Disclaimer: Still don't own it, and if I did, Edward Elric would sparkle! Like a vampire! Or Armstrong! (How's that for a horrifying mental image?)
Understanding
Roy rushed to the door and wrenched it open. Two startled sets of eyes set on him, before one pair smoothed into wry amusement.
"Careful there Sonny, don't want to throw the door off its hinges, I'd have to make you pay for it." A gruff voice warned.
"Screaming?" Roy half asked, half demanded as he gazed down at the elderly woman.
Pinako pulled down her face mask and levelled a slight glare at the Colonel. "Automail surgery isn't exactly a walk in the park y'know"
Roy frowned and looked past Pinako further into room. His eyes widened as he took in the scene.
Pinako's granddaughter, Winry, was leaning over the bed making soothing noises towards the person there. A young man (around 23, Roy guessed) was strapped down to the bed with tears streaming from his clenched eyes, his teeth grinding together hard enough that Roy was sure he could hear the enamel chipping away.
"The straps?" Roy asked frowning again as he took in the strong leather keeping the man pinned.
"Pain gets too much for them all so we keep'em strapped so surgery gets done without any issue." Pinako answered. "Now, I know you're some top dog in the military but while you're in my home, you're a guest and will respect the rules here. One such rule is not to interfere and intrude on a patient's privacy during, before and after their automail surgery. It's painful enough as it is without others gawking in."
Roy was startled for a moment before coming to his senses. He gave a quick half-bow to the elderly woman. "My apologies Madam Rockbell, I was concerned and forgot in my haste," and he backed out of the room, closing the door as he left.
Roy knew that automail surgery was painful, it was only logical that it would be; tampering with nerves, attaching and reattaching them to prosthetics fashioned out from cold metal. There was no way that it wouldn't hurt and you didn't have to be a prodigy to know that. Roy knew about the immense pain, so he shouldn't have been as shocked as he was...but he couldn't help it. It was one thing to hear about it and another thing entirely to bear witness to it, to be exposed to such a raw pain and be completely helpless in the face of it.
Not since Ishval had Roy seen a person in so much pain. It brought back memories that he would rather forget and it showed in the way his hand was now shaking, preparing to snap. Roy shook his arm out and quickly made his way to the front door, trying to put as much distance as he could between the renewed painful screams of the young man and his own haunting guilt. He lengthened his stride, pushing himself almost to a run as the countryside began to blur past him.
After a while, Roy let himself slow down. He let himself collapse on the soft green grass on top of a hill and lay down flat. Staring into the calm blue sky, Roy gave himself a moment to collect himself and just enjoy the day in a way he hadn't been able to since joining the military. Risembool was a nice place, Roy mused as he traced floating clouds with his eyes. He took a deep breath, something he would've thought twice about doing were he still at Central, and closed his eyes soaking in the warmth of the sun.
A bright bout of laughter woke Roy from the slumber he was in. He shook his head, trying to shake away the cobwebs in his mind and gingerly eased himself up (I'm not that old yet! Roy grumbled). Leaning back on his elbows, Roy peered down the hill he was on towards a small stream that was bumbling through the small valley. A flash of gold was all he saw before it was submerged into the water from well aimed throw. A tinny voice laughed joyously and Roy smiled at the hulking metal armour that was Alphonse Elric.
"Damn you Al!" A sodden Fullmetal Alchemist dragged himself out of the water, looking more like a drowned cat than a respected state alchemist.
Alphonse laughed again then started to run as his elder brother; bent on revenge, chased him around in circles.
Roy chuckled to himself as he watched the brothers. Sometimes, even he forgot that they were just kids.
Edward smirked before clapping his hands and transmuting the earth under Alphonse into wet mud. The armoured body shrieked as it sunk into the mud before another clap and a flash of blue light solidified the earth around him effectively sinking Alphonse's body halfway into the earth.
"Not fair Brother. You cheated."
"Nyah, don't care. Waddaya gonna do about it?" Edward replied with a cheeky grin.
Alphonse paused for effect before replying with an evil grin that Roy heard rather than saw; "I'll tell Winrrrrrrrrrrrrry."
Edward gaped and looked genuinely frightened. Roy had to stifle a laugh.
"Alphonse, you traitor!" Edward grumbled before transmuting his younger brother free.
"I know," Al agreed cheerfully.
"Come on Al, we should wash the mud off you before Winry sees and throws something and..." Edward trailed off so Roy couldn't hear. All he managed to catch were Edward's mutterings about evil women and wrenches.
