Gwendal has been pacing his office for hours already. Impatient doesn't even cover half of what he is.
People have stopped knocking on his door, too respectful of his growling command that he doesn't want to see anyone but Yozak Gurrier, who is inexcusably late. He doesn't care where all those people ran off to.
And there, Anissina's voice on the other side of the door – is she spying?
"Oh, there you are! He's in a foul mood, I'm just warning you!"
"Then I'd suggest you get as far away as possible, Lady Anissina", is Yozak's calm reply.
Gwendal's heart is beating so loudly he can hardly hear his own thoughts, and he's upset with Yozak for being so late, but even in his agitated state of mind he has to marvel at the man's knack for seeing Gwendal's point of view on things.
Yozak opens the door and offers an apologetic look.
"Sorry I'm late, Excellency. My horse misplaced a step and couldn't walk very well so I had to…"
Gwendal is not interested in hearing any explanations because he is the one who has some explaining to do; he has been wanting to for days now. Yozak's voice dies out and a worried expression spreads over his face. Gwendal knows that he probably looks very tense; Yozak must be thinking that they are facing some great disaster and his being late has cost lives.
Gwendal wants to reassure him as quickly as possible but he doesn't know what to say. The little speech he has prepared and thoroughly rehearsed has flown out the window.
So he does the second best thing and the only thing he can think of – he walks right up to Yozak who is still standing at the door.
Yozak's eyes widen in confusion as Gwendal comes closer and doesn't stop, and then raises his arm and slaps him hard right across his cheek.
It is perhaps true that actions speak louder than words; the slap is loud and the echo would have filled the room if it had echoed in there. They stare at each other and Gwendal realizes that he has probably never been as scared in his entire life.
"Ouch", Yozak says. "That hurt. I said I was sorry…"
"It was not meant as a punishment", Gwendal replies, horrified, and takes a step back. Yozak's cheek is turning bright red. "I am sorry if I put too much force into it. I'm… I just wanted to make my point clear. I'm… a little bit agitated."
"Your point?"
Yozak doesn't look like he understand, and he doesn't even look like he likes Gwendal very much in that moment. The thought makes Gwendal's mouth go dry and he almost wants to apologize and take it back.
But he braces himself.
"I should have talked first", he says. "But you were late and… I've never done something like this before…"
"You've never hit anybody before? Excellency, are you feeling alright?"
Yozak's consternation seems genuine, and it is not at all going the way Gwendal had imagined it. Yozak doesn't usually misunderstand his intentions and now is a very bad time to start, in Gwendal's opinion.
"I slapped you", he says and he begins to feel heavyhearted. "You know what that means!"
Yozak's eyes widen as the truth begins to dawn on him.
"But", he says, "I'm not a noble – I thought that it's only when a noble slaps another noble…"
Gwendal snorts, "Who cares about such petty details!"
Suddenly, a wide grin spreads over the other man's face. At first, Gwendal thinks that Yozak is laughing at him.
"Gwendal! Does this mean… You've finally figured out how I feel about you? And you don't mind?"
"Well, um…"
They're still standing too close to the door, and Gwendal isn't too keen on anybody eavesdropping. He'd like to open the door and make sure no one is there, but that would make him look paranoid. On the other hand, if Anissina hasn't followed Yozak's advice, she would probably have heard the slap and the word is already spreading if that's the case…
Even with that in mind, Gwendal doesn't want to stay where they are. He walks back towards his desk and the big window.
"Hey, don't walk away from me!" Yozak protests, again misunderstanding the intention. But at least he follows Gwendal.
When Gwendal turns around they're standing very close to each other. Not that it's the first time, but it's the first time when they haven't been focused on a map on a table or a document or whatever; the first time when they're not looking at anything but each other.
"What I have finally figured out", Gwendal says and tries to keep the nervousness out of his voice, "is how I feel about you. That is all I know; the rest remains to be found out."
"Oh… right." Yozak blinks and clearly tries to figure out what to say. "What, um… I mean, how did you know? When did you know?"
"Only recently", Gwendal admits and lets out a shaky breath, relieved now that they seem to have a real and functioning conversation. "After that incident with Anissina. It got me thinking and I realized… I realized what I truly feel…"
Yozak is waiting for more, but when Gwendal can't think of what to say, he fires away another question.
