Disclaimer: I own nothing of WoWP.
You stand in front of the mirror, glazed eyed and tight lip. You peer into those cold brown eyes, nothing. That's what you're whole life's been about, nothingness. You were never the child praised when coming home, or the shiny trophy your parents displayed on outings with family friends, or the one cherished and wanted after or even worth fighting for. Maybe that's why you are the way you are. Maybe that's why you're sick. One touch of affection, one taste of love and it sends you reeling. Suddenly now you're addicted and can't stop.
Of course no one knows but you, only you know the deepest secrets in your heart. You play it off like you don't care and have the attitude of 'Screw the world!' Yet, deep inside you do care and HIS opinion of you matters more than anything. It's your whole life, the bane of your existence. As much as you hate silently admitting it, you know you need HIM like you need the air to breathe. His existence is the only thing that matters to you and as long as he approves of you in the end, you know you'll be able to get through that one day.
You look into those cold, brown eyes and find you're disgusted with yourself. You're in love with the one person you can't have, the one person you can't get out of your head, the one person you have to see every day, the one person you can't escape from. You're in love with your brother and as soon as the thought forms itself into your brain, you feel like vomiting.
You're sick.
You're sick.
Finally you just can't take it anymore and take a black permanent marker and write, etch, and scar into the walls of your room, YOU ARE SICK, all over your walls. You wish you could take it all away, the pain, the loneliness, the revulsion. You know if he were to ever find out, he would hate for eternity and eternity is such a long time. You love him. It's as simple as that and yet it's that one certain truth that will damn you to Hell. You love him; you love him and hate yourself for it.
The girl staring back at you begins to laugh wickedly at your worthlessness. Maybe your parents had a reason, had some premonition that you were a bad seed. Maybe you were unworthy to be loved. Maybe you deserved to be alone and if you didn't before, you sure as hell do now. The air becomes thin around you and you feel as if you can't find enough oxygen to breathe in. You stumble slightly and suddenly you find yourself falling.
Falling
Falling
Falling,
And yet there is no there to catch you. It was as if you were always falling into the vast darkness of nothing. In your imaginary world, Justin would catch you. He would be there for you, he would care about you…..he would love you.
But this is not an imaginary world and the minute you hit the hard, cold wooden floor, the ice water dumps itself on you. This is not your imaginary world. This is the world where you are a Russo, where Justin is your brother, where he is very much in love with Juliet, and how he doesn't love you that way at all. This is the real world.
You feel drops of wetness roll down your cheeks and you start to shake on the floor uncontrollably. When you open your eyes, you're bombarded with the words that make you cry even harder. You're bombarded with the very words that make you disgusted with yourself. You're faced with the very words that make you see yourself for WHAT you really are.
You're sick
You're sick
You're sick.
The words are everywhere and sink into your very core as if they were written in your own blood. You feel a scream start to erupt from your throat and muffle it with your hand as it escapes your lips. Your body is reeling and your mind feels as if it is about to explode. You bang your fists on the floor, pounding them till they become bloodied and the crimson stain flows to the floor.
You don't clean it up.
You want to remember this night.
You want to remember WHAT you really, a disgusting piece of filth.
You then hear your name being called and quickly fix your appearance and with a wave of your wand, all your words are hidden just as is the truth the minute you step out your door. You bring your shoulders back and hold your head high. Your mother's voice becomes more stern and you quickly make your way down the stairs.
"Took you long enough." Your mother snaps at you. "Dinners been ready for almost ten minutes." She continues. You stare at her hustling body while trying to organize the kitchen, putting milk and cheese back in the fridge.
"Sorry." You say curtly.
After all, she couldn't know how much she hurts you. She doesn't need to know how much of an impact her harsh words have. She doesn't need to know anything.
"Watch your tone with me Alex. I swear, I don't what possessed you to think you can speak to me that way but it's ending tonight." She speaks icily turning to face you.
You look her into the eyes before rolling your own. You roll yours to keep from crying. You roll yours to keep convincing yourself that she can't even touch you.
"Whatever mom." You mumble then take your seat.
You wait to get the speech from Justin about not disrespecting your parents and the happy squealing of your mother ensuing afterward, but nothing. No sound, not one word. In confusion you look to your right and find Justin missing. He's not sitting at the table, which is something that never happens. He is ALWAYS there.
"Um, where's Justin?" You ask feebly with some concern leaking its way into your eyes.
Your mother eyes you conspicuously before giving an answer.
"He's upstairs. He said he wasn't feeling good and would eat later. Why?" She asks sharply.
"No reason, just wondering why he wasn't here was all." You say quietly while casting your eyes downward.
"Hey, why don't you go take up a plate for him? Just check how he's doing." Your father pipes in.
The whole family expectantly looks at you. The last thing you want to do at this point is to face the one person who made you the way you are today. The person who made you sick.
"Fine." You say with a huff.
Fine because you're pretending. Fine because you pretend it only irritates you, not pains you. Fine because you've seemed to have been only settled for so you do the same and get a plate, put food on it and quickly make your way up the stairs. As you reach his door, you notice a faint smell of burning. You wrinkle your forehead in confusion and slowly open the door.
He is holding a picture of someone in his hands and a waste basket at his feet. At first you think it's of Juliet, but you realize it's of you. You watch in a daze as he brings it to his lips and your heart leaps in your chest.
"I'll burn you, and maybe the truth will die with you." He speaks softly and with a lighted match, he brings it to flames.
You know your eyes are wide and you're about to slowly back out the door but your clumsy foot knocks itself into something. Suddenly his body turns and by the look in his eyes you know.
The secret is out, but strangely it isn't your secret that's been exposed; it's his.
His eyes are wide with alarm then quickly changes to panic and he opens his mouth.
"Alex- I- I- I can explain! It's not- I swear-" and he stops because he knows the truth's out and there's no way around it.
And suddenly it's as if you see the world differently, because you're still sick; but you're not the only one. He stands before you nervously tangling his fingers in his hair and you know you need to speak, to say something but you're at a loss for words.
"You must hate me." He says quietly.
And you're broken out of your reverie because Justin thinks you hate him and it couldn't be the farthest from the truth. Your feet start to run to him and before he can think you're hugging him, clinging onto him as if for dear life. And suddenly, you're kissing him and hear his gasp but then starts to kiss you back. And his kissing you fiercely, like there's no tomorrow.
Maybe there won't be a tomorrow, but in this moment THIS is all that matters. That you love him, and for once you're not hating yourself for it.
That you love him, and now know he loves you back.
So tell me what you think!