Both boys went waist deep into the water to scrub the dirt off them. Edward clambered up like a monkey onto Alphonse's shoulders to wash away the mud that had managed to flick up high enough before Alphonse dunked his brother bodily into the water again claiming to be helping in washing his hair.
It really was peaceful here, Roy lay back again with a contented smile. However, if he was being honest, Roy missed the challenges that the politics of the military gave him. Risembool would only be a small break before he made it back to his own political battlefield.
A loud sneeze interrupted Roy from his musings again. Roy heard Alphonse fretting over Edward getting a cold and telling his elder brother to try and warm up. A clap and another flash of blue followed with Edward most likely drying his damp clothes.
"Yo Colonel Lazy. Sleeping like an old man again?"
Roy opened his eyes and smirked at Edward. "Getting enough sleep is essential for growth. You obviously got less than half of the sleep you should have."
Edward snarled and launched himself at the lounging Colonel who smoothly rolled out of the way.
Edward hit the ground which Roy had just vacated, and with another ferocious snarl moved to take another leap.
Still smirking, Roy quickly got his feet and prepared himself to dodge again.
Edward's attack never came. Instead the young alchemist was left flailing a foot off the ground while his younger brother held him off the Colonel.
"Bastard! I'll get you. Argh, Al! Lemme go Al. I'm just gonna rearrange his smug shit eating face."
Roy bit back the laughter he desperately wanted to let out.
"Sorry for brother Colonel." Alphonse sketched a half-bow while keeping a firm grip on his still flailing brother. "It's getting late and Granny will be expecting us for dinner soon."
Roy noticed the sky had darkened. He must have fallen asleep again. "You're right Alphonse. We should head back." Roy gestured for Alphonse to walk ahead while keeping his distance from the infuriated blond.
"You can let me down now Al."
"..."
"I'm not gonna kill 'im now."
"Brother!"
"Fine fine, I won't kill Mustang unless he says some dick thing again."
Roy grinned at the back of the bickering brothers, still making sure to keep his distance.
As they approached the Rockbell's house, Roy saw a young man coming out of the front door. Pinako and the man exchanged words before he left with a last wave. Roy shifted to the side slightly to let the man pass him on the steps. The man gave a grin in acknowledgement and passed the Colonel.
Roy frowned as he watched the retreating back of the young man as he limped slowly to the cart awaiting him. A woman jumped off the back of the cart to help ease the man up onto the cart and Roy saw the grimace of pain that he was trying to hide.
Roy's mind flashed and he remembered the same man strapped to the table and crying in pain less than an hour ago.
Frowning, Roy shook his head as if to clear it from that image but his mind persisted in its attempts to torment him and the memory returned except this time, it wasn't the stranger who had just left, it was Edward.
Edward, at fifteen, struggling against the restraints, his back arched in pain. Edward, grinding his teeth to keep himself from screaming. His eyes clenched shut and silent, tortured tears trailing down his face.
But that wasn't what happened, was it? Roy's mind whispered darkly.
Edward at fifteen morphed. His face became rounder, his limbs shorter and his torso less scared and defined.
Edward at eleven was howling in pain.
Roy stumbled at the image and fought back the urge to retch.
"Fullmet – Edward's surgery. How old was he?"
With dinner finished and the dishes washed and put away, Roy sat at the kitchen table nursing a cup of coffee; the elder Rockbell woman sitting across from him puffing on her pipe and the teenagers dispersed around the house.
"Eleven. But you know that." Pinako Rockbell took a long drag from her pipe. The light glinted off her glasses as she peered over them at Roy. "Shook you up seeing a surgery." She didn't bother asking, she knew how Roy had felt before.
ELEVEN! Roy's mind screamed at him. Roy grimaced and looked into his cup, avoiding her searching gaze.
"The boy had two limbs to replace. He was eleven and didn't even scream."
Roy's frowned deepened.
"Said Al was hurt more than him so he wasn't allowed to cry."
Roy's fingers tightened around the cup in his hand.
"It's usually three years of recovery after a surgery like that. Edward was determined to only take a year. Never doubted the midget could do it, I just didn't want to see what it would do to him. Coughing up blood and pain from the phantom limbs-"
The chair screeched against the floor as Roy pushed away from the table.
"Excuse me." Roy didn't miss Pinako's knowing gaze as he, once again, left through the front door to escape from the growing sickness he felt creeping over him.
Roy sighed heavily as he sat on the stairs to the front porch and wished for the ability to forget what he had been reminded of today.
