Phantom Travelers or Buffalo Jones and His Magic Roofie Dough

by Charcoal Cosplay

After a phone call for help from a buddy of Jon's, Sam and Dean investigate plane crashes; Sam watches a cursed video tape he bought on eBuy; a mysterious little girl trails the brothers.

SOOBERNATRAL: SUPERNATURAL ABRIDGED

"The Phantom Travelers; or Buffalo Jones and His Magic Roofie Dough"

*This one is rated MA (Muthafukin' Awesome!) Plus there's some strong cussin' and a bad situation for Sam :(

Will there be pie? Will there be ponies? Will there be blood? Read on, cause in this one, STUFF HAPPENS!

INT. AIRPORT – DAY

A very NERVOUS MAN in a suit, GEORGE PHELPS, sits up. PHELPS checks his ticket and enters the bathroom. Mile high time.

INTERCOM
Thank you for like, flying United Britannia Airlines. We're like, so sorry for the like, inconvenience, Mr. Padalecki. But thanks for the like, free publicity!

And FUTURE!CROWLEY is all "We've arrived a bit too early for my taste."

And FUTURE!CASTIEL is all "I should have never trusted a second-hand DeLorean."

And WATTO is all "Wha ha ha! Shel bulsa ya neda, huh, Annie?

And ANAKIN is like "Are you an angel?"

And WATTO is "Yeah. Sure, kid. Now back to work."

And ABED is like "Gasp! The darkest timeline!"

And BAD FUTURE!SON OF SAM is like "I'm Sam's fucked up son, bitch. In the future, some bad shit happens. Now gimme some brain!"

And Jared Padalecki is like "No! Stop the canon violation!"

And Sam is like "If I am you and you are me, then who is we?!"

And the universe implodes because something something science.

INT. AIRPORT BATHROOM – DAY

PHELPS is leaning over the sink, splashing water on his face. A SECOND MAN comes out of the stall area and dries his hands cause sock puppet sex is awesome.

GARTH

But you don't have to take my word for it!

SECOND MAN
Nervous pervous flyer?

PHELPS
It's that obvious, huh?

SECOND MAN
You know, what are the odds of dying in a plane crash? I mean, what? Twenty thousand to one? I know because I did the math. Heebie jeebie trolls forever!

After the man performs the troll shuffle, PHELPS watches him go.

PHELPS
Wow. That's, uh, really reassuring. Thank you.

Above his head, a cloud of black particles exits a vent, swirls around his head, and enters his eyes.

INT. PLANE – DAY

The PILOT, CHUCK NOT NORRIS, turns and addresses a FLIGHT ATTENDANT, AMANDA.

CHUCK NOT NORRIS
Amanda, how are you today?

AMANDA
I'm facing eviction at the end of the week, covered in boils underneath all this, dating a hockey mask wearing psycho who never talks about his feelings, on the run from three satanic cults, secretly married to John Mayer, doing unspeakable things for coke, wanted for something I'd rather not discuss in Paris, off of my diet, and I got fired two days ago, but I'm still showing up, because maybe, just maybe, no one will notice. I think about suicide constantly. So, doing just fine, Chuck!

CHUCK NOT NORRIS

Splendid!

AMANDA addresses a PASSENGER.

AMANDA
Welcome aboard. 15C towards the back of the plane, on the right.

PASSENGER
Thank you.

JOHN MAYER

Baby, we need to talk.

AMANDA

Is this about your new single, "Let's Breakup Through Twitter"?

JOHN MAYER

Kinda. Listen, I'll just send you a tweet. Laters.

PHELPS walks in. AMANDA addresses PHELPS.

AMANDA
Have a nice flight, sir.

PHELPS turns, and we and AMANDA see that his eyes are completely black, even the whites.

And SNOOP is like "That's some really good dope!"

PHELPS
Oh, I'm counting on it.

AMANDA blinks several times, watching PHELPS, and shakes her head cause that helps change your reality.

AMANDA
Um...uh, 11F, that's the middle of the plane, on...

PASSENGER 2
Thank you.

AMANDA
...the left.

INT. PLANE – DAY

COPILOT
In just a few minutes our flight crew will begin room service in the cabin. Tip well. Or else!

PHELPS turns to his seatmate.

And Phelps is like "Have you ever? Ever felt like this? Where strange things happen? We call it round the twist!" And then clothes come off.

PHELPS
Excuse me. Do you know how long we've been up?

WOMAN
Oh, uh...

The WOMAN checks her watch cause she's a Time Lord.

WOMAN
About forty minutes.

PHELPS
Wow. Time really does fly, huh? Excuse me. I've got to stretch my legs and kill you all.

WOMAN

Go right ahead.

PHELPS gets up, squeezes past the WOMAN, and heads to the back of the plane. When he reaches the rear exit, he grasps the release handle. A YOUNG MAN in an aisle seat,

MAX JAFFEY, notices him. Is he going to fuck up the bathroom for everyone? Dick move, man. Dick move.

MAX
Hey, what the hell are you doing?!

DUMBLEDORE

The man asked you a question? Well? WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!

PHELPS turns to look at MAX and Dumbledore who is regretting taking muggle transportation, eyes black again, then rips the door open!

He goes flying out the window, the door flies off tearing half a wing off the plane, and the plane goes down.

And PIERRE the GREMLIN is all "I'm gone for a one minute piss and some guy steals my thunder."

AMANDA struggles to get to a seat and, after the oxygen masks deploy, to get one over her face. MAX, CHUCK NOT NORRIS, and the COPILOT already have them on.

Dumbledore prays to J.K. Rowling, but since she's not a deity and he's not real, she can't hear him and goes about her day.

DUMBLEDORE

(realizing this)

OOOOOOOOOHHHHH FFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCKKKKKK!

INT. MOTEL ROOM – DAY

DEAN is asleep on his stomach cause what's the point of saving the world if you can't get a little dream noogie every once and awhile?

As the door opens, DEAN awakens and slips a hand under his pillow for a weapon cause he's lived in Mr. Robinson's neighborhood before.

As he turns to look, he sees SAM entering, carrying coffee and pastries.

SAM
(despite having breakfast)

You motherfucker! Get down on your knees and fix me a sandwich!

DEAN

Screw you, dude, this is season one. What time is it?

SAM
Uh, it's about five forty-five.

DEAN
In the morning? Is that a thing?

SAM
Yep.

DEAN
Where does the day go?

DEAN sits up.

DEAN
Did you get any sleep last night?

SAM
Yeah, I grabbed a couple hours with my man hands.

DEAN
Liar. 'Cause I was up at three, and you were watching a George Foreman infomercial.

SAM

Uh, Dean, that wasn't an infomercial.

FLASHBACK - INT. MOTEL ROOM – NIGHT

Sam pops an old VHS tape into a VCR.

SAM

Play. I said play! Oh, right.

