"Then let us celebrate that, as well", Darth Plagueis heared Sidious beckoning to 11-4D. "Fill our glasses, droid."
Plagueis took his glass filled for the umpteenth time. He looked at the bottle of Sullustan wine, the droid had opened twenty standard minutes before. It was the fourth one and already half empty.
With dreamy weariness beginning to get the better of him, it was all Plagueis could do to lift the glass to his nose. No sooner did he set the drink down than it tipped over, saturating the tablecloth. His eyelids began to flicker and close, and his breathing slowed. In twenty years of never having had to contend with Plagueis in a state of sleep, the transpirator clicked repeatedly in adjustment, almost as if in panic.
A few meters distant, Sidious came to a halt, gazing at Plagueis for a long moment, as though making up his mind about something. Then, blowing out his breath, he set his own glass down and reached for the cloak he had draped over a chair. Swirling it around himself, he started for the door, only to stop shortly before he reached it. Turning and stretching out with the Force, he glanced around the room, as one might to fix a memory in the mind. Briefly his gaze fell on the droid, its glowing photoreceptors whirring to regard him in evident curiosity.
A look of sinister purpose contorted Sidious's face.
Again, his eyes darted around the room, and the Dark Side whispered:
Your election assured, the Sun Guards absent, Plagueis unsuspecting and asleep …
And he moved in a blur.
He stopped right before the sofa where Plagueis laid stretched out, ready to be overwhelmed, his black-green robes tainted with the noble wine, his transpiratory mask making very slow noises while being in the sleeping-mode. And suddenly a big question roamed through Sidious's brain:
What shall I do with the drunken Plagueis,
What shall I do with the drunken Plagueis,
What shall I do with the drunken Plagueis,
Earlay in the midnight?
Hoo-ray, up I will rise,
Hoo-ray, up I will rise,
Hoo-ray, up I will rise
Earlay in the morning.
A devilish idea crossed Palpatine's mind. Nobody would miss Plagueis. He would immediately announce Hego Damask as being missed – maybe after one week. Then he had to wait a full standard year till he could become the already designated and acknowledged sole heir of his enormous wealthy master. Plagueis had done the same way with Tenebrous, as Sidious learnt from the elderly Muun himself.
Put him in the fridge until he's sober,
Put him in the fridge until he's sober,
Put him in the fridge until he's sober,
Earlay in the midnight.
Hoo-ray, up I will rise,
…
A memory flashed up in Sidious' mind. A memory about his master's origin from the icy planet called Mygeeto, where young Hego Damask learnt to embrace cold and even to enjoy it. No!, Sidious dismissed the idea. There must be other more painful options.
Lay him in the tub and wet him all over,
Lay him in the tub and wet him all over,
Lay him in the tub and wet him all over,
Earlay in the midnight.
Hoo-ray, up I will rise,
…
Still too gentle, did Sidious bury this thought too.
Take him and shake him and try to awake him,
Take him and shake him and try to awake him,
Take him and shake him and try to awake him,
Earlay in the midnight,
Hoo-ray, up I will rise,
…
Yeah!, Sidious mused, I'll wake him up letting him see what will become of his now useless body and mind. But it will take too long. He might have time to prepare then. Thus his thoughts turned into another direction.
Carry him into Shaak Ti's sleeping chamber,
Carry him into Shaak Ti's sleeping chamber,
Carry him into Shaak Ti's sleeping chamber,
Earlay in the midnight,
Hoo-ray, up I will rise,
…
Sidious knew that this proposal to himself was merely wishful thinking. Of course he couldn't step right into the Jedi Temple to lay down the body of his drunken Sith Master into the bed of a beautiful Jedi Master, making the heading of Hego Damask's career to become his so-called co-chancellor null and void by such a sex-and-whine-scandal. Maybe it would also spoil the reputation of his arch-foes – the Jedi. But now he needed something more realistic – some device available much easier.
Give him a dose of salt and water,
Give him a dose of salt and water,
Give him a dose of salt and water,
Into his transpirator,
Hoo-ray, up I will rise,
…
No!, Sidious defied the temptation. He may suffocate even before I would have delivered my cursing annihilating speech upon him. No! Plagueis won't get away without that flaming funeral-preaching of mine!
Give him a dash with his old long black cane,
Give him a dash with his old long black cane,
Give him a dash with his old long black cane,
Early in the midnight,
Hoo-ray, up I will rise,
…
Would that suffice to harm Plagueis? The same Plagueis who taunted him long ago on the icy world of Mygeeto that his fragile human body wasn't made to endure true excruciating punishment? Definitely not!, Sidious decided.
Tie his bootlaces in one running bowline,
Tie his bootlaces in one running bowline,
Tie his bootlaces in one running bowline,
He'll fall hard when he's rising,
Hoo-ray, up I will rise,
…
Funny sight to behold!, Sidious basked, but I have to let this be followed by more severe measures.
Throw him out the window into Western Sea,
Throw him out the window into Western Sea,
Throw him out the window into Western Sea,
Earlay in the midnight,
Hoo-ray, up I will rise,
…
Sidious dwelled in the very thought of smashing the big transparisteel window here in the highest level of the Kaldani tower from where one had a pleasant view on the Western Sea of Coruscant. How swift and energetic he would lift up his drunk-sleeping master – force-pushing Plagueis's long-limbed body out into the night of the Galaxy's capital … until it will hit the nightly dark salty waters. But what if Plagueis wakes up too early and will use the force to dampen his fall to survive? He surely would know who was responsible for his flight out of the window. Plagueis might be a fool – but not like that. Maybe when the water would come earlier, Sidious pondered.
Put him low the gutter of Kaldani Spires,
Put him low the gutter of Kaldani Spires,
Put him low the gutter of Kaldani Spires,
Urge climate-control let rain,
Hoo-ray, up I will rise,
…
Too unsafe!, Palpatine thought, Heat will do better than cold or wetness. Then his gaze fell on the statue of Yanjon, one of the four sages of Dwartii, next to the sofa where Plagueis was slumbering. He knew that in that sculpture, Plagueis did hide his lightsaber usually. A new spark of an idea incinerated his mind.
Shave his belly with his red lightsaber,
Shave his belly with his red lightsaber,
Shave his belly with his red lightsaber,
Earlay in the midnight,
Hoo-ray, up I will rise,
…
Sidious considered that too risky. Let alone that Plagueis nowhere did have any hair to shave, he could try to regain his Sith-weapon and then every lofty dream of Sidious might have become scattered in wane.
Hence Sidious decided to play it safe.
Grill him all over with blue force-lightning,
Grill him all over with blue force-lightning,
Grill him all over with blue force-lightning,
While delivering my hate-speech,
Hoo-ray, up I will rise,
…
Yeah! That's it!, Darth Sidious rejoiced in his very dark inner self. He would start slowly, increasing the dose of his force-lightning to make sure that his master wouldn't counter-attack, would listen instead - until he had told him everything he always wanted to tell Darth Plagueis but didn't dare – until now!
That's what to do with the drunken Plagueis,
That's what to do with the drunken Plagueis,
That's what to do with the drunken Plagueis,
Earlay in the midnight,
Hoo-ray, up I will rise,
…
Crackling from his fingertips, a web of blue lightning ground itself on the Muun's breathing device.
Author's note: My little niece has learnt the "Drunken Sailor" chanty by heart now. That brought me to this idea, in which I included several citations from ch. 31 of the novel "Darth Plagueis" of James Luceno.