"Okay, so for how long have you… felt this way?"
"I can't tell. A very long time, for sure."
He blushes, tries to look away, but those blue eyes are too hard to resist looking into. He frowns, impatient again; they're talking too much about him, nothing about Yozak.
Yozak seems to realize this, too.
"I'm very happy to hear you say that, Excellency. Gwendal. Because I, too, have had these feelings for a very, very long time."
"Really?"
Gwendal blushes again, knowing that that's a childish response. Yozak said so, didn't he?
But Yozak doesn't laugh.
"Really", he confirms. "It's the truth. And now, if your welcoming gesture was seriously meant…"
"It was!" Gwendal doesn't hesitate for a second. It's a big thing, a huge thing, but it's not like they met yesterday…
"In that case", Yozak smiles, and he moves even closer to Gwendal and puts his hands on his shoulders; a determined but slow, sliding movement. "Finally…"
He moves his face closer. Gwendal wonders how he could fail to notice for so long how gorgeous Yozak's mouth is. It's making him breathless, having it so close, impossibly close; it's almost scary…
"What's the matter", Yozak breathes, "don't you want to kiss me? You're so tense…"
"I…" It feels strange to talk right into someone's face and Gwendal pulls away.
"Of course I do", he says and turns beet red. "It's not that! It's just… a bit overwhelming, that's all. To have this happening for real. I want it! But I want it to be right…"
"Of course", Yozak agrees. "But how could it not be right if we both want to? I mean, what could go wrong, it's not like you've never kissed anyone before, and…"
Another realization hits Yozak hard on his head; Gwendal can practically see it landing on him.
"Oh my, Gwendal, you don't mean that! I mean, I can't believe it; a man like you…"
Gwendal shrugs. Happy, yes, about the fact that Yozak wants him, but uncomfortable with the topic. Yes, he has never had a lovelife, but so what? He never understood it properly; sometimes he wanted it in theory but never in reality; he could appreciate female charm to some extent but no one truly affected him; he could be somewhat moved by another man, but never deeply enough to want to pursue anything.
Now, of course, he knows that the thought of Yozak has blocked him from feeling anything for another person. Whereas Yozak, obviously hasn't been so limited.
"Believe it, it's the truth; I've had other things on my mind. But I take it you haven't."
"Well, it's not like I've…" Now it's Yozak's turn to flush crimson and it's oddly comforting to see that he can. "I've had lovers occasionally, yes. And yes, I've had feelings for you for like forever, but it's not like my supposedly unrequited crush on my friend's strict older brother, who is also my boss, has made me live like a monk…"
"Forget it", Gwendal says. "I didn't mean to make you feel like you've got to explain anything. We shouldn't even talk about it."
"No, no!" Yozak moves that close to him again, putting a hand on his shoulder. "It's okay. If I had know how you felt I would never have as much as looked at anyone else. No one else is important. I mean, if I had known I would have made a move ages ago!"
The reference to Conrad has made Gwendal uneasy.
"I don't care the least bit about other people", he says with a strained voice, "but please tell me that you haven't… not with…"
"No", Yozak says firmly, this time catching on immediately. "No, not even close. There's only one of Golden Chérie's lovely sons that I want."
Yozak talks silly, but he means what he says. Gwendal smiles, maybe for the first time that day. He realizes that he has achieved what he set out to achieve; he told Yozak the truth about his feelings and he didn't get rejected. It's almost too big to grasp.
Yozak smiles back, he grins widely, and for a long time they're just looking at each other. Affection is flooding from Yozak's eyes as if he has opened the gates to a dam. Gwendal supposes that that's exactly it – Yozak, too, has been afraid of rejection, and it must have been worse for him since he has been living with his feelings for such a long time. Gwendal feels as if the smile keeps growing from inside of him, forever unstoppable, and he never wants to stop looking at Yozak.
So this is what it feels like, he thinks. This is what it feels like to look at the one you love and feel completely at ease and ridiculously happy!
"So we're going to get married, huh?" Yozak breaks the silence, looking a bit flustered.
"Yes", Gwendal replies. "I see no reason not to – that is, if you will have me."