Sam presses play and eats veggie chips. A creepy pasta worthy FBI warning plays.

BUFFALO JONES, a creep in a buffalo costume sings into the camera, surrounded by dead bodies and one whimpering CAMERA GUY.

SAM

What the hell, eBuy?

BUFFALO JONES

(singing)

I'm Buffalo Jones and I like my blow!

It even makes me tickle down there and grow!

So much so

I puts it in your bowl!

SAM

What was that?

BUFFALO JONES

(singing)

Pass out after having some of my magic roofie dough!

And I'll help myself to your various holes!

SAM

What in the actual fuck?!

BUFFALO JONES

(singing)

Buffalo Jones is gonna rape you!

But it'll all be okay!

Cause there's nothing you can do!

SAM

Dean, wake up! I'm a-scared!

DEAN

(talking in sleep)

Not now. This chick just grew another pair of racks!

BUFFALO JONES

(singing)

Only you and I'll know how you unconsciously made my day!

Oh yay yay yay!

It's time to play!

SAM

Who in the fuck would – What? What?! Why?!

BUFFALO JONES

(singing)

Buffalo Jones can see you when you go to pee!

I even know when and where you sleep!

I'm coming for you, Sam. Tee hee hee!

Coming for you, boy. Have sweet dreams!

Sam screams.

Buffalo Jones takes a knife out of his underwear and slices the Camera Guy's throat.

Sam destroys the TV. He yanks the tape out, salts it, and burns it.

INT. MOTEL ROOM – DAY

Dean's eyes are super wide.

DEAN

What the fuck, Sam?

SAM

The internet is a strange place.

DEAN
So when was the last time you got a good night's sleep?

SAM
I don't know, a little while, I guess. It's not a big deal.

DEAN
Yeah, it is.

SAM
Look, I appreciate your concern—

DEAN
Oh, I'm not concerned about you. It's your job to keep my ass alive, so I need you sharp as a tack on crack in Iraq. Help! Yelp! I can't stop! Mmm bop! Shaq! Stack! Snack! Fact! Pack! Quack! I'm a duck! A f**king duck!

SAM shrugs. He can't wait to get his own spin-off. Sam the Salamander King. It's a work in progress.

DEAN
Seriously, are you still having nightmares about Jess?

SAM crosses the room, sits on the other bed, and hands a coffee to DEAN.

SAM

Here, have some sober juice. It's like orange juice, but for drunks.

DEAN

What are you implying?

INT. CHEESY CHUCK'S – DAY

A KID is having a birthday party. His MOM sits next to him.

And JON is like "Happy brrrday. Brarp!" then he passes out face first in the cake. It's the thought that counts. And the correct date and location. And the right kids.

KID

Mommy, I'm scared!

MOM

So am I!

INT. MOTEL ROOM - DAY

SAM
Yeah. But it's not just her. It's everything. I just forgot, you know? This job. Man, it gets to you. I was up until like seven the other night. PM!

DEAN
You can't let it. You can't bring it home like that.

SAM
So, what? All this it...never keeps you up at night?

DEAN shakes his head.

SAM
Never? You're never afraid?

DEAN
No, not really.

A car alarm goes off. Dean fires at the door. If it's alive, it ain't happy.

DEAN

False alarm.

SAM reaches under DEAN'S pillow to pull out a large hunting knife and holds it up as evidence.

DEAN takes the knife back.

DEAN
That's not Fear. That is Precaution.

SAM

You name your weapons?

DEAN

Don't you name yours?

SAM
All right, whatever. I'm too tired to argue. Nothing's going to stop me from getting some rest.

DEAN's phone rings.

SAM

Damn you, universe!

And the Universe is like "You mad, bro?!"

Dean answers it.

DEAN
Hello?

INT. OFFICE – DAY, alternating with INT. MOTEL ROOM – DAY

JERRY
Dean, it's, uh, it's Jerry –

DEAN

Sandusky?! Sam, bring the car around! We're gettin' the fawk out of dodge!

JERRY

No, Panowski. You and your dad helped me out a couple years back.

DEAN signals for SAM to stop.

DEAN
Oh, right, yeah. Up in Kittanning, Pennsylvania, the dead hooker… er, poltergeist thing. It's not back, is it?

JERRY
No. No. Thank god, no. But it's something else, and...uh, I think it could be a lot worse.

DEAN
What is it? Is it pussy?

JERRY
Can we talk in person?

DEAN eyes SAM. SAM eyes back. You can cut the sexual cheese with a knife.

EXT. FIELD – DAY

The Impala drives along a road. A little GIRL watches them pass.

INT. HANGAR – DAY

JERRY
Thanks for making the trip so quick. I ought to be doing you guys a favor, not the other way around.

SAM

What do you know about sensual foot massages?

DEAN

Dude, we'll negotiate later.

JERRY

Dean and your dad really helped me out.

SAM
Yeah, he told me. It was a hookergeist?

JERRY
Damn right it was a hookergeist, practically tore our house apart. Tell you something, if it wasn't for you and your dad, I probably wouldn't be alive. Your dad said you were off at college. Is that right?

SAM
Yeah, I was. I'm—taking some time off.

JERRY
Well, he was real proud of you. I could tell. He talked about you all the time.

SAM
He did?

JERRY

Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you were Samuel Adams.

SAM

Oh no. That's fine. Just peachy!

DEAN

You're not gonna go hole up in some room and listen to Augustana are you?

SAM

No. Maybe.

JERRY
Oh, hey, you know I tried to get a hold of him, but I couldn't. How's he doing, anyway?

DEAN
He's, um, wrapped up in a job right now.

SAM

I'll bet.

INT. MOTEL ROOM – DAY

Jon takes a bath in rum.

JON

(singing)

What do ya do with a drunken sailor?

What do ya do with a drunken sailor?

What do ya do with a drunken sailor early in the morning?!

INT. HANGAR - DAY

JERRY
Well, we're missing the old man, but we get Sam. Even trade, huh?

DEAN laughs.

DEAN

Nuh-uh.

SAM

Huh?

DEAN

Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhn?

JERRY
I got something I want you guys to hear.

DEAN

Is it pussy?

INT. OFFICE – DAY

JERRY
I listened to this. And, well, it sounded like it was up your alley.

JERRY puts a CD in a drive.

JERRY
Normally I wouldn't have access to this. It's the cockpit voice recorder for United Britannia flight 2485. It was one of ours.

RECORDING
Mayday! Mayday! Repeat! This is United Britania 2485—immediate instruction help! United Britanis 2485, I copy your message—May be experiencing some mechanical failure...

There is a loud whooshing sound.

JERRY
Took off from here, crashed about two hundred miles south. Now, they're saying mechanical failure. Cabin depressurized somehow. Nobody knows why. Over a hundred people on board. Only seven got out alive. Pilot was one. His name is Chuck Not Norris Lambert. He's a good friend of mine. Chuck is, uh...well, he's pretty broken up about it. Like it was his fault.

