Finn was happy for the first time in a long time. His lady spree—hopping princess to princess in pursuit of contentment—had presented no respite to his gloom. In fact, his evening with Lumpy Space Princess made him feel even worse. But with the inexplicable return of his arm, he'd bounced back to his former, jovial self.
The human took off to the Tree Fort as dawn approached. There, he hurriedly told Jake of what happened—though there was little to tell. Awoken far too early, the sleep-deprived pup could only manage a feeble "yay" before waving his brother off and rolling back over. But Finn was too excited; he had to tell somebody. He hopped over to the window and eyed the landscape, thinking of where to go.
Most of his friends were still asleep. Marceline slept by day and, judging by the growing shades of red on the horizon, she'd be dormant soon enough. He knew better than to disturb a sleeping vampire. That only left one person: Princess Bubblegum.
All-nighters were common for Peebles. On an average day, she'd work for 20 hours if not more. But after the tower incident—after he'd unwittingly collapsed his haphazard structure straight through a third of the Candy Kingdom—she'd been wholly restless, busied with repairs. Guilt-ridden and all but exiled, the human had been keeping his distance from the princess.
However, his newfound enthusiasm seemed to surpass his hesitancy. He leapt from the Fort and ran toward the castle, now a black mountain silhouetted by the morning light.
Despite the hour, the kingdom was bustling and noisy. Most of the citizens were only just waking, but construction crews had been operating non-stop to fix the damage. Surprisingly, no one seemed too upset with him—rather, he was being welcomed as he usually would. Bubblegum must've kept his involvement a secret, he realized. In the land of Ooo, a random tower being assembled by magic was less than atypical. It subsequently collapsing and causing yet another calamity was even less so—unaccountable disasters were a frequent occurrence, after all. As far as the candy people knew, something rose and fell from the Grasslands, and no one was to blame.
Finn waved to the starstruck workers and walked into the broken side of the castle. As he expected, Bubblegum was as active as her subjects. Adorned in her usual lab gear, she was testing another new gadget. It reassembled the broken walls at a much more efficient pace. In her wake, the hallway appeared brand new. She turned his way, revealing the black eye he'd previously given her. It was yet to heal fully.
"Uh...hi, Prubs," he said shamefully.
The princess disengaged the device and, seeing who had arrived, quickly discarded of it. She jogged his way, a sense of urgency in her stride. Finn gulped. She didn't look happy; he wondered if he'd find himself in the dungeon soon enough.
"Finn! Glob, where have you been? I've been calling you since Monday but Jake keeps picking up. He says you've been all over Ooo lately—since your doctor's appointment?"
"Oh yeah, well…" he trailed off and shrugged, unwilling to tell her of his recent escapades.
Bubblegum gasped at the sight of his new arm. She grabbed his wrist brazenly and pulled him closer. With her other hand, she poked at his flesh and scratched at the thorn in his palm.
"Wow, this is impressive. Who made it?" she asked. Her tone was bitter, as though she couldn't believe another Oooian would create a better prosthetic limb than her.
"Nobody. I just...grew it myself, I guess."
"Huh...I didn't know humans could do that…" she said. "Interesting. Well, I have something much more important to discuss with you. Follow me."
His heart skipped a beat. He'd donked up before but this was something else. Bubblegum would surely have some kind of punishment waiting…
"So," she continued as they walked down the hall. "Word is you've been gettin' around lately." The princess smirked at him and raised an eyebrow. He blushed and avoided eye contact. "Don't be embarrassed, Finn—it's perfectly healthy. But there are some precautions you need to take, and I doubt Jake has given you all the details…"
"Like what?"
"Well...when you're with a girl, and things are starting to get more...amorous, you may want to take things a little further. I'm sure you've heard all this before, yes?"
"Yeah—Jake did tell me 'bout this stuff, Peebs. You hug an' kiss, then the lady shows you her stomach, you get to rub her horn, etcetera. Then you get married an' junk."
Bubblegum halted and stared at him, dumbfounded.
"No. That's not correct at all. Well, maybe it is of him and Lady—but not everybody else. This is long overdue...I think it's time you learn about the birds and the bees, Finn."
"Oh, I know all about bees," he said, remembering Breezy. "Flower lust, royal jelly, pollen crumbles, and becoming a drone...I don't think I'm interested."
Peebles sighed and rubbed a temple. This was going to be more difficult than she anticipated. She ushered Finn into a nearby room and closed the door behind them. It looked to be some kind of war room. A long conference table sat in the center, surrounded by chairs. On the back wall, a white canvas hung from the ceiling. Beside it, a plain podium. The projector was fitted to the ceiling on the opposite side of the room.
"Take a seat."
The human obeyed, plopping down in the nearest chair. Bubblegum pulled a drive from a pocket on her lab coat and inserted it into the projector. From the back of the podium, she retrieved its remote.
"Okay, so…" she began, pressing a button. The room lights flicked off and the canvas was flooded with a blank image. "I've been preparing this presentation for quite a while. Actually, I started it right after that little scare you had with Flame Princess."
With another button press, the projection changed. It read, Human Sexuality: Seeking Pleasure and Avoiding Risk, Pt. 1. A muffled snicker was heard. Bubblegum met Finn with an annoyed stare, and he shrugged—both assumed the noise came from the other.
