First time writing for the Nikita fandom!
This takes place some time after 3x13 but doesn't follow the show, as Amanda doesn't take Alex captive.
My favorite relationship on the show is the one between Nikita and Amanda; I find it fascinating.
Sometimes at night, she finds herself wishing things were different.
Well, actually she always wishes that things were different, but they are not so bad now, at least not as much as they used to.
Nikita has Michael, and Alex. She has Birkhoff and Owen, and Ryan. Perhaps even Sean. The point is, she is not alone. She is surrounded by people she loves and cares about.
No, when Nikita wishes that things were different; it's only about one person.
She sighs and quietly slips out of the bed she shares with Michael.
It's been weeks.
Waiting for the next move against her and Division makes her restless.
Nikita closes the door of the bedroom and walks into the living-room. She loves this apartment and the view it offers. She stands in front of the bay window and watches the lights of the city below. At this late—or early—hour, the streets are mostly empty.
She lets her thoughts wander back to what keeps her up at night.
Amanda.
They haven't heard from her since Geneva.
Amanda.
Nikita hates that she can't get her out of her head. She remembers every little detail about their last encounter. She remembers the feeling of the redhead's nails digging into her palm hard enough to draw blood. She remembers…
You made her, and like everything else you love, she will turn against you.
These words keep playing in her mind. They had a double meaning, of course. Amanda believed that she had made Nikita, and that Nikita had been the one to betray her.
Like everything else you love.
It was the choice of this particular word that feels unsettling. Had Amanda been talking about their own messed up relationship? Nikita is pretty sure that Amanda is incapable of caring for anything or anyone but herself, let alone love.
And yet…
Deep inside, she also knows that she doesn't really know Amanda.
The older woman is frustrating Nikita to no end. In the fire, when they both thought they were about to die, Nikita had caught a glimpse of what was behind the mask, of who Amanda really was.
Broken.
Amanda was—is—broken, probably beyond repair, more than Nikita ever was.
And Nikita hates that she still wants to fix this. To fix her. She hates that she cares.
"Damn it," she whispers as she lets her forehead bang slightly against the window and closes her eyes.
Amanda wants to destroy her and she can't let her guard down because if she does, Amanda will strike and it will hurt. Because Nikita may not know much about her, but Amanda knows everything about Nikita.
The problem is that when it comes to Amanda, Nikita isn't sure how she feels. Where there should be hatred, she can only find compassion. She can't say that she understands the redhead's motivations, but Amanda is so complex and complicated and it only makes Nikita want to know more about her.
So she wishes things were different. She wishes Amanda was not past the point of no return, she wishes the other woman hadn't killed so many innocents, that she had turned herself in when she could have.
She wishes Amanda cared enough about her to let her be happy.
The only thing she doesn't wish for, despite being absolutely entitled to wanting this, is Amanda's death.
And that, perhaps, is what confuses Nikita the most.
Let me know what you think of that short piece!
OTH-FOQ