know, you shouldn't try blow drying your hair in a thunderstorm. You could get struck by lightning or something!
Aphrodite: Oh shut up. You're just jealous because you don't have any hair to dry. Aries: Hey!
Aphrodite: Don't think there isn't a single god or goddess on Olympus or anywhere that doesn't know you only wear that battle helmet all the time because you went bald last century.
Aries: If I were you I would get out of here right now! I've already warned you about the lightning so it's fair ground for foreshadowing! And also it could cause a rift in the time space continuum that will make you switch bodies with someone being electrocuted at the same time except 5000 years in the future! It could create a new and utterly horrible music genre also known as country! It could bring about the end of the world as we know it! It could.
FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ ZZZZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Aries: Do something like that.
5000 years later, 4 Privet Drive
Aphrodite: Where am I? Why is my voice so low? Who are you?
Dumbledore: You're at 4 Privet Drive somewhere in England. Your voice is low because you're in a male's body. And that's Harry Potter.
Harry: What are you doing here?
Dumbledore: I was assuming you would want an explanation for Voldemort switching bodies with the ancient Greek goddess Aphrodite. You see, that magic I told you about last month wasn't as complicated as I made it seem. It's just a dog fence set to fry anyone who looks like a snake.
Harry: Then why didn't it go off when Aunt Petunia was near it?
Dumbledore: Good question. I'll be leaving now.
Dumbledore disappears while Aphrodite has a nervous breakdown.
Aphrodite: EEEEkk!! I'm soo ugly!! *sob*
Harry: You're right about that, but does this mean you're not going to kill me now? Aphrodite: Why would I want to do that?
Harry: No reason. If it's any consolation, you've got magic powers.
Aphrodite: So? I had those before.
Harry: But now you've got hoards of evil minions.
Aphrodite: Cool!
Harry: But they're all in Azkaban or dead.
Aphrodite: Oh.
Harry: But the dementors will let them out if you tell them to.
Aphrodite: Okay! Where's Azkaban?
Harry: Beats me. Ron might know thought. Excuse me while I call him.
Luckily, the Weasleys' number was listed, thought it was misplaced under "Plumbers". At the Burrow..
The telephone rings.
Mr. Weasley: Molly! The fellytone is ringing! I think it's possessed!
Mrs. Weasley: Nonsense! Who would want to make it ring?
Mr. Weasley: Maybe it was Miss Suzie's bell.
Mrs. Weasley: What?
Mr. Weasley: You know. Miss Suzie had a steeple, the steeple had a bell, the steeple went to heaven, the bell it went to hello operator, give me number nine, and if you do not like me, I'll chop off your behind the frigerator, there was a piece of glass, Miss Suzie sat upon it, and broke her little, ask me no more questions, tell me no more lies, the boys are in the bathroom, zipping up their flies are in the meadow, the bees are in the hive, Miss Suzie and her boyfriend, are kissing in the D-A-R-K D-A-R-K dark dark dark as in the ocean, .
Ron: Oh, give me that! It's not possessed! It just means someone is trying to call us! Mrs. Weasley: Oh.
Mr. Weasley: Now I have to start all over again! Oooooohhhhh!!!!1 Miss Suzie had a steeple, the steeple had a bell, the steeple went to heaven, the bell it went to hello operator.
Mrs. Weasley: Oh shut it!
Harry: What the?
Ron: Harry! What's up?
Harry: You've got to check this out! Voldemort fried himself on the dog fence and now he thinks he's a girl!
Ron: O_O AWSOME!!! This I've got to see!! Mom! Dad!! I'm going to Harry's to see how You-Know-Who is handling his newfound femininity!
Mrs. Weasley: Okay! We'll just be getting an exorcist for the fellytone!
End Scene 1
Act 1 Scene 1 In the Beginning
Once upon a time, about two weeks ago in the haunted castle at 6 Privet Drive, Voldemort and his minions sat brainstorming the main conflict for Harry Potter's sixth year at Hogwarts.
Voldemort: We're going to unleash a plague of pink muskrats on the school? Is that really the best you can do?
Malfoy: You're the one who made us spend all last year chasing a little ball. Voldemort: If you don't quit contradicting me, I'll go back in time and make your mother marry a Muggle!
Bellatrix: What? One generation of non inbreeding won't make that third eye he had removed go away.
Pettigrew: *laughs, looking out the window*
Malfoy: Why do you think that's so funny? We're related you nimwit!
Pettigrew: No, it's not that.
Bellatrix: Then what?
Pettigrew: There's a boy next door mowing his lawn in a pink dress! And it SOOO clashes with his bonnet!
All crowd around the window.
Voldemort: O.O It's Harry Potter!!!
Avery: Let's get him!
Voldemort: You're dead. Go away.