SAM
You don't think it was?

JERRY
No, I don't.

SAM
Jerry, we're gonna need passenger manifests, um, a list of survivors. Jack, Kate, and Sawyer preferably. Add some Hurley and Walt too. But not Locke. He blows up more shit than Michael Bay.

DEAN

You're not even paying attention anymore are you?

SAM

Blah blah compartment blah an order of fries blah blah.

JERRY
All right.

DEAN
And, uh, any way we can take a look at the wreckage? And score a free rip to Hawaii?

JERRY
The other stuff is no problem. But the wreckage...fellas, the NTSB has it locked down in an evidence warehouse. No way I've got that kind of clearance.

DEAN frowns. It is an unhappy frown.

DEAN
No problem.

EXT. STREET – DAY

SAM is waiting by the car outside a Copy Jack. As DEAN exits, an attractive woman enters. And aw yeah!

WOMAN
Hey.

DEAN
Hi. Mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm! Somebody's gonna be in my dreams tonight.

SAM
You've been in there forever.

DEAN

Ten minutes?

SAM

Like I said. Forever!

DEAN holds up two IDs.

DEAN
You can't rush perfection. Baby. Honey. Sugar. Sammy. I mean Sammy. I said Sammy.

SAM
Homeland Security?

SAM takes one of the IDs.

SAM
That's pretty illegal, even for us. Let's flip a coin to see who's going to sleep with Damien Lewis.

DEAN

I call heads!

SAM

Nigga, you gay!

DEAN
Yeah, well, it's something new. You know? People haven't seen it a thousand times.

They get in the car.

The little GIRL watches them go.

DEAN
All right, so, what do you got?

SAM
Well, there's definitely EVP on the cockpit voice recorder. Ha! I said EVP!

DEAN
Yeah?

SAM
Listen.

He plays the tape, which has been edited to pull out a scratchy voice.

VOICE
No survivors!

DEAN
"No survivors"? What's that supposed to mean? There were seven survivors. Somebody can't count. Use your fingers. That's what they're there for.

SAM
Got me.

DEAN
So, what are you thinking? A haunted flight? Like Soul Plane 2: I See Dead Homies?

SAM
There's a long history of spirits and death omens on planes and ships, like phantom travelers.

DEAN
Mm-hmm.

SAM
Or remember flight 401?

DEAN
Right. The one that crashed, the airline salvaged some of its parts, put it in other planes, then the spirit of the pilot and copilot haunted those flights. No riveting in-flight movies for anyone. It was sad. Dean sad now.

SAM
Right. Maybe we got a similar deal.

DEAN
All right, so, survivors, which one do you want to talk to first?

SAM
Third on the list: Max Jaffey.

DEAN
Why him?

SAM

Just picked him at random. Jeez, Dean. Do you have to question everything?

DEAN

What do you mean by that?

SAM
Okay, hell, for one, he's from around here. And two, if anyone saw anything weird, he did.

DEAN
What makes you say that?

SAM
Well, I spoke to his mother.

DEAN

Did she have a nice p—

SAM

Dean!

EXT. HOSPITAL – DAY

The Impala is parked in front of the gate to a building with a sign out front reading "RIVERFRONT PSYCHIATRIC HOSPITAL. NOBODY OUT-CRAZYS US!"

EXT. GARDEN AT HOSPITAL – DAY

MAX is walking with a cane between SAM and DEAN cause he's one crazy pimp yo.

MAX
I don't understand. I already spoke with Homeland Security.

DEAN
Right. Some new information has come up. So if you could just answer a couple questions, you crazy son of a bitch.

SAM
Just before the plane went down, did you notice anything...unusual?

MAX
Like what?

DEAN
Strange lights, weird noises, maybe. Voices. Crazy, crazy, exist only in your syphilitic brain voices?

SAM

Someone's been putting that thesaurus to good use.

DEAN

(squeals)

You noticed!

MAX
No, nothing.

DEAN
Mr. Joffey—

MAX
Jaffey.

DEAN
Yeah, I'm gonna keep calling you Joffey. You checked yourself in here, right?

MAX nods.

DEAN
Can I ask why?

MAX
I was a little stressed. I survived a plane crash. A FUCKING plane crash!

DEAN
Uh huh. And that's what terrified you? That's what you were afraid of?

MAX
I...I don't want to talk about this anymore.

DEAN
See, I think maybe you did see something up there. We need to know what.

MAX
No. No, I was...delusional.

SAM

You were delusional? Tell me the truth.

MAX

I was seeing things.

SAM

Don't you lie to meh!

MAX
There was...this—man. And, uh, he had these...eyes—these, uh...black eyes. And I saw him—or I thought I saw him...

DEAN
What?

MAX
He opened the emergency exit. But that's...that's impossible, right? I mean, I looked it up. There's something like two tons of pressure on that door.

SAM
This man, uh, did he seem to appear and disappear rapidly? It would look something like a mirage?

MAX
What are you crazy, nigga?

SAM tilts his head.

SAM

Don't Jew call me that! I'm nobody's "nee-gah'! My name is Sam. Sam!

DEAN

Chill, Sam. Have a Snickers.

MAX
He was a passenger. He was sitting right in front of me.

EXT. STREET – DAY

The IMPALA pulls up in front of a house. The house is pregnant.

SAM
So here we are. George Phelps, seat 20C. Wanna snuggle and listen to some Kenny G?

DEAN

Nah.

SAM

Yeah, me neither.

DEAN
Hmm. Man, I don't care how strong you are.

DEAN and SAM get out of the car.

DEAN
Even yoked up on PCP or something, no way you can open up an emergency door during a flight. Trust me, I know.

SAM
Not if you're human. But maybe this guy George was something else. Some kind of creature, maybe, in human form. A "monster" if you will.

DEAN
Does that look like a creature's lair to you?

SAM turns to look at the perfectly ordinary house.

INT. PHELPS HOUSE – DAY

DEAN and SAM sit across from MRS. PHELPS. SAM is looking at a framed photograph. DEAN has his hand in his jacket holding his gun.

SAM
This is your late husband?

MRS. PHELPS
Yes, that was my George.

DEAN
And you said he was a...dentist? No Dr. Giggles type s**t goin' on after hours?

MRS. PHELPS
Mm-hm. He was headed to a convention in Denver. Do you know that he was petrified to fly? For him to go like that...

SAM
Ironic, no? How long were you married?

MRS. PHELPS
Thirteen years.

SAM
In all that time, did you ever notice anything...strange about him, anything out of the ordinary?

DEAN

Could his dick hang low? Wobble to and fro? Could you tie it in a knot? Or a bow?

MRS. PHELPS
Well...uh, he had acid reflux, if that's what you mean.

DEAN and SAM look at each other. That's not what they meant at all.

