Grief And Ghosts
Disclaimer: Sadly, I own neither Saving Hope nor Daniel Gillies.
Pairing: Joel & Alex (Jalex)
Rating: T
Summary: Alex gets devastating news.
Author's Note: Borrowed a few lines from one of my favorite episodes 02x08: "The Defriender."
Alex Reid stood in her kitchen drinking a glass of pinot noir and unloading the dishwasher after putting her three children down for the night. She stood next to the open window, the evening breeze shuffling the curtain. She smiled as she heard the sound of her husband's car in the driveway.
Joel's home.
Alex wiped her hands on a dishtowel, leaving the dishwasher open as she headed into the foyer to greet him.
Or she would have if her cell phone hadn't picked that precise moment to ring. Alex sighed and reached into the back pocket of her jeans to answer it.
"Alex Reid?"
Joel watched his wife through the window as he unlocked the front door and let himself inside.
Alex Reid can make the simplest things look sexy.
Drinking wine.
Unloading the dishwasher.
Answering her phone.
He heard the familiar sound of her voice as she answered the phone, "Alex Reid?"
There was a moment of silence followed by the shattering of glass.
Joel ran through the front door and into the kitchen calling out to her, "Hey Reid, are you all right?"
But as he stepped into the kitchen and saw his wife standing frozen in front of the window, her hazel eyes filled with unshed tears, her cell phone away from her ear, with the caller screaming at her to reply; he could see that she was definitely not all right.
"Alex! Alex! Alex, are you there?" The voice on the phone shouted urgently.
It sounds like her brother Doug.
Alex was about to drop the phone so Joel took it gently from her shaking hand, and spoke into it.
"Hey, Doug. It's Joel. I just came home and Alex is really upset. What's going on?"
Joel listened for a moment and realized why Alex was so distraught. "All right, mate. I'll have Alex call you in the morning. Thanks for letting us know. Okay. See you then. Bye."
Alex's mother, Charlotte had just died.
One of the women for whom they had named their daughter.
The woman who had already caused Alex so much pain.
The woman who had all but abandoned Alex to alcohol and drugs and forced her to raise her brothers.
The woman who had made Alex doubt her abilities as a mother.
And here she was causing his beautiful wife yet more pain.
Joel disconnected the call and glanced over at his wife. Her eyes were rimmed with red and several strands of her dark hair had come loose from her ponytail.
Her hands were still shaking.
"I'm sorry. I'll clean up this mess." She whispered, gesturing to the shards of a broken plate that littered the hardwood kitchen floor.
She bent down and started picking up the shards of glass, not even realizing that she cut herself until she saw the dark drops of her own blood on the floor.
Joel shook his head, "Don't worry about that…It's fine. Hey, Reid, you're bleeding." He said taking a clean dishtowel from the kitchen drawer and wrapping it around the cut on the palm of her left hand.
Of course it had to be her left hand.
Alex Reid is a surgeon.
She's a magnificent surgeon.
Her hands are her life.
She's lucky she didn't cut a tendon or an artery.
Alex swayed on her feet staring at the droplets of blood and bits of broken glass on the kitchen floor, whispering, "She's gone, Joel. She's gone."
"I know, love. I know. And I'm so sorry." Joel whispered in her ear as he wrapped his arm around her waist pulling her into his embrace before she could fall.
He walked backwards into the living room and sat down on the couch, still holding her against him, kissing her as she kept whispering, "She's gone…She's gone…She's gone…"
"It's okay, Alex. It's okay." Joel whispered into the shell of her ear, his warm breath against her neck.
Alex shook her head, "No…no…It's not okay. She's gone…And I can't breathe…Joel, baby, I feel like I can't breathe…"
It broke Joel's heart to see his wife in so much pain, her breath coming in quick painful gasps.
"Hey, Alex," He tucked a loose strand of dark hair behind her ear, his fingers gently brushing against her temple as he did so. "Look at me." He said softly, his calm eyes meeting hers. "Just breathe."
Alex inhaled and exhaled again more slowly this time and she felt Joel nod behind her. "That's it; now take another deep breath for me."
Alex inhaled and exhaled again until she felt the tightness in her chest subside and then she moved toward the mess on the kitchen floor yet again but Joel was still holding her.