"You bet!" Yozak squeezes his shoulders and grins even wider, but doesn't try to kiss him.
"Um…" Yozak hesitates. "That is, I sure want to be with you and all, but… I mean, maybe it's too soon to talk about details, but what did you have in mind? You're not expecting me to settle down, are you?"
"What?" Now it's Gwendal's turn to be lost. "Sorry, but I don't think I understand the question."
"I mean", Yozak tries to clarify, "I hope you don't expect your spouse to just sit in a castle somewhere and bake cookies."
Gwendal has to laugh out loud.
"Don't be absurd, Gurrier. You couldn't tell a cake pan from a gratin-dish if they bit you in the face! I'm the one who bakes the cookies here – I mean, for my niece."
Yozak glares at him.
"Yes, I know that you enjoy playing with Greta more than you usually care to admit, but I don't know if you got my point."
"And your point is?"
"I don't want to stop doing what I'm doing. I do want to marry you but I don't want to stop working to start living in idle aristocratic luxury... Besides, nobody else can do the job as well as I can."
"You're right", Gwendal agrees. He shakes his head and snickers. "Really, Yozak! Of course I don't want you to stop working for me. The thought had never even occurred to me. I don't see why anything like that has to change."
Gwendal pauses and gets lost in Yozak's eyes again; they had been worried for a while but now they are shining again. Yozak is valuable to him as a person, yes, but he is also valuable on a professional level. So far, that has been pretty much the only level – there has always been a certain bond between them, yes, and Gwendal always felt comfortable around him, but Yozak was always mostly his brother's friend.
That is what is going to change.
"We can have whatever arrangement you're comfortable with", he promises. "As long as you are mine."
"I will be yours", Yozak promises, letting his hand slide down from the shoulder where it has been resting, around Gwendal's waist and it settles on the small of his back. Gwendal shivers. They are so solemn, so serious, and grinning like two fools. And standing so close together.
"Of course, now that you're going to be mine", Yozak says, "it's going to be harder than before to be away from you – but they say that absence makes the heart grow fonder."
"Is that so?" Gwendal smiles. The few days that have passed since the insight hit him have been like torture that nearly drove him insane – the proof of that is Yozak's cheek, still red where Gwendal hit him.
"That's the worst engagement mark ever", he mumbles. "I'm sorry about that." Even if they had wanted to keep it a secret, people were going to see and ask questions.
I'm only going to touch him gently from now on, he resolves. Then the thought that he actually can touch Yozak now – that he is allowed to, even expected to – is so unprecedented that he has to look away, feeling so weak that he would go and see Gisela if he hadn't known the reason for the weakness to his knees and his quickened pulse.
"I don't mind", Yozak says with a wink, "I'm a big boy, I can take it."
Gwendal nods slowly, smiling. Yozak might even be proud to wear such a mark on his face for the world to see. Gwendal still hopes the red spot is going to vanish soon.
"So you don't mind letting people know we're engaged?" Gwendal asks.
Before, when it was all in his head, he had almost been embarrassed for thinking about it. He couldn't even imagine what it would be like to tell people, to talk about 'my fiancé' and to show himself by Yozak's side in public, knowing that everybody would know that he knew that they knew…
A secret engagement, or even just a secret mutual understanding of warm feelings, had seemed a good idea. But now he has proposed, and received the response he wanted, and suddenly he doesn't really mind telling the whole world about them…
"I don't mind letting them know soon", Yozak says, to Gwendal's great surprise – he had expected Yozak to want to shout it from the rooftops immediately. "Telling people right away seems a bit rushed, don't you think?"
Yozak raises an eyebrow inquisitively and Gwendal nods insecurely. If that's what Yozak wants…
"I'm just saying", Yozak adds, "that I'm not sure I want to leave this room yet. 'Soon' could be next week or thirty minutes from now, that's not important. It's up to you, really. There are just some things I want first, before we go public, considering we're now engaged to be married."
"Tell me!" Gwendal doesn't want anything to stand in their way any longer; they have wasted years already. "I'll do anything, just name it."
"Well…" Yozak smiles and puts his other arm around Gwendal's waist, too. His hands slide up over Gwendal's back and give him goosebumps even through the fabric of his jacket.