EXT. PHELPS HOUSE – DAY

SAM and DEAN come down the stairs out front.

SAM
I mean it goes without saying. It just doesn't make any sense.

DEAN
A middle-aged dentist with an ulcer is not exactly evil personified. You know what we need to do is get inside that NTSB warehouse, check out the wreckage. Find some pussy.

SAM
No way. If I can't have a pony, you don't get pussy.

DEAN

Something sounds a bit off about that.

SAM

If we're gonna go that route, we'd better look the part.

EXT. SUIT RENTAL SHOP – DAY

DEAN and SAM exit a store, "MORT'S for style", wearing crisp black suits with white shirts. SAM adjusts his collar.

DEAN
Man, I look like one of the Blues Brothers.

SAM
No, you don't. You look more like a...seventh-grader at his first dance.

DEAN looks down at himself.

DEAN
I hate this thing. Good thing I'm only gonna be wearing it just this once.

SAM

Yeah…

INT. STORAGE WAREHOUSE – DAY

They enter the warehouse and show their badges to the SECURITY GUARD, who nods and lets them in cause it's not HIS job to make sure people are who they say they are. They walk among plane wreckage; DEAN pulls out a device and puts ear buds in his ears.

SAM
What is that?

DEAN

Grandmaster Flash and the Furious Five. Word.

SAM

So is this "Deanploitation" just a phase or is it gonna be a permanent thing?

DEAN

Play it by ear. Also got an EMF meter. Reads electromagnetic frequencies.

SAM
Yeah, I know what an EMF meter is, but why does that one look like a busted-up walkman?

DEAN
'Cause that's what I made it out of. It's homemade.

DEAN grins.

DEAN

Me good with my hands.

SAM
Yeah, I can see that.

DEAN's grin disappear. Why Sammy always have to bust Dean sexy bow chops? Crom. (-_-)

DEAN runs the EMF meter over a piece of the wreckage with yellow dust on it and gets an audible spike.

DEAN
Check out the emergency door handle.

DEAN scratches at the yellow dust and gets some on his hand.

DEAN
What is this stuff? Is it pussy?

SAM
One way to find out.

DEAN

You nasty fuck.

SAM scrapes some of the yellow dust off into a bag.

INT. SECURITY DESK OF STORAGE WAREHOUSE – DAY

Two AGENTS in black suits approach the security desk and show their badges.

SECURITY GUARD
Homeland Security? What, one team of you guys isn't enough?

AGENT
What are you talking about, Mr. Anderson?

SECURITY GUARD
Two of your buddies went inside not five minutes ago.

The second AGENT looks at the first.

INT. STORAGE WAREHOUSE – DAY

The AGENTS and several SECURITY GUARDS bust in, guns drawn, and search. SAM and DEAN hear them coming, but activate their wonder twin power, so it's okay.

The AGENTS and GUARDS see nothing.

EXT. STORAGE WAREHOUSE – DAY

SAM and DEAN peer around a corner and walk out casually. An alarm blares, and they run to the gated exit. Pulling off his suit jacket, DEAN throws it over the barbed wire at the top of the fence, and they climb over. This isn't the first time he's broken out of the joint. He grabs the jacket cause priorities.

DEAN
Well, these monkey suits do come in handy.

DEAN runs off. SAM follows cause he's got to quit smoking.

The little GIRL watches them like some sort of watcher.

INT. AIRPORT – DAY

CHUCK NOT NORRIS is sitting nervously in a chair. His COPILOT is giving him a pep talk.

COPILOT
Listen, Chuck. It's like getting back on a horse. Only in this case, a little twin engine. Not even a horse, more like a pony. I'll be right there with you too. Anytime you feel like you don't want the wheel, I'll take over. Look, Chuck, we don't have to do this today. I'm not trying to rush you it's just… the Empire are kind of a bunch of dicks. And we really need someone to blow up their new Death Star restaurant. The food is hella bad.

CHUCK NOT NORRIS
No, the...the waiting is worse.

COPILOT
Okay, they're filling up the tank. Then we go.

The COPILOT gets up and leaves. CHUCK takes a drink of coffee. Behind him, a cloud of black particles exits a vent and rushes into CHUCK'S eyes but not his mouth or anus cause this show ain't on basic cable after midnight.

INT. JERRY'S OFFICE – DAY

JERRY looks at the yellow stuff through a microscope; what the microscope sees is replicated on a screen.

JERRY
Huh. This stuff is covered in sulfur.

SAM
You're sure?

JERRY
Take a look for yourself.

Banging sounds from outside the office. Is it mating season already?

MAN
You effin' piece of crap...

JERRY
If you fellows will excuse me, I have an idiot to fire.

As JERRY leaves, DEAN goes over and looks into the microscope cause curiosity killed the cat, not the Dean.

JERRY
Hey. Einstein. Yeah, you. What the heck you doing? Put the wrench down—

MAN

Fuck that! If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball!

JERRY

Ow!

MAN

Is this a bad time to ask for a raise?

DEAN
Hmm. You know, there's not too many things that leave behind a sulfuric residue.

SAM
Demonic possession? Demonic possession? Demonic possession? Demonic possession?

DEAN
It would explain how a mortal man would have the strength to open up an emergency hatch.

SAM
If the guy was possessed, it's possible.

DEAN
This goes way beyond floating over a bed or barfing pea soup. I mean it's one thing to possess a person, but to use them to take down an entire airplane? That's waaaaaay douchey.

SAM
You ever heard of something like this before?

DEAN
Never. Damn you look pretty.

SAM

Gorsh!

EXT. AIRPORT TARMAC – DAY

The COPILOT is waiting by a small plane; CHUCK, looking cheerful and relaxed, approaches.

CHUCK NOT NORRIS
I'm ready. Let's do this! Kill 'em all! Heil Hitler!

The COPILOT, confused, laughs and follows CHUCK to the plane cause he's drunk, but who can tell?

INT. PLANE IN FLIGHT – DAY

COPILOT
How you feeling?

CHUCK NOT NORRIS
I feel great.

COPILOT
You'll be back flying jumbos before you know it.

CHUCK NOT NORRIS

I hope so. How long we been up?

COPILOT
Uh...almost forty minutes.

CHUCK NOT NORRIS
Wow. Time really does fly.

CHUCK suddenly dives the plane towards the ground cause, hello, evil.

COPILOT
What are you doing?

DUMBLEDORE

The man asked you a question! Well? WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?! AND WHY THE FUCK DO I KEEP USING MUGGLE TRANSPORTATION?! AND HOW DID I SURVIVE THE FIRST PLANE CRASH?!

And J.K. Rowling is like "A wizard did it."

And a LOST Fan is all "This seems so familiar."

CHUCK NOT NORRIS elbows the COPILOT in the face. CHUCK's eyes are black. Cause he is possessed. By evil.