"I should clean that up…I don't want one of the kids to cut themselves…" She whispered into his shoulder.
"You mean like their mother just did?" Joel asked, softly, as she leaned back into his chest.
"First my father, then Luke, now my mother…I really should clean up that mess…"
"That mess isn't going anywhere. And neither am I. Do you hear me, Alex Reid?"
Alex nodded and let Joel hold her as she cried.
When she paused to catch her breath, Joel spoke again, his voice even and soft. "Did you get the kids down all right?"
Alex nodded resting her cheek against the soft cotton of Joel's t-shirt. "Yeah. All three of them went right down…Charlotte too. Even though bedtime has been a battle with her lately."
Joel nodded, and whispered, "I know," with a ghost of a smile on his face, until Alex started to cry again.
Charlotte.
Thinking about her daughter made her remember the phone call that had led to her emotional breakdown wrapped in her husband's arms. And fresh tears ran down her face.
Joel just held her in silence until she fell asleep, and then he kissed her forehead and laid her gently on the couch while he cleaned up the mess in the kitchen.
He left Alex's half-filled wine glass on the counter.
She might want it later.
He thought before he headed upstairs to take a shower.
Alex knew she was dreaming when she found herself sitting on the porch of one of her many childhood homes.
She was seated on the rickety old porch swing and her brother Luke was seated next to her. He was wearing the same paramedic's uniform that he'd been wearing the day he died.
"Hey, girly," He said, putting an arm around her shoulder like he always used to.
"Hey," Alex replied, "Where's Mom?"
Luke shrugged, "This is your mind not mine."
Alex nodded, and looked at her brother and whispered, "She's gone. She left me, just like you left me."
"I know." Luke answered sadly, "But she wasn't always here, even when she was here. I mean not here, here. Because we're not even really here. But you know what I mean."
Alex laughed, "I miss you."
"I know." Luke answered, "And I'm sorry I had to leave you. But you don't really need me. Not anymore. I was just a pain in your ass. You've got Crocodile Dundee, and those three great kids."
The moment Luke mentioned Joel, he disappeared and instead it was Joel sitting next to her on the swing.
"People always leave," She whispered wrapping her arm around Joel and pulling him close. I don't want to be alone. Promise you won't leave me."
Joel flashed her one of his trademark grins, kissed her lips and answered, "I'm not going anywhere, Reid."
"I love you, Joel. You know that right?" Alex asked resting her head on his shoulder.
"I love you too, Alex." Joel said, another grin spreading slowly across his face.
Just before he disappeared.
Leaving Alex alone.
"No!" Alex shouted desperately, "Joel baby please don't go! Joel!
Joel was out of the shower and practically ran down the stairs when he heard Alex calling out to him in her sleep.
"No, Joel baby please don't go! Joel!"
Joel ran to the sofa where he'd left Alex sleeping and shook her shoulder gently, "Alex, I'm here. I'm right here. You're dreaming, Reid. Wake up!"
After a moment, Alex opened her eyes and looked around with a panicked expression, pulling Joel towards her, her fingers slipping against his wet naked skin.
"Joel…Joel…Joel…" She sighed with relief and whispered his name over and over. "My mother left. Luke left. And you. You left me."
Joel shook his head, "No, Alex. I'm right here, love. I'm here. It's all right."
It tore him apart to see her so distressed.
Alex Reid, the love of his life was haunted by grief and ghosts.
And Joel Goran swore that he would make that grief and those ghosts disappear.
If it took the rest of his life.
He would give Alex some peace.
"Joel, baby, I love you," Alex whispered, her bandaged hand shaking as she reached for him once more.
"I love you too." He replied, giving her a long passionate kiss.
"You know what I could really use right now?" She asked, still not moving from his embrace.
"A glass of wine and some sleep." Joel answered without hesitation.
Alex smiled, "Doctor Goran, you know me well."
"Yes ma'am, I do." Joel said, getting to his feet, going to the kitchen and handing her the unfinished glass of wine.
"Thank you, Doctor Goran." She said softly, as she leaned toward him and kissed the mole behind his ear.
"My pleasure, Doctor Reid." Joel answered as Alex drained her glass in one gulp and followed her husband upstairs.