"Two things, to be precise. First, before you tell other people, I want you to tell me what you feel about me."
"I have told you." Gwendal frowns. "What else have we been talking about this whole time?"
"Yes, but could you try to be a little more specific?"
Oh. That. Gwendal understands and he sees that his fiancé has a point. The phrases he has so far only spoken silently, secretly, alone in his bedroom – that is what Yozak wants to hear.
Gwendal raises a hand and touches Yozak's cheek, but very softly this time. Yozak is already holding him, but Gwendal realizes that this is the first time that he is touching Yozak for real.
There's something burning in his chest. It's working its way up his throat and for a moment he fears that he can't say anything. But he can.
"I love you", he says, and the hot burn in his chest is now threatening to burst through his eyes – strangely, it's a sensation that only makes him happier.
Yozak's eyes are very bright and shiny as well.
"And I love you. I can't even say since when – I think I've always loved you, Gwendal."
Gwendal can't think of anything to say but to repeat: "I love you."
And what other words do people need, after all? Saying those words turns out not to be the least bit awkward.
"Good." Yozak smiles again. "Sometimes I've thought that you might love me a little bit but I was never sure."
Is it like this for everybody? Gwendal wonders. This breathtakingly, heartstoppingly beautiful?
It is strange, perhaps, that a man of his age has never known before that it can be this way between two people, but his age is irrelevant; the whole world feels changed and new and his eyes that look upon it are just as new and young.
"You can be sure now", he says. "You can be sure that I want to make you happy, that I want to be happy with you."
Happy. That's another good word. Love and Happy. And…
"You", he says, and marvels at how simple everything is. "You…"
Yozak presses closer to him.
"So, Gwendal… Can I please kiss you know?" Yozak's face moves closer again. "That's the second thing, by the way."
Yeah, that makes sense Gwendal thinks, but he feels too dizzy to say it, a little bit woozy, and he has to take hold of Yozak's shoulders.
"Yes", he says, or at least that's what he thinks he just said. His guts are twisting with something exquisitely giddy, burning and hot. It goes from there to his whole body, his hands are almost throbbing and the grip around Yozak's shoulders tightens. His lips are tingling in a way he didn't even know they could.
"But I also kinda sorta just want to keep looking at you right this moment", Yozak says, and his voice is now very thick. "Oh my, Gwendal, you're…" He gulps, and Gwendal thinks his brain is going to melt from too much excitement.
"Irresistible…" Yozak breathes.
His lips touch Gwendal's very softly and now Gwendal is sure that his brain is exploding but he doesn't care; he would die this death a million times over.
One more time, their lips meet, a moment or two longer this time.
So this is a kiss, Gwendal thinks. He wants more of it. He wants to worship Yozak's mouth with his own, and he never wants to stop.
The only thing that stops is his coherent thinking, because it seems like intense pleasure doesn't go too well with rational brain activity. Gwendal gives it up willingly when Yozak's lips speak silently of love and longing and lust; the gentleness is still there but accompanied by something eager and less careful, there's a flicker of tongue. Gwendal lets their mouths do whatever they want to do and opens himself up to the strange and wonderful new sensations Yozak now is introducing him to along with all the overwhelming emotions.
They could probably have been going on like that forever, if it hadn't been for two things: The more they kiss, the more Gwendal wants, well, more, and he feel that even if they are now engaged, this is not the time or the place. And also, he wants to pull away just a little bit so that he can look into Yozak's eyes again.
So they look at each other. Both of them smile, flustered, happy, suddenly a little shy, as if they're unsure of what the next step should be.
"So", Yozak says at last and laughs a little, "did you enjoy your first kiss, Gwendal?"
"Yes", Gwendal replies softly, he barely more than whispers it. "I most definitely did."
"I thought so", says Yozak, "and I'm glad, because to me, that was the best kisses ever."
"Wait; don't tell me we've peaked already?"
Yozak laughs out loud, just like Gwendal had wanted him to.
"No, Gwendal… it's going to keep getting better from now on, you'll see!"
Gwendal is more than willing to take his word for it. He holds Yozak close, close. Everything is changing between them now, and he can't know what it is going to be like, but he is sure that finding that out is going to be the greatest adventure of his life.