EXT. ROAD – DAY

A tractor is trundling by as the plane suddenly appears, crashing into a telephone pole and then the ground.

OLD MCDONALD

I've lived a good life.

INT. MOTEL ROOM – DAY

DEAN and SAM are in full research mode, with images and articles taped to the walls and strewn across the beds, and SAM is looking at something on the computer but we can't show you what.

SAM

Shake that Eskimo ass!

DEAN is reading something on one bed while sitting on the other.

DEAN

Keep it down.

SAM
So, every religion in every world culture has the concept of demons and demonic possession, right? I mean Christian, Native American, Hindu, you name it.

DEAN

You just did and none of them describe anything like this.

SAM
Well, that's not exactly true. You see according to Japanese beliefs and my calculations, certain demons are behind certain disasters, both natural and man-made. One causes earthquakes, another causes disease. Dicks. All dicks.

DEAN
And this one causes plane crashes?

DEAN gets up.

DEAN
All right, so, what? We have a demon that's evolved with the times and found a way to ratchet up the body count?

SAM
Yeah. You know, who knows how many planes it's brought down before this one?

DEAN snorts, turning away cause he is turning into a werehorse.

SAM
What?

DEAN
I don't know, man. This isn't our normal gig. I mean, demons, they don't want anything, just death and destruction for its own sake. This is big. And I wish Dad was here.

SAM
Yeah. Me too. Especially to carry me to bed and tuck me in at night and this isn't my diary so I'll stop talking now.

DEAN'S phone rings and he answers it.

DEAN
Hello, you've reached Dashing El Deano. If I'm not in right now, I'm probably doing something that I'll later post on the net.

JERRY
Dean, it's Jerry.

DEAN
Oh, hey, Jerry.

JERRY
My pilot friend...Chuck Not Norris Lambert is dead.

DEAN
Wha—Jerry, I'm sorry. What happened? He sit on a poison knife?

JERRY
He and his buddy went up in a small twin about an hour ago. The plane went down.

DEAN
Where'd this happen?

JERRY
About sixty miles west of here, near Nazareth.

DEAN
I'll try to ignore the irony in that.

JERRY
I'm sorry?

DEAN
Nothing. Jerry, hang in there, all right? We'll catch up with you soon. Cool? Coolcoolcool.

DEAN hangs up.

SAM
Another crash?

DEAN
Yeah. Let's go.

SAM
Where?

DEAN
Nazareth. Have you seen my bandana?

SAM

No.

SAM's phone rings.

SAM

Hello?

BUFFALO JONES

Hello, Sammy!

SAM

Who is this?

BUFFALO JONES

Be seeing you soon, boy!

SAM

Nuh-uh!

BUFFALO JONES

I'm gonna f**k you til you love me!

SAM

Hanging up now!

DEAN

What was that?

SAM

Let's go!

EXT. ROAD – DAY

The IMPALA drives past a road sign reading NAZARETH 3. Black smoke is visible in the near distance. A white, windowless VAN driven by Buffalo Jones is right behind them.

INT. JERRY'S OFFICE – DAY

JERRY is again looking through a microscope.

DEAN
Sulfur?

JERRY nods.

DEAN
Well, that's great. All right, that's two plane crashes involving Chuck Not Norris Lambert. This demon sounds like it was after him. I bet Chuck Norris would have ended all that shit right then and there.

SAM
With all due respect to Chuck Not Norris, if that's the case, that would be the good news.

DEAN
What's the bad news?

SAM
Chuck's plane went down exactly forty minutes into flight. And get this, so did flight 2485.

JERRY
Forty minutes? What does that mean?

DEAN
It's biblical numerology. You know Noah's ark, it rained for forty days. The number means death. Anybody else have a hankering for some greasy burgers all of a sudden?

SAM
I went back, and there have been six plane crashes over the last decade that all went down exactly forty minutes in.

DEAN
Any survivors?

SAM
No. Or not until now, at least, not until flight 2485, for some reason. On the cockpit voice recorder, remember what the EVP Said?

DEAN

This is Sparta?

SAM
"No survivors."

DEAN thinks.

DEAN
It's going after all the survivors. It's trying to finish the job.

SAM

That dick!

DEAN

Grrr! I'M ANGRY ABOUT THIS!

INT. IMPALA – NIGHT

DEAN is driving. SAM is on the phone.

SAM
Really? Well, thank you for taking our survey, And if you do plan to fly, please don't forget your friends at United Britannia Airlines. Thanks.

SAM hangs up.

SAM
All right. That takes care of Blaine Sanderson and Dennis Holloway. They're not flying or eating at Arby's anytime soon.

DEAN
So our only wildcard is the flight attendant Amanda Walker.

SAM
Right. Her sister Karen said her flight leaves Indianapolis at eight pm. It's her first night back on the job.

DEAN
That sounds like just our luck.

SAM
Dean, this is a five-hour drive, man, even with you behind the wheel.

DEAN
Call Amanda's cell phone again, see if we can't head her off at the pass. I'm coming to get some!

SAM
I already left her three voice messages. She must have turned her cell phone off. God, we're never gonna make it.

DEAN
We'll make it. PUSSY POWER!

SCRAPPY-DOO

Are you sure that's the line?

INT. AIRPORT – NIGHT

DEAN and SAM rush into the airport and check the Departure board.

SAM
Right there. They're boarding in thirty minutes.

DEAN
Okay. We still have some cards to play. We need to find a phone. And some gum. And some duct tape.

DEAN picks up a courtesy phone.

VOICE
Airport Services. How may we screw up your day?

DEAN
Hi. Gate thirteen.

VOICE
Who are you calling, sir? We are not the Ghostbusters.

DEAN
I'm trying to contact an Amanda Walker. She's a flight attendant on flight, um...flight 4-2-4.

INT. AIRPORT, GATE 13 – NIGHT

PA VOICE
Amanda Walker, Amanda Walker, you have a phone call. White courtesy phone, gate thirteen.

AMANDA approaches the gate, hearing the announcement. She picks up the phone.

INT. AIRPORT – NIGHT and INT. AIRPORT, GATE 13 – NIGHT, alternating

DEAN
Come on.

AMANDA
This is Amanda Walker. John? Jason? At this point in my life I'll take whoever I can get.

DEAN
Miss Walker. Hi, this is Dr. James Hetfield from St. Francis Memorial Hospital. We have a Karen Walker here. Also, is your refrigerator running?

AMANDA
Karen?

DEAN
Nothing serious, just a minor car accident, but she was injured, so—

AMANDA
Wa—wait, that's impossible. I just got off the phone with her.

DEAN pauses.

DEAN
Oh shit. You what?

AMANDA
Five minutes ago. She's at her house, cramming for a final. Who is this?

DEAN
Uh, well...there must be some mistake.

AMANDA
And how would you even know I was here?

SAM goes around DEAN to try to hear what's going on cause he's so nosy.

