This is dedicated to Carrie. I really hope you like it.
Tell Me You Still Believe
Somewhere beyond the pain there must be a way to believe we can break through….
She sat in bed, the cream color comforter pulled up over her lap where a book rested. Her fingers rubbed the edges, as her eyes drifted over word after meaningless word, unattained and unnoticed. Her long caramel curls were pulled to the side and clasped with an ebony clip. Her free hand rested on her stomach, the fingers drumming gently.
She dreaded his arrival, dreaded more bad news. She hated the idea of having the same conversation again. The tears welled in her eyes and streamed down her cheeks as she slammed the book shut. What had she done to deserve this? What had she done to have the one thing she wanted more than anything else ripped from her, again and again?
She heard the sound of his footfalls on the stairs and willed the tears to stop. She was tired of crying, sick of breaking down. She wanted to be strong for once. She wanted to be strong like she used to be. She wiped feverishly at the tears, burying her head in her hands as they only fell more rapidly, despite every ounce of her being willing her to calm down.
The door creaked open and he sighed. She tried to turn, to hide the tears but his arms were already around her, consoling her and she hated it. She hated the way he undid the clip in her hair, letting it fall down her back, stroking her head gently as he whispered to her. She hated the way he cradled her, pressing his lips against her temple and brow as he wiped away her tears. Slowly the tears slowed and vanished; replaced by vehemence so undeserved she would have been ashamed if she was not so passed caring.
She shoved at his chest and untangled herself from the covers. Pushing herself to her feet and standing before him, arms crossed, eyes narrowed. The dumbfounded expression on his face only stroked her anger. "Don't do that, not again, not ever."
"What? Comfort the woman I love. I should simply leave you there to cry. I know I am not the best man a woman could ask for but, I do know I should not leave you alone when you are distraught."
"Distraught? Distraught? I am not distraught. I am angry and tired. I am heartbroken." She choked as the tears surfaced again. She raked her fingers through her hair and bowed her head, ducking away as he reached for her again.
"Hermione, my love. I understand how hard this is for you…."
"NO! No you don't! You are not the problem. I AM the problem .I am the reason you can not have a son. I am the reason we will never have a family. You will never know what that feels like." She spat.
"Please, love, sit down. Talk to me."
She inhaled deeply, the pain, anger and desperation ebbed as she dared to look him in the eye. It faded from a roaring fire to a flickering ember, a dull ache. She nodded and sank to the bed beside him, sitting cross legged, her eyes on her folded hands.
He reached for them but she tugged them away. "You are mad at me…"
"I am mad at you because I love you…" Hermione whispered, "I'm mad because you love me so much that you don't care. I am mad because you don't hate me."
"Well maybe that's the problem," Severus grabbed her hands and held them in his own, rubbing his thumbs gently over her skin. "I DO care. I care very much. I want a baby too, Hermione and don't think for a minute that it doesn't hurt. It does but, I love you. I want to be strong for you. I have faith that this will work out. You have no idea how much you have changed me. Before I had no reason to have faith in anything, the only thing I cared about was gone, dead and buried. Then you saved me. Do not misunderstand me. This hurts. I am angry. I want this but, you have to know I could never hate you."
"But this is my fault."
"No, no it's not. You have been through so much. Everything that has happened to you. We knew this was going to be difficult. The healers told us that but, it is not impossible. I do not believe that we will never have a child, Hermione. Someday, someday soon, you are going to be an amazing mother."
Hermione raised her chin and her eyes met her husband's and something in them struck her. They were glassy with unshed tears and she felt the oh-so familiar sting as she reached out to touch his face. "Oh, Severus, I am sorry, so, so sorry."
"Just tell me you won't give up. You are brave Hermione. I know you have it in you to fight forever for what you want. Tell me you still believe…."
Hermione smiled weakly as she reached out, wrapping her arms around his waist. "I still believe. We will have our family."
She sank into his embrace as he pulled her back, covering her with the blanket. "I love you," he whispered as he held her in his arms.
"I love you too."
an. So this is probably a major flop. I have never written this pairing before so I'm really sorry if it sucks. I don't know what to say except I hope you like it Carrie. I'm really sorry it is not better.
Disclaimer – I do not own Severus or Hermione. If I did, I'd be writing another book all about the marauders, just saying.