An Extravaganza of Zimmish Musical Madness!
Because of "popular demand" and the all-powerful force of boredom, I have decided to write more Zim musicals. Be very afraid. I should be adding more when I feel like it. Note that I don't follow the letter of the episodes; I have to change things around a bit.
Bestest Friends (Act I)
Scene I: The Cafeteria
Kids are eating lunch. A spotlight is on Zim.
Another Lunch
Zim: Another lunch at skool
Another day to plan my conquest
And my eventual rule
Another day to dream
And to let my brilliant mind suggest
The best invading scheme
And none do realize
Except for Dib, but no one buys
His pathetic stories
So I am free to plan
The coming overthrow of man
And future Irken glories
These foolish Earthlings do not know
The greatness of their secret foe
Alas, it will just mean their doom
As the Irken army will make room
For the Earth's annihilation!
With my disguise
They simply won't catch wise
'Till I've caused great devastation!
Kids start throwing food and begin an elaborate dance number.
Kids: It's time for a food fight!
We'll fling our peas with all our might
With a side of potatoes
We can wage a war
By throwing meals to the floor
From burgers to tomatoes
Another chance to play
By throwing all our food away
How could a kid resist?
Torque: This is such a blast!
Hey, you! You had better think fast!
Torque throws mashed potatoes at Zita, but she ducks and it hits Zim.
Zita: Ha, nice try! You missed!
Zim, in pain, runs around.
Zim: Ow! Oh, the pain, the agony!
I need this... food-stuff off of me.
Eech, curse these starch potato things...
For pain... such pain, this cuisine brings,
Its evil has no parallel!
Ahhh, ow, that hurt!
I needed an alert
If I were to prepare more well...
Silence. All of the kids are staring at Zim.
Zim, speaking: What?
The kids go back to eating their food. A spotlight is on Jessica and her friends, and another one is on Zim. There is a dimmer spotlight on the geeky kids in the corner.
Inhuman
Jessica: There's something weird
About that guy
And I have feared;
I'll tell you why...
Aki: Well, duh, it's clear
That kid's a mess
I'm sorry dear,
It's obvious
Jessica: No, you misunderstand...
What's exactly at hand...
This skool, I'm sad to say, has many weirdos and geeks
From those who are eccentric to the true nuts and freaks
Many don't fit in the crowd
They're too boorish or too loud
All those weird braniac nerds
Who use hundred-dollar words
There's the dark poetic type, or
That weird kid with the pet viper
Aki: And there's the debate team kids
With their "Ergos" and "Quo pro quids"
Jessica: Yes. Enough, I've shown the slant
Of my 'geek takeover' rant
But let's talk about Zip...
Zim starts to listen.
Zim: Who, me?...
Jessica: He's worse than the rest.
For even the worst of geeks has a friend they like best.
But he just sits alone at lunch; I am assumin'
That such friendlessness seems, well, a little inhuman.
Zim: Inhuman? It's all lies!
I am perfectly disguised.
Jessica: You'd think he'd find someone
To play with and have fun
Like that crazy Dib, or even
Jessica points toward the geeky kids in the corner.
One of those losers could leaven
His freaky loneliness
But I shouldn't digress
The point is, so to speak,
That this new kid is a freak.
Jessica and friends: Yes, it's so true, there's quite a suspicion loomin'
That this Zip kid, being friendless, is a little inhuman.
The spotlights on Jessica's group and the geeks fade.
Zim's Nightmare
Zim: Is it true? Is it so clear?
Do I act less human than I appear?
No, it's not, no it can't be!
There must be friendless kids other than me...
Zim watches as the other kids perform a dance in which they all demonstrate friendship. The music becomes more ominous.
Can this really be the truth?
Is my lack of a best friend really proof
Of my alien origin?
How will I be secure? How will I win?
I fear my worst nightmare is coming true...
Now I can see...
My mission, gone. My fate, it will be grue-
-some and scary...
I see Earthlings everywhere!
They are in my secret lair...
And they are all aware
Of the truth; they come to stare!
And I am trapped; I can't resist
The cruelty of each scientist.
They'll smugly say, "All doubt was ended
When we saw he was not befriended."
Filthy humans celebrate
My capture and my sorry fate
And I can see that at this rate
I'll be in tabloids before too late.
Yes, a nightmare is coming... right before my eyes!
A nightmare, and it's... taking me by surprise!
How can I keep it from coming true?
And how will I be able to
Protect my secret?
If I could stop this nightmare... by changing my ways...
By getting some Earth-type friend... I could avert disgrace!
If there's someone I act nicer to
Then they'll be none the wiser. True?
Why yes, that's it!
Zim walks to the table with the geeky kids.