AMANDA
Is this one of Vince Vaughn's friends?

DEAN
Guilty as charged.

AMANDA
Wow. This is unbelievable. Which Wilson are you? Owen or Luke?

DEAN
He's really sorry.

AMANDA
Well, you tell him to mind his own business and stay out of my life, okay?

DEAN
Yes, but...he really needs to see you tonight. He… doesn't' have much time left and requested you personally. Death by snoo snoo. If you gotta go out you might as well do it with a smile on your face.

AMANDA
No, I'm sorry. It's too late.

DEAN
Don't be like that. Come on. The guy's a mess. Really. It's pathetic.

AMANDA
Really?

DEAN
Oh, yeah.

AMANDA
Look, I've got to go. Um...tell him to call me when I land.

AMANDA hangs up.

DEAN

Ah yeah. All I need now is a really good Vince Vaughn costume.

A miniature Dean appears on DEAN's left shoulder.

MINIATURE!DEAN

Dude, you should definitely hit that!

Another miniature Dean appears on his right shoulder.

OTHER!DEAN

Yeah, I agree.

DEAN

Well, f**k me.

AMANDA heads for the plane, greeting coworkers.

AMANDA
How are you? Hey, Bob.

BOB THE BUILDER

I can fucking fix anything!

AMANDA

Still on meth, then?

The black cloud comes out of a vent, then goes back in.

INT. AIRPORT CHECK-IN AREA – NIGHT

DEAN
Damn it! So close.

INTERCOM
Thank you for flying United Britannia Airlines. Bitches!

SAM
All right, it's time for plan B. We're getting on that plane because I have to go to the little Sammy's room!

DEAN
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Now just hold on a second.

SAM
Dean, that plane is leaving with over a hundred passengers on board, and if we're right, that plane is gonna crash.

DEAN
I know.

SAM
Okay. So we're getting on the plane, we need to find that demon and exorcise it. I'll get the tickets. You get whatever you can out of the trunk. I think there's a bazooka in there somewhere. Whatever that will make it through the security. Meet me back here in five minutes.

DEAN just looks at him anxiously.

SAM
Are you okay?

DEAN
No, not really.

SAM
What? What's wrong?

DEAN
Well, I kind of have this problem with, uh...

SAM
Flying?

DEAN
It's never really been an issue until now.

SAM
You're joking, right?

DEAN
Do I look like I'm joking? Why do you think I drive everywhere, Sam?

SAM
All right. Uh, I'll go.

DEAN
What?

SAM
I'll do this one on my own, but you'll never live it down. Hell, I'll never let you.

DEAN
What are you, nuts? You said it yourself, the plane's gonna crash.

SAM
Dean, we can do it together, or I can do this one by myself. I'm not seeing a third option, here.

DEAN
Come on! Really? Man...

INT. PLANE – NIGHT

INTERCOM

Flight attendants, please cross-check [something] before departure.

DEAN, in the aisle seat, is anxiously reading the safety card.

SAM
Just try to relax. Take deep soothing breaths. I want you to be comfortable while I do my thing.

DEAN
Just try to shut up. Wait, what?

The plane takes off, with DEAN jumping at every rumble and sound. SAM smirks.

INT. PLANE IN FLIGHT – NIGHT

DEAN is leaning back, humming to himself. SAM looks over.

SAM
You're humming Metallica?

DEAN
Calms me down.

SAM
Look, man, I get you're nervous, all right? But you got to stay focused.

DEAN
Okay.

SAM
I mean, we got thirty-two minutes and counting to track this thing down, or whoever it's possessing, anyway, and perform a full-on exorcism.

DEAN
Yeah, on a crowded plane. That's gonna be easy. Like getting the special ending in Tetris.

SAM
Just take it one step at a time, all right? Now, who is it possessing?

DEAN
It's usually gonna be somebody with some sort of weakness, you know, a chink in the armor that the demon can worm through. Somebody with an addiction or some sort of emotional distress.

FUTURE!SAM N' DEAN

Bwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

SAM
Well, this is Amanda's first flight after the crash. If I were her, I'd be pretty… messed up. Dean, do you think I'm pretty?

DEAN
Mm-hm.

Sam squeals but not like a pig.

DEAN turns to a FLIGHT ATTENDANT, who is not AMANDA. Damn damn damn!

DEAN
Excuse me. Are you Amanda?

FLIGHT ATTENDANT
No, I'm not.

DEAN
Oh, my mistake.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT
Mm-hm.

DEAN looks to the back of the plane to AMANDA.

DEAN
All right, well, that's got to be Amanda back there, so I'll go talk to her, and, uh, I'll get a read on her mental state.

SAM
What if she's already possessed?

DEAN
There's ways to test that. Bah chika wah wah!

DEAN goes into his bag and comes out with a Virgin Mary–shaped bottle of water.

DEAN
I brought holy water. And holy oil. And holy cow! I just about shot my pants!

SAM
Ew. I'm going to the restroom.

DEAN

Flush twice, bitch.

SAM

You got it, jerk.

SAM snatches the bottle and tucks it inside his hoodie.

INT. PLANE – RESTROOM – NIGHT

Sam pulls his pans down like a little kid and pisses into a urinal.

SAM

(rapping)

Don't push me, cause I'm close to the edge!

I'm tryin' hard not to lose my head!

It's like a jungle sometimes, it makes me wonder

How I keep for going under!

Damn it, Dean. Now I'm doing it.

The lights go out.

When the come back on, BUFFALO JONES is RIGHT THE FUCK behind Sam!

BUFFALO JONES

Guess who, Sammy boy?

SAM

F**K!

Sam runs from Buffalo Jones, pants still around his legs.

SAM

Help me!

BUFFALO JONES

What's the rush?

(demonic voice)

Get over here!

Buffalo Jones slings his tail around like a lasso and ropes Sam.

SAM

Dean! DEAN! Rape! RAPE!

BUFFALO JONES

I'm about to do some shit to you that you won't remember til you're forty!

The Little GIRL appears.

BUFFALO JONES

No! Lunara? What are you doing here?

LUNARA

I'm here to preserve this boy's innocence. And wreck yo shit!

Lunara throws her coat back revealing two COLT revolvers.

LUNARA

Do you feel lucky, punk? Well, do ya?!

BUFFALO JONES

I hate multiple choice questions!

Lunara SHOOTS the SHIT out of Buffalo Jones. He has more holes in him than an emo piece of Swish cheese. He falls over dead and EXPLODES cause he was a rape robot. Go go Power Rangers!

SAM

What… the… fawk?!

LUNARA

You're welcome. And stay away from cursed video tapes. See you soon.

SAM

Wait, I don't under -

INT. PLANE - NIGHT

SAM
I think we can go more subtle. If she's possessed, she'll flinch at the name of God…

DEAN

What is it?

SAM

I don't know. I feel weird. Like something bad was gonna happened, but then it didn't.