Avery: Oh yeah..
Avery disappears.
Voldemort: That reminds me. Aren't you all supposed to be in Azkaban?
Malfoy: Oops.
All disappear except for Voldemort. He gets his wand out and takes the elevator down from the second floor of his haunted house.
Harry: I know Aunt Petunia always wanted a girl to help her with stuff, but this has honestly gone too far!
Voldemort: So, we meet again.
Harry: O_O Shit.
Voldemort: You don't even have your wand? Oh well. That's not going to help you. Harry: It did last time, but I'll be too dense to mention it. But I don't think it would have. I usually wouldn't meet you for another 700 pages or so. So this must be it.
Voldemort: Any last requests?
Harry: Yes in fact. Can you let me change out of this dress? It would be quite humiliating to be caught dead wearing it.
Voldemort: *sigh* Very well.
Harry runs inside, changes into other stuff and comes back outside.
Voldemort: . I don't think I can reach you from here.
He opens the gate, but trips over the dog fence and electrocutes himself.
Greece, 3000 BC
Aries: You know, you shouldn't try blow drying your hair in a thunderstorm. You could get struck by lightning or something!
Aphrodite: Oh shut up. You're just jealous because you don't have any hair to dry. Aries: Hey!
Aphrodite: Don't think there isn't a single god or goddess on Olympus or anywhere that doesn't know you only wear that battle helmet all the time because you went bald last century.
Aries: If I were you I would get out of here right now! I've already warned you about the lightning so it's fair ground for foreshadowing! And also it could cause a rift in the time space continuum that will make you switch bodies with someone being electrocuted at the same time except 5000 years in the future! It could create a new and utterly horrible music genre also known as country! It could bring about the end of the world as we know it! It could.
FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ ZZZZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Aries: Do something like that.
5000 years later, 4 Privet Drive
Aphrodite: Where am I? Why is my voice so low? Who are you?
Dumbledore: You're at 4 Privet Drive somewhere in England. Your voice is low because you're in a male's body. And that's Harry Potter.
Harry: What are you doing here?
Dumbledore: I was assuming you would want an explanation for Voldemort switching bodies with the ancient Greek goddess Aphrodite. You see, that magic I told you about last month wasn't as complicated as I made it seem. It's just a dog fence set to fry anyone who looks like a snake.
Harry: Then why didn't it go off when Aunt Petunia was near it?
Dumbledore: Good question. I'll be leaving now.
Dumbledore disappears while Aphrodite has a nervous breakdown.
Aphrodite: EEEEkk!! I'm soo ugly!! *sob*
Harry: You're right about that, but does this mean you're not going to kill me now? Aphrodite: Why would I want to do that?
Harry: No reason. If it's any consolation, you've got magic powers.
Aphrodite: So? I had those before.
Harry: But now you've got hoards of evil minions.
Aphrodite: Cool!
Harry: But they're all in Azkaban or dead.
Aphrodite: Oh.
Harry: But the dementors will let them out if you tell them to.
Aphrodite: Okay! Where's Azkaban?
Harry: Beats me. Ron might know thought. Excuse me while I call him.
Luckily, the Weasleys' number was listed, thought it was misplaced under "Plumbers". At the Burrow..
The telephone rings.
Mr. Weasley: Molly! The fellytone is ringing! I think it's possessed!
Mrs. Weasley: Nonsense! Who would want to make it ring?
Mr. Weasley: Maybe it was Miss Suzie's bell.
Mrs. Weasley: What?
Mr. Weasley: You know. Miss Suzie had a steeple, the steeple had a bell, the steeple went to heaven, the bell it went to hello operator, give me number nine, and if you do not like me, I'll chop off your behind the frigerator, there was a piece of glass, Miss Suzie sat upon it, and broke her little, ask me no more questions, tell me no more lies, the boys are in the bathroom, zipping up their flies are in the meadow, the bees are in the hive, Miss Suzie and her boyfriend, are kissing in the D-A-R-K D-A-R-K dark dark dark as in the ocean, .
Ron: Oh, give me that! It's not possessed! It just means someone is trying to call us! Mrs. Weasley: Oh.
Mr. Weasley: Now I have to start all over again! Oooooohhhhh!!!!1 Miss Suzie had a steeple, the steeple had a bell, the steeple went to heaven, the bell it went to hello operator.
Mrs. Weasley: Oh shut it!
Harry: What the?
Ron: Harry! What's up?
Harry: You've got to check this out! Voldemort fried himself on the dog fence and now he thinks he's a girl!
Ron: O_O AWSOME!!! This I've got to see!! Mom! Dad!! I'm going to Harry's to see how You-Know-Who is handling his newfound femininity!
Mrs. Weasley: Okay! We'll just be getting an exorcist for the fellytone!
End Scene 1