Zim, speaking: Who of you feels worthy of being my best friend?
If You'll Be My Friend
Zim: Come, Earth children, come, the time is near
If you are indeed worthy, you must now appear.
Your luck is nothing short of great
For you shall have a pal, first-rate
If you'll be my friend!
Zim goes to Dirge.
Hello there, my classmate, would you like the spot?
Dirge: Uh, sure... Hey, do you want to know what?
I was born with webbed toes, like a web-toed fish kid.
Would you like to see?
Zim: No... uh, time for a new bid.
Dirge walks away.
Too bad, but you don't qualify
Would somebody else like to try?
Please come be my friend!
Zim goes to Matthew.
Now it's your turn...
Matthew: Aaah!
Matthew screams and runs away.
Zim: ...I guess he's off the list.
Squealy fool, you don't know what you've missed!
So now it's two down and three left to go.
I'll need to test you in order to show...
...That you're a worthy pal for me.
Earn the privilege of being Zim's buddy!
Please come be my friend!
The three final kids gather around Zim.
My studies have shown that a loyal Earth friend
Excels at the tests I am about to rend-
-er. Pay attention, lucky children, for I must
Complete these tests just as discussed!
Test One... Absorbency!
Kids: Absorbency! Soon we'll see
Who will be Zim's friend!
As music plays, Zim pours milk on the table and pits the kids' heads in the milk to test their absorbency. Only Keef is successful. Zim holds two electrically charged wands.
Zim: Test Two... Conductivity!
Kids: Conductivity! Certainly
We'll find out who's Zim's friend!
Zim walks towards the kids. An onstage explosion obscures the test. When it clears, Melvin and Gretchen are charred.
Melvin and Gretchen: We don't know if we'll be your friend...
Zim: Hush, children, those wounds will mend.
In any case, there's one test left to do...
Until I find a friend who will be true!
Zim gets out the toy beaver and taxicab. As he walks towards the three kids, the tone of the music abruptly changes, becoming more upbeat. The curtain falls, and several kids, dressed in stereotypical Broadway garb, dance on stage and begin to sing.
Unfortunately Necessary
Kids: We want to keep this rated G
So this plot segue will be
Unfortunately
Necessary!
Let us sing, or even dance
You'll have to give us a chance
We're unfortunately
Necessary!
Let's see, let's see...
How can we help out the story?
Let's recap the plot thus far.
Those who snoozed will then know where we are!
Then our song will have some worth
Besides providing mindless mirth
That's unfortunately...
Sara: Yes, so unfortunately...
Kids: Unfortunately...
Sara: Truly a pity...
Kids: Necessary!
Smeedge: Poor Zim was faced with quite a difficult situation.
He needed to find friends and so he made an invitation
Mary: To a bunch of loser kids who he then would be able to use
To prove his human skill at making friends; that was his basic ruse!
The Letter M: And so he's testing them with some really oddly designed tests
To discover, of the kids, who had the necessary skills the best.
Kids: And that's where we left off, so it is really time that we were done
And so if you had any doubts, you will now see which kid has won!
The kids tap dance off stage and the curtain rises. Melvin and Gretchen are sitting down and are in bad shape. Keef, who is not much worse for the wear, is standing next to Zim.
Zim, speaking: We have a winner! What is your name, friend?
Best Friends Forever
Keef: Keef! It's Keef!
Oh what a great relief!
I've never won a single thing before!
Oh boy! What joy!
What words can I employ,
To say how my emotions soar? For...
Zim is the best, he's so funny and clever
And I'm his friend; I'll be the best friend ever!
You may ask if our friendship we'll sever,
But we could never... we're best friends forever!
Whee! Whoopee!
I can't contain my glee!
This is the greatest day I have known!
Keef, speaking: Now you do one, Zim!
Zim, flatly: Yay. Hurray.
What a ter-rif-fic day.
We will never again be alone.
Keef: Zim, you're too great, and that verse was so clever!
I'm glad I'm your friend; I will be the best ever!
Some may ask if our friendship we'll sever,
But we could never... we're best friends forever!
Zim, speaking: Keef, come with me.
Keef, speaking: Sure, buddy!
Zim and Keef go towards Jessica's table.
Zim: This... is Keef!
Don't give me any grief,
For in Keef I have found my bestest friend
Jessica: Hey, go away!
Please do just as I say
I don't want two losers to attend
Zim: Fine, I'll get lost, I'll do whatever
You say, but note that Keef's my best friend ever!
You may ask if our friendship we'll sever,
But we could never... we're best friends forever!
Zim and Keef: It's clear to see...
That we will be...
Best friends forever!
Curtain falls.
INTERMISSION
Keef's wardrobe is provided by: Keef's Mom, Inc.