But that was the coward's way out, Roy reminded himself. How easy it would be to simply forget all the painful memories of his past and start anew. A new life, with no ghosts or demons haunting him. No responsibilities. No guilt. No doubt, pain, trauma, tears, loss, or hardship.
Where would I be if not for the pain? Who would I be without it all? Roy mused.
The sounds of gravel crunching beneath a person made Roy abandon his thoughts and peer up to see the late-night visitor, only for him to frown as he recognised the unmistakeable bright golden hair.
"What're you doing out here?" Edward asked, by way of greeting.
"I could ask the same Fullmetal. Weren't you upstairs with Alphonse?"
Edward shrugged. "Felt like a walk. Not that it's any of your business."
"Hmm." Roy looked up at the night sky and couldn't help himself from smiling at the sheer number of stars he could see. "The air is so much clearer out here. Makes me miss being posted in the East."
"The hell Mustang?"
Roy was laughing internally at the bemused look Edward was staring at him with. "Small talk Fullmetal. Heard of it?"
"Shut up."
"Come on, you can do better than that."
"Shut up Colonel Shit. Better?"
Roy didn't bother hiding his amusement as his laughter rung around the silent night.
"Weirdo." Edward trudged closer and made to pass Roy on the steps.
As Edward's red coat flared behind him, Roy caught the scent of wildflowers trailing after the teen.
"Their mother is buried in the graveyard to the west. The boys visit her when they can but Edward always makes another trip without Alphonse. Don't know what's going through that boy's head but he always takes wildflowers when he goes." Pinako wiped her hands on a towel as she stared out the window.
Roy looked out the window as well seeing only the green hills and nothing else but determined to follow Pinako Rockbell's gaze to the unseen graveyard that she was no doubt remembering as she looked out to the western hills of Risembool.
"Edward, a moment." Roy twisted around to call to Edward back.
"What?" Edward asked gruffly, standing at the top of the stairs with his arms folding, looking distinctly unimpressed at Roy's request.
Roy patted the stair he was sitting on, a clear invitation to Edward to join him.
Edward's incredulous look made Roy grin. Roy got up off the stair and dusted his pants off unnecessarily before making his way up the stairs to Edward.
As he approached, Roy could see the reflection from the porch light glinting in Edward's lion gold eyes and was forced to repress the urge to shudder from the wild, untamed energy that the boy's eyes possessed.
Roy leaned forward on the railing, resting on his elbows and looking out into the night. He felt Edward shuffle away from him a bit before mimicking him.
They stood that way for a few minutes before the continuous tapping of Edward's foot against the railing let Roy know of Edward's dwindling patience. Roy smiled to himself at Edward's predictability.
"What do you want?" Edward repeated as it seemed Roy was in no hurry to speak.
"Always so impatient Fullmetal." Roy glanced over at Edward who was frowning back at him. "Sometimes patience is needed and that's something you need to learn. There's a reason why they say good things take time."
Even in the dim lighting, Roy could see the angry red flush creep across Edward's face. Just as Edward opened his mouth as if to deliver an angry tirade, the blond paused and looked as he was considering a hidden meaning in Roy's words. "What're you tryin' to say Mustang? Just come out and say it." Edward snarled, less out of anger and more out of defensiveness.
Roy looked at Edward searchingly, as if trying to determine whether it was really acceptable for him to be asking. Did they have that kind of relationship in which Edward would feel comfortable being asked such a personal question from Roy, his superior officer? At this point, did it matter whether or not they did because, damnit, Roy needed to know.
"Your automail – "
"What about it?" Edward growled.
Roy couldn't help but notice the way Edward's shoulder hunched in as if he was shielding himself from an attack. Why would he do that?
A sick sort of realisation began to creep over Roy and he struggled to rationalise away the rage he felt slowly consuming him.
Just because it looks like Edward is shielding himself, doesn't mean he is.
And even if he is shielding himself, it could be because he expects to be physically attacked...but he knows he has nothing to fear from me. As if I'd ever strike him.
He tensed up when I mentioned automail...has someone said something about it?
Has he been treated as less because of it...
Was he made to feel ashamed of it?
Has someone said something against his automail?
Who would dare?
Roy thought carefully before he worded his response. "Did – Have you had any problems with it?"
"Problems? Well it'd be nice if people would stop fucking breaking my automail. Winry throws a fit when that happens. Don't wanna get hit with a wrench again."
Hit with a wrench?
"Not physical problems Fullmetal, I meant has anyone ever said anything to you about it?" Roy noted the way Edward shifted his body, almost as if he were curling in on himself.
