The Hit Girl Dialogs part 1
Consider this to be an homage to The Wesley Dialogs, by Wil Wheaton. They were originally on his website and portions were printing in some of his books, including "Just a Geek". Check it out!
I recently celebrated my birthday. Knowing how much of a Kick Ass fan I was, a friend located a KA2 Hit Girl figure and gave it to me. It was about 6 inches tall and had Mindy in her Hit Girl costume wearing her mask and included a sword staff, pistols, and six throwing knives. It also included a couple of alternate hands that can actually hold onto those items. I was deeply touched and thanked them profusely. I'd seen it in the store but somehow my dignity had prevented me from actually picking one up. I guess it was admitting that I was too much of a geek or too much of a child at heart. OK, my wife would say I'm just a child, heart be damned, but that's a different story.
I'd just gotten promoted at work and since the new office was pretty bare, I went ahead and put the Hit Girl figure box up on the wall. It happily started at me while I worked, hanging next the mini poster for "If I Stay" that I got at Barnes and Noble for free last weekend. Then the strangest thing happened. I heard someone singing Happy Birthday. You know, in that breathy Marilyn Monroe voice. I turned toward the sound and froze. The little Hit Girl figure in the box was singing. "What the Fu…" I said, interrupting myself because I was at work.
"You mean 'What the Fuck?'" She laughed at me. I began to wonder if I'd cracked from the strain of getting the new job but somehow managed to hold on.
"Yes. But I'm at work, so I shouldn't swear." I replied lamely. I looked under my desk to see if there was a hidden speaker or something. There wasn't.
"Fuck that. Say what you want to say. Don't let the man get you down!" She piped.
I quickly shut my door and looked at her. "Who are you?" I asked.
"Hit Girl, numb nutz! Can't you read the fucking box? Well, technically Hit dash Girl, but I think the dash looks stupid so I'm ignoring it."
"Then why were you singing like Marilyn Monroe?" I asked. What the heck. If I was going to go nuts, this was as good a way as any.
"Who the fuckl is Marilyn Monroe? I was singing like Natalie Portman in 'Leon'. Or 'The Professional' for those dick heads in the states who can't handle the real version. She kicked ass!"
"Natalie was singing like Marilyn… Never Mind." I said, having decided this was a pretty stupid argument to have with a toy. "Well, nice to meet you."
"Nice to meet you too, ass face" she said.
"Hey! Could you please stop swearing? Someone might hear you." I begged.
"You're talking to a toy. The toy is talking back. Do you really think that what I say is going to be the part that gets you hauled off to the loony bin? Look dumb ass, you can relax. My voice is only in your head." I wasn't sure how that knowledge was supposed to make me feel better. "Hey, can you get me out of this box?"
"No." I replied. "You're a collectible."
"Are you ever going to resell me?" I shook my head no. "Then it doesn't matter if I'm 'mint in box', right? So get that box cutter out of the drawer and make with the rescue. They crooked my neck weird when they put me in here and it's been hurting forever." Indeed, when I looked at her closely, I realized she was basically staring at her feet. I took her down off the wall and slit open the plastic. After removing her, I set her down with her weapons next to her.
"Adjust my neck, shithead! I can't fix it myself." I straightened her head and set her back down. "Oh my god that feels better!" She gasped. Then it seemed like her eyes narrowed. "Weapons! Now!"
I put one of the pistols in an alternate hand and then popped off one of her existing hands to swap it.
She screamed in panic. "Aaaahhhh! What the fuck are you doing?"
"Your other hand can't hold anything." I said calmly.
"Oh, right." She replied. She sounded a little embarrassed. Then she brightened. "Hey, would you put my sword staff in my hand, then knock my hand off and say the Darth Vader father speech from The Empire Strikes Back? "
"I'm going back to work now." I said.
She laughed. "Sure you are. I bet you spend half the afternoon watching Youtube."
"Shut up Mindy." I replied.