DEAN
Oh. Nice. Let's do this.

DEAN turns to go.

SAM
Hey.

DEAN
What?

SAM
Say it in Latin.

DEAN
I know.

DEAN leaves again.

SAM
Okay. Hey!

DEAN
What?!

SAM
Uh, in Latin, it's "Christo".

DEAN
Dude, I know! I'm not an idiot!

DEAN makes his way to the back of the plane and trips over his own feet.

COPILOT
Ladies and gentlemen, this is your first officer speaking...

AMANDA is fussing with the drink cart and napkins.

AMANDA

No you can not scare the shit out of people!

DRINK CART

Come on. Let's hish a pipy! Brarp!

NAPKINS

We don't talk! Get help!

DEAN
Hi.

AMANDA
Hi. Can I help you with something?

DEAN
Oh, no. I'm just a bit of an uneasy flier. It makes me feel better to walk around a little bit. Wanna screw?

AMANDA
Oh, it happens to the best of us.

DEAN
Of course, you being a stewardess, I guess flying comes easy to you. Wanna screw?

AMANDA laughs.

AMANDA
You'd be surprised.

DEAN
Really? You're a nervous flier? Wanna screw?

AMANDA
Yeah, maybe, little bit.

DEAN
How is it that, being a stewardess, you're scared to fly? Wanna screw?

AMANDA
Kind of a long story.

DEAN
Right. I'm sorry for asking. But, seriously now. Do you wanna screw?

AMANDA
It's okay.

DEAN
Fuck! You ever consider other employment?

AMANDA
No. Look, everybody's scared of something. I just, uh...I'm not gonna let it hold me back.

DEAN
Huh.

AMANDA
So...

DEAN
CHRISTO!

AMANDA
I'm sorry. Did you say something?

DEAN hesitates.

DEAN
Christo?

AMANDA
I—I didn't, I didn't...

DEAN
Yeah, nothing. Never mind.

DEAN returns to his seat.

AMANDA
Okay. Man, I really wanted to screw him.

DEAN
All right, well, she's got to be the most well-adjusted person on the planet.

SAM
You said "Christo"?

DEAN
Yeah.

SAM
And?

DEAN
There's no demon in her. There's no demon getting in her. I hate this! I hate my life!

SAM
So, if it's on the plane, it can be anyone. Anywhere. Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahn!

The plane shakes.

DEAN
Come on! That can't be normal!

SAM
Hey, hey, it's just a little turbulence. Or a new initiation into the mile high club. Why'd you get kicked out again?

DEAN

Let's just say there's some things you can't do with a mannequin. Sam, this plane is going to crash, okay? So quit treating me like I'm friggin' four.

SAM
You need to calm down.

DEAN
Well, I'm sorry I can't.

SAM
Yes, you can. Don't make me take my belt off!

DEAN
Dude, stow the touchy-feely, self-help yoga crap, it's not helping.

SAM
Listen, if you're panicked, you're wide open to demonic possession, so you need to calm yourself down. Right now.

FUTURE!SAM N' DEAN

HAHAHA! This shit is killing me!

DEAN takes a long, slow breath.

SAM
Good. Now, I found an exorcism in here that I think is gonna work. The Rituale Romanum.

DEAN
What do we have to do? Dress in drag and do the hula?

SAM
It's two parts. The first part expels the demon from the victim's body. It makes it manifest, which actually makes it more powerful.

DEAN
More powerful?

SAM
Yeah.

DEAN
How?

SAM
Well, it doesn't need to possess someone anymore. It can just wreak havoc on its own.

DEAN
Oh. And why is that a good thing?

SAM
Well, because the second part sends the bastard back to hell once and for all.

FUTURE!SAM N' DEAN

The f**k?

DEAN
Nothing. How much time we got?

SAM
Fifteen minutes. Maybe we missed somebody.

DEAN
Maybe the thing's just not on the plane.

SAM
You believe that?

DEAN
Well, I will if you will.

DEAN looks down as the EMF meter spikes. The COPILOT exits the bathroom and heads towards the cockpit. Did he wash his hands?

SAM
What? What is it?

DEAN
Christo.

The COPILOT turns slowly to face them. His eyes are black.

The COPILOT goes into the cockpit. SAM and DEAN head to the back of the plane towards Amanda.

SAM
She's not gonna believe this.

DEAN
Twelve minutes, dude. Cyrano, you're up.

AMANDA
Oh, hi. Flight's not too bumpy for you, I hope.

CYRANO DE BERGERAC

Look here, bitch. You been talking a whole lot of shit. Wait til you see my dick.

AMANDA

Excuse me?

DEAN
Actually, that's kind of what we need to talk to you about.

SAM closes the curtain. Bah chika wah wah!

AMANDA
Um, okay. What can I do for you?

DEAN
All right, this is gonna sound nuts, but we just don't have time for the whole "the truth is out there" speech right now.

FOX MULDER

Mr. Winchester, you're to report to my office immediately after class.

DEAN

Will Scully be there?

FOX MULDER

No.

DEAN

F**k.

SAM
All right, look, we know you were on flight 2485.

AMANDA's smile disappears. Where could it be?

AMANDA
Who are you guys?

BEN LINUS

We're the good guys, Michael.

SAM
Now, we've spoken to some of the other survivors. We know something brought down that plane and it wasn't a mechanical failure.

DEAN
We need your help because we need to stop it from happening again. Here. Now.

AMANDA
I'm sorry, I—I'm very busy. I have to go back—

She tries to brush past DEAN, who stops her.

DEAN
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait a second. I'm not gonna hurt you, okay? But listen to me, uh...The pilot in 2485, Chuck Not Norris Lambert. He's dead.

AMANDA
Wait. What? What, Chuck is dead?

DEAN
He died in a plane crash. Now, that's two plane crashes in two months. That doesn't strike you as strange?

AMANDA
I—

DEAN

Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahn?

SAM
Look, there was something wrong with 2485. Now maybe you sensed it, maybe you didn't. But there's something wrong with this flight, too. The peanuts are too damn salty!

DEAN
Amanda, you have to believe us.

AMANDA
On...on 2485, there was this man. He...had these eyes.

FRASIER CRANE

Yes. Tell me about this man with the eyes.

SAM
Yes. That's exactly what we're talking about.

AMANDA
I don't understand, what are you asking me to do?

DEAN
Okay. The copilot, we need you to bring him back here. I bought some duct tape and chloroform and I'll be damned if I don't use it.

AMANDA
Why? What does he have to do with anything?

DEAN
Don't have time to explain. We just need to talk to him. Okay?

AMANDA
How am I supposed to go in the cockpit and get the copilot—

SAM
Do whatever it takes. Tell him there's something broken back here, whatever will get him out of that cockpit. Ha! I said back!

AMANDA
Do you know that I could lose my job if you—

DEAN
Okay, well you're gonna lose a lot more if you don't help us out.

