My mission had been a fools errand. There was no way for me to complete it successfully and a part of me had wondered, even when I was first sent, why Dumbledore would push me away so clearly. The long weeks where I was cut off from those I cared for - the select few who cared for me, confronted by those… Thank God I can say in all honesty I am not like them. I don't hurt people as they do, I still have hope of a job and a life… perhaps that is why they have become what I fear to be… And the ring leader… thoughts of him haunted me my whole life - they still do.
It had been a gruelling, bitter task which had ultimately failed and though I returned with the disappointing news on my lips - the idea of Dumbledore turning that disappointment on me was bearable because on my return I could see them again. The only reason my life was so different from the monsters I had been trying to turn to the light. My friends. My dear friends.
Only when I return I'm not greeted by Sirius Black's barking laugh as I return to our head quarters, no cocky smile from the now frequently absent James Potter… Not even the stuttered welcome customarily given by Peter. In fact the head quarters are empty. A chill runs through me as I walk from empty room to empty room. I was cut off entirely when I was with the werewolves. Could the order have been discovered in my absence? My mind runs with the idea before I can stop it. Death Eaters bursting through broken doors, curses flying at healthy and injured wizards alike. The safe heaven destroyed. My friends…
But Lily and James - they were safe. Sirius would sooner die than give up their location. Yes… The potters were safe with their little son… "Lupin," I recognise the voice, turn to Dumbledore. The words of fear die on my lips. Dumbledore wouldn't let the people I care for die. He wouldn't let me be alone in this world.
My pain eased.
But that was temporary.
Because I am alone now. It's far worse than I thought. The rest of the world is celebrating and I… I crumple up in a dusty old house - a broken man with nowhere to go. No… not a man, because they were the ones that held me together as a wizard and now… What am I without the strength they gave me? I should be celebrating… The Dark lord gone at last. But it is of no help to me. I wanted this world safe for them and theirs…
But I didn't even know them… Not Sirius… Sirius Black who killed them all… Lily, James… Even Peter? Sirius Black the traitor. Who I trusted. Who I believed when he said that it didn't matter and I was still a wizard. He lied to us. And James… James and Lily who believed I was a traitor… How much more fitting that would have been. The half-breed, the deceitful creature by nature. Yes… I should have been the traitor. If I was then everyones distrust would have been well placed.
To think I convinced myself that I could prove I was better.
The world lost too many good witches and wizards this day. And the people are celebrating.
I try to remember the spells to lock myself up next full moon and know that in my despair, the wolf will tear itself apart.