"No. What's with that question?" Edward was carefully avoiding Roy's eyes.
What could he say now?
"No...no reason. Curiosity I suppose. It's not every day automail is seen on someone so young."
"Yeah, well I get it okay. People think I'm some kind of freak show, they stare. They get scared of it...of me. What's the fuckin' big deal about automail anyaway? If people didn't need automail, then the fuckin' things wouldn't exist right. Why the fuck do they stare!" The wood splintered under Edward's tight grip on it.
"You're not a freak show." Roy stated harshly.
Edward scoffed but didn't say anything.
"You're not." Roy hissed. He'd burn anyone who said otherwise.
Edward scrubbed his hand over his face and sighed. It was then Edward realised the damage he had unintentionally done to the wooden railing. Roy watched Edward, with the same awe he felt every single time, as Edward clapped his hands together and executed his dazzling alchemy. Edward touched his fingers to the railing and it mended back together flawlessly.
They both stared back into the night.
After waiting for what he believed long enough for Edward to calm down; Roy hesitatingly asked the question that had been tormenting him for longer than he had realised.
"Why did you push yourself after the surgery? Three year recovery time down to one, there's a reason why recovery takes three years."
Edward frowned and glared at Roy as if he were an idiot for having to ask. "I...I fucked up Mustang, I really fucked up and look what happened. I twisted my own mother into some...monster, and I lost my little brother his body. Even when we get Al's – our bodies back – "
Roy had to smile at Edward's determination. 'When,' not 'if.' There was no 'IF' for Edward.
"– I'm never gonna forget what I did –"
And he'll never forgive himself either...
"– That's my sin. And I'll live with it. Course getting automail hurt idiot. But that's the price I had to pay."
"Equivalent exchange?"
"Equivalent exchange." Edward agreed. "Didn't matter if it hurt, I cost Al his body, I wasn't gonna make him wait any longer to get it back."
Roy fought the urge to gape at Edward; he was genuinely surprised that Edward had deemed him trustworthy enough to open up to Roy like that. Then again, Edward seemed to make a habit of surprising him.
Edward exhaled loudly and glanced at Roy; his expression a mix of defiance and uncharacteristic fatigue. "That all? I'm going t'sleep."
Roy felt the overwhelming urge to offer some form of comfort to the younger alchemist, but held himself back instead. He knew now wasn't the time. Edward was only now just comfortable enough to talk to Roy. Roy knew there would be a time when Edward could accept comfort from him too, until then, he would wait.
"...Night Mustang." Edward shoved his hands into his pockets and turned back to the house.
Roy turned to watch Edward returning to the house. The teenager's shoulders were small compared to his own (like a child's should be) but Roy couldn't help but see shoulders that were larger than the boy's frame could hold. Shoulder's that were large enough to hold the massive burden that Edward had put on himself. A burden that Edward wouldn't let anyone ease for him as it was created from his own guilt.
Roy blinked harshly as his eyes began to sting.
Edward's burden was one that Roy knows he would have never been able to carry at such an age. He would have given up long ago. It took Ishval for Roy to realise that he was capable of carrying on despite the pain of living with guilt, and even then, he was much older than Edward's turning point of eleven.
Which was worse? Roy's own guilt over Ishval, or Edward's guilt? At least Roy he could push part of the blame to, Edward wouldn't let himself shift any of his guilt. Did it matter at this point? Guilt was guilt. It had a remarkable way of twisting people and forcing them to become something they were not.
That's what it had done to Roy. Ishval had seen the last of Roy's innocence shredded, but Edward was stronger than him. Edward could still see the good in people. Edward, who, Roy knew, was stronger than he'd ever be.
Not for the first time, Roy has to marvel at the person Edward has become.
Before Edward got to the front door, Roy remembered to reply while desperately hoping he had managed to keep his voice steady. "Goodnight Edward."
Edward half turned back and in that moment, Roy could see Edward's eyes had gone round with surprise at the ease in which Roy used his name. To Roy's amazement, he saw the hint of a smile in the curve of Edward's lips.
Maybe the time when Edward would accept comfort from him would come sooner than he had anticipated.
Roy couldn't wait.
Author's Notes: Don't know how Roy got to Risembool. Don't know why Ed and Al are there either. Why is Roy even at the Rockbell's? Ah well, it works for the story so they're all there,
Not sure about this story, probably because it's the first I've posted with actual dialogue, but it was the only one I had completed and I really wanted to post something again. I'm on a roll, yay.