Author's Note:

For me, fanfiction usually spawns from the crazy unanswered questions of crazy fans. Yes, I would be the mentally unstable fan, who wondered how Edward dealt with Jessica's little crush. This story takes place a year before Bella arrives, sometime during Edward's sophomore year.

Thanks to my sister for looking this over for me.

Finally, I do not own anything in the Twilight Universe. Feel free (encouraged, even) to leave me a comment and tell me what I'm doing wrong.

After years of listening to the thoughts of humans I had learned to stop expecting surprises. It seemed that, to my great misfortune, the only common thread within the human race was the tendency towards unoriginal thoughts.

Life in a small town only intensified this.

During the one year my siblings and I had been forced to attend -or rather, suffer through- Forks High School, I had been subjected to the most mundane, trivial, and pointless thoughts imaginable. I almost felt bad for some of the humans- they would be stuck in this small town for the rest of their lives, while I would be free to leave in a few years.

Until then, I would be forced to listen in on the innermost, private workings of their minds.

I dreaded the thought of it, no pun intended. Nothing would make me happier than to ignore the thoughts of humans for the rest of eternity, or just not hear their thoughts at all. As it was, I had to keep watch, so to speak, for my family.

I glanced around the lunch table at my family, hoping they truly understood how it pained me to sift through the wasteland of human brainpower. I sighed.

What is it now Edward? Rosalie, though the most tenacious of our group, was also the first to lose her patience and very little escaped one with such heightened senses.

"It's the Stanley girl," I muttered. Alice and Emmett burst into laughter, causing a few heads to turn in our direction. Jasper managed a small smile, and even Rosalie was quieted for the moment.

Ever since the day she had set eyes on me Jessica Stanley had attacked me lewd sexual fantasies. Hardly a day went by that she didn't think of me in some way or another. At first, it had merely been annoying; constantly hearing my name as if it had been spoken, only to find it was a thought I shouldn't have heard. I could have easily grown use to that, but her thoughts had become… bolder.

What's she thinking now? My siblings looked at me eagerly, reveling in my embarrassment. I frowned in reply. They knew her thoughts were too vulgar to be repeated, yet that only seemed to increase their interest. Even Rosalie was smirking at me, waiting for my response. With another sigh I searched for her mind.

"She's… wondering if the bagels are stale," I lied. Actually, it was only a small fib. She was wondering about the bagels, specifically the one sitting in front of me, uneaten.

Is that what they're calling it now? Emmett began imagining all of the possible applications of stale bagels as a euphemism for intimacy.

"No, Emmett, that's not what they're calling it!" I hissed, interrupting him before he came up with anything too graphic.

He merely raised an eyebrow at me, waiting for me to elaborate.

"She's debating whether or not to get me a bagel. Apparently I don't seem to be enjoying mine. She's hoping that, if she's friendly to me, I'll warm up to her." I wasn't sure which idea was more amusing- me warming up to Jessica, or me warming up at all.

Somehow I don't think that bagel would be as tempting as the deliverer, Alice joked. Annoyed as I was, even I had to smile at that.

I couldn't find anything amusing about her next thoughts.

Based on the quality of the images flashing before her eyes, I knew it was vision. I was walking towards my car, grudgingly heading for the backseat. The rest of my family was lagging behind, forced to travel at human speeds across the parking lot. As I walked along I was intercepted by none other than Jessica Stanley. I didn't need my special skill to see what she was thinking… she had a very important question to ask me, but she wasn't sure if could work up the nerve. The vision ended with Alice's repressed giggles.

"That isn't funny," I objected, raising my voice a bit. Generally we spoke too softly and quickly for human ears to pick up anything. The gradual waning of my patience caused me to raise my voice a bit. More heads turned in our direction. This time the onlookers allowed their eyes to linger on our perfect features for a few moments. Without fail the thoughts continued, even after everyone had returned to their lunches.

That blonde is such a looker! I wish she'd look over here every once in awhile… For the last year Eric Yorkie had wasted half of his time trying to gain my sister's notice. I might have found him amusing if he didn't spend the other half of his time imagining graphic scenes of death and castration (not usually in that order) for my brother.

The Hale boy is so serious… I bet I could loosen him up a bit… Maybe if I cut my hair like Alice… I hoped that she would decide against that she. Whereas Alice could be bald and still be desirable to every man in the room, I didn't think she had the same versatility. The words butch and masculine had been thought in regards to her more times than I cared to count. Short, boyish hair would do more harm than good.

The cafeteria could not start thinking lustful about my family for very long without Jessica joining in. I could see her mind darting over to our table, stopping only to glare enviously at Rosalie before resting on me.

He's so pretty…I had learned long ago to not take offense to being called 'pretty.' What would have been a great blow to my ego in my time had become some sort of endearing compliment. Just as being cute and adorable was no longer reserved for kittens and puppies, being pretty was no longer reserved for females.

From there her thoughts analyzed the many reasons why I was so 'pretty.' Her mind's eye roamed over my body in a way that would have made females from my era blush. My own mother had not been so informed of the male anatomy, or as comfortable with observing it, yet she did it with ease.

If I had been human I would have blushed. As it was, I emitted a low groan and grimaced in pain. Listening to her thoughts was always agonizing, but this was almost too much to bear.

My family instantly noticed my discomfort (and Alice probably knew before hand to expect this). I wish I could say they at least tried to hide their amusement.

Is she undressing you with her eyes yet? Even Emmett's thoughts held a hint of glee at my expense. Too aggravated to speak, I ignored him. I wasn't in the mood to tell him he was right.

He already knew.

You know, she'll never be able to do justice to you, he continued. I bet, if she ever saw the real thing, she'd die of… he searched around for the right word, each worse than the one before.

"Surprise?" I suggested, hoping he'd leave it at that.

Ecstasy.

I hit him harder than I should have around the children. The table shook slightly, but no one noticed it. Jessica was too focused on the way my muscles moved under my shirt.

"Edward, stop showing off," Emmett grinned back at me, though I'd just hit him with enough force to break human bones. He'd hardly felt it.

"Emmett, shut up." He was speaking loud enough for the humans to hear, loud enough for Jessica to hear. I didn't need her to get the idea that I was showing off for her… too late.

My mind was suddenly filled with images of Jessica Stanley, shaking yet determined, asking me to be her date to the Spring Dance. The images weren't coming from Jessica.

Ten seconds of Emmett's teasing had been enough to convince Jessica that she had a chance with me. If I could killed Emmett I might have.

"Are you going to say yes?" I'll never know how Alice managed to ask with a straight face.

Emmett laughed again, his booming voice echoing throughout the lunchroom and turning heads. A dozen female voices thought my name, as well as other things too vulgar to be repeated.

Wonderful.