"Before we begin, let's discuss what you've done so far," she said.
"Peebs, I dunno if I want to do this right now. I'm kind of in a good mood, an' I thought I'd—"
"Go spend some time with yet another princess?" she interrupted. "And end up with an unplanned litter of babies—like Jake?" She sighed once more, immediately regretting her hostility. "Look, Finn...you're my champion. You're my friend. I'm just trying to help you out. And...I think you owe me this much. I let you off the hook for the tower devastation."
The human blushed, guilt overwhelming him. He straightened his posture. "Okay."
"Good. Now then, what have you done so far?"
In an instant, his entire history with women flooded through his mind. Uncertain of the princess' expectations, he chose to start at the beginning.
"I made out with...you. Then I hugged an' made out with the 13-year-old you. Then I hugged Phoebe, then we made out too. Then I made out with Crab Princess, then—"
"Whoa—we never 'made out'. We've barely even kissed. What do you mean exactly?"
Finn appeared a little hurt, but continued: "Y'know, we touched lips. I've been doin' that all over the place lately. Doctor's orders."
Bubblegum squinted. She decided she'd have a serious talk about professionalism with Doctor Princess later.
"Okay, so...that's not 'making out'. That's just kissing. Making out is more...lengthy and intimate. What else have you done besides hugging?"
"Nothing really. 'Cept for last night with LSP. She said we were...going in 'the deep end'? An' that she was 'on lifeguard duty'. I wasn't really into it, but she pinned me down, so…"
The princess suddenly looked horrified. She raised a hand to cover her mouth, upset that her hero had been taken advantage of. He was so innocent, so inexperienced...and he'd had nothing but bad luck with romance thus far. LSP using him could hurt his confidence irreparably. Peebles stepped around the conference table and embraced him.
"Oh Finn, I'm so sorry. Are you okay?" she asked.
"Y-yeah," he responded, confused. "Why wouldn't I be?"
She pulled away and cocked her head. "Wait...what did she do to you?"
"She just licked my face a lot...and rubbed her lumps all over my chest. It was pretty weird but it didn't hurt or nothin'."
It wasn't as bad as she assumed. Still though, it did sound pretty disgusting. Bubblegum resumed her position behind the podium and regained her composure.
"We'll start there, then. Lesson One: consent."
An exasperated groan filled the room. Peebles looked offended. Finn looked perplexed.
A myriad of dry, repetitive lessons followed. Consent, open communication, boundaries, and respectful approach were all covered in painstaking detail. The human struggled to remain focused.
"Now, let's discuss anatomy," the princess said.
Finn heard a quiet sigh of relief from over his shoulder, as though someone was standing behind him. He turned but saw nothing out of the ordinary. When he looked back to the projection, he shrieked in surprise.
"There's no reason to get upset. It's scaled up for clarity; the proportions aren't exactly...average."
Bubblegum pulled out a laser pointer and aimed it at the diagram of a penis.
"Here's the shaft, the head, the meatus, the frenulum, the…"
Her words lost meaning as his concentration faded. He stared at the image, then at her. It was shocking to see her so casual about it...a picture of someone's privates was plastered on the wall and she didn't seem to care. Instead, she drew more attention to it.
"...and it's worth noting that most Oooians have a similar anatomy. All sapient Ooo species sexually reproduce and are split into males and females—while shape and size may differ, the mechanism is identical. Not all pairings may produce fertile offspring, though you should always act as though it's a possibility. This diagram is based on a candy person's anatomy—I designed their genitals after those of humans, from a pre-war textbook I pieced together—so it should be most relevant for your edification. Finn?"
He snapped out of his stupor and nodded.
"Now, let's go over female anatomy. Like male, it is very similar with most—"
Suddenly, the projector fell from its mount. On impact, it shattered, plunging the room into darkness. The princess huffed and turned the lights on with her remote, then walked over to inspect the damage.
"That's so strange...it looks like the base was forcibly torn where the screws met the panel. How could it—aw darn! My drive!"
Bubblegum pulled the remaining pieces of the device from the pile. It had been crushed under the weight of the projector.
"My only copy...darn. I should'a backed it up, but Peps is always looking through my stuff. I didn't want any prying eyes." She looked to her hero. "Sorry, Finn. This'll have to be a verbal lesson. Unless…"
She weighed her options mentally. Undoubtedly, the human had been infatuated with her for a long time, though he seemed to be over it now. But his education took priority. And, given his track record that past week, there was a good chance he'd be getting more serious with someone soon enough. He needed to learn, and he needed to learn now. The argument made sense but something in the back of her mind seemed to promote it further. A sort of satisfaction she expected from it...she dismissed the notion as best she could. Still, it remained.
"Okay, I have a better idea." She took a step back and discarded of her lab coat. "I'll be your visual reference. I'm a humanoid myself; my anatomy should suffice."
A giggle sounded from beside the human. Both he and the princess were too distracted to notice.
Author's Note:
Heads up—I intend for this to be a fairly short story, three chapters or so. This is my second Adventure Time fanfic. The first is called The Hero's Heart, if you're interested. Their beginnings are rather similar, though it wasn't intentional.
Anyway, please review and offer criticism! I intend to improve and your input helps. Feel free to leave suggestions for future stories as well—character match-ups, plot points, prompts, etc.
As always, thanks for reading!