AMANDA
Okay.

AMANDA leaves and goes to the cockpit. She knocks on the door and says something inaudible to the copilot, who follows her back. SAM pulls out the holy water. DEAN pulls out Jon's journal and hands it to SAM, who opens it.

COPILOT
Yeah, what's the problem?

DEAN punches him in the face, knocking him down. He pins him down and puts duct tape over his mouth.

SAM

Someone's been working out!

DEAN

You noticed!

AMANDA
Wait. What are you doing? You said you were just gonna talk to him.

DEAN
We are gonna talk to him.

SAM

I bet this looks weird to anyone just tuning in.

DEAN splashes holy water on his skin, which sizzles.

AMANDA
Oh, my god. What's wrong with him?

SAM
Look. We need you calm. We need you outside the curtain.

AMANDA
Well, I don't underst—I don't know—

SAM
Don't let anybody in, okay? Can you do that? Can you do that? Amanda? I like privacy when I do my thing.

AMANDA
Okay. Okay.

AMANDA leaves.

DEAN
Hurry up, Sam. I don't know how much longer I can hold him, Cap'n!

SAM
Regna terrae, cantate Deo, psallite Domino—

The DEMON breaks free briefly and hits them both until DEAN manages to subdue him again. SAM picks up where he left off. The DEMON knocks DEAN off again and pulls the tape off his mouth. He grabs SAM by the collar.

DEMON
I know what happened to your girlfriend! She must have died screaming! Even now, she's burning! There! I said it! It's canon now!

DEAN recovers and hits the DEMON as SAM sits there, stunned.

DEAN
Sam!

SAM recovers and begins reading again. He puts the book down and helps DEAN pin down the DEMON, who kicks the book up the aisle.

SAM
I got him.

The DEMON exits the COPILOT's body and disappears into a vent.

SAM
Where'd it go?

DEAN
It's in the plane. Hurry up. We got to finish it. Get the condom!

SAM

Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahn?

EXT. PLANE – NIGHT and INT. PLANE – NIGHT, alternating

The plane suddenly dips and heaves violently. SAM struggles to retrieve the book as DEAN splays himself against the exit door, screaming.

SAM manages to grab the book and reads the rest of the exorcism. A bright electrical charge runs through the entire plane, which then levels out.

The DEMON possesses a huge body builder.

SAM

Oh crap.

DEMON

Fee fi fo fum!

And CHUCK WHO IS NOT TO WITH FUCK NORRIS is like "The eyes of a ranger are upon you. Roundhouse kick!"

DEAN

Lights out, bitch.

Sam, Dean and Chuck Norris celebrate with a hug. A manly hug. GO 'MERICA! And the Demon dies cause it's f**kin' CHUCK NORRIS.

Chuck Norris: Demon Hunter!

INT. AIRPORT – NIGHT

The passengers from the flight are disembarking to an area milling with uniformed agents (PARAMEDIC, FBI, FAA, etc). The COPILOT is seated in a wheelchair with a blanket wrapped around him, being questioned by an FAA AGENT.

FAA AGENT
Sir, can you tell me what happened?

COPILOT
I don't know. I was walking through the airport, then it all goes blank. I don't even remember getting on the plane or where I got the boot print on my ass.

AMANDA is being questioned by another agent.

FBI AGENT
Anything else, Mr. Anderson?

AMANDA
No, that's all. And don't Jew call me that. My name is Amanda. Amanda!

She sees SAM and DEAN standing across the way and mouths "Thank you". They nod.

DEAN
Let's get out of here.

DEAN and SAM head for the exit.

DEAN
You okay?

SAM stops and turns.

SAM
Dean, it knew about Jessica. Do you think demons have access to newspapers?!

DEAN
Sam, these things, they, they read minds. They lie. All right? That's all it was. A lie from a lying liar who lies and is bad because it lies.

SAM
Yeah.

DEAN
Come on.

EXT. AIRPORT – DAY

JERRY
Nobody knows what you guys did, but I do. A lot of people could have been killed.

JERRY shakes their… let's say hands.

JERRY
Your dad's gonna be real proud.

SAM
We'll see you around, Jerry.

DEAN
You know, Jerry.

JERRY
Yeah.

DEAN
I meant to ask you, how did you get my cell phone number, anyway? I've only had it for like six months.

JERRY
Your dad gave it to me.

SAM
What?!

DEAN

What?!

SAM

Long "H" word?!

DEAN
When did you talk to him?

JERRY
I mean, I didn't exactly talk to him, but I called his number. His voice message said to give you a call. Sounded kind of hung over. Thanks again, guys.

JERRY leaves.

EXT. AIRPORT ACCESS – DAY

A plane with a red maple leaf on the tail flies overhead.

SAM
This doesn't make any sense, man. I've called Dad's number like fifty times. It's been out of service.

DEAN dials a number. As the voice message begins, he turns it so SAM can hear too.

JON
Dis iss Jon Waaaaaayne Winchessshire. I can be reached. BURP! If dis ish an emerg.. emerg… problem, call my sssson, Dean. 785-555-0179. He can help.

Jon is heard vomiting.

LUNARA appears before them.

SAM

Hey!

LUNARA

Hello, Sam.

DEAN

Sam, you go something to say to me?

SAM

I don't know. Do I know you?

LUNARA

Not yet.

DEAN

You wanna tell me what the hey-hey is going on?

LUNARA

There's a secret war.

DEAN

Ain't that cute.

LUNARA

And you're a part of it.

SAM

Are there ponies? I'm asking for a friend.

LUNARA

There are other worlds. Many. And if you want to save yours, you'll come with me. Right now.

DEAN

We're not going anywhere, princess.

LUNARA

Magic!

A F**KING dimensional portal envelopes the trio.

DEAN

Okay. Guess we are.

SAM

Narnia, here we come!

The trio along with the Impala, disappear in a flash of sprinkling light.

EXT. AIRPORT – DAY

Jerry screams. He is covered in blood and missing an ear.

JERRY

I don't know where they went! They're already gone.

LEVI!CAS

So we're too late. Okay, officially bored now.

Levi!Cas skins Jerry alive. It's not as fun as it sounds.

A MAN walks in. He looks like DEAN, but there's something off about him. He's older, wearing all black with a badass beard. There's a scary coldness in his eyes.

DARK!DEAN

Lunara. That little bitch must've found them. Doesn't matter. They'll die just like all the rest. You ready to raise some hell, Levi?

LEVI!CAS

Always. This is gonna be so much fun.

Levi!Cas laughs like a hyena because he is evil and eats some Jerry jerky.

SQUAD cars pull up.

DARK!DEAN reaches into his coat, pulling out the FIRST BLADE. It resonates with power.

DARK!DEAN

(smiling)

Oh, I'm counting on it.

AND THE SECRET WAR BEGINS!